Lime Green Jello Surprise

Dearest Relatives

welcome to the table   I was in the grocery store today and had the intense craving for frooty jello marshmallow salad.  That got me to thinking about all the foods that moms and grandmoms made over the years    I thought  what a better food to cheer up the winter than cold frooty squishy nutty tasty lime green jello surprise    yumm    that got me to thinking about cold carrot raisin salad   which made me think about how family works so hard to help each other through the seasons

winter   quiet  warmth  isolation  hard work  hard surfaces  and short light cycles  long dark cycles  lots of rich bone broths cooking on the stove every day    snow and rain and ice   water changing form daily  pulling holding releasing energy into the world every day  and dreams  winter is definitely about food and dreams

I'm becoming interested in cooking things that restore and don't deplete the body   what is interesting is that overdoing restoring one thing that is missing can make it begin to deplete the other parts   it is the same when in ceremony or healing something is removed from someone  if they do not already know what they will fill that space with it can be a burden to them

the edges of the spaces that are created in us when we remove an action or thought or activity that we believe we no longer need or that is proven to be destructive to ourselves and thus our surroundings, the edges of that space long to be matched or met by what fit s them perfectly
that craving for a prefect fit drives many people back into the arms of what they rid themselves of to begin with
they cannot live with the uncomfortable edges or the space
or the hollow feeling
 if we cannot endure being hollow
or having raw edges
it is a good idea to find a filler that will either grind those edges to a different shape or flow infinitely into any form     but not be what was removed
often it is this repetitious cycle that is the mindlessness that pulls us out of balance and creates the mentation of the hungry ghost

balance in the seasons  balance in the heart  balance in nutrition  balance in work and sleep  balance in rest and play  balance in taking in and letting out  balance    yin yang  taiji  wuxi  taiji  yin yang

balance

its so funny how easy it is to get out of balance  

the trouble with being out of balance is that if we lose our footing on what we are standing then we come crashing down with all the weight of our convictions

it would be really nice if we could land in some of that squishy jello    or if we could perhaps bounce right back up
more often than not we land on the hard floor

in reviewing the recent crashes sort of like reviewing what food to ingest this week I thought it would be good to take a look at what we are standing on in the first place

unfortunately when we take a stand  its usually that we stand on something that is we believe rock solid  it makes sense to not be squishy in our footing because it might make it impossible to hold still
if we don't hold still we can't be steady can we?
maybe but maybe not
we can play Sherlock Holmes with this problem

 if we can't be squishy in our footing or root  then how is is that we can ease our fall if we do, or, maintain a balance that appears to be so precarious as to preclude still thought?

when I make bone broth  Im after the minerals in the bone    there is a process where combining the right ingredients in a pot and applying heat for several hours causes the hard bones to give up their rich minerals  they are drawn out into the broth  which in turn can either be drunk or used as a liquid to make a different food and during that process the minerals are re-infused back into a solid form to be ingested broken down again and then used to restore the body.  it is the ability of the minerals to be very small and also to be unchanged by heat or digestion or whatever physical form they happen to be present in at any particular time.  it is this unchangeable molecular self-awareness that allows them to shape shift throughout their time in this world and also to be transferred from form to form and incorporated into our bones or muscle and participate like a good neighbor without taking over the castle or investing so hard in their transient identity that they would rather break the bones to dust than let go of that form

I think we can learn alot from the calcium molecule  and from jello salad

if we take away the need in ourselves for a large footing for stability
say we make our stability the size of a calcium molecule  then our convictions are either so concentrated or so singular that they can be that small and our foot is stable in all relativity, well except for atoms and neutrons,  but lets stick with molecules for now.

therefore they can be stood on firmly in any situation  and if our balance comes not from directing the decisions about our inertia outward  but rather inward
and we hold that point at all times
then either we will not fall in the classic sense because we will allow no rotational inertia relative to our position
or if we allow rotational inertia relative to our position then our footprint or space occupance is made so small that it also is not able to deviate from the center of our mass therefore our body or footprint is not large enough to fall away from our self awareness no matter how fast or furious the rotational inertia

because in this world we have bodies that rise above the surface of the earth and we are two legged, one of our first lessons is to stand and walk and then to run,  our standing and walking is based on holding inside ourselves our own self awareness  and combining it into a dynamic balanced relationship with everything that is not a part of our own self awareness. that self awareness is the beginners mind  it is the mind of the child   the standing and walking is our relationship with our surroundings  getting along  our ability to balance  in an community effort  the floor is being the floor, the wall a wall, the chair a chair  and we are standing

unfortunately as we learn to walk and then run we are also taught to think that our convictions are equitable to standing up for ourselves   we become deluded away from our early first lesson.

which is if you want to stand and walk around on your own two feet then you can't impose your own relativity outside of yourself on your surroundings or you will fall down
hard

we begin to believe that our size and our uprightness and our footprint have to be bigger to make our way have value

or to be recognized

or to carry weight

or to be valid

or to have an effect

we begin to move things out of our way  
or
into our plan
and that
creates a sense of power

we have lost the thought that our center is a molecule

and that that molecule exists as it self relative to other molecules

any effort to persuade or take over other molecules makes us equal to an invasive reaction or cancerous growth

any effort to increase our footprint by making our surroundings or the other molecules that we come in contact with the same as what we want increases the inertia and load and thus the chance for a big crash and fall


in a lime green jello suprise desert it is yummy precisely because as a human I have the ability to taste the pecans, the pineapple, the lime jello, the cottage cheese all at once in my mouth  yummy

the mistake is thinking that the elements of the desert have lost their identities to please me

love ya
mean it
mary

Frozen Buddhas

good evening relatives

I hope you had a beautiful day     its been nice here today   no medical tests to go and take   and no physical therapy today  well except for chores and a little bit of qigong in the kitchen this am

