Good evening Relatives
How are you? We are so far apart like a cosmic event whose impetus we are barely able to discern is blowing us out to sea so far from each other so far from what we once were so strong and yet so subtle that the change in our heading is often not recognized until the shore upon which we land becomes the ocean that separates us one from the other
I watched two movies today the first was a spoof on spy/bond movies called the kingsmen starring colin firth I like him it was ok actually funny and original almost elegant in an odd way that lured me in maybe because I am part Scottish and there was a lot of plaid and great accents anyhow in the film a black man causes/directs/purposefully coordinates the murder of fifty or more white people in a church in Kentucky I understand intellectually that it is a film a spoof not real but it immediately and irrevocably brought to my mind the memory of the very real event of a white man murdering multiple black people in a church in south carolina / charleston and once I was deposited on that shore wondering about the exact mirror of murder between "reality" and "the movies" I got stuck
I got stuck because I couldn't figure out which came first the movie or the murder? I didn't like it and because of the deaths in charleston I couldn't go back to being "lost" in the movie. maybe that is a good thing, maybe it means that film has outgrown its ability to give us a place to go where we can escape who we are and who we live with and are surrounded by maybe that is a good thing because it removes one more buffer
but it also made me feel like I live on a different continent than perhaps lots of other people do and that made me wonder how should I feel about that? and I haven't decided yet to settle on one feeling more than another.
I feel as if I am standing on that shore watching people die over and over and cannot escape the loss of humanity that translates in to action into psychotic disregard for life into the over and over and over and over insatiable impulse towards violence violence that leaves an impact a scar that cannot be moderated and I wondered if that man in south carolina who killed those people in that church had watched the same movie
a horrific scene both in Charleston and in the movie, senseless in so many ways and on so many levels and so unexpected and yet part of me was not surprised but sad and it felt to me like my world, my shore drifted a little further away from the shore that everyone else lives on and even though it was a little sad and silent i was ok with the idea that I don't live on that shore and I wondered at where or what shore did the librarian who recommended that movie to me today was standing on when she talked about the hilarity of the film and how funny it was as if the link to the dead in the church never happened
I see myself standing on a different shore perhaps in the same world perhaps not I am not sure and I am no longer sure that it matters really not because I am deluding myself into thinking a blind eye will make the dead not visible but because I know that in my place, in me, in my world I see something that I choose to reject and attentively down to the minutia of activation out of my life and world and that something is violence violence gets no oxygen in my life on my planet
when I fell in 2012 my brain got disconnected there were other physical and mental injuries I had to address and have been and have been working towards recovering the use of my physical self but my brain my memory my ability to retrieve, assess, collate, finesse and weave into reality the vast array of what it is that was available in the world around me in my world in my life got disrupted severely it got crushed so badly so disconnected that I was afraid that I would never know myself again
that I would never be able to recognize me or avail myself of the me that I knew like an old friend the oldest friend in my life I knew right away i would never be able to be a doctor practicing again because the blanks in my cognition were so vast and so complete to me that I knew at least that I could remember that I could not remember what it was and would be necessary to take care of a patient and I still remember that the first part of my oath was to first do no harm
its not disappointing to not be a doctor practicing again, I was a good doctor, I remember that, it already happened, I'm not addicted to what I was what is disappointing is that I have yet to find someone who understands that its not important to me to be a doctor any more, I am proud of me for being able to be enough of a doctor to say no to practicing, and to have the courage to walk away from what was into a life I have no idea about, and that I recognize that the most important thing is, that I be important to me, that I value me really, truly, perfectly. the most Important thing is not that what they project on me is mourned or strived for its disappointing that they don't seem to hear me or value me now and the shores on which we stand again drift further apart
but I am arriving at a functional brain again I am healing and it is a relief to me I have lost somethings that I will never recover and I will not begrudge me this even as I find the limits sometimes through exhaustion sometimes through physical reaction ( I am getting ready to move and when one of my friends told me she would even though she hated the thought of it, would bring her horse trailer out to pipestone and help me move and she wanted to know how much stuff I had to move I found that inside of me there no longer existed that person who could have that conversation with a friend, and i got scared, and I got hot and I said to her that I didn't have the ability any longer to discuss that with her or anyone else and that the thought of that discussion, trying to defend what I had or coordinate with someone about why was I moving this or that and why was I making my choices and timing I no longer could do that and inside of me I got scared and got angry because it felt like a wall that I could never possibly climb or even imagine a door in let along figure out how to open and go through it, so i preferred to move by myself with no help because I didn't want to feel that sense of fear and inability so irrevocably in myself so I just told her and that was that and in a little bit the fear went away and I didn't have to be the person who overcame her lack of skill because I quite frankly just never would again be able to do it so it was ok to simply say I can't go there any longer and find a different place to go find a place that I could go and go there instead) and today when i was bringing things down the stairs carefully and slowly after about three things, three times down the stairs I found that I was hyperventilating and scared and dizzy so I stopped and I said to me good job and good for you that you stopped tomorrow you can try again
so what I wonder is do you think I have to or will have to have a whole new set of friends that don't know me since the me I am today doesn't really too much resemble the me I was yesterday? and do you think that whole new set of friends will be because I can't relate any longer or because my old friends were so invested in who I was that they can't reconcile even if I can that I am no longer on that shore of familiarity
is that what love is ? having the impetus to love yourself to recognize that I am so amazing and so able even when I no longer am very much at all what I was or who I was? do you think there will be people in my life who care for my essence and understand that the expression of me as myself is still a universe that is unfolding and do you think they will celebrate me or abandon ship cut the ties between the interests, the hearts that watch across the void that allows me to unfold without fear without design and allows me to see them as they are and enjoy that they are so not me ?
