I know why Krishnamurti Died

Good morning Relatives  
Its the first morning of internet access after the GMa's gathering ended. Thank you for holding the fire while we were gathered.

I woke up with that Thought in my head, "I know Why Krishnamurti Died."

It came from the Dreamtime.  Clear and straight to my heart as a shot in the Dark.

It's always difficult to decide where to go after a ceremony.  After a gathering of like minded men or women or beings. its always difficult to know where to spend that first night.  I think Transition/Transformation is one of the most challenging tasks we have in this day and age.  It requires so much skill. When every ounce has already been spent getting to the gate. When do you open it, and which path do you take beyond?

 I used to look at all the options with a complete inability to figure out who I might offend the most if I did not go to their home, or dinner, or ????  Other times I was amiss trying to figure out what would be the most supportive for an exhausted Warrior of the Heart and her post ceremonial need to rest and reorient to a world that is overwhelmingly so disconnected from the Fire.  When I was Younger and perhaps not so deep LOL verbally, I would chat all the way home about all the Spirit Lessons, the Teachings, the Possibilities that I could see stretched out like magic through the universe of our lives. I would not stop even after I got home, talking bubbling exuding Light and Joy and dynamic change that was an apparent endless River that I was definitely standing in the middle of. LOL  I remember one night, after getting back from New Mexico and a visit with one of my Tewa Teachers, standing at the door of my girlfriends house after we had gotten her settled from our long trip and long drive home. I was still so Radiant.  She looked at me at the door and rather than mirroring what I was LOL and giving me a kiss good night she said to me, " Mary its time to get back to the Real World."

Another time, I was at a friends house where several of us had gathered( being young and ready to go out and Change the world). We spent the evening making and sharing food, discussing any and everything that we thought would make a difference in ours and thus our worlds life. We hammered away at each other as only the young will tolerate and still get up to laugh and go again tomorrow. Towards the close of the Evening, 3AM, I remember standing out in the yard under the Stars with my friend Jonathan. He said to me that how I saw the world was not sustainable, that I had to go back to being Real. ( I had heard that before.) He said that it was exhausting trying to Hold the Fire of Enlightenment in everyday words, everyday action, everyday thought.  He said that once he had looked in the Light, and Seen he had to cover it over, to let it go so that he could go on.  He said, " Don't you ever turn this off?"
I was astounded. I said to him Jonathan, Once you have Seen, or Looked into the Light, how can you ever look away? The pain the tired ness comes from Looking away, from putting it down and then occasionally remembering to pick it up or look again for it. It's like a pipe bundle that you have stuck somewhere in a closet, or a covered over alter that is dusty and may have underwear left on it because it was convenient at the time to drop them there. I told him I couldn't let it go, that for me it IS the Real World and all the rest was what we used to escape it. An escape I did not understand what so ever.

its been years LOL since I've had a girlfriend. LOL I think she is still swimming towards me through the cosmic crap as I am swimming towards her.  It's more likely that we are swimming in the same direction in parallel universes! ha!

Anyhow, where to go after ceremony.  Well I think the answer lies in another story.  It was when I was a little girl that my dad ran over my kitten, in the driveway, on the way to Church. We were all dressed up and clean and quiet in the car, off once a gain to the church. My dad was terrified of dyeing. He had become a christian when I was very young and had dedicated himself to it with a great fervor. When I was ten years old he would assign me a passage in the good book to read and study. He had a great library of translations of the Bible, Greek and Hebrew dictionaries, Commentaries and literature on what God meant in its pages. Or rather what the ones who collated the acceptable version and wrote the acceptable versions pages were trying to communicate or agendize all of us with. (it was a bit disturbing to my dad when i came up with that idea, but that was later, when he decided that our lessons were over). Anyhow, when I was 10, he would assign me a passage. I was to read then study the passage in any available resource. ( we did not have computers then) Decide on what I thought it meant. Formulate my understanding and defending arguments based on the "fact, fiction, and reasoning I could muster and I would stand at attention before him seated at his desk, (it was only fair as he was 6'5"and a former Marine Corp Captain), and we would debate.  I never saw in the verses what he did.  I was never not able to be unmovable in my thought or position. Clearly and Concisely and happily doing what I thought would please my Father. He on the other hand dismayed himself and I realized later, trained me for Now. We never ever were in agreement, and I never saw what he did in those verses or believed like he did. To Him they were the end of the road of Love and without it I was doomed as was he. It was an interesting time.