I always think of you right away first thing in the morning   when the sun is coming up  the stars are saying good night   and the light is just presenting the first of the perfect day

we are still working on diagnosing what is wrong with my arm and shoulder and hand    I thought I would share a few of the mri pics so you could take a peek inside my shoulder  inside my bones  

this week the house and spirit center here was able to once again do what it is intended   this morning a woman with a a clear heart  wrote and asked for a prayer for a friend and for a people  and immediately the spirits answered   the wind and the trees and the earth answered her   and I was able to put a voice to that prayer and send it out and solidify it in this time and space and let it go    that was a wonderful thing

that is what the house and the land is for

also this week we have been able to provide water for a home that has animals but no well   they come and fill their water jugs here and we are able to provide water for them until their well is repaired   very cool

and on Friday  a woman and her daughter pulled into the yard   I had met the daughter before at her work here in town   she was in the car with her mother   who as it turns out is buddhist  
her mother asked me if she could mediate with the buddha statue and she asked what this place was for

so i told her it was for women for grandmothers  for prayer and meditation    for peace

so she parked her car in the freezing cold on the snow and ice and sat in her car in front of the buddha and meditated

cool

that is why we are here   that is what you have wrought for the spirits  for your relatives and for yourselves  way to go relatives
way to go

Bless you relatives

keep it up

love
light
shadow
song

mary

Till death do we Part, what you see is what you get

Good morning relatives  
its snowing   how great is that

we have had a intensive week here at the Center of the the East and West Gate

this week we have had big lessons on ego disguised as compassion   I am so grateful to the negative teacher  

when I was in veterinary school at U Penn in Philly  doing my residency in dentistry and orofacial surgery I was on call one night ( I was actually on call every night as I was the only resident in our department LOL) and I got called in to see a dog that was bleeding from under his tongue.

He was a white boxer, 13 years old, and just a sweetie. he of course belonged to an older woman who loved him so much   so much in fact that she almost loved him to death.   he had presented to the ER for bleeding under his tongue and lethargy.  the lethargy was from blood loss. when I got to the hospital  and reviewed the findings with the ER doc as they were the first to see him  his biggest rule out was an oral mass that was dehiscing ( basically they suspected he had a big tumor under his tongue that was bleeding out).

Now its really important relatives that I explain here that what the initial impression is in any case that presents to the ER is probably the difference between saving a life or ending it.  At least in the veterinary world.    How so  ?  well  when a pet presents to the university hospital ER they see a resident or intern that will do the initial assessment, triage the patient and then ultimately offer options to the owner.

IF  the first doc or second even that sees the patient is incorrect in their assessment of the patient then the owner might decide to euthanize their pet rather than treat based on the wrong thought process.

one of the most difficult tasks that a teaching hospital has is teaching its doctors young and old to not make snap judgements.  it is critical to observe a patient not judge them. Observation is very different than judgement     Judgement can cost a life.  
observation leaves room for discovery of the true reality or underlying facts no matter how obscure or different they are from what our mind tells us is present.  Often our ego can push at us to create for our own convenience a story that to us is plausible and gives us the right to start taking lives left and right.  But that story is only an illusion that we have created to save face, or to make us look like we know what we are doing when we don't. In the ER (as well as in any other relationship ) this habit of snap judgements and telling stories to support them can be deadly.

it's really important when faced with any kind of situation that is traumatic or freaks us out or knocks us off our comfort zones that we don't let ourselves get distracted by the shock. If we start euthanizing relationships based on trauma or shock or fear we will make mistakes that are really hard to fix.


Most of us are taught from the time that we are children to assess and judge   to determine what we see rather than find out what is present in front of us.   and believe me relatives we all carry a big old fat library around with us just full of stories waiting to be told.  Stories about how a teacher was too hard on a student that got tired of learning her lessons. stories about how the old woman at the door is seeking help for her children who miss their long dead father, stories about how we cant afford to followthrough on our spiritual commitments because we fell down the stairs.  You know those stories   those ones that make us the hero and whomever we need to distance ourselves from the villain, because they were illuminating just a little too brightly the fact that we didn't keep our financial commitment not because of unexpected medical bills but because we spent that money on ourselves first because we don't like how it feels to do without.  Lights that reveal that the old woman was really using her children and her dead husband to lure the gatekeeper into his ego and thus neglect his post at the gate which ultimately will cause the house to fall to the predators lurking just behind her skirts, Lights that reach into the dark and reveal a pattern in the student that this is the fourth or fifth spiritual school that she has attended because she never follows through on her lessons at any of the previous ones and finally here at last at this one she once again chooses that the way is too hard and the teacher is a meany.

those veterinary school teachers are meanies for sure.  They push and push at young doctors publicly to think again, look again at the facts, what are the facts and what is the story? What are you deciding rather than reporting?  what is the consequence of that decision?  what is your agenda!!