the second film I watched was Still Alice I had read the book I was a little afraid of the movie but it worked out I took a chance on Julianne Moore and she delivered its a good movie no one wants to face the reality that their reality is so vastly different from everyone else or that there is no way that they can reverse the propulsion that is carrying them away from what was into what is and what will be
it's ok perhaps I could have more I am not sure really but what Ic an tell all you other space and time travelers is that I have me and I know me and I am peacefully pleased to know me still, after all these years
sleep tight
mb
Monday, June 22, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Walking on Water
Good Morning Relatives
well its been a while since I blogged Ive been doing other things and sort of like working the garden in the spring like a maniac and forgetting to do the laundry means that things that need to be sorted pile up I figure its a nice rainy day to sit down and finish sorting out some of the details and story that has begun a new chapter here in Pipestone.
Did you know that there is a secret society of women in Iowa? I didn't know it till this last weekend. There they were, these women who gather and open their lives to change, while weaving a basket of support for each other and for themselves. Then they fill that basket up with questions, answers, potluck food, the giveaway of what has been and what can be, and then they take apart what is ready to be undone and reconstruct themselves with the intention of going at their lives with courage wisdom and the effect/effort of being authentic. I witnessed in them the desire and application of effort to make their lives valuable to themselves as individuals with no worries about the social or manipulated concession of outside opinion or judgement for or against what or who they are becoming. This type of statement might be translated by the pattern of the overculture's propaganda to make us think of amazons dykes man-haters spinsters old hard wire unbending dangerous women who are to be avoided or discounted but these women were funny, strong, kind, heterosexual (not that that is a bonus mind you) mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters, relatives of lesbians, working and retired, friends who are common amongst their communities but uncommon in their lives. it was awesome to see and listen and to observe and get to participate in their common but uncommon lives. I felt like what I had come to think of as utopia was actually right there around me in that little cabin in the woods in Iowa. So those of you who think that the age of aquarius never arrived or that the aztec calendar promise of a new world hasn't yet manifested I beg to differ it has arrived and did so many years ago and is thriving in rural Iowa.
I was saved by this group of women last weekend. what is interesting is that the saving of me began long ago when we first got up as individuals and from different backgrounds, compass points, religiosities, food preferences and life stories started down the path of who are we and what and why should today I go this way, and arrived for a few moments together in the woods in Iowa and simply shared what for each of us was essential, different and naturally complimentary. They we continued on our way, confident in the understanding that our lives up until that time had been well earned and enjoyed and for having come together would continue to be so.
Each of them for the past several years have answered the call of their own essence and begun and lived the work and joy of answering that call. What call is that? It is the voice of the sound and beauty of the desire of themselves to become who they are. These women have expressed with their actions their steps their words the food they have shared the beingness they have gathered in themselves, amongst each other, as a diverse but collective essence, a universe bound by desire and intention, together each year in June for many years now. In-between Junes, when they could they have continued to intertwine their individuality with each other without apology or judgement. This year, they made a noise, sent out an intention, called upon the Universe in such a way that and with the history of their effort in the past holding a depth in that call, the universe responded and that response from their desire and effort through the essence of this great body we live in came a response that changed the minds and hearts of human beings in New Jersey which changed a circumstance that saved me here in Pipestone and thus I was able to travel to the place of their secret social seclusion and thank them, give back to them what they had given to me. How cool is that.
and people think that Life doesn't listen, that the one voice isn't heard, and that the impetus of the unseen action attitude and heart held intention isn't manifest in this time. well hmm that has not been my experience.
Awesome! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!
our lives have been held back by the mythology of distrust, by the blanket of fear, the gerbil wheel of endless chewing on unanswerable questions, the season and habit of self-doubt and unattainable perfection, the immobilizing acceptance of the premise that we have to be more than we are in order to connect, to exist, to have value, to show up, to matter, to whatever it is it is a lie that is so ingrained in us that we do not even recognize that we step out onto it rather than into our own beautiful selves every time our minds look towards our lives.
