Don't Go Wasting Your Emoticons; Save All Your Love for Wee

Good Morning Relatives

there is an ABBA song from Mamma Mia running through my head

what an exciting year this has been   it is full of Wee moments that open and blossom like a sea of Lotus


yesterday I was finding my way through the idea of violence  and how it is that I am so very amazingly discovering who I AM by finding in me the ME that I don't want to be  and then remembering the me that is not her and being that me   its like imprinting   it is like weaving back and forth through a mirror  without looking back

In relationship  in communion and intimacy with another  I am finding that my first relationship  is with The Beloved   who at first was presented as someone outside of me  i.e. they were supposed to be my Beloved, and me their Beloved as someone outside of them

 but  I think that is not so   not at first    I think that at first I must find the Beloved in me   My Beloved   The One who will not be moved away from me by the reality of me no matter who that me is

and lets face it  not all of us want to live where it can be -30 with a strong North wind  and some of us no matter how good we get along with each other just have a path that takes us along a different route

but today we are in the same coffee shop  reflecting on this wee moment and sharing our journey thus far

so Back to the wee moment of realizing who in fact My Beloved is

I have never left me,  I have avoided me like the plague at times, and hated me, and despised me, and fooled me, and pretended like I didn't exist, or that I wasn't actually out with me when cooler folks showed up, and I have done all kinds of unimaginable and imaginable good and bad things to me, but I have never left me relatives.  that mirror of me looking at me is as close as it always was the moment I came into this reality...   My Beloved, is that not ME/THEE with Thy/Myself ?   Is not my first relationship with myself truly?

and when I have fear in relationship and act to avoid what ever that fear conjures up like a djinni out of the bottle of imaginary hurts and losses, am I not being, by my act of changing me to suit the djinni, violent with me?  And if I am willing to be violent with me relatives  then am I not willing to be violent with you?  So you see, in the wee moment, I must turn to me and see me, and make the choice not to be violent, but to be The Beloved, to see myself as The Beloved that I AM.

I am discovering relatives despite all the self help books that I have not read so far and a few that I have, that I have been violent with me about you.  why because I am discovering that I have been violent with me.   who would have thought .
  
 In the wee moments of freindship, of encounter with another human being; there is a difference in the conscious act of holding back that which is not said, that which is private but true and stays true and private;  and in the decision and action of holding back that which is true so that I can present that which is not true or that which is false, and thus, in doing so "try" for a more favorable outcome in the encounter for me.   that is me manipulating me and thinking less of you    that is self violence and probably a thousand other things that Froid or Young or Madame Cure you and me would be able to identify.

that means that in that moment I have chained me up somewhere inside of me and presented to you and the world around me a me that is not me,  and when I make me show up as not me out under the threat of whatever it is, when i agree to do that,  it is me being violent with me.  and if i am willing to be violent with me relatives, you can be sure that I am willing to be violent with you.  

 a simpler way to say that is to say that some things are private  and some things are timely and somethings are deceptions  and we /I always know the difference . don't we?  and when we step out thinking that we will not be transparent only until we feel safe we have already shown up as someone who is not ourselves and in her presence  we will never be safe because she is not based on trust, on love, on confidence, on acceptance, on steady feet filled with the strength of our own true Beloved self.

 Are we not first and foremost violent with ourselves long before we are to another who is outside of me/us?  yes I think we are    because I think that some of us are raging inside and rather than come face to face with whatever it is or was that we wanted that we did not get and let that go, we want to make the world around us pay for that loss and we are willing to do anything to make that happen even change, crush, destroy ourselves to get that bottomless cup filled.

that is one of the millions of scars, of wounds,  that lie behind that faux face we choose to put on. That scar never fades, that wound,never heals, as long as we continue to hold it dear and chain ourselves up to its memory and force the world around us to dance to its toon

Thus in looking at this we find one of the keys to inner peace,  to becoming, and deciding to consciously live, with The Beloved. We find the willingness to look into our own eyes and see what pains us without letting it rule us, without letting it hurt us, without letting it change our world into something that is inauthentic and begun on the premise of the self violent act of not accepting ourself as we are  and of being afraid to ask our world to accept us as we are, afraid enough to take our own life and diminish or eradicate it rather than risk exposing our fear for the djinni smoke that it is.

In relationship the fear of sharing  of communing of being transparent is it not rooted in something that I am myself afraid of losing or encountering if I am honest first with me and then outloud with you?

when we experience the threat of loss and try to deflect it by withholding or withdrawing, we are using the manipulation of our own authenticity to present a faux face of cooperation so that we may increase our chances of favorable participation in a relationship with someone or something, it is a primal act of violence towards ourselves.  we have threatened our own self with our own fear, or greed, or illusion whatever it may be.  and that threat no matter how subtle ends our transparency and our opportunity for success and freedom

a threat is a threat is a threat  and violence always begins with stepping into a supposition and then escalating it into reality

so when I am afraid of expressing me to me  or to anyone outside of me   at the root of that avoidance, is my own violence my own threat of loss my own threat of causing pain or experiencing pain as a result of........  at my own hand

and so I train myself or did to avoid what is true or transparent about me   thinking that if I avoid that threatened thing then I am avoiding / saving myself from something I have imagined and decided about you or the world around me

so the first step is to acknowledge that the only way that I would know that I am lying to you by not being me is that I already know that I know me already  and I can't bear the thought of sharing me with you.

I cannot escape my Beloved,  I can turn my back on her,  I can ignore her but I cannot eradicate her.
She is Me  
Because of her  I cannot but be transparent with me  My Beloved
I can pretend that I am NOT ME,
but the only way that I can avoid being me with you is if I already know who I am and I have decided to act on that fear of letting you know the real me    therefore: it is impossible to not be transparent with me.  so you see the hard part is over before we begin.

it is to see that I exist even when I don't want to and to also see that that part of me that is ineradicable is the part of me that loves me evermore  that part of me is my Beloved

the next step is to admit that the only way to be safe in the inner or outer world is to exist as my transparent authentic Beloved Self, as me in the presence of my Beloved ,I am never alone or unloved in any world,  and if those whom I am around are truly NOT safe for me then pretending anything other than that the smart thing to do is to get away from them is also me being violent with me   staying with violence out of fear of violence is self violence.

which means that if I am not brave enough to be my transparent self transparently with you, then either I am trying to manipulate you, or my environment (which tells you something about me), or I am operating on the assumption, the judgement, that you will judge me, or perhaps the already knowledge (which is different than judgement) that you are indeed dangerous to me [( which simply may mean that you prefer that I not show up as me) that is the second most dangerous relationship, the first being if I am that way to me].  It means that I am behaving in your and my relating as if you have an agenda towards me and that that agenda is what fuels our interaction and without that agenda being met or satisfied then the relating between us would end, change, cease and desist, or something

and that would be perceived as a loss, or pain full for me  

why

why a loss if the parties I am partying with require me / if I am to be part of their party/ to be something other than what I am ?   if that is so, then they do not want me there in the first place. If that is so, and what they want is what they want and they are seeing if I am ready willing and able to fit the bill, then what am I doing?

Lucky for me I was never a Bill  I was always a Mary

so when I look at you and see in me the need, the desire, the want, the impetus from me to harm me so that I can or might be in your good graces, or conversely out from under what I already know to be your evil eye, I am being violent with me   and in doing so I am giving you and the rest of the world permission to also be violent with me  because I have already begun any interaction with me at the core of me with the violent act of threatening myself that the world will be less; my world will be less, my world will be painful or awful or unbearable if I am in it.

