The Point is Not the Pain

Oh Relatives

Good Morning

We bagan early this morning.   I had a dream about reconnecting with lost times and places.  About reconnecting with what we Put Aside when we were Busy or when we were Focused on what was not living but was perhaps Safe.

When I was I think 24 years of age  It is hard for me to remember age times  I remember Doings and Places and can see me but not often recall my age  anyhow  it was I think when I was 23 or 24 ish  I woke up one morning and was completely suicidal.  I was filled with Death.  it was frightening and I was not sure what to do.  Realizing I needed Help! I called a dear Friend of mine and told her that something was Wrong and I could not be alone that day.  I had received word from my mom the week prior that my Uncle was in the hospital   he had fallen off the silo at his dairy farm and he was not doing well.  I had gotten a card right away and wrote in it ( I still remember it was a get well card and on the front was a Cowboy with his Horse and his Dog taking a lunch Break, the Cowboy was giving his dog half the sandwich, on the front it said, I hear you are not feeling well, maybe it was something you ate,  Inside it said, next time give the Dog the Whole sandwich).  Inside that card I wrote everything that he meant to me.. all the times he stood between me and my dad ( his brother)  all the times he had said to me that I could always come to his home even after being disowned for being a Lesbian, all the times he had taught me about the inventions he would make to help things go better,  all the love I could see in his girls my cousins and in his joy in his wife.  He was a Good Man and full of Love.  I had sent the card and was trying to gather the money to go down and see him.  LOL I have at times in my life Relatives been really really poor.

So the morning I woke up with Death sitting all around and inside me and i felt like the Only answer was to end my life to stop all the Pain that was inescapable when I woke up.  My girlfriend thought I was being dramatic so she went off to work.  I knew I needed help though and i was not safe alone, I called my friend Liz and   She came over to my house to be with me.  We took out the yellow pages and started calling every counselor we could find, every therapy place for anyone who could see me. Believe me in Minneapolis that is a lot of numbers!

No one could get me in.  It was unbelievable!  no one could get me in not only that morning but at all that day.  It was Crazy!  WE tried all day. to get me to see someone.  We went outside and went walking, my friend stayed with me all day.  she could see that I was wrong and something had a hold of me that was terrifying.  Neither of us were willing to let me be alone at all that day.   It was a very long day Relatives  very long   that evening we were driving down Chicago Ave in Mpls and passed a sign that said walk in counseling crisis center.  We whipped around and parked and went in.  It opened at 7 pm and they already had a line so I signed up and waited with my friend for my turn.  I could feel more and more pressure building inside me  and was less and less able to speak.  just before 8 pm I was called and went with the counselor up to her office.  she asked me what was going on as I had written on the intake that I was acutely, unrelentingly and overwhelmingly suicidal.  I just stared at her and watched the clock that was up on the wall to my left.  when the clock hands got to 8:05 PM I said to her my uncle is going to die and I will never see him again and my girlfriend won't give me the money to so see him and I burst into tears and all the pressure was gone.  

I don't even remember the rest of the conversation with that counselor, or going home.  but I very clearly remember that moment at 8:05.   the next morning the phone rang at the house and my mom was on the line  my Uncle had died at 8:05PM the night before.  When she told me that blood started pouring out of my nose like a hose pipe.  I just laid the phone down and wept for my Uncle.   I think that when I looked at my girlfriend I knew two things that morning, our relationship was over and that perhaps there was more to me than met the eye.