This is the fist that the "overculture" (as Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls it) uses to diffuse, deflect, or channel the energy of our effort. It is the drain that siphons our souls progress into either profitability for the very thing that we a trapped by or into the whirlwind of dissipated struggle that wears out our stamina and uses up our creativity, consuming the energetic essence of our lives until at the end, our lives are or have been lost to the great mechanism of doubt and self questioning that robs this time and place, our time and place, both collectively and individually of the beauty and the creativity that we, each of us, brought with us when like tiny seeds of joy and unimaginability we began unfolding into what never before was here and never again shall be. When we chew on the fist of the overculture; that unfolding is lost, withered, stunted, or twisted into a life shape that leaves us unfulfilled and a little bit confused when it is time to let it go.
but not all of us end up looking back thinking what happened and why was it that blah blah blah? some of us like that secret society of women in Iowa never look back and when the beginning approaches disguised as the end others fear we will simply take off our worn out outfits and transition to the next embodiment of our own divine selves.
so what has been going on?
well some of you have followed the story of the purchase of the home and land in pipestone and the placement of me here (you can look back in the blog if you need to refresh) and it has definitely been an adventure
last winter ( not this last one but the one that ended a year ago, spring of 2014) I had the overwhelming feeling that I was once again climbing an escalator rather than headed down a path this house in Pipestone was too big for me alone and the land and the finishing of everything was too much for an SSDI income and I was tired really really tired so I began to question, not that I was here but instead the grand ideas I had about what it was that I was supposed to do with and while here. I have no doubt that I was brought here and supposed to purchase this house and land but the grand ideas I had were not perhaps what it was bought for
you know how they say that until you let go of what you are grasping you cannot be given what belongs in your hand? well I began to let go and once I did things started moving.
the USgov which "owns" and manages the pipestone national monument has begun a "study" and inquire into whether or not the pipestone that is dug here should be made into items and sold at the monument by the indegenous who do so. Even though the stone has been dug, carved, traded and sold since the beginning of this earth and made into pipes which were and are intended to go one to each heart that beats in a human being, there are tribes who in their PTSD mindset following the events of the 18 and early 1900's and on and on believe that the pipe, and the stone, and any object made from that stone that comes from the sacred ground here in pipestone is only intended for and should only belong to and should never be sold to anyone who is not FBI FBI meaning full blood indian and of their tribe only. so this effort of this tribe, backed by big gambling money etc.... has leaned on the USgov for a long time now and like the water dripping on the stone is not ineffectual in bringing about the change they seek. That of taking over the monument and preventing any pipes or stone made items from being sold or otherwise distributed to anyone without the explicit permission and approval of said tribe.
well as you can imagine that is not good for the rest of us human beings is it? and definitely not what the pipe or the stone was made or intended for. Sooooooooooooo, what I realized is that this property that I bought and its house are the last remaining privately held non-conflict land that is part of the old quarries the original quarries for pipestone and what needed to happen was that this land needed to be transferred to someone(s) who would keep it for the pipe makers and human beings who seek that connection and the stone that holds the representation of their own heart, their own sincu, in prayer.
so I had a dream, in that dream my sister Racho said time to give up the house, time to go home, time to get rid of the past, burn all the photos and go on down the road. So I began to look for a new home for me and to try and seek what and who to turn this land over to. So I knew/ understood that for me the river in wisconsin was a good place so why not look for a home that was small and already finished and private and perfect for me, for just me and my family of other legged beings that care for me and I for them.
so I found, last september on the st croix river a little cabin in the woods, on the river, and in the midst of 15 acres, on a private road, with neighbors who are weekenders but of the same age range and education/economic thought pattern as myself, that is 640 sq feet. Perfect for me
so I went to see it and it was perfect I wept while I was there because the peacefulness that came from that land overwhelmed me. I asked if the owner/seller would do a contract for deed and they would not. I was willing to pay the asking price no questions, no inspections, no repairs etc if they would. but once again I was getting ahead of what the universe what the spirits had in mind and my thoughts were leaving out the bring it on of others its a hard lesson for my brain to learn that my life and others lives come together in a weave and jigsaw that begins long ago and far away and comes to a point of intersection where if we look, if we observe we can see that life has been loving us and we each other the whole time.
so because of the foreclosure FHA in my past I had to wait until March 10th to reapply for an FHA loan. So I laid on the ground there in Wi and put out tobacco and wept and I asked for that land for me for me I asked. and I wept.
then I went home and dreamed about the woman who was complicit in the death of my sister.
some of you may or may not know that when Rachel died she had 4 or 5 times in the 8 months prior to her death gotten drunk and called this woman Karen who was a "friend" of mine, and told her that she was drunk, she was sitting there with her gun, and she was suicidal and was afraid and needed help, she didn't want to die. that is what my sister said to this woman and Karens response was to go to Racho and or have Racho come over to her place and proceed to get her so drunk that she passed out. Karen never called me or took Racho to a therapist, or to a program, or the hospital or anything she just applied more alcohol and walked away. well the last night this happened, Rachel woke up after Karen left. you can imagine how I felt towards this woman when I found out this history
I wanted to kill her I wanted her to end I told her that some day when she had forgotten about me I would come for her for the life she took from me
that was in 2007
now here in 2014 I had forgotten about Karen, but you know what the universe hadn't forgotten and better than me the universe knew what that oath was doing to me and to Karen in our lives like a seed of death unfolding and destroying us. So, when I got home fro Wisconsin and from lying on the ground and weeping I had a dream. In that dreamtime I found myself ahead in time and place walking up to the hair salon that Karen owned and worked at, she is karmeticly destined to be a hair person how funny is that? anyhow she was surrounded by guardians that let me through to her and I walked up to her looked her in the eyes and said, " I miss my sister." then I said, "I am sorry" and then she said to me "I miss her also", and, "I am sorry." and all that hate and death evaporated.