That old boxer dog was lucky that he had an owner that was so attached to him.   The ER doc had recommended as had almost all the other docs that saw that dog before I got to the hospital,  that the owner put him to sleep.  Whatever that was under his tongue was  big and bloody and horrible.  it was a boxer for cripes sake! everyone knows that boxers are prone to cancer.  and to top it off oral cancer especially involving the base of the tongue has a really bad prognosis.   so the story line became that this boxer dog had oral cancer, a poor prognosis and the humane thing to do was euthanize it.

the humane thing was death.

death of a relationship  

its funny how stories often lead to death don't you think?  curious isn't it  how we are taught that the villain must be discovered and put to death.   the enemy shot    the alien crushed   the mean old teacher squished like a bug from our lives     we will live on victorious   no one needs a cancerous relationship do they?

well there is a reason that euthanasia is not legal in human medicine.

its because people like a good story  and they like putting themselves and their story in the lime light rather than the light of truth    they like being a victim so that their actions are heroic

want to know where that kid learned to kill what he felt threatened him at that school and in his mother and then in himself ?  he learned it from fairy tales, from movies, from his parents and friends from us.

everybody counted on the thought that he would have the same villains that they did .  that he would see the same threats that they would  that his story would match theirs and the status quo of reality would be maintained.  but he didn't see it the way they did.  we are all so busy seeing the horror of the gun from what he did that we aren't seeing the horror of judgement followed by action.  

the right to act in judgement            to decide the teacher is a meanie    to kill the villain makes a hero

those are the things we should be in an uproar about relatives  

about the stories that we make up that lead to the death of a relationship.   In our need to teach our children that the thrill of the story is more important than the truth we are teaching them that some day it is ok for them to euthanize us when we don't suit their fancy any more.

we are teaching them that being the hero and killing the villain or disposing of relationships that make us uncomfortable  so uncomfortable that we cannot face ourselves in the mirror any longer so we shatter it.     Those lights in those relationships that make us face the fact that we cant pay our spiritual commitments because we don't want to be disciplined at balancing our spiritual checkbooks. we don't want to be accountable for our actions and our words  

and what is another boxer dog any way?

so relatives  how do the teachers at a university train the best and the brightest to lay aside the habit of judgement?  the convenience of the story?  Especially if that story makes them out to be the hero doctor?

they teach us discipline     they teach us consequence    they hold us accountable publicly  they use a thing called grand rounds.   Grand rounds is where all the departments and students and clinicians and residents and interns and doctors to be gather together and cases are reviewed step by agonizing step publicly   and the doctor that made the choices is raked over the coals publicly about every decision every communication every penny spent of the clients money and every consequence of every action or INACTION is publicly critiqued.

sound really abusive doesn't it?  sounds like an archaic nightmare     how would you like that about your spiritual life?  hmmmmm
how would you like to have your checkbook on grand rounds? hmmmm
or your ego?
or your latest story about the teacher being a meany?

think it would hold up?

that is how they teach young doctors to do away with the convenient story and to stop with the judgment and to seek observation and facts and to not overstate or to make decisions for the client.   and you know what  it works   Most of the time  

sometimes like with the boxer dog  thing slip through the cracks.

when i got to the hospital I got the story of the boxer with the oral mass and I was actually directed by doctors that had more letters behind their name than I did to use my authority as the orofacial surgery resident of this most prestigious veterinary teaching hospital in the united states to encourage this woman to put her dog to sleep because it was the humane thing to do and I should not try and waste her money or put the dog through more suffering.   I was instructed to do that   to use my influence as the final word of our department to put the finishing touches on their story.

now I don't know how many of you have been fire keepers  or gatekeepers   I have   and the first thing that happens is that you are asked to abandon your post.   and usually it is by the emperor himself.  but don't do it relatives   don't abandon your post    if you do the kingdom will fall

you know how on yahoo mail  or paypal   or your bank website  they send out on occasion a little reminder that you should never ever EVER give out your password   and that they will never ever EVER ask for your personal information or passwords even if the bank is burning down to the ground!!  those reminders.  well it's the same when you are a doctor  

never ever ever let someone else tell you what to do with your authority your license or your signature  ever    ever   EVER

the same goes for being a spiritual firekeeper   never never never leave the fire   ever

so instead of recommending that she put her dog to sleep  I asked her what she fed her dog

I went to great schools,  I had great teachers,  my dad was a great teacher, Grey Antelope was a great teacher, you are great teachers, Margaret Behan is on of the best ones, so I don't forget that they believed in me.  I don't give up or give in to doubt or let someone else tell me what the spirits are saying so easily as all that.  I was worth teaching because I won't abandon my post and because they knew that I wouldn't be dissuaded from shining the light into the dark and seeing what was present.   The light has no judgment  it is just light.  what it shows is lurking in the dark is not just the good that people who got lost need to remember about themselves, it also shines fully on what people try to hide in the dark.  what they are covering up with their story about the teacher being a meany.  my teachers also knew that I would keep shining the light even when all the forces of the dark tried to extinguish it. keep on with the light.

so I asked that old lady that owned the boxer dog that everyone one wanted her to euthanize about what she fed her dog and when she first noticed the blood    she said she fed him canned food which he loved! but that for the past week or so he had difficulty swallowing. He had gotten in the trash a few times and gotten cans out  and that she just didn't want to put him to sleep.   i asked her if she ever let him lick off of the spoon or out of the cans  and she said with a bit of a guilty surprised look yes!   and yes he did on occasion get a can out of the trash.  I asked her how long ago she caught him with the bloody can and she said about a week ago.

so I recommended that we take her dog to surgery and look under his tongue with general anesthesia and see what we would see and go from there   we could always euthanize him.   but bringing him back to life wasn't going to be that easy if we made a mistake and the facts didn't in the end support the story.

