the miserable wretchedness of the dispossessed bullet we cast in our hearts

Good Morning Relatives

how is it that America came to be a place where the scariest people are the straight white christians who walk their dogs  

yesterday was definitely a day of balance   a day begun with an innocent exposing the underlying violence that lays hidden in the pocket of a senile man who carries a gun on the bus, in the hard and unrelenting heart of a woman who would not yield her own path to one that would care for more than her own agenda, ending with an unexpected gift of peace and grace that rolled up in the form of a bus from Ohio filled with children, young adults, and an elder who were traveling across America on their way to a gathering of hippies (it was kind of nice to discover they still exist) in Montana. those hippies were ragged and mismatched in clothes and crazy in their hair and yet they were the most beautiful human beings I had seen all day so different and yet so safe and loving and full of joy  they reminded me that we I they are not the wretched in this world

at the suggestion of a new acquaintance I watched the movie Le Mis  its a nice thing that dvds can be checked out at the library  as well as books  Libraries really are a good way to share resources and to support the edification? of the people in the community they serve    here in Pipestone there is also a little grant (local) that supports giving a free ride to and from the library on the transit bus once a week.  that is a big savings of four dollars a week which is tremendous

anyhow I watched this remake of a classic novel as a film
the title of the film means the wretched, the miserable, the dispossessed
I copied for you a note written by Upton Sinclair from another library, wikipedia

Upton Sinclair described the novel as "one of the half-dozen greatest novels of the world," and remarked that Hugo set forth the purpose of Les Misérables in the Preface:^[3]

So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation, which, in the face of civilization, artificially creates hells on earth, and complicates a destiny that is divine with human fatality; so long as the three problems of the age—the degradation of man by poverty, the ruin of women by starvation, and the dwarfing of childhood by physical and spiritual night—are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a yet more extended point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, books like this cannot be useless.

it is possible that the violence persists in this world  in our  world  due to the need for the wretched to change their state?  do they use violence because it for so long has been what was used against them?  Is violence the first choice for those who are become/becoming the dispossessed to try and hold on to their own status or identity of power?

why is it that our schools our churches  our public places where people seek education guidance and the direction of their souls have not produced do not produce people who are more capable of peace than fear and violence?  how is it that after centuries of work amongst the common person and their offspring these resources have not produced a community that can and is willing to converse without threat   to be compassionate rather than hard  to conjoin effort to an end that is balanced and thoughtful and cares for all parties rather than one that only rigidly serves the selfish need of the dispossessed?

what is social asphyxia?   how dangerous is social condemnation?  where is it that the thought that drives a mob or a regiment or an individual one against another is born?  where are those thoughts sustained?

if men have a poverty of the strength and might and force and physical and mental agility and presence that develops as they age  if this poverty insidious as the subtle loss of flexibility in the lens of the eye is not corrected with the lenses of compassion the clarity of experience the accumulation of knowledge the balance of grace and the understanding that even as he climbed the mountain of his youth he will certainly descend into the valley of death then does not that poverty creep into their souls at night become a terror and in the day a shade that haunts them as sure as their own shadow as around them they see the world once on which they were the top now overwhelming in its difference, in speed, in the movement in which they can no longer maintain.  are they not wretched in the poverty of their minds and convictions and rigid fears   fears that came when they found out that they were perhaps not the center of the universe or as in charge of everything as they thought  that their value was shaky and becoming more so as their hands and voices lost touch with the neurons that no longer respond to force.    do they use force as an equalizer   are they dirty harry?  or are they just human beings who forgot to continue to learn how to dance? did they only listen to the song of their own fears? are they afraid of the dance floor of life now that mobility has changed?  is violence an equalizer or is it just one more prison that bars them from living.