how cool is that
so I woke up crying again and knew that the peace of that land had found in me what was killing me and keeping someone else from transitioning and it had healed me
how cool is that
when I got back to Pipestone I thought I knew how to find the answer for the land so I went to a pipemaker woman that I knew and respected and she was looking for a house to buy and I was looking to sell my place so we talked about her buying the land and in my head I saw the perfect scenario and I was pleased with my adjusted idea about land that did not belong to me
so I went to the conference in mankato the women and spirituality conference and gave a little presentation and while I was there I met a Tarot woman who I booked time with and she when I sat down said to me"let's talk about the land."
ha! that was a shock, and we did. and she said that the grandmothers who were with me said that the woman I thought might or should buy the land was/would be unable to keep her relatives from taking her over so they would most likely (they being the Spirits in charge of the greater picture) would find someone else to buy the land.
so what I saw from her and the connections at the conference was that women were listening to the universe women were in tune with the basket and a part of the weave that held all of us together, but we are coming from around our own curve and dancing past each other long past the moment again and again and holding the dance, the weave but not grasping the point, not forgetting, but not projecting. I remembered the women's basket dance that my old Tewa teacher taught me long long ago and I understood for the first time a little bit about the medicine of that dance.
so I headed towards March towards a new FHA loan and I fell again at Caseys ha and again learned more about what I was and was not supposed to be doing and how to see and how not to see money I thought I should or could buy the home mortgage free but it was not to be I had my SSDI and I had enough to make it work but it would require attentiveness, staying in the economic basket and developing discipline and interaction
I got a little credit card to wake up and restore my credit I paid off old crazy little debts and began to reinsert myself back into the financial patterns
then in March I called the realtor back and found out that no-one had made an offer on the property no-one had even looked at it. So, I called a woman who is a mortgage broker who I had known in Dallas since 2003, she had helped me get my home back then, and then I helped her save her dog back in 2009.
back in 2009, she brought me her dog for a broken tooth and the dog had a mass on a toe on one of his front feet. she asked me to take off the mass while he was under for the tooth and I did thinking that she would follow the followup no worries. Only a series of not keeping the e-collar on events happened, not following the instructions and guidelines happened, and the dog ended up with 6 or 8 surgeries and gangrene in its foot.
bad gangrene is bad. so we had a "come to Jesus" meeting her and her hubby and I and the dog at the clinic and I drew a line on one side was the pink juice(euthanasia) for the dog, on the other was exact and unwavering agreement and followthrough about post op instructions and e-collar. no messing around no more.
so she reached in side of her this woman that I knew and she found her rock and she committed to her dog and she never looked back and I did ceremony for her and her dog and the gangrene and the Spirits fixed that dogs foot and eliminated the infection and dead tissue with not even the loss of one toe for that silly old dog in about ten days.
it was a miracle
then they declared bankruptcy and never paid the over 18,000.00$ bill 8 surgeries and 30 or so bandage changes is a lot of money dudes. so there I was and there she was and there it was a debt I had to let go of
remember how when I bought this place it wasn't about the money? well the dog wasn't about the money either. and letting go of the place in Pipestone wasn't about the money (getting "mine" back) or having enough to get the land in Wi, and remember when I told the owner of the land in Wi that if he let me purchase it on Contract for deed that in 5 years the money would be forgotten but the deed would be life changing? its never about the money relatives remember that
so I called Wray my friend of the dog and asked for her help with the FHA loan for the place in Wi and you know she said to me, you saved my dog and I owe you mary and I told her I never saw it that way and yet she did and so now the debt is come due and she could help me in a way that was more valuable and would be more lasting than the money from 2009 would have been oh and by the way the dog is still doing great old but great so it wasn't about the money but the trade the doing was important and carried karmic weight even if back then I didn't see that things would be reinvested for me in a way that was more timely and more valuable than what I thought was best back in 2009 or what society would say was right or good back in 2009.
so Wray helped me with the loan she prepped everything, got me a banker and then she stood by me like she stood by her dog back in 2009
but, the process the loan, process almost killed me. I found a cash buyer for the land and the house, the couple who run the non profit known as The Keepers of the Sacred Tradition of Pipemaker's, people who believe in and stand for the access of all human beings to the pipe are the ones who bought the place, they own the depot next door, they and I reached an accord. Cash price, no inspection, no improvements no nothing for me to do here at the house, I can stay as long as it takes and no worries.
