Don't Go Wasting Your Emoticons; Save All Your Love for Wee

Good Morning Relatives

there is an ABBA song from Mamma Mia running through my head

what an exciting year this has been   it is full of Wee moments that open and blossom like a sea of Lotus


yesterday I was finding my way through the idea of violence  and how it is that I am so very amazingly discovering who I AM by finding in me the ME that I don't want to be  and then remembering the me that is not her and being that me   its like imprinting   it is like weaving back and forth through a mirror  without looking back

In relationship  in communion and intimacy with another  I am finding that my first relationship  is with The Beloved   who at first was presented as someone outside of me  i.e. they were supposed to be my Beloved, and me their Beloved as someone outside of them

 but  I think that is not so   not at first    I think that at first I must find the Beloved in me   My Beloved   The One who will not be moved away from me by the reality of me no matter who that me is

and lets face it  not all of us want to live where it can be -30 with a strong North wind  and some of us no matter how good we get along with each other just have a path that takes us along a different route

but today we are in the same coffee shop  reflecting on this wee moment and sharing our journey thus far

so Back to the wee moment of realizing who in fact My Beloved is

I have never left me,  I have avoided me like the plague at times, and hated me, and despised me, and fooled me, and pretended like I didn't exist, or that I wasn't actually out with me when cooler folks showed up, and I have done all kinds of unimaginable and imaginable good and bad things to me, but I have never left me relatives.  that mirror of me looking at me is as close as it always was the moment I came into this reality...   My Beloved, is that not ME/THEE with Thy/Myself ?   Is not my first relationship with myself truly?

and when I have fear in relationship and act to avoid what ever that fear conjures up like a djinni out of the bottle of imaginary hurts and losses, am I not being, by my act of changing me to suit the djinni, violent with me?  And if I am willing to be violent with me relatives  then am I not willing to be violent with you?  So you see, in the wee moment, I must turn to me and see me, and make the choice not to be violent, but to be The Beloved, to see myself as The Beloved that I AM.

I am discovering relatives despite all the self help books that I have not read so far and a few that I have, that I have been violent with me about you.  why because I am discovering that I have been violent with me.   who would have thought .
  
 In the wee moments of freindship, of encounter with another human being; there is a difference in the conscious act of holding back that which is not said, that which is private but true and stays true and private;  and in the decision and action of holding back that which is true so that I can present that which is not true or that which is false, and thus, in doing so "try" for a more favorable outcome in the encounter for me.   that is me manipulating me and thinking less of you    that is self violence and probably a thousand other things that Froid or Young or Madame Cure you and me would be able to identify.

that means that in that moment I have chained me up somewhere inside of me and presented to you and the world around me a me that is not me,  and when I make me show up as not me out under the threat of whatever it is, when i agree to do that,  it is me being violent with me.  and if i am willing to be violent with me relatives, you can be sure that I am willing to be violent with you.  

 a simpler way to say that is to say that some things are private  and some things are timely and somethings are deceptions  and we /I always know the difference . don't we?  and when we step out thinking that we will not be transparent only until we feel safe we have already shown up as someone who is not ourselves and in her presence  we will never be safe because she is not based on trust, on love, on confidence, on acceptance, on steady feet filled with the strength of our own true Beloved self.

 Are we not first and foremost violent with ourselves long before we are to another who is outside of me/us?  yes I think we are    because I think that some of us are raging inside and rather than come face to face with whatever it is or was that we wanted that we did not get and let that go, we want to make the world around us pay for that loss and we are willing to do anything to make that happen even change, crush, destroy ourselves to get that bottomless cup filled.

that is one of the millions of scars, of wounds,  that lie behind that faux face we choose to put on. That scar never fades, that wound,never heals, as long as we continue to hold it dear and chain ourselves up to its memory and force the world around us to dance to its toon

Thus in looking at this we find one of the keys to inner peace,  to becoming, and deciding to consciously live, with The Beloved. We find the willingness to look into our own eyes and see what pains us without letting it rule us, without letting it hurt us, without letting it change our world into something that is inauthentic and begun on the premise of the self violent act of not accepting ourself as we are  and of being afraid to ask our world to accept us as we are, afraid enough to take our own life and diminish or eradicate it rather than risk exposing our fear for the djinni smoke that it is.