women who have starved themselves for affection for comfort for protection for the fleeting illusory nymph of love and beauty as they age do they become gluttonous for power for revenge for what ever remaining morsel of opportunity arises before them to have a voice, to show that they do not have to and will not yield any longer to the service of another are they not bottomless pits that can never be filled because they poured for so long nothing but loss of self into their own foundations? will they age with strength or with brittleness? have they thrown away the balance of power for so long that the only way they can exit with any sense of equanimity to their heritage is by in the end grasping what force and violent language body or vocal that is within reach and using it mercilessly against the innocent who trail behind them begging, crying for a cup of compassion from a well that dried up long long ago.

and the children   dwarfed ?  stunted in growth by the shadow of the past  by the accumulation of the death that is present because we live so long and we have never learned to keep our own disappointments our own selfish agendas out of the burden of the common space that used to filer the light of hope, of freedom, of imagination not driven by greed, or revenge, or fear, or power? have we not born them into a miserable garden long overgrown with the lifelessness that fear of diversity, that righteous right whether stringently held or boldly discarded tramples over and over the simple space that could have been afforded each seed with the gentle and persistent and self determined willingness to mind our own growth  to weed our own lives of the things that choke and overgrow humanity?

how will you see yourself today in the mirror?  what will be your goal?  what is it that you want from today?  

if one develops at walmart or at church or in the grocery store or while washing dishes or while folding clothes and sweeping  or while coming into contact with something not quite up to your preference  if in those places one develops and strengthens the thought of anger, of hardness, of judgement, or rigidity, of slander, of jealousy or hatred then are we not making and selling the bullets of violence with which we take each others lives in these places of peace?

if one lives those things  and strengthens them in oneself  and holds tight to the heart the force of violence rather than the creativity of what made everything all together here in this place in this planet engage in the simple joy of life born lived changed by lightning by fire by drought by bug or worm or the occasional fecal deposit of the waste of another organism   if one thinks the thought of me me me and mine and mine again  and mine before yours and mine above yours and my way or the highway are we not killing each other softly within our own day?

if one cannot see the simple grace in opening a door for me or standing still while I get ahold of my unexpectedly escaped dog without making it into a fight of wills, or a reward for an action, or a testament to anger or christianity  if one cannot  simply have the heart to stand still and help because it is needed  then in those places  in the home, in the church, in the grocery, in the park go ahead and carry guns, give away the bullets that destroy any opportunity of life,  go ahead shoot me in the back because in your heart, in your habit, in your garden I am already in my grave. in your world you have already murdered me

the miserable  the dispossessed, the wretched

I weed my garden so that even in poverty of money I have richness of life  I hold back from avenging death or violent choice even though in our world it is so shoved down our throats  I go to the library and read so that I learn other ideas  ideas that give choice that create flexibility and healing

 why why is that

because I know that it rains, I know that the lightning strikes, I know that worms poop out what they consume sometimes on my food, I know that there is more than me and I am not fragile, I am not weak, i am not vulnerable because I am life, I will grow and break and change and acquire and throw off disease, I will make mistakes and will right them not by payment but by being committed to learning truly to do differently,

my life is not today or any day going to be invested in violence or hardness or retribution or the coldness that you cling to in your heart,  i know that some times I fall down the stairs and yet in my heart I understand that I cannot fix me by harming you, nor will I respond to your judgment by degrading you, it will not make me feel valuable if you are less.   it will not comfort my own pain if I  strike out at you. I know this and it is that knowledge that I hold and stand within while the storm of your violence rages against and ultimately breaks upon that rock of ages

I drink from the overall life that pours out around us and would not keep that water from you,  even when the only cup that your dry dry well offers is one of violence    even if I died by your hand I would not be one of the miserable ones nor can you dispossess me of my love and care