so i sold this place out from under myself limbo agggggh 50 days before the loan was approved I became homeless but not homeless I had to wait I had to hold and keep going forward one step at a time with no idea that anything or what would work out or how it would
aggggggh
and I was of course as all loan applicants are freaking out about money and closing costs and having enough etc and I didn't want to pay for the inspection of the house, well, septic etc... I thought I would save the $600.00 but ....Wray said not to, she said do the inspection. so I did and guess what
the well had not been capped properly and there was a little opening and a mouse crawled into that opening and committed hari-kari on the switch in the well. soooooooo when we went to do the inspection the well wasn't working, and because it wasn't working the owner/sellers had to repair it which turned out to be more extensive than just the switch and included having to submit a water test. And the water test showed that the well had naturally occurring arsenic in it that was too high of levels to be ok for human use which meant that not only did the owner/seller have to fix the well they had to have a system put in that purified the water all of which cost way way way more than the $600.00 inspection fee and that little mouse knew that its time was now to let itself go and it gave its last effort to wards that land and me and the help needed in a timely manner
how cool is that
and while all this is going on in the interim, some of the women I had met in mankato, who belong as it turns out to the secret society of women in Iowa, invited me to be their guest speaker at their june gathering and I accepted so as june approached and the loan officer kept telling me that the loan could fail any day and things seemed more and more frighteningly frightening for me because I was supposed to turn over the property in pipestone June 15th to the new owners I was panicking and my body was filling with toxins from fear that inspite of all the training qigong and swimming and self distraction i was doing I could not resolve into faith faith was there it just was unable to make me into buddha in the midst of the storm of impending deadlines and no loan
agggggggh
I was floating on a very small island inside of my own sea of fear and doubt and knew that there was no way I could be of any use to the women who had invited me to come and visit with them if I was that afraid there was no way it would happen and I saw the idea that I was a spiritual failure, that my life was over, that the end was near that blah blah blah was imminent and I knew that I could not do anything but say I did all I can and I can do no more and just like that time when I was holding the fire in Lame Deer and all I could do was focus on the fire and not engage or try to change or judge or effect or think about anyone or anything happening around me I didn't dive into the black fear and self judgement nor did I try and run around and conjure up a miracle I just stated the truth and stood where I was
so I put out tobacco and cried and said to the Spirits on Wednesday last week (due to leave Friday for the Iowan retreat) I said to the Spirits, there is no way I can be of use to or visit those women in Iowa when I am in this much fear.
and I left it at that, and walked away, I walked away from imagining, projecting, or deciding on an answer. I just left it. I think it is the only real buddhist be in the now time of my life, so far. if I drowned in fear so be it at least I would drown without taking those Iowan women down with me.
at five o'clock on that day Wednesday I got a call from the loan officer and he said your loan is approved.
That was it the loan is approved
dude
how cool is that
still papers to gather things to tidy up but it was a done deal
instantly I felt the sea of stress begin to drain away
that night I slept for real in the dreamtime journey I made that night every place I went I encountered myself in another time and place sleeping, resting
how cool is that
so I went to Iowa and met the secret society of women and thanked them for saving me
their desire, their request to the universe for me caused things for me to come to a positive resolution so that I could come to them and give back what the universe had filtered through me as a giveaway that day.
how cool is that
what a nice basket with a nice little mouse accent
so they saved me and now the land in pipestone is on its way to where the Spirits are taking it and I am on my way to Wisconsin and those secret women in Iowa are entering into the daily weaving that will change lives across our world even if they never know it
we all walk on water relatives we just don't look down and don't look back
love ya
mean it
mb
well its been a while since I blogged Ive been doing other things and sort of like working the garden in the spring like a maniac and forgetting to do the laundry means that things that need to be sorted pile up I figure its a nice rainy day to sit down and finish sorting out some of the details and story that has begun a new chapter here in Pipestone.
Did you know that there is a secret society of women in Iowa? I didn't know it till this last weekend. There they were, these women who gather and open their lives to change, while weaving a basket of support for each other and for themselves. Then they fill that basket up with questions, answers, potluck food, the giveaway of what has been and what can be, and then they take apart what is ready to be undone and reconstruct themselves with the intention of going at their lives with courage wisdom and the effect/effort of being authentic. I witnessed in them the desire and application of effort to make their lives valuable to themselves as individuals with no worries about the social or manipulated concession of outside opinion or judgement for or against what or who they are becoming. This type of statement might be translated by the pattern of the overculture's propaganda to make us think of amazons dykes man-haters spinsters old hard wire unbending dangerous women who are to be avoided or discounted but these women were funny, strong, kind, heterosexual (not that that is a bonus mind you) mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters, relatives of lesbians, working and retired, friends who are common amongst their communities but uncommon in their lives. it was awesome to see and listen and to observe and get to participate in their common but uncommon lives. I felt like what I had come to think of as utopia was actually right there around me in that little cabin in the woods in Iowa. So those of you who think that the age of aquarius never arrived or that the aztec calendar promise of a new world hasn't yet manifested I beg to differ it has arrived and did so many years ago and is thriving in rural Iowa.
I was saved by this group of women last weekend. what is interesting is that the saving of me began long ago when we first got up as individuals and from different backgrounds, compass points, religiosities, food preferences and life stories started down the path of who are we and what and why should today I go this way, and arrived for a few moments together in the woods in Iowa and simply shared what for each of us was essential, different and naturally complimentary. They we continued on our way, confident in the understanding that our lives up until that time had been well earned and enjoyed and for having come together would continue to be so.
