Good morning relatives
its still winter here in Pipestone we are having alternate days of sun with high winds and snow flurries lots of time to write, read good books, and make cheese grits
It's been a great week here at the center of the east and west gate I am learning to take out my trash and also that "mamma didn't raise no trash" lol
some of you may not know that on my dads side of the family my dads dads relatives were buccaneers for the queen of england back in the day then they became KKKlaners till they ran away from the law to Indian territory where my granddad met my grandma and followed her family from the reservation to texas quite the adventure! too bad we don't have any of that treasure left but we still have as I have found out this week the ability to seek and hoard treasure genetics are wacky good at directing us! and obviously if pirates and kkkers can adapt and morph into yours truly then I can transform me can't I?
yesterday I was asked to email a thought or a poem or a saying or a meditation or a prayer that uplifted or i think what they meant was helpful to me they asked for one that I returned to and not to think too hard about it well its not hard for me to think its what I do
but I try and out grow what I think and other than the entire kung fu panda movie of course I thought it would be good to write what I have discovered most recently and share that so you see already I was thinking about it too hard or perhaps not hard enough to just pick something that was easy and redundant I don't like redundant thinking because it teaches me to disregard the new ness of me in the day
so here is what I sent
there are many things that encourage me the most recent is a thought that came to me when I woke up one morning and found that all the negativites that were possible in my life were lined up in my head and wanting to take control of my mouth my brain my face and my blood pressure!
I found myself starting to voice them,to indulge in them, as if that would make things better, NOT! and like an observer viewing myself becoming what I don't want I thought I've seen me do this before and I don't like it I gave up on thinking that I would ever live a life in which I would not have the crabbies so I thought if you struggle with something for a long time and don't get any where then rather than beating my head against the door again and again expecting different results, I thought lets try a different door (very kung fu panda!)
so, I accepted that I felt the way I did negative about my life on occasion
and I with no emotional engagement let my voice name out all the things that I was ready to smash my life over or tired of clearly and concisely said them (without the action or emotional engagement phase)
I sat with them for a minute and then I realized that because I could envision them so clearly I had obviously held on to them secretly inside myself as if saving for a rainy day
as if they were treasure
and I realized that the only way I could not have them run and ruin my day was for me to not invest in them and it is a bit sneaky of me to lure them out into the open and then chop their heads off but it was the best thing to do
I
wanted
not
to have
them run
me and
even if they were valid when I picked them up the truth was actually that they ambushed me in the dark when I was sleeping and when I woke up what I wanted was not what they had planned, ( I realize that I am talking about me as if I am us against them but it I am an eventual expression of my intention desires habits and repressions and expectations aren't I so the best way to not let those things run me to ruin is to also recognize that I am not them they are expressions and learned behaviors and impulses much more different than ME
and their realness their tangibleness was obviously up to me it is up to me whom I identify myself as
it is up to me what I invest in enough to act on
it is up to me how skillful I am
so back to the negativities that wanted to own me;
no one else in my life apparently collected these things, these thoughts. Whatever they were, no one else even noticed, and rather than turning that thought ( the thought of no one else noticing them ) into one about abandonment and the rabbit hole of despair and poor me i.e. a pity party which finally after all these years felt like castor oil in my mouth ( for those of you who have never tasted castor oil, trust me it is super nasty) I stopped and watched the rabbit hole dive down in front of me like a gaping wormhole waiting to transport me to a planet Janet that I did not want to inhabit. and that distance that distancing that separateness, helped me pause, I noticed that I had the ability to see them to define and collect them like lining up all my treasures but not live them living them was a choice, and when in the split second I realized that I had a choice in whether or not to live them I wondered also if I could do an about face and reconfigure the part of me that collected them.
just for a rabbit hole entrance second I noticed that I hesitated when it came to jumping into the treasure pile of yuck and out of that nanosecond came the pick that I applied to my brain like the lock that held my future i opened it .
I realized two simultaneous things don't you love when that happens that I had collected these thoughts and these were treasures that I didn't want and that I was valuable in my ability to see them as abhorrently aberrant from the me I choose and i was also wonderfully astute in collecting them. whoooo hoo! awesome captain hookness!
so I let them go or rather what I really did was take my life out of them watched them turn to dust and dissipate
and the day continued as itself without my mental or emotional savings account bashing me inside of it and funny thing it was a great day
then I made a transformation choice inside of me to honor the parts of me that notice my life is sometimes harder than I wish and I asked that part of me that is so good at collecting negativity then burying it like treasure, to continue to sweep it up but rather than hold it as buried treasure, or be mad at me for being able to spot it thank you relatives, or think my life is not valuable because it contains the good the bad and the ugly,
now I put out the treasure trash after I remove my life force from it with gratitude every night and i tell my also part of my past righteous christian koolaide drinking relatives that they can take a chill pill we are perfect in our imperfection as human beings and love is not what is manifested only if we have no worries love is what comforts our worries and holds us in joy like the treasure we are when our worries come along
so my quote is: trash doesn't grow self love, don't treasure it
love love love
Mary