How crazy is that ?   somewhere inside of me in the past and on less and less occasion in the present, I threaten me with pain, dismemberment, horrible difficulties; it's like a nightmare house of horrors that are self inflicted  if I don't behave according to what I think is outside of me   according to what my fears are deciding for me

[All the while my Beloved Self is jumping up and down singing, "Take a Chance on Me! Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Chance, Chance!"]

so what is worse    actually losing a relationship that is not interested in me/you to begin with?  I know I know  everyone wants to be wanted  me also and many of us have invested years, decades really in this faux connection [don't you think we have lived in the djinni bottle long enough?]  and at heart we are so used to letting our own fear chase us through and out of our own house  

but I assure you     I guarantee that if you stand for you   and don't sell yourself for less  if you find you and not be all inner child huggie and loveydovey  but rather say  Hey I know you   and I like you and you are me and hey after all this time you are still here.  Huh whats that? You promise to bear whatever pain comes through the illusion of consequence and dispel it with a wave of the wand of The Beloved  well  who could not go for that   and what as a consequence those who are also of the Beloved of Themselves will also be brave and transparent with me and we will actually have created and live in a world that is made of authenticity and trust

its a simple thing really  to find ourselves  we simply have to look  don't be afraid  there is no one there who doesn't already love you totally and know you totally in all your old style fit the Bill-ness there is no judgement and no dues to pay and no going back

just the gentle standing with you/me as wee are and saying ok  yeah I can see why you might think that but lets try our life without that  lets try our life as us  as something that is not fearful or bent on revenge or holding on to whatever or needing recompense or blah blah blah

lets just everytime we feel that threat of needing to be non transparent, call a spade a spade and dig into our own supposition and get to the root of it, not in a messy past life way, but simply,

   I am afraid I am going to lose our friendship if I show up as me  and in saying that simple thing I admit that I think less of you and I am sorry for that   and I was for a wee moment willing, thinking about, considering not showing up as the real me

so

think wee can do that relatives     I think so     no need to be whoo-hooey  or rash or bold  just take a wee moment and look that emoticon in the face  and see its heart and  Take a Chance
accept that you/I am a being that needs a Beloved    and then  ta-da  be The Beloved you always wanted

love ya
mean it
mb

Comfort and Joy

Good Morning Relatives

it's a weird thing isn't it  needing to actually discover and learn and then practice new skills if we are going to actually have, allow, and enjoy a world that is different than the one we have walked away from

but there is no other choice is there?   I suppose that there is the choice of not doing it    but then what would become of all that newborn creativity if we use it to simply recreate what killed us in the first place?

I had a crazy horrible dream about the bank failing   and by that I mean THE BANK  you know what we all believe in  well  in my dream it failed   kaput bankrupt  insolvent

so for me that meant panic    not sure about what it would do to you  but to me  panic  then mad really mad sort of in a horrible told you so way     awful feeling  horrible

and then completely unnerved     I was caught in a night mare   caught in the past by looking back, my feet no longer flowing in my present which was caught by my eyes and senses and the essence of me that I let turn back.   I felt like Lot's wife slowly turning to salt by looking back and admiring the horror of what was foretold actually blossoming and coming true right before my eyes and the backs of those who were fleeing and NOT looking back   I didn't want to be salt  to be consumed by tears  which is how I felt  that I was dissolving into tears  it was comforting in a horrid crazy death calling way comforting but not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be

what happens when we leave the present for the past ?   what happens when we use the past to define our present?   a past that we have put to death, that we have sent on its way to it's inevitable demise.  we who are used to being steady in now that we believed in to be true and viable.  what happens what happens when we try to be in the present when all we can FEEL is the pain of the past ?  how do we unfreeze ourselves ?

so  what do we use to save kung fu from what defeats kung fu?  

we use kung fu

I know that is a little bit mysterious and kungfuy  but its way more concise than what is to follow

being caught in the fear and pain and rawness and tears of the past/present I got out of bed

I wanted to be held to be comforted but something in me finally realized that one of the reason I have not been in the position of actually having comfort; hugs, thoughtful hands, chests to hug that are solid and warm and gentle, laughter that gently put you/me back on your/my feet, then teases that help you/me regain your/my steadiness  and then trust and love that allows you/me to go on and forward and leave behind what ever it was that was back there

the reason I had not been allowed or to have that was that I did not yet have the skills to make it something that was not the past  that was not diseased or insolvent.  Life knows that I am not interested in what destroys  and I am aware that the subtle start of a downhill path often looks so exactly like the stairs that lead up to heaven,  I should have known that opportunity when proffered me was opportunity to change the world, my world, because changing my world, my path, my skill, my actions and application of theory will change my world  and changing my world, changing me  will most directly and solidly change all of you    THAT is kung fu   that is NOW a NEW NOW
and up until then when I reached for comfort I didn't really know how to have it in a non dependent creepy biohazard biofeedback horrible way.   but what do we know when we look in a mirror  we know that the opposite of where we find ourselves exists   and because we know that it exists  i.e. the opposite of a lie is truth,  the opposite of not now is now  the opposite of me who is not educated, skilled, confident and joyful, is me that is   the me who can receive comfort and give it without myself or the other person being trapped in it or covered in sticky nasty crap meant I had to be different  I had to discover and become new skills, but I also had to be engaged with a person or persons who are different as well

no wonder its been a bit bollocksed till now   I wasn't at the root of the weed yet  hmm one more root rooted out

 that revelation did not scare me rather it helped me to see finally the light of the door that I didn't know I needed to open

so now

the whole thing is about learning to have NOW  to be now
its back to the exercise of inner peace   in kung fu panda 2   letting the past go even if I have just woken up from it s night mare

but not in a oh you didn't happen way    Nope that's not it  living on the river DeNile is not a good idea either

present in the present with the past as the past but not denied  learn new skills  

the only thing that would bring me back to NOW was NOW

the only way to have a now that is not the past is to leave the past out of it

the only thing that can save kung fu from what defeats kung fu is kung fu

so getting dressed,  letting the dogs out, the cat in, scooping the poop, making coffee, slicing bread for french toast, feeding the dogs, eye meds for stinky, pouring coffee,  make the fire   all at the same time breathing and feeling my Dantian rather than cutting off my gut and walling off what I came out of  (and trust me it was the scariest tunnel of love that Ive ever been in) whew

and now NOW I am I find I am ok   wow   interesting   cool
and exhausting   all this doing is so traumatizing  I suppose it is better than starting over isn't it?

I can do this  I can discover you in the moment without knowing all about your past  and you can discover me in the moment without knowing all about my past  

we may not have a big moment  or know at first go how to have all that it is  but I have an idea that will grow and change   as our skill develops   but first we have to decide to have that skill

first we have to believe

thanx for that

love
mary

The Heart Was Made For Other Things: A Reflection on the practice of Heart Coherence

good Morning Relatives

 I want to offer a different perspective to the heart coherence idea.  There was no time at the gathering to discuss this idea fully either in private or public. Given that it was so beautifully outlined and emphasized in the fall issue of the Grandmothers Circle News, I thought that it would be timely to offer the mirror perspective to that practice.  I believe this might be valuable as well as informative to our sisters. I appreciate the balance and willingness of the Grandmothers Circle News in cultivating diverse community and perspective and I have mailed a copy of this blog in the form of an email to them and requested that it be published in the Winter issue.

Energetics are one of the ways that we as human beings communicate and listen, to our selves, and to each other. Energetics are a way of transferring intent to our environment and to each other. By Learning to feel, or gauge Energetics, we are able to determine the positivity, or negativity, of the intent of those with whom we interact on a daily basis as well as during times of ceremony.

I hate to be the one to say it, well actually I don’t hate to be the one, I am willing to be the one to say that not all who come to any gathering are of the same positive intent that I/we may be showing up with.  I don’t thing there is need to walk around like "I’m under attack," all the time, but suffice it to say that at every ceremony or gathering I have been at, there have been those who come to feed off of those who are there or may even have had a more destructive intention than just filling themselves up on someone else’s energetic giveaway.  It is a given that when a light shines things are attracted to that light.  There are predators in our world and for me pretending they are not there is just silly and a waste of time.

I have long been of the opinion that rather than pretend that this does not exist it is the responsibility of the leadership (i.e. those with more experience or training, or who are "in charge") to protect and guide those who attend, as they may be less aware of these entities and less than prepared to deflect, avoid, or negate them.

Even in a positive exchange, the movement or transfer of energetics can leave or create a feeling of euphoria, exhaustion, or fear depending on the circumstance.  These feelings, if created in a group or mass effect of human beings can be quite powerful.  They can also be quite misleading if not downright dangerous. One only has to bring to mind the people who died in Sedona a few years back to find a real-life example of the danger that is possible.  In Sedona there were charismatic leaders with a willingness to mislead others for energetic gain combined with individuals who as a group were willing to be misled for the chance to experience a spiritual phenomena.