I do not sing for you to change

I sing for me to live

and if in my singing you find that you want to talk  to converse to discover at any age or stage how to replace your guns of violence with care or thoughtfulness you have my full attention and the library and the bus and the water and the clouds and the air and the worms at your side always in peace always renewing

because any other voice is one of violence and there is no way on this earth that I would pick up a gun and threaten you with it and niether no matter how tempting will I pour my inability or fear into the mold that casts the bullets that are dispensed like candy to children from the hands, the minds, the voices, the hearts the ignorance of Le Miserables

peace
mb

now and then

good morning Relatives

I'm waiting on the grass to dry        the mowing is a must   and with all the rain we have its a bit dodgy to time the mowing between wet from above and wet from below    

the dogs are so happy   we go in the morning on a walkabout  the grasses are almost to my chest and they love love love running and sniffing and poking about in the mornings and evenings    its a delight to be part of their pack   we walk down to the bluffs that overlook the back of the Three Maidens and the little lake behind them    we were down there the other day and Goose jumped off the bluff to follow Marshall and Jingle and she hit the grass and rolled head over heels  she was so cute  and so funny  they have such a good time  
watching her fall and roll into the unexpected  and watching to make sure she was ok and seeing her disorientation for a bit then reorientation and rejoining of the group reminded me of us and how we learn

what a treat to have love and interest and companions  

I've been learning things     Im interested in what you have been learning also   hows it going?

the two apple trees that were put in  seem to be doing well  there are little tiny apples on one of them  growing  expanding every day     its really something to see fruit in process


so what did I learn   well  I learned from a friend  a movie and a book and from keeping on walking on and on down the road  

its very useful to think of life as a road  its more pleasant a reminder that you've actually been somewhere, come from somewhere and that there are places to go ahead of you   also that there are travelers on that road  in front behind and sometimes alongside for a bit    like Goose and her companions

so I learned a little bit about differences    whenever I have a conundrum  a puzzle a thought that needs fleshing out or trimming and shaping  one of the things that coincides with that for me is that I also saw all the negative space that surrounds it     by negative space i mean the harm that was being done usually by myself  sometimes others  in that negative space  by misshapen ideas, expectations, habits, undeveloped thought processes, poor communication skills etc....     so i would dive into whatever it was and work to get to the end the core the nidus the bottom of it and suss it out change it and recreate myself so that the negative space would be a shadow that served to reflect the positivity rather than be a shadow that was hiding the harm in the light  

it requires   required  and came from inside of me the impetus that the harm I was doing by not redoing and learning to do differently was more painful to me than any of the discomfort that came from working through what might be difficult or painful to see to own or to change  

its not comfortable to be in the now when the now is painful  I sought to change that pain not by laying it aside or covering it up or walking running in the opposite direction  not even by standing still in it  but by going through it    because once it was present for me it was fully present and no amount of fleeing would make it less so  

now is all I have  and it is inescapable   so if it was not healthy I wanted it to change  I wanted it to be different because what is also in the now is the connection we all have  all at once as one thing  so how can I be now and be not harmful to you if my now is not well?  how can I be in the now of you if what is between us is painful or harmful ?

there is some trickiness in this   there are rules about connection  rules about self and others  it is tricky isn't it relatives to learn how to be connected all the time and yet do no harm and also come to no harm   in my life I have heard people say things like don't take it personal and don't be hard on yourself and no ones perfect    but I rarely hear how to to be in the now and yet be active  be alive and yet do no harm and stay connected but be respectful of private space and boundaries    its been a puzzle let me tell you

life is a dance isn't it   and skills mean freedom   I learned that long ago  skills mean I can have the freedom that comes with better communication  less fear   less judgement more freedom

standing still was not my forte    I am a traveler  a doer   a body in motion   so standing still wasn't less harmful to me  it was deadly  like trying to not exist    so my impetus has been to move into better  to move beyond and away from worse    the learning the task the practicing the skill the attentiveness to change was fueled and is fueled by a mixture of love and fear    and an acceptance that i wasn't born knowing how to do many things   like tie my shoe  or drive a car  or write a book or comb my hair  or cook an egg
all those things and more i had to learn and to teach myself and practice  so it is not so far of a reach to also know or think that I didn't know very well how to be here  how to do what we do together well

one of the movies I watched  Looper  it was unfortunately violent  but what struck me was that while I hate violence and am not one to pick watching it on tv or in movies  and it is dreadful in the flesh    that violence and the greed and the pursuit of happiness that was the impetus for the violence was actually when I thought about it the same violence that I experience when I act from selfish greed or laziness in my skills or hardness in my heart or denial towards an effect on myself or others   that violence is the same when I don't take the time make the effort and do the work to find something that works just as well or better but doesn't harm  