Each of them for the past several years have answered the call of their own essence and begun and lived the work and joy of answering that call. What call is that? It is the voice of the sound and beauty of the desire of themselves to become who they are. These women have expressed with their actions their steps their words the food they have shared the beingness they have gathered in themselves, amongst each other, as a diverse but collective essence, a universe bound by desire and intention, together each year in June for many years now. In-between Junes, when they could they have continued to intertwine their individuality with each other without apology or judgement. This year, they made a noise, sent out an intention, called upon the Universe in such a way that and with the history of their effort in the past holding a depth in that call, the universe responded and that response from their desire and effort through the essence of this great body we live in came a response that changed the minds and hearts of human beings in New Jersey which changed a circumstance that saved me here in Pipestone and thus I was able to travel to the place of their secret social seclusion and thank them, give back to them what they had given to me. How cool is that.
and people think that Life doesn't listen, that the one voice isn't heard, and that the impetus of the unseen action attitude and heart held intention isn't manifest in this time. well hmm that has not been my experience.
Awesome! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!
our lives have been held back by the mythology of distrust, by the blanket of fear, the gerbil wheel of endless chewing on unanswerable questions, the season and habit of self-doubt and unattainable perfection, the immobilizing acceptance of the premise that we have to be more than we are in order to connect, to exist, to have value, to show up, to matter, to whatever it is it is a lie that is so ingrained in us that we do not even recognize that we step out onto it rather than into our own beautiful selves every time our minds look towards our lives.
This is the fist that the "overculture" (as Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls it) uses to diffuse, deflect, or channel the energy of our effort. It is the drain that siphons our souls progress into either profitability for the very thing that we a trapped by or into the whirlwind of dissipated struggle that wears out our stamina and uses up our creativity, consuming the energetic essence of our lives until at the end, our lives are or have been lost to the great mechanism of doubt and self questioning that robs this time and place, our time and place, both collectively and individually of the beauty and the creativity that we, each of us, brought with us when like tiny seeds of joy and unimaginability we began unfolding into what never before was here and never again shall be. When we chew on the fist of the overculture; that unfolding is lost, withered, stunted, or twisted into a life shape that leaves us unfulfilled and a little bit confused when it is time to let it go.
but not all of us end up looking back thinking what happened and why was it that blah blah blah? some of us like that secret society of women in Iowa never look back and when the beginning approaches disguised as the end others fear we will simply take off our worn out outfits and transition to the next embodiment of our own divine selves.
so what has been going on?
well some of you have followed the story of the purchase of the home and land in pipestone and the placement of me here (you can look back in the blog if you need to refresh) and it has definitely been an adventure
last winter ( not this last one but the one that ended a year ago, spring of 2014) I had the overwhelming feeling that I was once again climbing an escalator rather than headed down a path this house in Pipestone was too big for me alone and the land and the finishing of everything was too much for an SSDI income and I was tired really really tired so I began to question, not that I was here but instead the grand ideas I had about what it was that I was supposed to do with and while here. I have no doubt that I was brought here and supposed to purchase this house and land but the grand ideas I had were not perhaps what it was bought for
you know how they say that until you let go of what you are grasping you cannot be given what belongs in your hand? well I began to let go and once I did things started moving.
the USgov which "owns" and manages the pipestone national monument has begun a "study" and inquire into whether or not the pipestone that is dug here should be made into items and sold at the monument by the indegenous who do so. Even though the stone has been dug, carved, traded and sold since the beginning of this earth and made into pipes which were and are intended to go one to each heart that beats in a human being, there are tribes who in their PTSD mindset following the events of the 18 and early 1900's and on and on believe that the pipe, and the stone, and any object made from that stone that comes from the sacred ground here in pipestone is only intended for and should only belong to and should never be sold to anyone who is not FBI FBI meaning full blood indian and of their tribe only. so this effort of this tribe, backed by big gambling money etc.... has leaned on the USgov for a long time now and like the water dripping on the stone is not ineffectual in bringing about the change they seek. That of taking over the monument and preventing any pipes or stone made items from being sold or otherwise distributed to anyone without the explicit permission and approval of said tribe.
well as you can imagine that is not good for the rest of us human beings is it? and definitely not what the pipe or the stone was made or intended for. Sooooooooooooo, what I realized is that this property that I bought and its house are the last remaining privately held non-conflict land that is part of the old quarries the original quarries for pipestone and what needed to happen was that this land needed to be transferred to someone(s) who would keep it for the pipe makers and human beings who seek that connection and the stone that holds the representation of their own heart, their own sincu, in prayer.
so I had a dream, in that dream my sister Racho said time to give up the house, time to go home, time to get rid of the past, burn all the photos and go on down the road. So I began to look for a new home for me and to try and seek what and who to turn this land over to. So I knew/ understood that for me the river in wisconsin was a good place so why not look for a home that was small and already finished and private and perfect for me, for just me and my family of other legged beings that care for me and I for them.