The transfer of energetics whether willingly, naively, innocently or without awareness is something that can be mistaken as a sacred act. It is not that hard to manipulate a group of willing participants who have come to an event; to get away from their daily lives, or who have come seeking spiritual elevation, or who have come to find something that they still think is outside of themselves.  Elevating the energetics of willing participants can be done with group chant, song, recitation, meditation or voice over direction.

Even if it is a “Fake it till you make it” situation, that doesn’t mean that energetics are not being given and received.  On the contrary, if we elevate our openness and willingness and give away our energy,  even if we don't know what we are doing, someone or something is most likely going to take it.  Unfortunately for those of us who are faking it till we make it, the leaders of ceremonies like this will continue to drain us without ever teaching us to be ourselves truly until we have nothing left to give or we become succubus’s ourselves because we have an ah-ha moment where we learn we can snack on those who are all standing there pouring out their energy trying to connect by feeding the universe like it is not capable of feeding itself.  Trust me the Universe does not need you to sustain it, it is the other way around. 

Elevated energetics can be perceived and or described as coinciding with detailed phenomena which may in fact occur. People have visions, interact with Spirits, medicine comes in the dreamtime, in the practice of tai-chi or qigong after years finally, it clicks and then flows like magic.   But, I always remember what Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, “ Interesting if true, but so what.”  Meaning so you saw some firecrackers or your past life, what are you going to do about you in this life? How are you going to use that insight in your daily life?

One of the ways that I was taught to recognize those who I could trust to go to ceremony with was in observing whether or not the phenomena was the end point to them, or, whether or not the work that was being done was to actually educate, heal, or strengthen the participant.  Sadly to say the education part, the application of practical magic, or tai-chi, or simple prayer, so to speak, to our daily lives was and continues to be sorely lacking at many of these events.  

The phenomena is not the point of any energetic exchange. Whether that exchange be between a person and the Spirits, or a person and another person.  The point is to come face to face with the you, you have created so far, and decide if you are going to continue with her or not. If not, then the ceremonial leader should be able to follow up the event with perspective that helps YOU find YOUR PATH.  Any ceremonial leader should be available for you to ask questions of the day after or perhaps after you have gone home and thought about yourself.  We are accessible.  It's one of the rules.  However we / I am not available for you to follow around and worship. If you need something ask, but ask because you are working on working you out, not because you perceive them, or me, as the mouth of god dripping with honey. Yuck.  See what I mean? double yuck. 

For example: I am happy to help bring ceremony and real time connection for the grandmothers to the gathering.  I am aware that the Spirits show up, and that there is an exchange between the grandmothers individually and the Spirits and I am glad to be able to help that happen.  But, it does not make me more than or better than anyone else. I am just someone whose path lay in that work.  so, If you come back to grandmothers because you think I will be there and you can have another spiritual bang, I will probably be at the beach or in New York catching a show.  If you come back because you used the giveaway to grow and to blossom and you want to share the new beauty way that is you, well, I’ll be all ears and the first to honor you for your love of you and the medicine that was given by the Spirits and all the hard work you put it to in your life.  That is the phenomena for me. Awesomeness!

so, on to the fantasy of energy and coherence.

Any one among us who has “fallen in love” only to find out that our hormones, our passions, our libido, or simply what we ate for breakfast has given us a rush of fantasy or projection about ourselves or another person and our relationship to them as being exactly what we have been looking for all our lives; (gasp, take a breath and sigh)  only to find when we try to recreate that phenomena in our daily lives, that neither of us are who or where we thought we were or are; can understand the enormity of how wrong we can be about phenomena, energetic exchanges, and about how powerful it can be and that we are not in love at all but caught in something else. Something that can be quite dangerous.

Remember in Harry Potter the most dangerous potion in potions class was the love potion.  

 In the practice of the traditional medicine way, in which I have trained and continue to practice, it is strictly forbidden to step into the role of doing the work of the Spirits.  Each person who is in ceremony may be there in a circle, but each person has an individual interaction with the Spirits that is their business, not mine and not anyone else’s in the ceremony.  The “rim”:the pipes, the patterns, the directions, the medicine herbs, the songs or rituals of the ceremony, the people and animals who are gathered, the fire, the prayer tyes; are a dance of invitation and agreements between the intercessor and the Spirits so that there are rules and also consequences of stepping outside those rules if either the intercessor or the Spirits decide to use the willingness of the ceremonial participants to their own advantage.  This agreement on both sides is imperative for the safety of the participants.

During these times of energetic exchange between the individuals gathered and the Spirits, I may be present, I may be the intercessor,  but I am not a part of or connected to that exchange between each person and the Spirits.  I'm helping, I'm holding but I am not grasping or owning.  It’s complicated and takes years to understand and years to learn how not to be harmed let alone not harm anyone else and to let the Spirits do their work as they can.

Believe it or not Relatives, we can and do prevent them from giving all that they can. Thankfully the Spirits know exactly what my intention is and while I have been spanked soundly for being ignorant, not paying attention, or not being mindful, they know clearly that I have never ever ever wanted to use or have any personal gain from standing in that space.  

whe-ew  it is scary even thinking about that. As Grandmother Margaret says, our way is not an easy way.  

True Spiritual medicine or work does not happen because we have purposefully tried to cohere our hearts into one energetic mass effect.  Believe me the Spirits are fully capable of bringing all the needed energy to any event. We on the other hand, are already in alignment because we showed up and are standing together.  That is all it takes.  The medicine is not that complicated and it does not need for us to compromise ourselves or merge with another in order for it to work;i.e. have an effect on us or the world around us.  The Spirits are not one being, but they and we are all, One Being.  It is complicated to put into words but not to see.

It is more important that we be who we are individually, together, than to create an energetic connection that involves our hearts. That medicine of connectivity is happening all the time. It is not through our hearts that we connect to it.  Our gathering is to share our diversity, our nuance, our beauty, not to be gently trained to give our energy through repetition and practice to someone else's agenda or control.  The circle is not about being one or being the same. The circle is about individuals holding principles and agreements so that they through a predefined practice are able to be fully themselves as individuals.  That is the circle.

It is our singularity shining forth, yet held in closeness by standing with each other, that makes the great light of our gathering illuminating.  Linking our hearts, trying to put us all on the same wavelength, in fact for me makes coming together a vulnerable and dangerous activity.  Years ago when i was exposed to this group heart cohering, it felt wrong to me. I felt like I was being herded or trained to be something that was headed for a cliff.  There is a way to connect without this herding business. I will explain more about this in a moment.  Bear with me this is an important concept and is complex.

Spiritual medicine happens because the Spirits choose to show up. They are in charge. Not someone with a vision leading us through an energetic exercise that is designed to wow or shock and awe.  Every ceremony that I have led came from the culmination in the immediate moment of understanding, requests, lessons taught and visions discussed with elders after the ceremony was requested.  It comes from those who requested it and are gathered to receive it and deliver it. It is built as the medicine gathers itself specifically for that time place and all the participants.  For me there is very little "ritual" or pattern but there is always principle and listening and following with careful strict boundaries what the Spirits involved request.  Afterwards it is fully discussable and I am very willing to do so with any who were at the ceremony.  Confidentiality is one of the parts of ceremony.  Remember that the medicine of one event is connected to all the events of that gathering.  Ceremony works because those who are present are willing, not to be what we are not, but because we show up as who we are. The energy that is brought to a ceremony is brought by the Spirits and bound by the agreements made by the process  it is not generated by those who gather there.

Hooking up a bunch of old lady batteries to a spiritual display and creating an ah-ha moment that dazzles and distracts and fails to educate or teach something for daily life is not what the energy of your or my heart is made for.  We become what we practice and what may start out as a feel good ritual that is apparently innocent may be training us to participate in something that is much more serious and not necessarily in our best interest. the best example of that was the koolaid drinkers in Jonestown. Those spiritual seekers did not all of the sudden one day do the things they did.  They were led there by those who trained them in their innocence long before they moved to Guyana.  I'm not saying that the grandmothers are planning on serving koolaid but the point is that messing with the heart and what you or I or we connect to it can harm us and it begins with something that is small and not questioned.  it is lemmings headed for a cliff, or not?  my point in all of this is unless those who are asking you to do something are also giving you the chance the strength the opportunity and supporting your right to question and understand what they are asking you to do, then why are you doing it?  HMMMMMMM?

