I woke up today with a cheerful sense about me so I thought I had better sit down and write this blog before my cheerfulness carried me so far into the day that writing disappeared altogether
good morning how are you good that's excellent me as well although not so much that other thing
lol
how interesting that we are all trapped by the idea that we are a work in progress somehow in my small brain that is still trying to grow up grow into the human being that I am capable of, I have just in the past couple of weeks stumbled across the idea that I'm undone not undone like raveled, an old sweater or hat caught by a thread and pulled into nothing ness, but like a grain of wheat thinking it was ripe is ground into flour, and flour thinking it is finished once enriched is sifted and added to a batter, which when baked will become a cake, which when cooled and iced is a work of art or love, and when eaten becomes joy, pleasure, fat or fiber, and then branching into a memory as well as the bacterial food for the future seed of wheat. am I a work in progress ? or am I complete but still emerging, one form into another, transitioning not from imperfection or immaturity into accomplished or failed entity but a beautiful creature who wholly embodies each of her forms, moving from one complete thing that in dying, in releasing that which was good but is no longer useful, is reborn into something that is brand new
my old life died and I didn't want it to, then I thought I was either going to have to die or rot in the presence of my past, or attempt to overcome it by once again rising against the tide, but the answer was more simple than any of those rather depressing things
its hard for me to lead you where I have been relatives because my trail will not match yours but this morning it became important for me to share with you that what I have gone through is a complete decomposition of my life yet out of that compost the seed of me has erupted and it is simple and clear and free from many painful self judgments that would have held me back and choked me out and kept me from rising up to break through into a world that is so much less dark than the one I came from
ha!
I am hoping that you will see if you make it through this blog of today that like a seed that has pushed through the spring soil contains way too much DNA and Chi to present the pretty picture to the unpersevering eye, I have come at last into the idea of a world is cheerful to me which is saying something! and I hope that in seeing that it is cheerful for you as well share my cup !
remember the golden snitch Dumbledore gave Harry a reminder of perseverance and skill "I open at the close" well I found that I was undone because the seed casing of my old life just fell off, and like a new sprout I am bursting with freedom and potential! it has been a very long time, since if ever, that I have felt like I was just now beginning my life, how cool is that. to burst out of the past and begin again knowing that so much is ahead of me
very cheerful about it
so I decided to share a bit of it with you today
so the seed casing that popped off, the past the trap the perception that binds us and causes us to suffer unknowingly until we recognize the chains and shortly thereafter if we don't give in to the fear, the pressure, the entrapment that they imply, we will find a way to break them and they will fall away. trust the pressure that builds inside the seed casing that becomes unbearable in the dark just before the new life breaks out and into a world that did not exist in the tiny little seed casing lying inert in its tidy little package
oh and no matter how tempting it is to fight at the casing, or to poison yourself, die, or hurt or blame another for this pain, this pressure, this darkness don't do it don't give in to the pressure
live in it, seek life, trust what pushes you against your seed casing, just exist fully in its presence. remember that pressure works both ways what holds us cannot contain us if we continue towards our selves
but don't fight it!
so
back to my own undone ness
I found out that all this time I thought that my finished self was the only valuable self that being accomplished being complete enlightened saved graduated or what have you, was the only way that I could be here. and I am here in this world along with all of you, and none of us wants to be standing about like ghosts amongst each other do we? we don't want to be lifeless, or be trash, or be broken and discarded do we
no we, I do not
you know relatives we, I , I can't really say we because I don't know about you or others for sure but I figure I'm not the only one to discover myself in the dark of the light and its really important to be inclusive rather than exclusive don't you think? I do think we are all in this together
anyhow I - we we think something, we think Normal, until that thought that arises from our innate life driving premise pokes a hole in our Normal thought world and a different light shines in we think we are in the light until that different light shines in and reveals the shadows of our own self incarceration or is that incarnation
either way what I see is that
we hold ourselves back
we hold ourselves prisoner
we hold these truths to be self evident
I've done that !