My Father thought that he would go to heaven or hell based not on his own actions, but on mine.  I was his Child. He believed that he had to train me so that when my actions were accounted for he would end up in the good place.  After years of consideration, I actually think he might be correct, but that is another debate for another late night dinner with friends.  So, there we were, that fateful sunday, in the car backing out to head off for Church or Crutch as I called it, and he ran over my kitty. I was sitting in the back seat behind the driver, my dad, crammed in with all five kids, and I heard her squeal as the sound of a soft definite crunch echoed through the car as it rolled over Something. We all froze.  I don't think there was a one of us that did not know what that combination of sounds meant. I was always dragging home animals to visit with and have as a companion for my day.  My dad was always disposing of them one way or another until finally when I was in Jr High we as a family researched  the perfect dog and went to get it.  LOL life is funny isn't it  we are all so funny how we think we can avoid our Destiny on the Road we take to Find it.

After the Silence that followed the crunch, We all got out of the car and went in the house. My dad came in much later and I asked him if we were going to Crutch and he said, "Not Today."  it was too overwhelming for him.  Too much.  The Crutch wasn't going to support him when he had killed my kitty. I don't think I ever remember my dad being so sad like that until my sister died.  It was a really tough day. We, he were all stuck in that dreadful place of being unable to Transition, to Transform our selves between the Real World and the Spirit World. i realized at that moment that there was a "between space".  A place where we all get lost  between the Spirit World, and what everyone calls the Real World.

I had trouble with that "between space" for much of my young adult life.  It took Years, to figure out that the between spaces were where I would loose my way.  That if I was in School, at a meeting, in Ceremony, at work or doing a Task I was fine. I did really well. choices were easy to make.  It was in Between those things that I didn't know what to do with me with. I suppose that's what people use TV for, or meditation, or sports, or drugs, or alcohol, or music, or committees, or shopping, or eating, or??? to fill up the Between spaces.  After I realized, that what I was doing or saying or?? in the between spaces was not only affecting my life, often it was determining wether or not I was having a successful or what I refer to as a "keepable" life. So I made the decision to fill that Between space with the pipe, with the Spirit world and my relationship of The Heart and the Spirit world.  To do what my Friend Jonathan and my ex were afraid of.  Get rid of the Between spaces.

It has taken every day since then and much much falling down and finding my way through the light, into the dark and back out again to the light, to try retrain myself about my life. There have been many many extraordinary experiences along the way including this past week/ends GMa gathering. There have been many painful losses as well as extraordinary non-coincidences. But I am finally simply happy.  I'm not perfect and have had no intention of becoming or finding perfection. I am well aware that I have tons to learn. But this morning I learned how to choose where to go after ceremony and I learned why Krishnamurti died.

One of the Most important things that elimenates the between spaces is Holding the Fire.  Maintianing the fire Focus in my heart in my breath in my very cellular intent.  It is not as hard as it seems.  Mostly it is about not letting anything else divert me. or move me.  It is remaining the uncarved block. the immovable stance. the stone that allows the wind to pass through with no resistance.  It is standing on the cusp of the waterfall in the midst of the stream and ever Being in the exact Now moment that the water meets its tipping place over the edge.  It is the place of unwavering commitment.  It is Being Love    Period

That is the place I found and in finding it I found that because I have given my life to the Spirits, they will take me to the place that I am needed the most.  That that place, is ever present, wherever I AM.  So now I don't have to worry about where to go after the fact.  I just have to show Up where ever I AM.