Frankly I wouldn’t want anyone to stand in circle with me and be expected to entertain or hold or bear what I might be ready to and I definitely don’t want to go through your stuff either. No offense but its just not a good idea. Why does all this matter to say?  Because, words matter, intention matters, because they are medicine and we don’t swallow medicine that we do not know fully or as close to fully what it will do to us and or what it will take from us. Words  matter.  It also matters because playing with fire will get you or me or some of us who are the most innocent burned.  We don't play with fire. 

  Not everyone, in fact very few of us have the same vibration or energetics at any given time.  One of the beauty ways of the circle practice is that even when we think we are all in agreement and have the same intention, we see that we are very diverse in our perspective and application of that intention.

The energies of our intention are align-able its true.  It can be done.   The mechanical, mental, or emotional alignment of group energies is one way that some people use to achieve what is felt or illuminated as a higher plane, a higher consciousness, or an esoteric happening.

Some people use the energies of others to create phenomena to try and gain something for themselves, or to create a group experience that is powerful.  But the creation of a group experience is not necessarily the same thing as a safe environment or helpful experience for those who are in attendance.

Giving your energy so that someone else becomes something from it is not your responsibility and will not bring positivity into your life even if it makes you feel different or whoo hooey for a little while. We are not responsible for each others spiritual successes, but we can be a participant in misleading them or ourselves if we proceed in ignorance or with negative intention.

 It has been my experience that those who manipulate the energies of others for their own purpose (even if they think it is for world peace) either do not really know what they are doing, or they are only interested in how it makes them feel afterwards and don't really care what it might do to you in the process. As long as there have been exchanges between our temporal bodies and our celestial selves there have been those who think differently about how and when and why that exchange is valuable or useful.

Trust me I have gone up to the "spiritual leader" the morning after one of these group ceremonial coherence grandmother events and asked her point blank about what she was doing. I asked her if she could see the dimensionality of the patterns and what they were really for.  I asked if she actually saw it or understood it, and how she intended to teach the grandmothers that were exposed to it how it might affect them later.  I asked her what life teaching came from what she used them to create or reveal.

The reply I got was that it was not her problem how it affected the participants. She didn't understand what it meant and she said it was not her responsibility to understand. She stated that she felt no responsibility to educate them or teach them, she didn't care if she didn't understand the depth and use of the pattern she only cared that she was successful in using the grandmothers to open it; and wait for it.... (this is the big holy crap eye awakener for me)  she was now (thanx to all the energy she just helped herself to and manipulated that was freely and I believe ignorantly given by the grandmothers who participated) some sort of spiritual creation chief of rainbow energies and she had better things to do than think about the daily lives of grandmothers or how what she wanted to do would affect them.

yeah  I kid you not that is what she told me    not a great followup to ceremony huh grandmothers ?

I guarantee you that none of the Spirits of Creation or otherwise are uninterested in our individual health, well being, and understanding.  At least not the ones I hang out with.  Whew, After that gathering I felt like I had been witness to a great spiritual tragedy.  the next year when it came time to send in an application I sent mine with a list of questions for the leaders with concerns about ceremonial impact and followup. It was the third year that I had asked them if they would consider putting together a spiritual council of women from different faiths and tribes who were spiritual leaders to be part of the planning and care for the grandmothers.  It seemed to me, after attending for three years that they were determined to make ceremony and spiritual encounter and energy exchange a big part of their agenda and I thought it would be a good idea to have some elders help over see that and be available to the grandmothers. Kind of a balance and oversight committee.  I received no reply to my questions or suggestions.  I waited and then sent another questioning email to see what was going on, it voiced my concerns and the wall of fear that I encountered in the ether every time I sat down to write out my check to attend.  What I received in the mail was a letter from the planning committee of that gathering formally disinviting both myself and Grandmother Margaret from ever attending.  It was written by the leaders of that gathering, they clearly expressed that they preferred I never come back to that gathering.  Something to do with asking too many questions. 

One of the Traditional Spiritual Teachers that I have has said that any ceremonial leader should be able to sit down and quietly and thoroughly answer questions from another ceremonial leader about what they are doing.
In other words if you cannot sit in front of the most innocent and speak clearly about who you are and what you are about and have clear and repeatable answers for those who ask then are you someone who is safe?

 We are not gods even though we are God. We do not use each other to create or destroy.  We are on this physical plane, we are removed from some of what we as eternal beings are capable of when we are stars, so that we may understand compassion and thoughtfulness, mindfulness and love each of us in our own moment as one beauty way perfect as we are. That is a great power and a great thing that is made to be the great IAM as the infinitesimal nuance that is everything all together all at once in one moment as itself. There is no need to blend or link to create our work or see or feel who we are in each others presence.  In fact if we become one here and now we negate the here and now of who we are. 

we are not the same and we are not meant to be the same  or to use who we are  or use each other to make something else in this time and space that is not our job this go round  that job belongs to the creation spirits   it is quite enough to learn while we are here to be all that we individually are  and to come together and make the space for each other to be as we are separate but gathered is quite a miracle in itself

so back to the circle and the intentions that are gathered there and why we don't connect to that circle with our hearts

It is easy to see that very few of us no matter how long we know each other or how cohesive our discussions are have or carry the same intention in any given situation especially in a circle. We all come from different experiences, memories, skill levels, and have different agendas and communicate well but often not very well with those who we are meeting for the first time or even those with whom we are trying to learn a new way to connect. One of the reasons we use the circle practice is that it allows us as individuals, as ourselves fully, to interact in a personal and sometimes very powerful way through our connection to the middle; to the fire.  Our connection through the rim of agreements, principles and practices assures us that we may show up as we are without any worry that we will fit or not fit, be the same or not, be huggy and lovely, or something altogether original. The one thing that the circle practice prohibits as does the universal or cosmic laws, is that of using opportunity for self promotion, gain or manipulation of others.  Its a no-no.

We are unified in our circle practice and the energetics go in the middle, in the Dantian, the fire in the belly of the circle. For some of us this is the first time we get to experience freely not fitting in, not being the same, not bending ourselves as women or changing who we are into a cohesive unit that pleases or serves something beyond ourselves.  For some of us, the circle practice at the gathering is the first time we get to exist as ourselves and listen to our own heart speaking to us.  What makes the circle valuable is that it is diverse.  What makes us so valuable is that we are diverse.  We are the beautiful nuance of eternity captured in a moment of time and space.  You are absolutely different than me and I love that about you!

The heart is powerful.  It is also personal.  It is private and in more than one human being who is walking around the heart is often physically compromised or weak.  It is no secret or illusion that great energy can change, move, harm or heal the physical, emotional, and cognitive capacity of a physical being.

This is why in the study ofTai-chi, qigong, and in ceremony it is a core teaching and responsibility of the master to teach the student that the energy of the practice, the medicine, flows not from the heart but from the belly, the Dantian of the fire. The heart has other tasks and medicines to attend to.  Energetics that flow between us especially during elevated times of interaction should not originate from, reside in or move into the heart.  To do so is to risk killing or severely damaging the heart of the person you are sending that energy to, or to yourself as the conduit of that energy. There is more than one account of Masters who damaged their hearts, had heart attacks and died or nearly died, because when they were first beginning to learn their practice, they did not learn to move from the Dantian rather than the heart.

basically its like plugging your christmas lights into the wrong socket.  It may work for a bit when you are learning and trying on your practice, but when what is really inside of you and what is really outside of you (which is still you) connects in your heart, rather than the Dantian which is designed for that connection; it fries the heart.  just like too many plugs at christmas

Please do not ask me to align my heart with yours energetically. Please, recognize rather, from my individuality and my active attentiveness that I am present and I want you also to be present.  I do not want to be you or for you to be me, I want us to BE together we already are, One, and it is here as singularities that I get to see myself in you as the beauty that in this time and space I cannot be or see when we are not here.  My heart is mine, yours belongs to you.  Our Dantian however is something else altogether. 

and if you are still with me after all the preamble  which is important  then now we will get down to the Dantian (not the heart, ha caught ya!) of the matter.