like when a dog jumps up on me  do I yell? do I curse? do i hit them? do I kick them? do I stop having anything at all to do with them?  is that not more violence?   or do I learn better skills with my words of care, softness, direction, my body language teaching and resisting and deflecting rather than punishing? do I be attentive and create rewards of hugs and touch which is what they are after in the first place and guide and train both of us into a path of a different kind of interaction and skill?  which do i do?  they are learning  I am learning  which dog do I feed the violent one? or the one that creates calmness unity and joy peacefulness    if we are going to walk through the fields together and enjoy each others company and facilitate each others existence then do I want to put the effort into learning better skills so that we enjoy each other  be who we are I don't get jumped on or knocked down they get their hugs and we as a pack have the amazement of the fruit of our beingness together.  its up to me  and to them   they are willing to learn   am I?

so back to the movie  in the movie one character made the statement that most people avoid the now    they avoid the now because it is so painful

i thought about that avoiding of now   about how we try to fill now with things that are not painful  to replace what is with what could be (projection, fantasy, expectation) what was (memories) or something that consumes our senses and is a through and good distraction (chocolate, alcohol, food, pleasure, pain, rage, fighting, work)  anything but now

so I spent a day in now   making now small and present and still and watching what showed up in my now and rather than jumping up to decide about it and struggle with it or chewing on its fist I just watched it and let it come and go  and I finally realized that it was my own filter that colored now and made it up down good bad right wrong or what ever    that when i saw now and moved in it towards what I want that was when the resistance of my own filters about now changed how I felt about myself and my surroundings     if there is dirt on the floor it is just dirt on the floor  if i want a floor without dirt I have to sweep it up and move it somewhere else    I don't have to criticize the floor, the dirt or my own timing on when and how I sweep it up  any and all of that is just violence   if it takes only violence to motivate me then i am being controlled by pain and fear   rather than simple choice and cause and effect that in and of themselves do not have those emotions or judgements or any characteristics at all
I am simply coloring now with my own judgments and being violent towards myself   that sucks
if I am willing to be violent towards myself then i can guarantee you that I am willing to be violent towards you    

that really sucks


that idea of now and avoiding it not wanting to have it or be in it  hit me really deeply because just that morning I had talked to a friend who said that she could only look at things a small piece at a time   otherwise it was too overwhelming for her   only one small bit at a time  

I have known this friend for many many years and had the privilege to witness her work in her life with her life   she works at her life   she does not shirk her work   she is different than i am  and yet we have remained friends  even with the tension that difference sometimes creates we remain close and steady  yet it occurred to me when I heard the man in the movie say that about now  about now being too painful

it occurred to me that my friend and I come to now from different sides of the pain mirror   we have different abilities and skills and habits with which we handle the pain of our own now  i know from being her friend for so long that she doesn't shirk her work and she sees and feels her pain and made the choice years ago to not run from it  but i saw that she is different than me  her process is different  she can and does live with her process    she LIVES   and so do I    but i also saw that my own habits with now had been causing me still even after all this doing and searching to try and live in the space of others    to make their now and their process comfortable to me  for me  for my own self I have wanted their now to match mine     hmmm  thats not ok

then I understood something else   that her now is hers to have as she chooses   mine is mine  our difference does not have to be the same for us to be at peace with each other  and each others process or with our friendship   that was nice  it made now seem bigger and less threatening   and it made for me a peace between us  and  alot of other things

so once again i worked through my now  and once again I am writing it up to give away  but it feels different   I feel safer whether or not you do anything with this blog and its work or not   I feel my own value and am at peace with my now and my work and in a better place to enjoy you as yourself enjoying and having your own nowness as you wish

cool huh

rather than hurry and write it all up for the blog I have walked around in it for a few days  

