Horcruxes of the Heart

Good Morning Relatives

well that was an interesting night  

Do you think that people forgive each other?    Do you think that love perseveres?

I think that in the movie Alice in Wonderland it was pretty amazing that the caterpillar and Alice transformed at the same rate  that they got to say goodbye, good luck and who knows after that  and that with all the other crap going on around and to them they still heard each other

I was all set when I went to sleep last night to talk about getting back up on the horse without donning the night in shining armor in todays blog  

you know the keeping going thing  
it comes up because the old think that pushed me to keep going doesn't push me now so of course if the push was only about that way of thinking then all going would cease wouldn't it?  but its not about that

in the last blog I wrote that I had always thought the buddhas peacefulness was stationary  even though I had like others read the quote "inner peace, stillness to a monk is being peaceful/still in the middle of a hurricane" my mind in the stage it was in transformed that quote into meaning that I had to be stationary in a hurricane to be peaceful which in turn meant I had to exist in a hurricane and that I had to be unmoved by its trauma drama its force which either meant being impermeable or totally permeable but unaffected by it

I still thought peace was about being stationary and its not

peacefulness is quite fluid  it is quite permeable and impermeable, it is unattached but completely ingrained. A touchable untouchable that like water, fits, fills, and becomes any shape into which it is poured and is able to move through all stages or places without in any way losing its clarity its ability to return to its self   it is peaceful,  water,  constantly in motion, in transition but always simply   water

so if it was part of me my clarity to keep going then I would with out of course lugging all that heavy armor with me and constantly apologizing for it being broken  and not quite shiny for the moment

I read a quote yesterday by Yukioshi Takamura: "A true pacifist is able to kill or maim in the blink of an eye, but at the moment of impending destruction of the enemy she/he choses nonviolence."

yes that is me   but it wasn't me when I was younger or when I was in transition  we step on things don't we?  we crush innocent lives or pull up unrecognized flowers and discard them thinking they are weeds we trample ourselves and each other as we find our way to ourselves   when we are running from our deamons, the closer we are to our fear and the farther we are from our eventual skilled selves, the more carnage we create as we try and get to safety.    somewhere along the line, if we are who we are made to be (thank life), the ones who are the eventual pacifists of our generation,  then we unfold into the mature expression of the thought "first do no harm",  and we stop cutting the head off anything that moves or any shadow that threatens and we stop running, and we learn to let it go  to let the fear dissipate and we eventually put our swords away because we truly no longer need them

do you think that we have the courage then to go ahead and live a life that is without violence altogether?  was our impetus only to learn to lay down the sword  or was it to get to the life that is lived beyond the reaches of the fears that grounded us or at least would have liked to ground us? it does seem that death likes a good pile up or at least the Red Queen does.

 like the caterpillar in Alice and Wonderland  asking Alice if she is Alice   the caterpillar making the transition   Alice making the transition  I wonder how many heads got cut off before Alice let go of her subservience to fear  before she realized that the end wasn't when the jabberwocky was dead and the red queen disposed, that was just the beginning,  shedding the armor letting go of the sword and stepping into a life that culminates all that was done and won without taking the violence with her, that was her butterfly. that was who her young self took her to wonderland to find.

what is a butterfly anyway?  its a living breathing tattoo  its a pollinator for the future  it is itself at last

its harder than you think to imagine not flying even when one has never done it and ones whole life has been spent crawling along from branch to branch contemplating the navel of the leaf that is being consumed headed towards a destination that has never been revealed  and ultimately needing skills that are nothing like the ones you spent a majority of your life using. except perhaps eating that always comes in handy

some would think that after the outer shell is shed  the cocoon finally finished that the being inside who emerges might never decide to fly   never decide to take the next adventure  because taking wing isn't a flight of fancy  it is an unknown  a terror  a new vulnerability  or is it a freedom that was all along the seed that pushed that life through all of its serviceable, necessary, but in a looking back sort of way painfully ugly stages?

so how do we take flight once our white coats are left behind?

i think it is important to not jump ahead   the butterfly has to dry its wings  it has to toughen up a bit, like the winter hardening of a young trees heart, before it can take flight.

I think those of us who have just stepped, crawled, or fallen out of our cocoons need to remember that we have to toughen up a bit

Last night in the dreamtime someone came back to me from the past  from the beginning middle of my martial arts training of the heart past  from the innocent part  both of us innocent, in love, and immediately lost in the woods of dependency, fear, expectation, and immature inability to find our way out of a wet paper bag let alone the places we would need to go if we were going to be able to have a successful relationship with our selves or each other or anyone for that matter.  what a disaster of timing and inexperience that was.  and bad skill.  and a really really shitty time to be in a homophobic society and be two girls in love who had no clue how to be their strong selves and be together. it was a disaster.  but not a mistake
it wasn't a mistake
we were not wrong
our hearts were not untrue
we just were baby heads
but we were both really really tough strong totally sword wielding baby heads and we did not yet have a sensei we knew and trusted

so in the dream time we showed up again     and now today if I am to take flight I need to find her and speak to her  and lucky for me she has also grown up (because I did find her on the "net" and read that like me she found her way  her calling and her work )  and I want to see if its possible to find that place where we both can or at least I can because who am i to say that she has not already, take that old vulnerable part of me away from its shell   say I am sorry,  hear that she is sorry and finally dry that fragile knowing young heart and let it take wing, let it find its own life

thus restoring the little bit of soul that is caught in a horcrux from the past rather than destroying it

frightening isn't it? the thought of facing the fear that is released when something like a horcrux is created and then when it is released to have the ability to transform it rather than kill it  well that was what happened in the dreamtime  now I just have to see if it can be done in the light of day

I am afraid to talk to her  because I don't know if she is a pacifist?  or someone who will still see me as the Jabberwocky from long ago and want to cut off my head  dude how amazing to run into that in the dream time and so it is that I know that the only head I need to cut off still from long ago is that of my own fear, I need to transform my own fear  and like the buddha in the hurricane be peace

crazy how fear is   crazy how we can feel the pain of the past so present and crazy how after all these years I still can see her anger when I refused to simply become the husband that would take care of her, I remember the gun she pointed at my chest the day I left her to her fears  and although i knew it then, that I was not at fault for what was happening to us to her to me, I could not figure it out beyond leaving,  nor could I fix it,  nor could I let her or me give in and end each others lives just because the disintegrating illusion that we had both of us in our own way needed had to be discarded, it had to die if we were ever going to have a happy ending
never mind having it together,  we just both had to get out of there alive and I didn't stop to make sure she did, get out alive. I just cut, and ran that day when all her pain and all my pain and all our immaturity was rising up like a force that was inevitable

so I left  I walked up to her and took the gun away from her and I left  and I never looked back  and now in my dreamtime she is in front of me and my dreams are asking me to open that horcrux and heal it.  dude  what was I eating yesterday ?

so do you think that people forgive each other? do you think that love perseveres? that it matures?  do you think that in the end it cuts the head off of the expectation and the memory, rather than the head of the one who shows up after all this time and says hey? look at you  I always knew you were in there, me too, way to go, and yes I am sorry, truly sorry for the pain that old immature child heart felt as it was breaking, but I am not sorry that you lived, that I lived and that I love you so long ago or that you loved me.

so relatives best dry my wings  
best bring on the buddha

its going to be a hell of  a flight

love love love in motion peace
mb