In tai-chi, and in qigong, in ceremony, the flow and exchange of energy is one of the core principles of the movement and power or strength of the practice.  In tai-chi, ceremony, and qigong, energy may pass through our entire being including our heart, but we do not hold it there or move from the heart in our practice.  We do not use our heart as the focus or receptacle of energy flow, chi, around or through or from us.  To do so is dangerous.

To teach people to connect through their heart for energy exchange is, for someone of my training and background, a thought that is abhorrent in the highest degree.   I understand that not all have my background or training, or experience.  I remember that we are all diverse and that we all have differing paths and nuances to share.  I respect those who want to pursue this way of heart coherence that is being taught and shared as the beauty way.  However, I feel it is my responsibility to speak up for a different way.  

We use the Dantian for energy exchange precisely because it is not emotional or controlled by our thoughts. We use it so that we do not overwhelm another with our own thoughts or emotions or allow another to overwhelm us. Moving from the Dantian, connecting to the energetics that flow between us through the Dantian is connecting through the higher states of awareness rather than the physical and emotional and mental mechanism of the heart.  Believe it or not the heart is real. It is a muscle that can be damaged, overwhelmed, and sometimes destroyed actually very easily by energy.  The Dantian however, is a place that exists inside us without existing in one of our physical organs. It therefore capable of being used as an energy exhange center, without risk of a heart attack and is quite useful as a defense against a body or energy attack.  The Dantian is capable of being everything all together all at once (Takucnascnan) without harming us physically or depending on someone else to manage or control it.  it is not controllable by another in us which is quite cool and yet it is very capable of connecting to all that is.   Awesomeness!!!  and it is built in , yep  its free you already have one just like I do and its been waiting for you to find it all these years   cooooooool 

I understand the desire to feel the heart bond or elevation of energy especially when our hearts are tired or our Dantian is cut off from the energetics of our universe and spiritual self because we have a block in ourselves that keeps us from its balance. If you are unable to connect to your Dantian I suggest working on it rather than using or practicing connection by using the heart.  The heart is wonderful and amazing, but it is not the place to connect, it is the place that tends to us as individuals.

Many of us have forgotten that we have a private garden in our heart and we also have a universal spiritual hub so to speak  in our Dantian.  They are two different places in our bodies.  My heart is the place in me that gets to remain gentle and soft, protected by skill, experience, and the sacred space that is my one and true place in this physical world that is part of the great circle of life.  My heart is my place.  It belongs to me and it is where I sit in council with myself.

My Dantian is my place of exchange.  Because the Dantian is intimately and inexplicably connected always to Takucnascnan (everything alltogether all at once) the eternal and the temporal and all that is and all that was and all that will be  ALL of IT, it has much more skill and ability than my brain, or my heart muscle, or my slow to remember untrained ignorant self thus far.  So I trust it to take care of me and I am learning to move from it and to receive through it and to let it take care of me and to not override it (my gut) with my head or my emotion or someone else’s story or agenda.  It has enough coherence for me with all of you for lifetimes of connection. 

when we gather, I trust that my presence is a coherence.  I trust that my practice is a coherence.  I keep my heart for me. my Dantian is constantly in motion in balance with the Dantian that you also bring.  So think about your heart and think about your beautifulness and take good care of it.  We are quite amazing spiritual warrioresses ladies.  We just need to make sure that we know what we are doing and choosing.  Educate yourselves, ask questions, follow but don't be led.  Walk with me not behind me.  we are in circle are we not?

So with all respect to the other side of the mirror and its practices and practitioners, Rather than using my heart to give, receive, or send energy and coherence to any other, I choose to use my Dantian, my core of chi, my gut.  It is the place where my sense of restraint and deflection and thoughtfulness and understanding is not controlled by my head or by my emotion or colored by my fantasy or past. It is the place that is impervious to harm, which is quite nice frankly.  It is the place where I know that no harm will come to you from me or to me from you.

and so with this letter/blog I stand in my place in the circle and add a voice of perspective and perhaps balance to our gathering 

thanx for letting me be present and I hope you enjoy the present of this

love ya, mean it 

Hehaka Win Wicakpi Zi 

Frozen Thawed Water River standing walking not looking back

Good Morning Relatives

its warm enough today that the ground looks like a brown and green and white pinto pony   the embrace of winter is easing into the earth and the sky

how long has it been since we learned not to hold onto that which makes us sick   that which when grasped tight to our chest holds us in its grip and poisons our thoughts and our perspective

it has been an interesting and long but frankly now forgotten journey for me to find the way of no way

no way meaning  there is no way I am going to bed with that idea  there is no way that I am going to be the refuse dump for what so severely disappointed you and I promise not to treat you like my own personal round bin either

this year is the first year that I am solidly confident that it can be done    we can outgrow  kill off   walk away from   replace that nasty behavior in ourselves and in doing so give an example of this type of peacefulness for each other  

and perhaps if I can do it  you can do it and if you can do it then that makes two and two makes for and then on to five gold rings
do you see how we can make the world less which is after all more

I truly truly am repeatably daily here and not here at the same time  way cool
way doable and I didn't think it could be done and I didn't know what it was like but now that I AM I can so tell that it is so right on!

Sweeeeeeet

this is good  this is worth it and it is doable

the idea is taught in kung fu panda 2   actually the idea of inner peace and non inner peace and where the two paths lead is so illustrated by that movie   awesomeness for sure

so  its our choice what we want to hold on to   its our choice whether or not we want to be hard like a stone or strong like a rock    its our choice if we let the events of our past or even of someone else's past color our present  and captivate our future

sometimes after ceremony people pull me aside and ask me to wade through their pain or their negativity or their fear or their own struggle with their own struggly bits

I remember being someone who thought she had to wrestle with herself all over someone else's ear pans  in order to have my pain be real  to vent my frustration to be angry without having the nerve or the articulateness to be angry with those who actually caused it  what ever

and I do mean what ever

I needed to blast around  why because it is what we do  because the struggly bits that I was holding on to were so valid to me  so life changing so dramatic   so what ever

whatever meaning whatever it was the thing that I wasn't realizing was that it was me clinging to  grasping at and struggling with those bits that was damaging and captivating me  preventing me from having anything but that crap  that whatever when it was long gone down the river and me with it

let it go

if you need care and emergency help    get it
if you need to take a moment to compose a reply that is yours and not pushed by someoneelse's pointed stick  take that moment and then stand and deliver
if you need to run away  get on it girl
if you need to simply turn aside and brush off what was trying to cling and refocus on what you were doing  no problem

but the wounds of the past heal    scars fade   life moves on  do you with it?

so sometimes after ceremony or teaching a workshop people want me to fix or solve or listen to their struggly bits  and the truth is   I care about them  and I can see that they are struggling but it is not my struggle and I am not a counselor and my time and life is more precious to me than their stuff  and I don't want to have to filter or clean off of me what ails them   and that is the reality of it  

what is also the reality of it is that I can see that they are worth more than their precious struggly bits and in that moment  they cannot

so let it go     let it go     let it go and don't look back

and in its place have right now      eat a caramel apple pop    brush your hair   go for a swim    look in the mirror and find five things you really love about yourself    roll around on the grass   begin the ceremony of dinner or lunch or tea      exhale   do quigong     hold hands without talking with yourself

be something other than destructive   be something that has the moment  rather than assigning it to the past

so yesterday I received a card in the mail that was full of negativity  interspersed with nicety complements and derision  bitterness   pain and way embedded in that card was the tiny seed of what perhaps might if a crowbar long and large enough could be positioned might turn out to be a person who was seeking themselves by looking in my mirror  perhaps  but only if I screwed up my eyes and looked out my left ear did I see it  mostly what I saw was the old way that I used to catch myself up in what it meant to be spiritual or a leader or a friend or whatever   an old idea of me is what I saw  and it is not and was not for me to be the answer to that writer or even to determine what they were or are seeking   I saw pain and the ability to write it down and send it on so I sent it on into the fire  