so happy now ness relatives
love love love
mary

Rumor has it

Dearest Relatives

greetings on this day of June   I sit down to write and am exhausted but full of joy at this weeks work  again the student/teacher/friend came to Pipestone to help with the house and with both of our growth as circle beings  again we would like to share with you the abundance that flowed from hands and heart here at the Center of the East and West Gate  I also keep hearing Adele's song in my head rumor has it  rumor has it she's the one you're leaving me for  rumor has it he's the one Im leaving you for.  I am laughing because when i hear that I think of the old me   the me that has her braids tied to the ground and I remember that it is me that I leave for me   so if you hear the rumor that I am less than I was good for you  it means that I am become more of me for you

one of the questions given was what does the name of this house mean?
the East and West gates     so I will attempt to write part of the thought parameters that come from those words

the Center   is where we are  where we stand  we are the eternal fire of the center  we are always creating and destroying with our actions and our words
the center was here before my body was created and the everlasting part of that center that is the nuance known as me entered it like the breath that enters and exists every time that I have been made as a body spirit entity in this time and place that center was never left and it will continue beyond this clay suits longevity  inside of my clay suit is the center of what I AM  it is within and thus without that makes the whole me within the whole which is also you
it is what we do  we create and we destroy in the everpresence that we are  we are constantly creating and destroying   there is no moment that has existed before this time  
even if all time is held and lived no moment will be the same and it is this infiniteness in which we are present and have the choice to accept and hold )not grasp( our centeredness

we create trust and destroy fear   we destroy ignorance and create freedom  in the centers which are everywhere in every living being around us like sparks we all together create the center fire of the universe    where without all that is around us as direction does not exist

with no directions
there is no center

with no center there is no direction
without east west north south up down northwest forward or back there is no center without the center there is no east west north south up down northwest forward of back.
it is our awareness of the orientation that creates the dynamic ever-shifting but ever present between around all living things is it not that when you hold the center or hold a direction for a different center that you manifest the fabric of all things? is it not in accepting that orientation that you find your balance your moment your presence and its relativity to all that lives and breathes? is it not better to be a cell that is aware of its life within the body than a cell that perceives it self as different than or foreign to the whole?

so because of the center there is east west north south up down across and through and through  it is through those gates that here the pipestone carries the prayer the house holds the whole the abundance goes forth  it is between the past of the east and the future of the west that the center is held constant and yet always never grasping the entirety of the universal weave it is the center of the east and west gate where all that was comes to be released into the present and all that will be is ever present and yet not yet moved into

because it us standing and looking praying being moving thinking and engaging it is us that creates the directions and it is us that thus put ourselves at the center  

this center is not an ego center but simply an acceptance of our wholeness and our connection to the whole   under my hands is the center of the keyboard to it I am skyward but my knees are earthward to its keys 

sitting here at the desk to the tree out in the lawn I am northeast and horizontal to the center of its trunk   earthward also to its leaves but skyward to its roots   

it is to me a center and i am the direction that shifts around it   to it I am a moving center that gives it the ability to change its own direction even though it appears to be rooted in one place  

when we dance together always in each others presence we effect and affect each other
we give our lives a different richer and deeper meaning
we support each other in our individualness and in our circle presence

when we begin to see that we indeed have the presence in the present  we have indeed the presence of ourselves in our lives   we begin to feel the fabric of the universe  we begin to understand and stand in and enjoy the freedom of everpresence   many are taught as was i to see or create in between spaces  spaces between right and wrong  church and school  prayer and talking  this action and that    it was in this disconnect that I learned or thought and created in my life the option of denial about my own effect and affect in not only my own life but in those around me     it was in the disconnect of the thinking that between spaces exist that I allowed through the ignorant and at times intentional denial or back turned to myself and my actions where I would lose my way  and by losing my way I mean losing my sense of joy  my sense of value my sense of action reaction in my life   it was here that I shifted back and forth between care and disuse of my opportunity