so I found, last september on the st croix river a little cabin in the woods, on the river, and in the midst of 15 acres, on a private road, with neighbors who are weekenders but of the same age range and education/economic thought pattern as myself, that is 640 sq feet. Perfect for me
so I went to see it and it was perfect I wept while I was there because the peacefulness that came from that land overwhelmed me. I asked if the owner/seller would do a contract for deed and they would not. I was willing to pay the asking price no questions, no inspections, no repairs etc if they would. but once again I was getting ahead of what the universe what the spirits had in mind and my thoughts were leaving out the bring it on of others its a hard lesson for my brain to learn that my life and others lives come together in a weave and jigsaw that begins long ago and far away and comes to a point of intersection where if we look, if we observe we can see that life has been loving us and we each other the whole time.
so because of the foreclosure FHA in my past I had to wait until March 10th to reapply for an FHA loan. So I laid on the ground there in Wi and put out tobacco and wept and I asked for that land for me for me I asked. and I wept.
then I went home and dreamed about the woman who was complicit in the death of my sister.
some of you may or may not know that when Rachel died she had 4 or 5 times in the 8 months prior to her death gotten drunk and called this woman Karen who was a "friend" of mine, and told her that she was drunk, she was sitting there with her gun, and she was suicidal and was afraid and needed help, she didn't want to die. that is what my sister said to this woman and Karens response was to go to Racho and or have Racho come over to her place and proceed to get her so drunk that she passed out. Karen never called me or took Racho to a therapist, or to a program, or the hospital or anything she just applied more alcohol and walked away. well the last night this happened, Rachel woke up after Karen left. you can imagine how I felt towards this woman when I found out this history
I wanted to kill her I wanted her to end I told her that some day when she had forgotten about me I would come for her for the life she took from me
that was in 2007
now here in 2014 I had forgotten about Karen, but you know what the universe hadn't forgotten and better than me the universe knew what that oath was doing to me and to Karen in our lives like a seed of death unfolding and destroying us. So, when I got home fro Wisconsin and from lying on the ground and weeping I had a dream. In that dreamtime I found myself ahead in time and place walking up to the hair salon that Karen owned and worked at, she is karmeticly destined to be a hair person how funny is that? anyhow she was surrounded by guardians that let me through to her and I walked up to her looked her in the eyes and said, " I miss my sister." then I said, "I am sorry" and then she said to me "I miss her also", and, "I am sorry." and all that hate and death evaporated.
how cool is that
so I woke up crying again and knew that the peace of that land had found in me what was killing me and keeping someone else from transitioning and it had healed me
how cool is that
when I got back to Pipestone I thought I knew how to find the answer for the land so I went to a pipemaker woman that I knew and respected and she was looking for a house to buy and I was looking to sell my place so we talked about her buying the land and in my head I saw the perfect scenario and I was pleased with my adjusted idea about land that did not belong to me
so I went to the conference in mankato the women and spirituality conference and gave a little presentation and while I was there I met a Tarot woman who I booked time with and she when I sat down said to me"let's talk about the land."
ha! that was a shock, and we did. and she said that the grandmothers who were with me said that the woman I thought might or should buy the land was/would be unable to keep her relatives from taking her over so they would most likely (they being the Spirits in charge of the greater picture) would find someone else to buy the land.
so what I saw from her and the connections at the conference was that women were listening to the universe women were in tune with the basket and a part of the weave that held all of us together, but we are coming from around our own curve and dancing past each other long past the moment again and again and holding the dance, the weave but not grasping the point, not forgetting, but not projecting. I remembered the women's basket dance that my old Tewa teacher taught me long long ago and I understood for the first time a little bit about the medicine of that dance.
so I headed towards March towards a new FHA loan and I fell again at Caseys ha and again learned more about what I was and was not supposed to be doing and how to see and how not to see money I thought I should or could buy the home mortgage free but it was not to be I had my SSDI and I had enough to make it work but it would require attentiveness, staying in the economic basket and developing discipline and interaction
I got a little credit card to wake up and restore my credit I paid off old crazy little debts and began to reinsert myself back into the financial patterns
then in March I called the realtor back and found out that no-one had made an offer on the property no-one had even looked at it. So, I called a woman who is a mortgage broker who I had known in Dallas since 2003, she had helped me get my home back then, and then I helped her save her dog back in 2009.
back in 2009, she brought me her dog for a broken tooth and the dog had a mass on a toe on one of his front feet. she asked me to take off the mass while he was under for the tooth and I did thinking that she would follow the followup no worries. Only a series of not keeping the e-collar on events happened, not following the instructions and guidelines happened, and the dog ended up with 6 or 8 surgeries and gangrene in its foot.
bad gangrene is bad. so we had a "come to Jesus" meeting her and her hubby and I and the dog at the clinic and I drew a line on one side was the pink juice(euthanasia) for the dog, on the other was exact and unwavering agreement and followthrough about post op instructions and e-collar. no messing around no more.
so she reached in side of her this woman that I knew and she found her rock and she committed to her dog and she never looked back and I did ceremony for her and her dog and the gangrene and the Spirits fixed that dogs foot and eliminated the infection and dead tissue with not even the loss of one toe for that silly old dog in about ten days.