In relationship the fear of sharing  of communing of being transparent is it not rooted in something that I am myself afraid of losing or encountering if I am honest first with me and then outloud with you?

when we experience the threat of loss and try to deflect it by withholding or withdrawing, we are using the manipulation of our own authenticity to present a faux face of cooperation so that we may increase our chances of favorable participation in a relationship with someone or something, it is a primal act of violence towards ourselves.  we have threatened our own self with our own fear, or greed, or illusion whatever it may be.  and that threat no matter how subtle ends our transparency and our opportunity for success and freedom

a threat is a threat is a threat  and violence always begins with stepping into a supposition and then escalating it into reality

so when I am afraid of expressing me to me  or to anyone outside of me   at the root of that avoidance, is my own violence my own threat of loss my own threat of causing pain or experiencing pain as a result of........  at my own hand

and so I train myself or did to avoid what is true or transparent about me   thinking that if I avoid that threatened thing then I am avoiding / saving myself from something I have imagined and decided about you or the world around me

so the first step is to acknowledge that the only way that I would know that I am lying to you by not being me is that I already know that I know me already  and I can't bear the thought of sharing me with you.

I cannot escape my Beloved,  I can turn my back on her,  I can ignore her but I cannot eradicate her.
She is Me  
Because of her  I cannot but be transparent with me  My Beloved
I can pretend that I am NOT ME,
but the only way that I can avoid being me with you is if I already know who I am and I have decided to act on that fear of letting you know the real me    therefore: it is impossible to not be transparent with me.  so you see the hard part is over before we begin.

it is to see that I exist even when I don't want to and to also see that that part of me that is ineradicable is the part of me that loves me evermore  that part of me is my Beloved

the next step is to admit that the only way to be safe in the inner or outer world is to exist as my transparent authentic Beloved Self, as me in the presence of my Beloved ,I am never alone or unloved in any world,  and if those whom I am around are truly NOT safe for me then pretending anything other than that the smart thing to do is to get away from them is also me being violent with me   staying with violence out of fear of violence is self violence.

which means that if I am not brave enough to be my transparent self transparently with you, then either I am trying to manipulate you, or my environment (which tells you something about me), or I am operating on the assumption, the judgement, that you will judge me, or perhaps the already knowledge (which is different than judgement) that you are indeed dangerous to me [( which simply may mean that you prefer that I not show up as me) that is the second most dangerous relationship, the first being if I am that way to me].  It means that I am behaving in your and my relating as if you have an agenda towards me and that that agenda is what fuels our interaction and without that agenda being met or satisfied then the relating between us would end, change, cease and desist, or something

and that would be perceived as a loss, or pain full for me  

why

why a loss if the parties I am partying with require me / if I am to be part of their party/ to be something other than what I am ?   if that is so, then they do not want me there in the first place. If that is so, and what they want is what they want and they are seeing if I am ready willing and able to fit the bill, then what am I doing?

Lucky for me I was never a Bill  I was always a Mary

so when I look at you and see in me the need, the desire, the want, the impetus from me to harm me so that I can or might be in your good graces, or conversely out from under what I already know to be your evil eye, I am being violent with me   and in doing so I am giving you and the rest of the world permission to also be violent with me  because I have already begun any interaction with me at the core of me with the violent act of threatening myself that the world will be less; my world will be less, my world will be painful or awful or unbearable if I am in it.

How crazy is that ?   somewhere inside of me in the past and on less and less occasion in the present, I threaten me with pain, dismemberment, horrible difficulties; it's like a nightmare house of horrors that are self inflicted  if I don't behave according to what I think is outside of me   according to what my fears are deciding for me

[All the while my Beloved Self is jumping up and down singing, "Take a Chance on Me! Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Chance, Chance!"]

so what is worse    actually losing a relationship that is not interested in me/you to begin with?  I know I know  everyone wants to be wanted  me also and many of us have invested years, decades really in this faux connection [don't you think we have lived in the djinni bottle long enough?]  and at heart we are so used to letting our own fear chase us through and out of our own house  

but I assure you     I guarantee that if you stand for you   and don't sell yourself for less  if you find you and not be all inner child huggie and loveydovey  but rather say  Hey I know you   and I like you and you are me and hey after all this time you are still here.  Huh whats that? You promise to bear whatever pain comes through the illusion of consequence and dispel it with a wave of the wand of The Beloved  well  who could not go for that   and what as a consequence those who are also of the Beloved of Themselves will also be brave and transparent with me and we will actually have created and live in a world that is made of authenticity and trust

its a simple thing really  to find ourselves  we simply have to look  don't be afraid  there is no one there who doesn't already love you totally and know you totally in all your old style fit the Bill-ness there is no judgement and no dues to pay and no going back

just the gentle standing with you/me as wee are and saying ok  yeah I can see why you might think that but lets try our life without that  lets try our life as us  as something that is not fearful or bent on revenge or holding on to whatever or needing recompense or blah blah blah

lets just everytime we feel that threat of needing to be non transparent, call a spade a spade and dig into our own supposition and get to the root of it, not in a messy past life way, but simply,

   I am afraid I am going to lose our friendship if I show up as me  and in saying that simple thing I admit that I think less of you and I am sorry for that   and I was for a wee moment willing, thinking about, considering not showing up as the real me

so

think wee can do that relatives     I think so     no need to be whoo-hooey  or rash or bold  just take a wee moment and look that emoticon in the face  and see its heart and  Take a Chance
accept that you/I am a being that needs a Beloved    and then  ta-da  be The Beloved you always wanted

love ya
mean it
mb

Comfort and Joy

Good Morning Relatives

it's a weird thing isn't it  needing to actually discover and learn and then practice new skills if we are going to actually have, allow, and enjoy a world that is different than the one we have walked away from

but there is no other choice is there?   I suppose that there is the choice of not doing it    but then what would become of all that newborn creativity if we use it to simply recreate what killed us in the first place?