Trust me Relatives  there is nothing in the veterinary world that teaches a young doctor and sometimes even an old one not to make up stories about the facts faster than the unwarranted death of a patient.   Nothing teaches accountability like finding out at the necropsy table that there was no mass,  there was no cancer in the lungs, that it was something simple something fixable. something that could've saved a life if everyone had just not gone with the convenient story.  

I've even had owners come in with stories about their pets wanting me to euthanize them just because they were tired of them, or tired of picking up poop, or never bothered to train them or fence the yard or they just wanted a new boyfriend and he didn't like dogs so the answer was death for the animal and they all seem to think that they can direct what I did as a doctor.  its pretty amazing that when people come in a veterinary office they think they own your license.  That for a $45.00 exam fee they get to not only kill their pet they are tired of or who has become inconvenient because that pet reflects that they are an uninterested and uninvested owner, but that they have the right to make you the doctor put that animal to sleep.  I think its like the same thing they think about spiritual teachers or leaders  that we are for sale.  like a spiritual supermarket   that if they give money they get to determine what comes out of a spiritual leaders mouth or out of their prayer   or the syringe of a doctor.  

Remember  that the reason someone gets assigned the role of teacher or leader spiritual or otherwise is usually because they can see beyond the convenient facts. because they can put two and two together and get one.  eventually that light they see in the dark with is going to reveal something about you or themselves that you would rather it didn't. But that is what makes them who they are isn't it?

How did I know that that boxer dog was worth a second look?  well I didn't know   but I saw the facts differently than my colleagues.  it was a boxer dog  so the breed is prone to cancer but this boxer was 13 years old   if that dog was going to have cancer it would've been when it was 7 or 8 years old.  this one had already outlived that idea.  also even though that tissue under the tongue was bloody and smelly it could just as easily be from impacted food or infection. and the dog was other wise really healthy and bright.  And most of all the owner owned the dog not me or my story. and she was not ready to give up on him.

so we went to surgery  which is called exploratory   exploratory surgery

how many of us forget to go on to this next step when things get tough   how many of us avoid exploring the facts?  looking for what ever is true even if it is obscure or inconvenient or perhaps doesn't put us in the best light?   the exploratory process is what helps us determine what is crap and what is not crap  what is repairable in a wound and what is non vital    you cant just sew up an old wound without debrideing it or you will enclose dead tissue with living  bacteria will be overwhelming the same with the investigatory process that should test out the story that leads to death of a relationship if your story has holes in it then what will leak forever into your subconscious and your heart and mind no matter how far into the dark you push it is your own guilty fabrication.  you have to live with that or as I found out early as a kid and then young doc and young spiritual student  not live with  there is no living and no good sleep with the kind of stories that wont hold up to exploration.

That dog had cut the underneath of his tongue licking out the inside of a dog food can he got out of the trash, he had licked and repeatedly cut his tongue and it had gotten all bloody and had food in it and it was shredded.  it looked horrible   to the eye that was willing to make up a story ending in death  it was the perfect prop. but in reality it just needed to be cleaned and sorted and the dead parts cut away and then all of it sewn back together.  and most important of all get a dog proof trash container so it wouldn't happen again.

One of the things that we also learned as doctors in training. Is that we have a responsibility to own up to our own ability or inability.  If you or I are not cut out to be ER doctors then we need to admit that.  If we jump to erroneous conclusion over and over about things then when is it that we learn to stop jumping?   if we are more invested in our pride and ego than we are truth how many relationships will we kill before we are willing to kill our ego?  its a good question relatives.  its one of the responsibilities of a teaching hospital to determine who has and who doesn't have the ability to be a doctor.  who do you want in charge of your pets health?  in charge of teaching your children generosity? in charge of your medical care in the future?  able to make that decision to pull the plug on you when the time comes?   if you are someone who jumps over and over to conclusions that lead to death of a relationship, or makes up stories that only shine you in the best light who is responsible to tell you no?

and do you want the children who have watched you make up all those convenient stories all these years and kill of relationships that shined the light on who you really are,  do you want them to make the decision about your euthanasia?

so there are those of you who have read this long long blog and been entertained by the story,  those who will identify with different characters   those who will use it to explore their own stories and those who will see in the mirror the finger of their own conscious pointing back at them.

Best of all those who will see me as a meany.   and i am a meany  I mean what I say  and I mean what I see and I mean what I do   I don't mind being the meany  especially if it means you get the big picture

 It all depends on what you believe in  what you value the most  what kind of student of your own life you are   how many dogs are you willing to put to sleep?  how many spiritual leaders are you willing to discard? how many are in favor of gun control rather than teaching each other not to be judgmental or to have heroes or villains and that death is not an acceptable answer for a relationship that is difficult or that makes you uncomfortable.