it was a miracle
then they declared bankruptcy and never paid the over 18,000.00$ bill 8 surgeries and 30 or so bandage changes is a lot of money dudes. so there I was and there she was and there it was a debt I had to let go of
remember how when I bought this place it wasn't about the money? well the dog wasn't about the money either. and letting go of the place in Pipestone wasn't about the money (getting "mine" back) or having enough to get the land in Wi, and remember when I told the owner of the land in Wi that if he let me purchase it on Contract for deed that in 5 years the money would be forgotten but the deed would be life changing? its never about the money relatives remember that
so I called Wray my friend of the dog and asked for her help with the FHA loan for the place in Wi and you know she said to me, you saved my dog and I owe you mary and I told her I never saw it that way and yet she did and so now the debt is come due and she could help me in a way that was more valuable and would be more lasting than the money from 2009 would have been oh and by the way the dog is still doing great old but great so it wasn't about the money but the trade the doing was important and carried karmic weight even if back then I didn't see that things would be reinvested for me in a way that was more timely and more valuable than what I thought was best back in 2009 or what society would say was right or good back in 2009.
so Wray helped me with the loan she prepped everything, got me a banker and then she stood by me like she stood by her dog back in 2009
but, the process the loan, process almost killed me. I found a cash buyer for the land and the house, the couple who run the non profit known as The Keepers of the Sacred Tradition of Pipemaker's, people who believe in and stand for the access of all human beings to the pipe are the ones who bought the place, they own the depot next door, they and I reached an accord. Cash price, no inspection, no improvements no nothing for me to do here at the house, I can stay as long as it takes and no worries.
so i sold this place out from under myself limbo agggggh 50 days before the loan was approved I became homeless but not homeless I had to wait I had to hold and keep going forward one step at a time with no idea that anything or what would work out or how it would
aggggggh
and I was of course as all loan applicants are freaking out about money and closing costs and having enough etc and I didn't want to pay for the inspection of the house, well, septic etc... I thought I would save the $600.00 but ....Wray said not to, she said do the inspection. so I did and guess what
the well had not been capped properly and there was a little opening and a mouse crawled into that opening and committed hari-kari on the switch in the well. soooooooo when we went to do the inspection the well wasn't working, and because it wasn't working the owner/sellers had to repair it which turned out to be more extensive than just the switch and included having to submit a water test. And the water test showed that the well had naturally occurring arsenic in it that was too high of levels to be ok for human use which meant that not only did the owner/seller have to fix the well they had to have a system put in that purified the water all of which cost way way way more than the $600.00 inspection fee and that little mouse knew that its time was now to let itself go and it gave its last effort to wards that land and me and the help needed in a timely manner
how cool is that
and while all this is going on in the interim, some of the women I had met in mankato, who belong as it turns out to the secret society of women in Iowa, invited me to be their guest speaker at their june gathering and I accepted so as june approached and the loan officer kept telling me that the loan could fail any day and things seemed more and more frighteningly frightening for me because I was supposed to turn over the property in pipestone June 15th to the new owners I was panicking and my body was filling with toxins from fear that inspite of all the training qigong and swimming and self distraction i was doing I could not resolve into faith faith was there it just was unable to make me into buddha in the midst of the storm of impending deadlines and no loan
agggggggh
I was floating on a very small island inside of my own sea of fear and doubt and knew that there was no way I could be of any use to the women who had invited me to come and visit with them if I was that afraid there was no way it would happen and I saw the idea that I was a spiritual failure, that my life was over, that the end was near that blah blah blah was imminent and I knew that I could not do anything but say I did all I can and I can do no more and just like that time when I was holding the fire in Lame Deer and all I could do was focus on the fire and not engage or try to change or judge or effect or think about anyone or anything happening around me I didn't dive into the black fear and self judgement nor did I try and run around and conjure up a miracle I just stated the truth and stood where I was
so I put out tobacco and cried and said to the Spirits on Wednesday last week (due to leave Friday for the Iowan retreat) I said to the Spirits, there is no way I can be of use to or visit those women in Iowa when I am in this much fear.
and I left it at that, and walked away, I walked away from imagining, projecting, or deciding on an answer. I just left it. I think it is the only real buddhist be in the now time of my life, so far. if I drowned in fear so be it at least I would drown without taking those Iowan women down with me.
at five o'clock on that day Wednesday I got a call from the loan officer and he said your loan is approved.
That was it the loan is approved
dude
how cool is that
still papers to gather things to tidy up but it was a done deal
instantly I felt the sea of stress begin to drain away
that night I slept for real in the dreamtime journey I made that night every place I went I encountered myself in another time and place sleeping, resting
how cool is that
so I went to Iowa and met the secret society of women and thanked them for saving me
their desire, their request to the universe for me caused things for me to come to a positive resolution so that I could come to them and give back what the universe had filtered through me as a giveaway that day.
how cool is that
what a nice basket with a nice little mouse accent
so they saved me and now the land in pipestone is on its way to where the Spirits are taking it and I am on my way to Wisconsin and those secret women in Iowa are entering into the daily weaving that will change lives across our world even if they never know it
we all walk on water relatives we just don't look down and don't look back
love ya
mean it
mb
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