I had a crazy horrible dream about the bank failing   and by that I mean THE BANK  you know what we all believe in  well  in my dream it failed   kaput bankrupt  insolvent

so for me that meant panic    not sure about what it would do to you  but to me  panic  then mad really mad sort of in a horrible told you so way     awful feeling  horrible

and then completely unnerved     I was caught in a night mare   caught in the past by looking back, my feet no longer flowing in my present which was caught by my eyes and senses and the essence of me that I let turn back.   I felt like Lot's wife slowly turning to salt by looking back and admiring the horror of what was foretold actually blossoming and coming true right before my eyes and the backs of those who were fleeing and NOT looking back   I didn't want to be salt  to be consumed by tears  which is how I felt  that I was dissolving into tears  it was comforting in a horrid crazy death calling way comforting but not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be

what happens when we leave the present for the past ?   what happens when we use the past to define our present?   a past that we have put to death, that we have sent on its way to it's inevitable demise.  we who are used to being steady in now that we believed in to be true and viable.  what happens what happens when we try to be in the present when all we can FEEL is the pain of the past ?  how do we unfreeze ourselves ?

so  what do we use to save kung fu from what defeats kung fu?  

we use kung fu

I know that is a little bit mysterious and kungfuy  but its way more concise than what is to follow

being caught in the fear and pain and rawness and tears of the past/present I got out of bed

I wanted to be held to be comforted but something in me finally realized that one of the reason I have not been in the position of actually having comfort; hugs, thoughtful hands, chests to hug that are solid and warm and gentle, laughter that gently put you/me back on your/my feet, then teases that help you/me regain your/my steadiness  and then trust and love that allows you/me to go on and forward and leave behind what ever it was that was back there

the reason I had not been allowed or to have that was that I did not yet have the skills to make it something that was not the past  that was not diseased or insolvent.  Life knows that I am not interested in what destroys  and I am aware that the subtle start of a downhill path often looks so exactly like the stairs that lead up to heaven,  I should have known that opportunity when proffered me was opportunity to change the world, my world, because changing my world, my path, my skill, my actions and application of theory will change my world  and changing my world, changing me  will most directly and solidly change all of you    THAT is kung fu   that is NOW a NEW NOW
and up until then when I reached for comfort I didn't really know how to have it in a non dependent creepy biohazard biofeedback horrible way.   but what do we know when we look in a mirror  we know that the opposite of where we find ourselves exists   and because we know that it exists  i.e. the opposite of a lie is truth,  the opposite of not now is now  the opposite of me who is not educated, skilled, confident and joyful, is me that is   the me who can receive comfort and give it without myself or the other person being trapped in it or covered in sticky nasty crap meant I had to be different  I had to discover and become new skills, but I also had to be engaged with a person or persons who are different as well

no wonder its been a bit bollocksed till now   I wasn't at the root of the weed yet  hmm one more root rooted out

 that revelation did not scare me rather it helped me to see finally the light of the door that I didn't know I needed to open

so now

the whole thing is about learning to have NOW  to be now
its back to the exercise of inner peace   in kung fu panda 2   letting the past go even if I have just woken up from it s night mare

but not in a oh you didn't happen way    Nope that's not it  living on the river DeNile is not a good idea either

present in the present with the past as the past but not denied  learn new skills  

the only thing that would bring me back to NOW was NOW

the only way to have a now that is not the past is to leave the past out of it

the only thing that can save kung fu from what defeats kung fu is kung fu

so getting dressed,  letting the dogs out, the cat in, scooping the poop, making coffee, slicing bread for french toast, feeding the dogs, eye meds for stinky, pouring coffee,  make the fire   all at the same time breathing and feeling my Dantian rather than cutting off my gut and walling off what I came out of  (and trust me it was the scariest tunnel of love that Ive ever been in) whew

and now NOW I am I find I am ok   wow   interesting   cool
and exhausting   all this doing is so traumatizing  I suppose it is better than starting over isn't it?

I can do this  I can discover you in the moment without knowing all about your past  and you can discover me in the moment without knowing all about my past  

we may not have a big moment  or know at first go how to have all that it is  but I have an idea that will grow and change   as our skill develops   but first we have to decide to have that skill

first we have to believe

thanx for that

love
mary