I could feel the old me wanting to not do that   the old me seeking somehow some way to be there  and what is funny relatives  is that I finally saw that the best way for me to be there was to let that water drop of pain on paper move across me without breaking or drenching me or becoming me or me making it into something I NEEDED to do or have or be  and I let it fall  in its entirety into the fire

nice

so don't try and be there  other than being there   its enough  then walk away and trust them to get on with their life the way they want to    

its been an entire lifetime of looking for me deciding what that meant and didn't mean  trying on things and discovering what is true and not true in this place and time about me and once again at the end of this day  I am closer and I am free er  and I AM  with you and without you at the same time  pretty cool

thanx to the water and the fire and the panda and to you relatives for helping me find me    it is the work and journey along the day that in the year brings what we have gathered individually to the table to be shared among friends  
this is my work shop  
mb

inner peace and the acid spitters a light in the dark of practice

Good Morning Relatives

so I was thinking about the grandmothers gathering and also about Kung Fu Panda 2

I was writing out some things  some observations   and in trying to condense down into succinctness that which is complex or full of nuance  it took me awhile to find the best question  because its all a question isn't it?  and asking the most succinct question leads us to the most accurate, relevant applicable, i.e. deepest answer or at least that is what I have found to be true

so, here is the question:  what is it that the Dragon Warrior is fighting for?

we know that he uses kung fu to save kung fu from that which destroys kung fu
this relatives, is the same as using circle practice to save circle practice from that which destroys circle practice  what the Dragon Warrior and We bring to this practice is the willingness to dig deeper into the application of the agreements and principles and to learn what that looks like in an ever evolving world of non practice  oh and lack of resistance to change both negative (outside the practice) and positive ( inside the practice)  that is really something!

we know that he finds who he is today by letting go of the wounds of the past  he is not what he was or what happened to him  he is who he chooses to be now

we know he finds inner peace because we see him learn and practice the skill of holding himself as himself even as he reaches out and has an intentional encounter with a water droplet.

inner peace is what he is while he holds his place, his own identity separate from the water drop as he moves with it through time and space; letting it fall, letting it do its thing, and experiencing it, experiencing himself being himself while it moves across his awareness, through his space and time  he moves with it WITHOUT absorbing it or modifying it or slowing it down or modifying himself as himself as he encounters it   that is inner peace   there is no impetus to exist in an others space and time in order to know or feel or experience that we exist   both the water drop and the panda have inner peace in that time and space

during the gathering I was gently and thoughtfully lead through the exercise of gathering the "water" of someone else's "stuff" that had been splashed on me; words and emotions that were like acid and were intended to "drench" me and others in their intention, words and emotions that if held in the agreements of circle practice would simply go into the fire where they would find peace but, these words and emotions had been splashed about persistently and liberally outside of the circle and some of it had gotten on me.  it is hard to hold the agreements of circle practice when others are not doing so,  it is hard to learn the nuance of what that means,  it is hard to see that everything is kung fu and what that means  until  that it we see it,  we get it  until we let go and hold on all at the same time,

I was not quite there yet  I knew that I needed to hold on to circle practice  I knew that inner peace about this was at hand and I just could not yet get it   ....  and I was fighting, struggling with not chewing on their fist, not letting their stuff absorb into me.   so I sat with a friend and did not spew it on her I just outlined my own struggle to the center  between us  and she sat with me and reminded me gently to move that stuff off of me and to let it go back to the earth who would know best how to take good care of their stuff,  there was no need for me to own, grab, change, judge, eat, chew on, pass on repeat or invest in what was theirs

I encountered them on their journey  and I am and was on mine  we travelled together in the same time and space but we were not the same and there was no need to be them or become them or have them become me for either of us to exist peacefully

sometimes people throw acid or spit acidic words and intentions on others or into their ears  not sure what the motivation is  Im sure it is personal  it would be like trying to assign a motivation or cause to each raindrop that fell from the sky  all I know is that it wasn't mine and I am and was under no obligation to take it in or on  but because there was a deliberateness in the delivery and I was in the position of needing to move through the same time and space as this drop it was imperative that I not run away or get splashed and burned it was imperative that I maintain me peacefully and yet move that "stuff" through my encounter with it without becoming part of it or it part of me    it was tough  it is a tough concept until it is not   LOL so much of our learning is like that isn't it?  cell phones were a mystery until they were not  so was tying shoes and walking we just don't remember

so I was struggling but close  so I picked a good and steady friend to help me and she agreed so we sat

  my friend sat with me and led me through the exercise of the water droplet and she spoke to me of beauty of laughter of gentleness and of song  just regular things of our lives and friendship and as she spoke to me I let her words sweep up all that acid and gently put it back into a little ball that rolled off of me onto the earth

I didn't hold onto the acid until she was done
I didn't try to use her or me or our our-ness to dilute or explain it away
I didn't do anything but visualize that spoken acid being swept up and collected back to itself with peace and care and let it go

you see I know the earth is much much better with perspective than I am, she has more experience with acid spitters, violence and anger than even I do, she has more resources and much more ability and wisdom to care for what they were seeking or doing in a way that will take good care of them and her and I as well.  I really mean that relatives  it is not just an idea or something I repeat  it is a truism in me and in sweeping up all that "stuff" and letting it roll off me with attentiveness and care  it was a relief and I am grateful to my friend and the people at dreamwork and the panda and master shifu and oogway and the water for this teaching  in practice   I am also grateful to the acid spitters for the perfect timing of their gift that illuminated for me finally an immediate and beautiful opportunity to learn and actually experience this exercise in inner peace  thank you

so acid spitters, confidentiality and circle practice breakers are one thing, but how does our Dragon Warrior hold onto inner peace when cannon balls are screaming towards him?  how do we hold onto our circle practice and our kung fu, our inner peace; when someone wants to load us up with gossip and that someone is us?  how do we maintain inner peace when that little urge to inflate our self worth rises up in the form of being someones champion presents itself to us?  we save kung fu by using kung fu,  we maintain circle practice by maintaining circle practice.

well    lets go back to the beginners mind     lets go back to zero      lets go back to the principles and agreements  and see if what we are fixin to do is in accordance with that or those or not?

the greatest strength that the Panda has is that he always goes back to zero  always   always  always

we know that Po protects what is precious  even that precious moment in the end when Lord Shen had the choice the moment when he could abandon his current path.   the Panda does not choose for Shen  he protects Shen's right to choose his own destiny no matter what he has chosen up to that moment  he does not jump in and prevent Shen from destroying himself nor does he punish him for what he has done up to that moment  he knows that just like himself  Shen gets to decide who he is and ride that pony once he has saddled it

so one thing that scene teaches me is that sometimes the acid spitters burn down their own house around themselves  it happens if you keep pouring sugar on a fire you started

thats the other nice thing about the Panda  he knows that each of us can learn  can and do choose and each of us gets to decide who we are and what pony we want to ride (by the way if the pony thing throws you it is just an old Texan thing we grew up saying; you saddled that pony  I'm not going to ride it for you you can always turn it back out to pasture but if you insist on riding it its your pony)

remember even if your story did not have such a good beginning ( i.e. everything up to that moment )  it can still have a beautiful ending; it all depends on what you or I or we do with the gift of the present

inner peace comes from not letting our past or our projections about the future control our gift known as the present  but it also comes from not letting anyone else's reality become our own   it is possible to encounter someone whose reality is completely different than ours  ( and what could be more different than a water drop that is on its way to falling to the ground and a big fat panda hand and arm finding it and moving with it through the air ) inner peace is holding ourself fluidly and thoughtfully and not putting our reality our shape our wherewithal on any other being even when we are as close as that water drop is to itself and Po,  (Po doesn't change the water drop and the drop does not change him) while we also do not let them change us ( the water drop stays intact as itself even as it makes its way across him to the ground)

but it takes skill  it takes practice  it takes learning to dig a little deeper to produce the fruit of the present   to hold onto our own beauty way when perhaps we encounter on our path those who do not choose to respect or hold sacred and protect the same thing that the panda holds and protects for us

do we worry about them?  so we try and change them?  do we ride their pony?  do we let go of our own discipline and agreements so that they are not alone?  how much ego and illusion do we let ourselves be caught in  it only takes one small waver in our centeredness to be caught in their story and drenched  holding inner peace isn't a rigid thing it is simply holding that center holding that peace holding that identity that we have decided on  

thats right we get to decide over and over who we are  and when someone comes along and asks us to change that commitment why do we give them and their desire precedence over our own inner peace?  its a good question  its something that only each one of us can answer for ourselves.  its private only we can look in our own mirror and answer for ourselves what it is about us that makes us step from our story into theirs?