I think that event was training for Lame Deer and Training for today, and Today is Training for What is Coming.  I think that What is Coming is Really Painful and Yet will come to Pass and During it I , WE, Relatives have to Hold The Fire   I think my whole Life has been Training for what is coming.  What you are calling into Being.

that night my uncle came to see me in the dreamtime.  Like my Dad He was also of Arapaho Blood through my GMa  Nannie.  he told me that he was going to Pass On to Me the Family gift.  He said that  Whatever I wanted I would have,  that whatever I wished or wanted to make real would Become.  that was our bloodline gift and he was giving it to me.

since that time Relatives I have learned as best as I can to be careful what I wish for.  those Old Spirits are Really really strong.  They made and can remake the world.  Especially if we Ask for it.  that is why it is so Important to love each other as we are, to let You know Relatives that I need you,  I need your Love I need to know from you that you remember me in the day,  that you think of me and care about me. I don't often remember to tell people that I need them.  today I remembered to tell you   I need you   it is because of you that the day is not just sweeter  it is in balance.  I think of you all day when I am working or writing or making this Way, I probly don't call to tell you enough that I see you and I love you and I think of you and hold you close to my heart.    so I am telling you now Today

One of the things that I learned once my Nannie died then came and told me about us being Arapaho is that we are Thunder Dreamers,  from the ring neck lizard clan.   The lizard dreams of the future then can step into it and either change it, accept it, or avoid it.  I have used that Medicine in my life relatives and I Accept it into my Being.  that Medicine gave me a Dream last night and was painful. I Believe it was given so that I could go through it, hold the fire, put this world and that one together in one space and then give it back to you.

In Last Nights Dream I was taken back to a house that was once lived in,  it was where I had been Before,  years ago,   on my way there someone stopped me and wanted me to investigate a man that was not treating his wife's dogs very well.  They were grey poodles,  and he made them stay outside in a pen with no food or water  in the Elements and they were suffering.  They needed Love and Care  they were suffering from the division between him and his wife, between the stone in his heart and her care for the dogs but disconnect between him and her  between their ability to Trust and to Connect, to Communicate Peacefully.   I saw them but did not intervene as I could see that it was not for me to change that thing, what caused what was going on there with them as a ripple effect of something Deeper. So the Spirits took me Deeper,

so I got to a house an apartment that I could tell had been mine and seemed familiar but I could not really truly remember it  or remember that it was mine.  it was like trying to pull a memory out of Non-Existence.  Like part of my brain had Erased it.    I got inside and when I did I realized that I had left My dog in that house.  I was Mortified!  with a rush I remembered her and I walked through the house seeing papers scattered, everything was dusty and it was cold with Lack and with loss of Connection and I could see dog shit everywhere because she could not get Outside and she was hungry and thirsty, and I was in Shock and Pain at what I was seeing Meant about Me and what my mind, my Brain had done to my dog.  Relatives i was Terrified to See it.  To LOOK at the mess and the disconnect and the suffering it caused.  it was Horrible  to think to KNOW that I Was REsponsible for this Horrible Abandonment.  I had so clearly and perfectly hidden the Knowledge of this House and Her from MySelf that while I could Recognize Once I saw it  There was NO Consciousness in me that had Maintained the connection and Care of Her and That Place and Where I had Been All along.

it was Horrible     I cannot tell you Relatives how it Felt that Pain for what I had done to Her  my Dog
but the Most Horrible thing was Realizing that I had Been So Separate from this Place that so Clearly was MINE ALSO.  I kept shaking my head trying to clear the utter Foreign feeling of having an Entire Part of me that was so Obviously Me and had bee and Still Was mine be so Lost to me for So Long.

I followed the Trail and her sound until i found her and kept opening doors and opening doors and realized that Thankfully there was a Back way open to someone who had been there  Someone who Had come down and see to her Needs for Me while I was completely Missing in all Realms

As I found her the Woman who had Cared for my Dog came down the stairs and as I looked up into her face with Horror and Fear and Sadness and Pain and Gratefulness she wrapped her arms around me and Held me   And I Knew Her,  I Remembered her!  " I was so worried for you," she said,   "I was afraid you were Lost that you were not ok.  It is not like you to not take care of your Dog and to Leave her for So Long."

