thank you Neville Longbottom

Good Morning Relatives     

I've been thinking that some of you might be thinking or wondering what it is like to be  to live in the me that I wrote about in the last blog.

well its peaceful    LOL    I am peaceful at last    and I think because i am finally peaceful I am healing  which is really nice to feel and to enjoy and to wander around in like an old new house that is familiar to me while being ever refreshingly simply new and unstruck by my past   

I recently signed back up for Facebook so that I could visit with some friends who I wanted to  I decided that like going to the grocery store and buying what was good for me rather than boycotting purchasing food as a way to change the store I would reconnect    anyhow I follow Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes link on Facebook   I like her work her mind her way  and I figure if she faces I can too     she is also an editor / writer for The Moderate Voice,  and she wrote a response to the people who used Maya Angelo's funeral as an opportunity to voice their hatred for themselves  to see if anyone would grab on to their hatred and make it more real by doing so   

so since Dumbledore says it takes more courage to stand up to your friends than to your enemies I wrote her a response on her website   

I thought I would share it with you   

I know the font is tiny  but I can't fix that  and rather than worry about it I trust you can adjust your viewer   or you can visit her Facebook page  



 Dearest Dr E thank you for being out loud you. I came from a family that was (in my own words) kool-aid drinking fundamentalist hate crime committing straight white human beings. as the black sheep of that family I was the opposed mirror that they used to engorge the flames that drove them eventually to more than one attempt to kill me by my mother and sisters. my response that day was to see above all their pain and to hold on to the chair I was sitting in while they beat me in the face and broke my bones all I could think of was they are in pain and I will not raise any cell or even thought in me against them they stand in a world I do not see. I am not more or less than they only different it took me every day of my life to arrive in today a place in which there is no attachment in me not only to the opposing force I grew up in but also no attachment to its existence no attachment in me of the force the seed that was planted in me by them to hate me as me and I say that because in my own goading of me to work to become to persist in my life I was running ahead of a willingness in me to judge a willingness to judge that was subtle and was killing me as surely as if they were still there in my day crushing me as the snake they perceive under the heal of the righteousness they behold in their own eyes I let go of that judgement in me of me I used the subtle knife to cut that tie without cutting or destroying my love for them or me it is a funny thing to say that we love even hold out love to those who rail against us because if we in any part of who we are even our breath hold on to judgement of them we are judging ourselves and if so then we hate them and we hate ourselves even in that tiny place that only we know or can find beneath tears of hearts ripped and broken so thoroughly that we do not think going there that we will ever ever survive the pain that we have wrapped around our disappointed expectation that they will love us that we are lovable Maya Angelo was very much a great public edifice of all that is good and strong and worthwhile to those of us on this side of the mirror so how unthinkable it is that anyone would deface her Dr E I love you and yet not only is it thinkable to me that these people exist but I do not hold against them there is no response from me that can affect them in any other way except to elicit pain because what I see in them is pain beyond belief they are they get to be no matter what no matter what they get to be I am I am me without any resistance to them because I am intent on the love and gentleness and joy that I exist that I am that I am me and I made it all the way to here Maya's body is dead her physical effort spoken word hand work done for now and I am so glad they hold her as close to them as they do for they cannot define her nor can they change her into their hellishness I am glad they hold so beautiful and strong a mirror up to themselves she can take it of all who are here now she can take it and when I see those pictures that are on that sight I see the love in her looking at them and not judging them don't judge them dear dr e don't judge yourself I love you you are beautiful you are a good girl thank you for being you i understand how hard it has been i understand how painful it is to look out and see more of what was so painful as you were and still are making your way to the beautiful garden of yourself do not be concerned with the weeds or those who try the muddy the water the water knows who it is in its heart and everyday in all its transformations the water always holds close its clarity


thanks for being you   I will keep on being me    its nice after all this time to just enjoy me and not feel the drive to keep pushing or to keep on   or to not be failing somehow   when I watched the pictures of the buddha sitting I never realized that peacefulness is fluid  lol   

I wanted to let you know that in finally learning to be kind to me truly and to enjoy me without judgement I actually feel like taking care of me and my world  and its without judgement  its about trust  
I'm not quitting  and maybe I will write about that tomorrow  why that comes up  but today I think this is enough  

love 
mb