 so what is that thing and what kind of skills do we need to be the Dragon Warriors of our Own Lives?  most of all it takes deciding who we are in the mo  

who are you?   what does that mean and what will mean when the gorillas, the wolves, the Lord Shen's or the gardener ask us to step off our path and on to theirs?  some of us are caught by sugar, some by acid, some by trauma, some by praise, some by work, some by effort some by stillness each of us knows what story it is that we get caught in and each of us needs to be given the gift of knowing that we do not have to play, finish, continue or stay caught   we simply roll it all back up and let it go  find ourselves in the now and be that only

is it worth it?  the panda thinks so,  and so do I

inner peace does not exist until it is not dependent on outer peace to exist  and inner peace also is fully able to exist with an others inner peace or perhaps their loud and blatant disharmony without in any way being the same as that which it encounters  cool huh?


so what is Po fighting for?   good question    I think he is simply fighting for level zero
for the right for each one of us to have our own inner peace

we know from circle practice that holding the principles and agreements of the circle helps us maintain our own personal integrity, our privacy, our strength, our place and chance of vulnerability that leads to inner strength.  it helps prevent us from judging others and or ourselves   it keeps us intact, clean, free to enjoy and create rather than destroy ourselves  we know from practicing the circle practice that not everyone wants to hold these things  or to abide by them  we know that learning brings up things that need to be released but we don't let go of the practice  and as long as we do not let go of it it will not fail us

so what is the panda fighting for   ?  that space  that space that is around and between all of us where we hold our agreements for ourselves and each other   that minute difference between my surface tension and yours is maintained by inner peace and by respect and the intention to create rather than to destroy

when someone takes over your space  or breaks the agreements or confidentialities held in circle  when someone asks you to set aside or break these confidentialities or agreements then they are asking you to set aside your own beauty way. they are asking you to destroy yourself  they are enlisting you as the warrior of black and white that defeats you if you continue on your current path which may be your path after all and surely is their path if they are asking you to destroy that surface tension

what are the skills that help us recognize when we are either using the energy of our encounters with each other (fireworks/ gunpowder/the ignition of fire, air, earth and intention) for creating beauty or for destruction?    is that not the difference between Lord Shen and his parents?  is that not the difference between kung fu and violence?  is that not the difference between holding and maintaining the principles, agreements and practices of circle practice and in breaking them?

creation or destruction

we can all tell the difference can't we

if we need more information  or we need to consider before acting or responding we ask for the bell  

even between us we can ask for the bell    

stop    hold it     wait     excuse me    umm I can see this is urgent for you but I need a mo  my undies are on fire  wait I don't have any undies on   got to pee!!  hold that thought and while you are at it keep it to yourself  I may be back but I won't want that thought then either  so move on

there are a thousand and one ways to ring the bell   and it is ok to do it at any time

hold it right there    I need to make sure my foot ing is steady and where I want it to be

we don't give others control over our footing, our ears, our compassion, our interpretation, our agreements, our confidentiality, our presence or our story

if we do   then we are putting them in the position of being Lord over our Life  and that is not part of the circle practice

so what the Panda is protecting is that space  that agreement that we have between and with each other and ourselves

there is a way to apply circle practice and agreements to your daily lives   I know that for most of us at least i can speak for myself here  that church was something we attended  not a place we lived   school was where we were taught, learned and were tested in our application of that learning,  sports or kung fu class was for practicing team playing and kung fu discipline   when I was a child, it seemed in the world I grew up in that  none of these places seemed to over lap  

my parents and others who were older than i; those who for me were the examplers of life and how to live it   they seemed to have these on and off switches they used   and when they left kung fu class discipline was left behind with it    when they left church honorable behavior stayed behind   when not at school teaching and growing seemed to be on a back burner  it was confusing to me  like letting go of what held us in good stead in these between places where we would all get lost and bad things would happen like gossip, and fear, and theft, and violence, and hatred, and all manner of negativity  it was icky  and it took me a long time to get rid of the idea of between places of its existence in my own life and then to not run away from others who were also taught to live like that and it also took a long time to learn to live in a constant care without weakness or judgement or like a stone or a hard place that felt nothing  hard style is not my style  and now I am learning even more how to be here and have that inner peace its quite cool

so one thing  one thing is to not let go of the principles and practice and agreements of circle practice it will make a difference and we can be quite creative and funny in its application even as we are being steady  no between places

the same sometimes happens when we go to grandmothers or attend ceremony or sit in circle practice   because we are as equally trained to abandon what goes on when we are attentive and attend once we walk out of circle or go home from grandmothers as we are to be attentive and attend when we sit down in circle together  

we don't have to leave circle practice behind in the circle  

so i am suggesting that we do not  do so    that we merge and over lapp and combine our principles, our practices, our agreements, our disciplines, our joy, our respect our confidentialities and bring them out into our lives as if we are always in circle  as if we are always kungfu  and as if we are always holding in sacred joy the respect that I belong to me and my now  you belong to yours and even if your past or mine did not have such a great beginning  it is NOW that matters most
and what I would like most to do with the present of my present  with my gift is to create  rather than destroy

best to you
mb

thanx in black and white

Good Evening Relatives

its our first real snow storm of the season today     it peaceful      Ive just returned from the grandmothers gathering in Az

it was an amazing giveaway of so much understanding  so much beauty of the work that all the women put into the gathering  the planning and circle practice practitioners   came into blossom and fruition right in front of our eyes

I am especially pleased and grateful for the gifts of understanding that I was given from the various women who came to the gathering and gave their gifts to all who freely wanted to partake of them

thank you for your giveaway  I am still considering and enjoying the unpacking of those gifts as I enjoy the silence and peace of the winter snow here in Pipestone

it was an extraordinary year this year  it was a very balanced year from my perspective and I find that encouraging

I want to use todays post to say thank you to all who showed up and who shared in the gifts this year  and I include in that thank you the Spirit Beings  the land the Beings who participated as watchers and onlookers  to the staff and those who at home made it possible for those who travelled and gathered to give and receive  thank you  thank you to those who brought the believing mirror those who brought the shadow and negative reflection so that we, you, I  all could be assured that each of us were truly who we chose to be and had the conviction and heart to stand in our own presence in each others presence  and be present   thank you for that gift of making sure that I and others and yourself were steadfast in the commitment to be who we came to be and who we dedicate ourselves to be truly and without apology I understand and have known for many years that what to some is a darkness to others is a light  and when a light shines in darkness it is simply that which illuminates what is unseen and often that light is a negativity that by its very willingness to show up so brightly helps me to discover the hidden way of positivity that I seek and yet cannot often find it is the same as finding life by being surrounded by death  all that is not is what is
 we are neither light or  dark beings but the reflection of what is and the embodiment of what we choose and choose again and again to hold as precious in our own hearts and minds

it is without apology or judgment that I accept that it takes an entirety of experience to satisfy the need for a human being to finally become immovable in its centeredness to trust the path that unfolds as we continue to create our own way by choosing to deepen the principles and practices that we value

not all honor or value the same principles and practices and I accept and honor without judgement those who choose differently than me  may we all go in peace and kindness into the future that we have and do create on a daily basis some to that which destroys and some to that which creates  each in a world that lives and breathes as surely as the one each of us discards

thank you for your very precious gift for it is only in the presence of darkness that the value of the light is realized  and it is only in the light that the desire for the comfort of the dark may be responded to with clarity

thank you
thank me
thank all

best this night and those that follow as we make our way into the birth of a new world peace to the old one as it is laid to rest

mb

face off

Good Morning Relatives

well its a nice fall rainy day  and the fire is going and I am doing my best to choke down my protein shake   uggh  lol  no matter how much I make them with fresh fresh fresh  they are nasty

but got to get vitamins somehow and I just don't live close enough to a good market to get fresh food that is great and full of vitamins!!!  anyhow thats probably tmi

this weekend was spent at the women in spirituality conference in Mankato  it was as always an interesting place   and time  and a bit deeper for me this year than last  which is also interesting

so I tried a Facebook experience for a bit this summer and early fall    what I found was that the more time I spent on that site  the less I spent here

also I found that people on average rarely ever wrote anything   they like things  they repeated what others had like or sent on  and there was very little that seemed to me that was original or personal

most of the people that I was "friends" with  never email me  or call   with the exception of two people who responded immediately with notes and well wishes and then donations  none of the "friends" responded at all to a go fund me campaign that I posted about multiple times a day to help a dog that needs cataract surgery to restore her vision    it was amusing to me or perhaps disheartening  they sort of feel the same to find out that if I was willing to post cutesy pictures or anecdotes or what have you then people glommed on to my words  but when i asked for help  yes for money and support  everyone pretended I did not exist    by the way  here is the link for that campaign

gofund.me/givenewk9eyes


is that what our friendship has become?   the inability to be personal  original  honest or thoughtful  invested truly in anothers care?  and I am not talking about money only  I am talking about people asking  hey  how is that fund raising going?   hey how is that dog   does she run into trees?  is she not as scared this week?  does she play well and will you let us know how her surgery turns out?  or I didn't know dogs could get cataracts  or wow she is so young !