I can say one thing today  I like who I am and who I turned out to be  and it was tough over my life to learn to let that light shine in all of my dark places    I didn't want to see them either  let alone anyone else   but Xena the warrior princess reminded me last night that people do make mistakes, that the heart with a good intention should always be protected, and jumping to conclusions about the events that preceded a massacre and who is at fault doesn't always mean that the guilty party gets punished.

next time I will eventually get to that part about ego and compassion   but right now I'm off to do the rest of my day

love ya
mean it
mb

Be the Present the Present Presence Presents

Good Evening Relatives

How are things going?  we are a few weeks into the winter month of the new year. its a time where the winter light is changing.

it was a tough day this day  for me  so i worried about what was going on with all of you.  I could clearly feel the energies in the ether that others were looking to drain the goodness or the sweetness out of those who are vulnerable  I remember when I was that vulnerable one   when I gave and gave all that I had  all that was asked of me with no thought that there was a different way of giving one that was concurrent with receiving.  giving is yes of course the way to live  but not without thought or purpose  not just to gain favor or win accolades or to serve the endless cup of an others helplessness which is in fact feeding our own ego  today they were out there wanting the energy of my day    the gates that were offered were the gates of pain  loneliness and depression

the gate of pain came in the form of again the constant pain from the injuries sustained from my fall,  I've been going to pt and it means that the next day I am even more sore than the day before  today when i made my morning prayers I asked that my shoulder be helped  so on my walk to the post office, I fell by accident just tripped and of course reached out with my left hand which jammed my shoulder and wrist again,  I thought I was going to pass out from the pain  but a few minutes later I was realizing that the fall had abruptly pushed my shoulder past a scar tissue restriction I had been unable to release so I have spent the remainder of the day working my shoulder  taking it through range of motion exercises to use the release painful as that moment was to gain as much ground as I could forward  forward to a workable limb    I don't want to have to make all my advances in a painful way  but I wont throw away the opportunity just because it hurt   once it happened the hurt was already done  no sense in trying to wish that away or cry because it happened  the only present was to stay present

loneliness tried to offer me a bitter appetizer today for the long months and weeks of being by myself no visitors or phone calls. It tried to pour me a drink of judgement towards those who do not call or write notes  as if making up a story in my head towards them would change what I was missing here at the house? I don't think so  casting dispersions on those who I miss doesn't make me miss you less or make you come and visit faster it just makes what I do have a sickening draught of illusion  a story that would serve no purpose but to feed those who feed on negativity

depression tried to take my energy  and make me feel that taking time to rest and to go slow was in fact failure  on my part to create or excel  how interesting it was today  that somewhere someone is wanting me or you or anyone to succumb to so much negativity   to sicken and die somehow inside and feed the day this sickness

I held on to it enough to keep it held but not to take hold of it in me   perhaps to trick it into starving in the snow and cold here  so that it doesn't travel up north and west to the kids at Lame Deer

I think that praying for them  is working  I believe that asking that they be protected from the negativity is an active prayer  and that in a way it makes us the target   like the middle child distracting the angry parent from the younger ones so that they don't get harmed

taking the hit    that's what today felt like relatives like you and I were taking the hit for the kids at Lame Deer

I wish you could have felt the intensity of the negativity that was trying so hard to consume them there in the night    it was so greedy and so malicious   and they are kids  just kids

so relatives  when despair or anger or fear or loneliness or pain or depression comes  hold out your hand to the earth and ground that illusion that is trying to get you to feed it  

hold out your hand to the earth or a tree touch and hold and breath it into that great heart that holds all of us    don't grasp the negative  don't make up a story in yourself that makes you the victim and me or someone else the perpetrator   don't do  it      seeke the heart of what you miss

I miss you visiting  calling  writing
I miss being pain free and having arms and hands that work
I miss the green grass

be honest about the seed of the choice

then choose to heal  
choose to simply hold and let go the negative into the great wood and earth that can bear it

let it flow  and do not repeat or magnify or create more of it

for as long as it takes

love and light
shadow and song
laughter and water

mary

Flowering Souls

Good afternoon Relatives 

its very cold here this week   last week we had rain  now we have ice    I ask for snow when I put out tobacco   snow means its warm and it keeps our footing safer when we walk.  

the house is so still when the wind comes at night.  it is well built  and the insulation foam that was sprayed keeps the walls strong and rigid.  The steel that was re-used for the siding has a long time relationship with the wind so they have the kind of conversations that old friends would over tea. I enjoy listening to those conversations at night.

I had a great visit with the physical therapist today  she asked about the house  and I shared with her the story of the dreams the bike and purchasing it   we moved on into the visit about how we are all the same being  all of us Taku cnas cnan  how we are each an expression of the nuance of the whole in this time and place     how the temporal things are here only as props or useful tools to show or express all that each nuance can be   so that Taku cnas cnan is able to see itself as it is in all of its beauty and tragedy in this particular lens.    thus if each of us can come to understand that we are each of us an entirety  a whole   

and if each of us can feel that entirety in ourselves and from that stillness  look into the unique seed that we are,  then grow it  focus and develop it  celebrate that you ARE you  if you can take your eyes off of me or any other for just the blink of an eye which is about how long we are here   and see you  gently and thoroughly be you   then eventually you will blossom into the fruitfulness that comes from that eternal seed that is each of us individually   no two alike  

and if in doing so  we can be still    be steady   be satisfied with our each own uniqueness    and if we can put our energy into becoming  fully what each of us is    rather than outward towards another   

rather than in amassing the temporal props that will satisfy only for a moment and when piled around us eventually block our own growth and beauty  

rather than put our effort into what does not last  put it into what is already and always was  that spark of amazing perfect singular identity that has no identical ..... you 

 if we can put our energy into becoming with as few props as possible then our starkness our amazing eternalness and its nuance expressed in how you move your hand so beautifully different than how I move mine  