her comfort and care and utter love was so healing    

I looked around and said that I had a lot of cleaning up to do. At that point she sat me down and said, "This is the Work to be Done,"  and she asked me to help her with work on her dog. I realized that she did not care one hooty about cleaning up,  it was as if the Past did not matter because all the Matter was to be Now All Together  in the Work Now.  I started looking through papers to try and find the forms to figure out how to charge for procedures and it was really hard  to center and to focus, it did not seem correct to go backwards. So, not knowing what to do I said to her, "let me do this for you for Free because of what you have done for my dog and me."  She looked me in the eye and Said.  "No, You do not Work for Free. What was given was Given and that is That.  What I am asking you to do Now you must get paid for Now to restore the balance."  she was really really clear about not holding on to shame, to guilt or to payback for what was done to take care while I was Lost. If there is any place Relatives that I will Learn the Most from in that Dream it is there in that time sitting in all that shit and papers with her and me and her trying to impart to me how to make it so in the way that it will Become.

I woke up from the Dream.  my heart was in Pain but I refused to Let go of that Dog or Her or that Place.  My training to Hold the Fire and to Endure the Lesson so that It can be Given Away held on to Me.  I did not push or Scurry in my head  I just kept reviewing the message in the dream.  Reviewing it over and over  looking at each piece. Holding it to the Light and putting it in the Fire so that I could See it.  understand and Wait for the Prayer.

I waited until it was Time to get Up    then I got dressed and sought out the Purpose in the Air in the Day,  I watched the Kitty waiting for me to get Dressed. I walked over to the Pipes in their Bundles and Laid on them and said,  forgive me  forgive me for my failures, for my Fear, for my losses, and Forgotten times, Forgive me for what I threw away, or put Aside because I did not Trust and did Not Remember or Know, I am Here,  I am here and I Open my heart to you I and Here Now  I am so very very sorry for all that I did not See and All that I did not take good care of.  My Friends thank you for loving me  thank you for taking care of everything thank you for Staying with me.  Even Now.   All the while holding Embracing the Dream  all of it  All of it.  Letting it come waiting for the teaching,

 then I went downstairs and let the Kitty out got my tobacco, took the food for the Dogs, checked their water and then stood to look at the Sky.  the Morning Star was there  watching me.  I  took my tobacco and breathed on it. held it in my hand and let the Dream Flow through me into the Tobacco. Again I began to cry and again said to the morning to each direction to each Being in Every Place  I am Sorry  I am So very Sorry for My In actions and my blindness for my Lack and what it has caused.   and I was met with Love Relatives
I was met with Love

so I believe that this Dream was for me  for You  for all of us.   I believe that if we are going to Change the world and we Are.   Then we will at one time or another come upon a house, an apartment, a Place where we will discover all that we have left behind  all that we have Shut out  all that we Laid aside because we were overwhelmed, because we were not connected, because we did not know how to be truly supportive, and truly to care for each other and each thing living thing.  we Will come upon this place,     it is impossible not to reconnect and not see what was not done.  and its effect. The Point isn't the Pain Relatives,  It is the Holding Together of the Two Worlds  Holding them Together
Holding Them Awake Together AT One TIME

so I believe that this Dream was given so that we, I , You can know that Despite that Terrible Pain of Realization, that there is a Being waiting for us that will embrace us and ask us to begin again.  

that we are to feel the Pain of it but Not to Dwell in it   That we are to Reconnect and Feel the Lack we created so that we can See where to reinvest and How to Hold the World of the Spirits with and In and through This World clearly and cleanly and that we allow the Abundance that is created in that place to flow back and into us to sustain us

  Not so that we give our lives away again out of guilt or shame. But that we Begin Finally the Life we were Created to have the Life that IS in the Center Fire  it is Between the What Is What Was and What Can Be, the Life in the Center with Both, All Connections in tact    that Relatives is the Life We were created to have.

We have to get up when we realize we Fell a Long Time Ago Relatives   WE have To GET UP
Or We will BE LATE FOR WORK

love
mary