When I was at the GMa's the last few days I finally realized that when I was Holding the Fire in front of me, I could accept that there had been Firekeepers behind me (now Spirit fires). There were Other fires other Intentional Keepers who had and still were Holding the Fire.  If I connected my heart to their Fire from behind and below and above and around me then not only could I suspend myself in that Intentional Fire, but that they would Hold me as I Held the Fire before me.  and We together would have one Heart One Fire.  Very cool
the intentional circle.  I found it.  Ha!  Awesome!!!!!  Sweeeeeet
that is an excellent elimination of betweenness. that will help with Transition.

it is the Transition the Transmutation of Now or how we were before that will change something.  That will actually make a difference.  having an ah-ha moment will only light up your brain for a bit. A great teaching dream or lesson will sometimes traumatize us so that we can't Wait for it to end or dissolve into forgetfulness while we lay aside our commitment to Change on the floor with our underwear. CPE says that if we focus on the phenomenal experience more than we actually actualize with it, then we have missed the gift.  I agree.

I had a super strong dream last night that woke me right up early this morning.  It was a dreamtime place where I was with "family" I love and we were talking.  As we were talking in the dreamtime, this Major Spirit Being walked in with two of the Ancient Dogs or Canids by its side.  the Dog Beings were huge and a bit scary because they were so obviously powerful and Not at all modern dogs or "tame" dogs.  The Dogs were walking by and then stood near me.  I reached out to them and visited with them and held out my hand.  One of the Dogs took its time and gazed in my eyes then came over to me and touched my hand.  It was amazing, I was filled with joy and deep old thought. As the Dog Being was touching my hand one of the "family" yelled at the dogs. It was a sound of fear and intended to scare or send them away  like a warning.  The Dogs and the Spirit Being immediately left.  I don't think it was because they were scared but because they will only come when and where they are welcome. Where the heart Accepts Them as they Are.
I was so pissed and shocked!  I said,"Why did you do that!!! That dog didn't mean any harm!" He had no excuse just did it because he was naweze (jealous). It was like a school yard bully five years old ruining it for everyone.  He really truly didn't care. and as the Dream went on it became apparent that he never would.

 It was then that something broke in my heart. Like I had been shot.  I woke up and said right out loud, I know why Krishnamurti died. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to even attempt to live one minute longer. The Loss of that connection with the Ancient Dogs and the ignorance and fear that created that break was unbearable to face even one more minute. Krishnamurti died because He got overwhelmed with others endlessly listening but not transitioning.  Not transmuting their lives into what he could see when he looked around him. He could see the Dogs, He could see all of it.  He was a great speaker, He dedicated his Life at a very early age to the "Path of the Masters" and he lived his life along and as that path.  He wrote, lectured, talked, pleaded with the masses to change to see to let go of the illusion that was and is used to escape the Light.  I think he just simply got tired of the overwhelming lack of fire around him.  I'm not sure if he had firekeepers behind him.  Im not sure if he knew how to talk openly about How to Transform a conversation. I'm not sure if he had grandmothers that weren't predators. But I knew this morning, that he was just really really tired of once again facing a day where he once again had to try and convince others to give up the between spaces.  I think he just let go.

I wanted to let go this am after that dream. I didn't want to be in the family house without the Spirit Dogs or the Being.  I didn't want my Relatives to be jealous and petty. I didn't want to be alone today.  So I went outside, I accepted that the Spirits were trying to prepare me for the day, that the fire before and behind me was Still burning, that I was in the right place at the right time, that I had more than most anyone, and that the goal was to sit until I could figure out how to transform the next bit, the next between space in a clear and gentle way. To stand and Hold the fire and find the words that come from love  from that incredible place that was present for a second when that Dog touched my hand.  That place  and from that place give away all that I have and can.  I just took really good care until the vibrations of that really strong message finally opened the door to the next chapter of transition. then it was ok.  the Dogs knew me, I knew them we were not separated I just had more work to do and that was what the day had been born for.  Like I said I have more than most i think  certainly less than many and in the Center of the East and West Gate I have everything.   Tonight I dedicate this blog and this prayer and this Dream to the Children of Lame Deer and the Cheyenne Nation.  May you sleep well in the blanket of the Star Nation surrounded in your heart with the fire of Love from all of Us and your Ancestors and Our Ancestors.  May that Fire with the Cedar cleanse and protect you in your night clear through the day.  With all our Love

that's what I know today Relatives.
Sweet dreams
mb