will create an amazing meadow of flowering souls  in this temporal field 

I see you Relatives 

I see your beauty  

all breath oxygen   

all have red blood

all have bones 

all have skin

everything else is just paints and limbs and feather boas

love to you every moment in our garden 

mb

the Irreplaceable Now

Good night  Relatives

what a nice day its been    I got to help one of the guys that works on the house today with his goats and sheep.  It was really nice.  I got all bundled up and he picked me up and I got to measure and give by mouth the parasite "drench" that they get this time of year.  We were slow and careful with each one  taking care to handle them gently.  I was careful with their mouths and teeth of course.  Each got a little blessing and prayer, and love,  each one.  It was a nice feeling to do my work a little again   and to help him and help the animals.  they did so well  it took about three hours to treat all of them and we will repeat in about two to three weeks apart twice again   that way they will be healthier through the winter and really ready for spring.

after that I got cleaned up and went to physical therapy  then came home and rested and worked on the book a bit  cooked some rice in bone broth   and now will watch "On Golden Pond"   we have had rain all day here   a nice winter rainy stormy day  so more water from the lake blessing the ground here.

I think that its good to learn to weather storms.  we have all been caught out between what we wanted and where we thought we were going and the difference of where our friends or family are or were headed.   We have all I think/ feel been through tough times with each other.

I really want to make a prayer today that we continue as a whole  as a loving group and wonderment of balance and friendship to keep our love intact. that we choose forgiveness and grace when being hard or turned away is the obvious or easy choice.  I pray that our lives together are defined not by the best or the worst times that we have shared or moved through or even gotten stuck in.  I pray that we remember we are the unremarkable time shared in planting bulbs or washing dishes or folding clothes or pushing hair back out of our faces.  WE ARE the commonality that we share. I pray we remember and stand firm in that no matter how hard the wind storms against our windows of pain.  I pray that we remember that one really bad day is just that; one day.  that we are not the sum of our work or our abilities but we are the hearts and hands and bodies that carry the souls of each others joy  and earthly endeavors. WE are the embrace that can be felt so strongly after an injury or extraordinary joyful time. WE are that family that is woven together by going forward.  that in the darkest time or the strongest wind even if we let go of hope or each others hand that we don't reduce our lives to that one time or moment.  but remember that the river of life has many turns and rocks to crash against, eddies to swirl around in and pools of deep deep thought. no matter the form or path or falls that go down  it still remains the river.  I pray that we stay in the river.  We deserve love and care and that steadfast heart no matter what with and for each other.

I pray relatives that you can feel that I love you  that I miss you  that today I wish you were here in my home  in this grandmother house laughing  having dinner comfortably sitting and enjoying that each of us exists  I pray that above and beyond any and all thing that you know that I love you

wind breaks reign
drops streaking the window pain
Still, winter delights

today the bus driver was admiring the buddha statues in the yard  it was an easy thing to say that they are calming  he asked how so and I siad if you just go and sit and look at them  just sit and be with them  they calm you down   he said if that was so he would take a dozen    he's invited to come and sit and I imagine that in the spring he will be one of the blossoms in the yard

this house will blossom    we will laugh around the table  and stay up to greet the stars or discuss the balance of the heart and the hand     then we will sleep and restore our bodies for the next day in the garden morning will bring coffee fresh juice and sleepy heads wanting to stay in the blankets  a good day of labor  building digging cutting and folding will make a strong garden for the season

thank you relatives for all you give to this house  to your house  to our friendship and our lives
to this life and this time
the irreplaceable now

thank you
nina waste
mary

The Karmic Debt and the Shipbuilders Splinter

good morning relatives
welcome to the new year

its been an exciting one so far, we didn't win the raffle, GMa Margaret got suspended from the International Council of GMa's for not being who they wanted her to be, I got suspended from a couple of GMa relationships for the same thing, my cat threw up, its super cold, the cowboys lost any chance for a playoff birth again, I finally found inside of me a painful thing that was preventing me from standing steady and kindly and pulled it out yea! and the book about Lame Deer is coming along slowly but surely, and the days are longer each day!

I for one want to say first off this year that I am grateful so very very grateful for spell check.

so relatives how do we deal with disappointment?  how do we deal with the tough times? with someone who does not turn out to be who we wanted when we wanted it the most?  what do we do with a relationship when the person we had a big old fantasy about turns out to be someone they value more than what we want?

well that is a good question

I think it depends on if we want to go forward into this spanking new year the same as we were, rigid in our fantasies and our dogma    dog ma   LOL , or not.  if of course we do the same we get the same result. if we do different with the same ingredient then we get the same result. if we do different with different ingredient then we get different result.  better i guess depends on something beyond the scope of this blog but not I think beyond the scope of the heart.  The best thing about any of it is we get to choose

GE and I were talking about all the force of the prayer and the vibration of all the websites and chanting and songs and books and work and fantasy and effort and blood and sweat poured out into the ether by us humans asking for change  asking for BIG change  not just little doodad change  like in your pocket but real change  change that shifts everything
we were talking about how when the spirits look down at us and inside and through us that where they see that change and that shift can happen (especially in the way that we have asked for it which is NOW) they see the shortest and most effective place to make that shift is inside of us  in our hardest most rigid spot.  in the blind spot.  in the spot that we protect because if we don't  protect it. we think we are going to die or that who we have been will all come unravelled. They see that that one change  in the spot that we hide with ego and fear and tears and avoidance and blame and running running running,   in that spot , the if we do that one little thing different in that spot thing,  if we take the chance  take the risk.  be brave go for the gold give up our fear to them.  They will change us and make the shift and it will all change.