I've moved through my life on a premise, several really, that as it turns out were premises that at first protected me and then as I developed became my jailers rather than protectors things that held me back rather than together
its is one thing for people to say don't be hard on yourself we don't have to be perfect etc etc etc
and I have heard those words in one form or another most of my adult life
yet all of my time in school in church as a doctor etc at work everyone wanted me to do my best how would a client feel if they knew I was a doctor who was only trying to be a passable veterinarian? hmmm how would it feel to be a partner who only was half assed? hmmm or a dog owner who was not willing to pick up the poop that comes from companionship? hmmmm nasty
not very good
but all this training all this effort all this focus on the right thing, the best effort, 110%, had a hidden effect on my and my own psyche
somewhere in my selfness I came to believe that if I was not accomplished, finite', done, graduated, totally altogether then I was faulty, I was not valuable, I was measured and found wanting, I was capable of doing more harm than good
I thought I did not have value if I was a work in progress and believe it or not what I discovered under that work in progress idea that I recently turned over …. again…. is that when i said I was a work in progress before today what I realize now that I was saying was that I wanted a hall pass. I wanted forgiveness for not being finished. for causing harm by existing by moving by bouncing off or your life and the lives of others because I wasn't yet done
you see the driving force behind the perfection quest and the holding pattern once achievement was accomplished was the underlying commitment to first do no harm and the experiential memory or data that I have done plenty of harm by not knowing or by exploring dark in the light. I have felt harm inflicted on me by others, intentional and non and don't like it. I didn't want to be hurt any more. I have seen what my harm ad or inadvertent has done to others and I didn't want to repeat it or cause any more
so I stood still when I thought I was accomplished and when that armor would crack as it does in the real world! I would hold up my work in progress badge and do my best to tiptoe as fast as I could through the mind-feild of experience and learning and theory discovered then applied until i could reach the shores of completeness once again and once again not be a danger to myself or my fellow life beings.
crazy isn't it?
how to find the balance between greed and generosity
between kindness and manipulation
between right and wrong, black and white
life and death
how do we stay out of the grey areas when our minds and hearts and our souls are capable of seeing all of the colors, all of the nuances, all of the choices and the patterns and we keep thinking we have a handle on the good life, the safe life, the life that feels like life but isn't dangerous. how small that world becomes when fear becomes our motivating factor because all of the things that kept us safe are suddenly and irrevocably gone.
how devastating it is when danger will robinson! is put in the pudding and your the one who is the cook but you can't bring yourself to follow the recipe any more
I fell a year and seven months ago and then again four months ago
I'm no longer physically capable of being the person I worked so hard to become its been a shock
when life stripped away all that I had that made me value me because it in my opinion made me safe for and in the world I wasn't sure what to do and haven't been sure of much because all the things that I thought were so necessary I wasn't able to organize and wield and keep steady any longer and I didn't want to put them down because they were all I knew
and I got scared scared I would choose to leave when I knew it was not my time to go scared I would be crushed again or scared I would choose something infinitely worse something black something irrecoverable
I felt pressure to figure it out, that the world I knew would leave me behind if I didn't figure it out you know the big "IT" and all I could see was that my "working progress badge" was expiring faster than I could get myself back on that horse I used to ride so confidently
you see our world moves really quickly now its like everyone has A.D.D don't people realize that all that tv in the background trained us to think in 15 second increments? and that if we could not discover our own travesty, find the culprits, vanish the dark lord, and have our happy ending in less that 37 minutes, or 13 episodes, then our show is cancelled or our channel switched?
how crazy is that that we do not acknowledge what trains us. the master who is behind what is the whip driving us over the cliff that we so conveniently for them interpret as our own desire to leap off into the nirvana of self inactualization? the only answer to what was driving me to self destruct after my life so almost completely died had to be either that I believed I was worthless for some underlying reason that I didn't realize I was holding dear, or life really was ended for me. kaput done, fodder.
somehow after trying on kaput, fodder, for more days than I care to recount, I came to the thought that I must believe something about me or this world or my life etc……. ad nauseum, that was a lie
dude
that is more likely than being camel fodder how many times have we found out that we thought something that wasn't real was real and staked our lives, our relationships, our everything on that lie? hmmmmmmmmm
so behind the curtain of me after I fell and crushed my self twice
I found that I was afraid
afraid of being hurt afraid of hurting others afraid my value was lost because all of the sudden my capacity was in my mind diminished lost broken
but I don't want to be broken
I don't want to have a disability
I don't want to lose my value
and I am not talking about not valuing others who are differently abled Im talking about me inside of me the me who I have known for 55 years who could do just about anything she wanted and who worked really really hard for a long time to become proficient at something she was really good at that made a really big difference I didn't want to lose her me because what I saw: the world I believed in without realizing I was supporting and creating my own prison, my own system that only valued perfection because I thought like a naive little lamb following the shepherd of the authority and social construct that I agreed to mold me, that if I was a broken toy I belonged in the trash , and what I saw was that I was broken irrevocably broken if my identity was defined by the world I believed in.