in that way I created in my life and in therefore in all life pain, suffering, fear, loss.....  finding the way back to my way has taken time and effort   one of the reasons that I write this blog and one of the reasons that I visit with the teachers/students that come here is because when we voice our connection and reweave our worlds into the everpresent of the present in each other then it strengthens it over all    i hope that in writing it is given away as freely and thoughtfully as the earth and all the relatives live it constantly around us never ever laying it down

it is this constancy that when I allow it to flow through me that give me the peace of the joy and the connection that I was born with but did not find around me when I became flesh  it is that shift into this everpresence that I want to hold out for the world to have and to accept

we are not ever not in the circle  

we are not ever cut off from the affect and effect of our words hands and intentionality
we just think we are at times and thus like the little child who puts on a blindfold and then thinks that no one sees them naked in the grass  we believe that we do not stand in the center in the life that flows around and through us and thus sometimes we hide our actions because we do not want to have shame? or we do not want to let go of what appears to be easier the blindness of denial  and yet even like the blindfolded child we are not ever not in the presence of the the present

I encourage myself yourself to drop the blindfold  to stand in the presence of the present  and to be

 to accept if your way is mixed yet  to accept if your intention is not always one that in fact would be understood if examined, yet like the turtle in the road and man who ran over her is part of the giveaway of the whole story.

we are vulnerable   we are fragile   we are in pain  we are fearful that our lives will not come to the end or the present that we want unless we pick them up and shift them this way or that  
between us is the everburning everpresent fire of creation and destruction  between you and I is this center  into it across the sphere of the circle is the gift of my life to the whole of all life   into the fire I put what I have  not with perfection but with an open heart and a heart that chooses to be awake to and present in my presence  in your presence  to you I may be northeast or south or southwest or even in this time rather than the one that was or will be   it is all here now and
in all that nowness I AM  YOU ARE WE BECOME and have done and will do no matter what becomes of the atoms that make up the suits that we wear  it is in the center fire of this holding that I put my trust in the atoms that move within the clay of my day  in the center that is between the east and west gate

yet the whole of which we are is still as I look out the window and see that the earth is still steady  the grass still growing  the clouds shaping, moving, traveling and visiting, the birds still working  we are still in the net balance in a good way  we are still here and it is still good

so when i consider myself and my actions  rather than hide myself from the whole I relax into its arms accepting that it already holds me as I am  and perhaps today I can share my vulnerabilities with that whole and take comfort and trust in the knowledge that it hold me as preciously as I can choose to hold my own day and thus I know that I am also holding your day in that preciousness

it is this idea of center and direction that is a gentle way of life

often the shift into and out of the everpresence is like a great slamming  a great ah-ha moment whether up or down   there are those who are addicted to the slam   who consider the shift to be the indication that the everness exists and that we have entered it    do not be addicted to the feeling  do not look for the great up as what it may be a signal of is that you were in a great down    is it not better to stand in the flow of the joy of life and to have it carry away the negativity like debris down the river or dissonant notes as the orchestra tunes up and the practiced begin to play?  is it not more quickening to your lungs to have the oxygen flow in and out without your hands or efforts withholding then releasing its gift?  would you not rather be able to breath with full gentleness and awareness and the simplicity of life flow through your cells so that you can engage with what that oxygen brings to you?

last week we talked about having the moment of the moment and how when we learn to taste anew each swallow of coffee, or water, or food in its self  in its individualness  how when we see each other as fresh moments never before being born   when we strengthen this practice in ourselves then the need  the addiction to the ah-ha or the better than good or the worse than before is lessened and we become filled with the joy that the cells of my lungs have everytime my breath enters my body   everytime my heart pumps that oxygen on hemoglobin forward through my veins I am reborn again and again and again into the everpresent

so rumor has it that I am leaving who I was who began writing this blog this morning and I am here to confirm that by the time you read it the rumor will be true  i will not only have left her but again and again over and over I will leave to have what I AM  in all as I am still being washed clean by the river of life  still building skills that will help me not only climb the steps to jade mountain but also run down them

start a rumor today be the center be the east  be the west north or south your the best

love love love
mary