i wrote a poem at the circle intensive training session last may  the facilitators asked us to work as if what we were trying to learn and become today the deep change that would be the harvest for three hundred years ( or maybe it was three thousand or maybe 30,000?) from now in the grandmothers council.  I looked into the center fire and saw that fire before us and this is the poem  that came to me

Time
For a new direction
Dogma stands rigid
Holding the bones
That blank space
Animates

Fire
Consumes all that its fed
Reducing old growth into One
Ashes of lives gathered with care
Hands that steadily work
Make soap

Water
Rinsing and roaring
Through the crevasse falls to the canyon
Pools in well worn hollows eventually
Trickling down into the
Cracks

Air
Changing with breath
Mixes with water inhale exhale
Deep in the cracks losing heat
Condensing to solid
Ice

Earth
Moving from the pressure
Down along the fault line plates
Shifting away from ice's clear reflection
the surface gives way to
Change


........

our bones can become too rigid  and when the spirits ask us to move suddenly in a direction that is out of our focus but clearly in theirs
we get thrown to the ground and our rigid bones break
our hair grow too long and gets stuck to the ground
trapping us in our comfortable parameters  keeping us from playing with the children who laugh and run and see possibilities in the grass that we can no longer bend over to smell
the blank space around us can be beauty like a window that lets the air in allowing us to see the handiwork of others or something we have to fill until all light is blocked or shadowed with our design not able to withstand the uncertainty of not knowing what can or could happen in that blank space
animation of anger and fear is illusion that can be wiped away as easy as tears with a soft cloth or laughter
opening the heart to possibilities that never existed till the cracks in our concrete shells break down with the trickle of loves tiny flow like water seeping into the foundation freezing and moving the templates of our who we thought we were out of alignment making space for a new idea and a new blossom to form and if I am still standing then have I been harmed at all or just  had the dirt of my past shaken off me the dead wood trimmed away. Am I included in the garden for the new season rather than composted by careless hands and an inexperienced heart?


If we are the kind of people who try to bend the wood of the another with our tears so that it molds to our framework like a ship builder that makes a skeleton frame and then warps the wood with water so that it can be nailed in place to ultimately make a craft that will offer no resistance to the water   to the flow  and that can be easily steered by the helms master  if we are that kind of builder then we seek out the best pieces for our own use and if they crack when we force them even with gentle persuasion or the soft lure of a beautiful vision if they crack and split because the soul of their grain was not planted to be bent or forced into servitude or the fantasy of another no matter how beautiful it is,  if they crack and split and strike out at us with the force of the built in safety net of the breaking point then what do we do with them  do we discard them? did you discard me when i didn't fit your design and cracked under the pressure of your force? did you realize that your vision so soft and true for you was a force to me that was unbearable?  That I was not made to be the ship that sailed you to spiritual safety.

I learned a great lesson about force last year  about pressure that I placed against myself in one spot because I was holding the design of an-others vision rather than my own too close to my grain. when my wood cracked the explosion of force leveled the one I was trying to please. I followed that crack in me down the grain into the spot made weak by the memory of a child that was beaten one too many times and broken over and over with loss. I found her and the point of illusion in side of me that made me unsure of who I was and I dug her out of the uncertainty and the fear. I pulled her to the surface and sat with her letting her breathe. Letting her calm down. Grateful that a child will heal quickly and cleanly if the wound is tended immediately by loving experienced hands.The splinter that I took out was with tweezers guided by hands that finally knew that I love me and can and will and do. By my hands  I finally understood that I will be the master. I Am the Master. There will be no more searching and no more doubt and no more fear about not being loved.Now she is free to be and build what those blueprints instruct her to do.  I will sit by her fire and guard her and never again allow fear to move her off center into pain or the illusion of pleasing an-others design to persuade me to abandon my post.

When I was a kid I had no problem throwing off others designs on me because my blueprints were so fresh they were so vibrant.  I had no scars  As I tried to find my way through our house and home I got bumped and bruised and cut.   I grew up in a house where ships were built only one way  and the master of the shop used every tool available to beat, twist, warp and mold us the young trees into that acceptable design that would go with the flow.  I resisted. Splinters of fear and pain lodged in me. Over the years I did my best to pull them out and heal the wounds and let the scars fade. I thought successfully so.  But last year I found a splinter of fear inside of me that that old shipbuilder placed deep down near my core. A splinter that was still capable of causing me to do harm. "No one will ever love you as much as I do," was driven into me. I let it rob me all these years of the knowledge that I could and did love me even more than they. I also tried to replace that shipbuilder with another, thinking if I could find a better master I would eliminate the pain.  As a doctor and a woods walker I have lots of experience with splinters.  Just like the one in me caused me to do, a being will shift the force and action of their whole frame and effort to avoid the single point of pain that splinter can cause. the problem with that shift is that even if we are on the right path and the right track our actions our movements with our words will be off and ultimately those actions will fail not because they are on the wrong path but because they are off center just by the width of a splinter.

some folks laugh when I talk about this  and they say lighten up and why be so perfect  well its not about being perfect to me  its about causing harm  and when we talk about changing the world relatives  we are talking about splitting atoms aren't we?  and if they are split the wrong way,.... well ask those in Hiroshima how that feels.