[the alternative thought that surfaced (and was confusing and not a good fit for me i.e. not true for me but persistently floating about the debris of options presenting themselves as life savers in the sea I found my self in the sea that I thought was the only pool to swim in until I didn't think this) of being a discarded broken thing was to be a thing that was destructive, maximally to any and all who I perceived were dangerous to the world as well, which is dangerous but evidently a popular thought was that if I took them out since I was going anyway then I actually was doing the world a favor] sound familiar? its really crazy this world we all grew up in and the broken ness isn't just me or a few others its lots and lots more to come so its important to look death in the eye ( or the voldemort of our own existence) and name it face it and then stop giving in to it stop giving it power over us
you see the only power I had in this world that I used to live in, power that I worked really hard to warrant and maintain, now all that was gone the me my chance my work the safety net was gone
is gone
and this person who enjoyed doing her best, who enjoyed figuring things out and applying them and changing life, lives, as a doctor as a friend, as a traveling companion, or a ceremony participant
this person is no longer capable of all of that physical and financial support that helped create the safety net that I lived in this person that I depended on to keep me and you safe if not happy was not the same person any more and all that safety in a world that definitely is not safe was gone and i didn't know what to do
and I sat and held back and stood still until I realized that I needed help turning over the garden, composting who I was or rather who I had been
and I asked for help
because the alternative was to be violent
and that was not ok
with me
so i did
ask for help
and I got it
from an unlikely gardener who showed up invited
just a person with a different perspective someone who sees something different in the mirror than I do
and we wrestled a bit over the mirror and how to hold it or look at it and neither of us liked how the other wasn't convenient for the fast track, and it was always sneakingly suspiciously tempting to not go back or to throw in the towel, but we persevered in our dance and in the end turned up something that when like a weed or a spent annual from years past pulled out of my garden, poked a hole in my world
and that was how the light got in
through the hole
and all that experience and training and stability and life that I was and had and did thinking it was permanent and dependable and would hold me and you in good stead became not garbage or failure
not a world in transition or a world that needed to be restored
it all fell away into the past
it became a foundation
evidence that all the things about me that were and are valuable have nothing to do with actually being a doctor, only with being able to become one
that recognizing the world is dangerous or someone is not of the best intention! really! that again! didn't mean I was subject to their illusion of control, or evil, or whatever so that I could honor their right to live to exist to wage evil and run amok to their hearts content.
the world is dangerous but only if I let danger define my world and even when I so clearly meet up with those who intend harm on the road down the lane and across the sea that does not mean that I am not safe just because they are not I don't owe them my life just because they have one at the same time and space that I do
hmmmm get it? more than one idea at one time wheat, oats, rye, same field dogs cats mice same house same time same space different worlds
I can move about I have the skills I have the heart the intention I have the flexibility
I can stand still, I can pause, I can breathe, I can sing, I can hum, I can laugh, I can see, I can be silent, or not, I can contribute, I can think, I can apply I can love probably better than I ever could because I don't believe any longer that I have to be finished that I have to be accomplished that I have to be perfect to have value or to be safe for you or for me I don't have to compromise because neither you nor I have to be held to one idea one thing to have value or to live or share or not
you see all that doing that fell down around me tells me that I have wherewithal and I am the good person I wanted to be and I will find my way as I did before and it won't look like it used to and I am differently abled physically and financially but now that is not a bad thing but just a thing
so I don't need a hall pass relatives
Im not a work in progress
lol
Im not working any more
get it!
thanx for being my friends for being my relatives for being you I think we matter not that we become the same thing or even similar but simply ourselves
love ya
mean it
mb
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