so relatives   I offed myself off of Facebook  

the price of these friends is too high for me  because it means that in order to keep going with that media  I have had to accept that my friends had lost what made me enjoy them in the first place when we met and spent time together in person  and personally I would rather not reduce them or myself to that less-ness    we are worth more than that or than the habits that are subtle and distracting and teach us that less is enough and casual and surface is satisfactory

take care with your faces and your hearts relatives

best
mary

frost on the pumpkin

good morning relatives

it was beautiful this morning when we went out    there was frost everywhere and as the sun came on up and the dogs raced around Ic ould feel the heat that was melting the frost   it was amazing  

the ground is getting harder    firmer   and it is readying itself for the snow and ice that will come

it is like breathing in qigong  in out strong soft up down hard soft     I am now doing my qigong every morning after the dog walk before coffee    when lying in bed in the early morning I practice what the tai chi masters call reverse breathing

in   fully    slowly   pulling the stomach and diaphragm up causes the upper lobes of the lungs to inflate under the collar bones  it is like tiny wings filling with air  

then slowly out   down  diaphragm and stomach to the dantien     the center that is just below the belly button  

do not hold stress or intention in the heart     do not hold or grasp the heart    move all intention and cause and effect to the dantien      

that is the navel of the earth  breathing in and out as the frost covers the warm ground that is cooling as its intention changes


how is our intention today relatives  

mb

falling down

Good Morning Relatives

How is your fall coming down?   it has been pleasant here at the center of the east and west gate    the leaves are changing and falling all in the same day   some days are in the 80's  some in the 50's   all perfect in their own way

how many of us have tried to figure out what it means to have ourselves even for one day perfectly?

I think for me it has been hardest to root out judgement and fear  self judgment  judgement of others  fear of finding out who I am and of being different even as I enjoyed the wonder and amazement the satisfaction that that difference privately provided me

so back to the meditation on the tree

each part connected to the whole  each part a cell of the heartwood, the cambium, the bark, the root, the branch, the leaf   each and everyone the same in its identity as being a part of a beautiful whole  yet each part each intake and exhale of lifes breath through each cell differently perceived  differently used appreciated or resisted   each leaf the same but so so very different

and the entire thing at peace with its difference  at peace with its combination

long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept me I  began to do so

long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept you  I began to do so

fear abates finally

peace takes its place  fills me with the simpleness of standing still

it is enough

Love Needs a Footprint

Good Morning Relatives

I thought about the events that took place on 9-11-01  truly a day of lunacy    and since that day we have been at war for over 5110 days   we as a nation acted as if we could eliminate the vulgar the horrific the violent from our world body  if we went to war and did our best to kill what brought us so much pain and loss then somehow that would make it all go away make it better  make us normal again   but how can we ever be normal if normal means that which never felt loss or pain or put upon by those who cannot think beyond death   why have we put our lives in the hands of those who such a small and tight and painful grip on the soul of the world   why do we not see that they are the small thorn that reminds us why we take a break and laugh, or play, or be gentle and generous

 the war that followed 9-11 was not just about vengeance, it was about profit and dominance of one right over another using might  using death, starvation, threat of violence, economic infiltration and dominance

instead of our government helping us heal from that tragic day they have made the scar bigger and deeper

it just seems to not make very much sense does it?

what happened to making the peaceful bigger  what happened to our global footprint?

for two years I have been dealing with the pain and loss, the fear and change in my psyche that falling and being crushed did to me.  I thought last winter that I had it made  I was in the clear and on the road to freedom when I slipped on the ice at the little job I had taken on and fell again, only this time even though the fall was not as horrific the injuries to my shoulder were more severe and have more devastating effect.

why does this matter?  how does it relate to 9-11 ?

falling down changed my self perspective   the pain and persistent losses attract my focus like flies to butter or dogs to a bone     the efforts to heal, rehabilitate and restore my upper left quadrant to its former or I would even settle for a new glory keep that focus squarely on the damage and pain meter that became the only mirror in which I gazed striving to see a me that did not have pain and loss or that memory of such an horrific event in my mind, in my day, in my life

I think many of us want the horror and the pain in our lives to be gone  like magic  to be eliminated like the Taliban from the face of our earth  

but its not going to happen  we can't erase events and if we did it would surely erase those who died while on their innocent road  those who were bringing beauty to their lives and the lives of those who they knew  erasing would erase them as well

but if you are or were anything like me after I was injured all I can think about is I don't want this pain I don't want to feel this way  I don't remember what I used to do only what I can't do now and my day is measured in pain and loss  and unbeknownst to me my upper left quadrant became my identity and the more I pushed and struggled against it the less of me as a happy person or a peaceful person existed

then the rehab people put me in the pool   and what a difference   all of the sudden what I could feel was that there was more of me that was happy, whole and healthy than the 1/4 of me that was not  and even in that 1/4 there were parts that were not all bad   it was a new day and I had happy back in my life  

then I went to the lymphologist and she worked on my left quadrant to move the stagnant lymph out of its entrenchment  and all of that toxicity hitting my system made me sick  and it brought all that pain right back  but this time because I had been in the pool and found happy in me real as all get out that pain persona had a hole in its argument that it owned me  that it defined me and that it was all that I should focus on

there is a difference when we are called to fight or to respond in kind to violence when we do not let that violence take hold of our identity,  there is a difference in us and created in our world when we, rather than fighting, call to mind that which is not violent  that which is not in pain and instead lift up hold and consider truly all the kindness and goodness and peace that also exists

I am typing here one hand quiet and peaceful  one hand in terrific pain, tight, reactive.  both are me  one the quiet one feels like love to me  the other feels like war  ready to leap off the cliff and take me with it to a bitter end

before the pool I forgot about how most of me is love  most of me is quiet and steady  I only thought about the war that I was raging against events that changed me  events that I cannot erase from my cellular memory   I thought I was doing the right thing going to war against me

but now I am not so sure

I think the pain will recede, I think the tissues mend, I think it will take time, perhaps the rest of my life to heal and to rebuild and I may never live another day without that footprint of horror in my body  but what I find is that I have two feet  two hands  two shoulders two rib cages and one is quiet both are me  as a whole being I find that the pain is not so overwhelming when I look at the sum total of who I am  and I find that just admitting the presence of love, of peace in myself makes the pain more bearable   it doesn't magically change me into a functional perfect being but it changes my self identification and it changes my sense of worth  it give me grace   it reminds me of the life that was before and the life that is still  a good life  it keeps me from warring with me and I have an idea that without that war I would and will eventually have more peace in my body than pain

love has to have a footprint in our life

we can choose to strengthen that which makes war  or strengthen that which makes peace   peace dose not come by killing that part of us that feels pain or has suffered loss we cannot conquer death  but we can live life can't we?

we cannot win a war ever  there is no erasing or eliminating pain or death with more pain and death and with cutting off our hateful parts from that which is greater  that which is peaceful

we are all of it and until we stop raging against ourselves we will never rest

find the love in you  find the peace   give it a foot print  lay down your arms against yourself

I have

mb