therefore we must understand that these splinters the avoidance of the pain they cause compounded through time can cause great harm can cause us to be off by one atom and thus flatten a city.  When we are concerned first with the splinter and adjust our stance, no matter how subtle that shift is or how dramatic  it will move us to an improper approach and it will cause us to be off in our action in our doing     that splinter will be the first thing we are thinking about  and depending on how deep it is and how early in our lives it was planted we may be as I was until this last year oblivious to how it moves us off center  to how it  underlies even our best and most true work and causes us to do harm.  not intentionally but out of fear  out of pain out of avoidance out of seeking approval  that first thought however fleeting or unconscious is about avoiding that splinter before we do our work and that shift to avoid that pain causes us to to not be complete and there fore destructive in our action even though our hearts are true and our seeing is true and our intention is true   we are not   and cities get flattened

that is human     that is being    this is part of the work    finding and following the draining tract of our action and inaction and getting to the core the root of what causes us to miss the mark   what is the tiny underlying buried thought that changes the direction and aim of our love and causes us to harm each other?  its not that we have these splinters that is the rub. its that when we find out that we do and are looking back at the devastation we must at that moment be more concerned with the splinter than the wreckage. As odd as that may seem, that splinter may take years to fester and burst out into our lives in a visible way and when it does if we don't follow it home immediately and evict it then we will lose track of it and it will lie in wait for however long it takes to fester and devastate again.  This relatives is how our years repeat themselves  this is how we are unable to create true change. that is what creates the karmic debt of the shipbuilders splinter.

when I am presented as a dr with a patient that has a persistent draining tract depending on how long it has been there i can see but cant be distracted by the accumulative compounding damage that the avoidance and festering of the splinter has caused.  the only way to find the nidus of a splinter and dig it out and resolve the pain and the secondary damage is to have the courage and the focus and the wherewithal to follow the tract through the healthy tissue cutting and searching until you get to the point  and debride every bit of it out  every tiny flake has to come out as well as the scar so that the patient can return to a healthy state.  it takes a bold and unwavering surgeon and owner to do this properly.  In veterinary medicine we use major drugs and or full anesthesia to dig out these kind of splinters.  I am sure that many of you have seen the movie where the arrow or the bullet is dug out. the patient bites down on a stick, and is held down by friends until the work is finished. Lots of whisky is consumed by all before during and after! well when we have emotional splinters we can as many of us have done dig them out on our own or with professional help or even if we are lucky during or after a relationship clash with each other. If we are committed and steadfast to our purpose we can follow the draining tract of the latest injury right down to the nidus. It is there every time  because without the nidus the damage wouldn't have happened and if it is not totally removed it will happen again.  Just like an experienced surgeon, crime scene investigator or tracker we can follow that vibration all the way back down to the heart or the nidus or the splinter and if we are brave and can hold still in our own ( in my case) compounded fear, if we can hold still and hold our mirror up to it we can see it  and we can dig it out.   it really sucks that healthy tissue has to be damaged to get this splinter out   and it really sucks that the time to do it is right when every thing has gotten to the worst possible point and is open and bleeding and painful and nasty. it sucks

I took an oath as a human being, not just as a doctor, to do no harm.  That is what is at the core inside of me of honing my spiritual sword  in developing discernment   true discernment from having come from a place where I was beat to crap over and over and had so many splinters that it was amazing that i lived let alone did not get twisted inside and become a disease myself    and I don't say that as an excuse  but as a fact    I have had to find and pick out a lot of splinters  unfortunately I've also flattened people and cities. it super sucks to be me but rather than throw me out with the bath water,  I prefer to think that I'm just a great example of what can be done rather than a pitiful case. or a guilt ridden tragic hero, pity is no good and I never wanted it  it never made sense to me   I want to heal   every thing and not do more harm so that others can see that it can be done  so that others can also heal  so that when our friends ask us to hold them down and it hurts us terribly to do so as they thrash around in their anguish until that bullet or splinter or piece of glass is removed  we understand how valuable it is to get that bullet out.  We have the strength from love and experience to be brave enough to endure the pain of getting the past out of our system.  lets be brave relatives lets hold the fire so that they have courage to be brave for themselves so that they can get out of the past and heal   lets create a new future

way underneath inside of me was a splinter that the shipbuilder placed when i was young  and  it festered in me all these years but finally I have followed its draining tract ( although I have gotten close to it at other times ) down to the nidus inside of me and finally dug it out  

I got it  because you held me down     because you demanded that I show up  because you believed in me

wow  now I have been practicing better skills   steadfastness that comes from being able to have a steady unmovable stance that does not avoid the splinter first  

so
GMa
GMas
Sisters
Brothers
Relatives

if i hurt you because I was using poor skills based on avoidance of pain in me rather than holding true and fast to the soft kind clear heart of the fire

I am very sorry

I honor you for holding me still
I honor you for being the one and ones that held me down with love even though my struggle damaged you  you held me until the nidus was found

I know that it was great love and great commitment and great care that held for so long in such an terrible event  but it was necessary and I honor you for it

so wether it is karmic debt  or just love being applied where it was needed

I thank you for me

Now I am ready to help hold you while you pull the thorn that my pain discovered in you my friend

Love demands that we turn the garden over even as I know you all are   and as we plant I look forward to seeing your smiling face arrive ready to pull the weeds from the new growth

in unmovable love
mb