Good morning Relatives
we had an ice/snow/hail storm this morning early. when the dogs and I went out for morning ablutions the ground was covered in tiny little round ice balls that from my height looked like snow. they were / are clear and very very cold amazing how beautiful the morning can be and how energizing the ice can be when it is so small and elegant.
I've had a lot of dreams lately lots of transitions in the night struggles in the dreamtime often reflect the deeper or long past previous actions and inactions that when taken or avoided resulted in the circumstance of today changing the past in the dreamtime changes the reality of todays circumstance
Lately I have been dreaming of compassion of love that persists and I think that is important
that we persist in love above all it is important
what is love?
my own definition of love has changed evolved throughout my life which is a good thing
love was at first a thing a destination something that one qualified for or was awarded if one was good, appropriate, the right person in the right time or place, an ever after that once granted would never change or diminish
then love became a gift something to do, something to give or to figure out and grant or take away perhaps an emotional commodity? and in becoming a commodity it became something that could be broken
because it could be broken or trampled on or so I thought at one time I was given the idea that love needed to be secured within my self in a safe place so that those with whom I felt this inclination this commitment and this action and inaction oriented emotional attachment could not harm it or tarnish it or change it or break it
so I removed love from the place in me where it could be touched by the outside world
what I found out after long years of this was that in doing so I had also removed it from where I could touch it or feel it
and so I began to doubt that I had love or could love at all or ever would again
and then along came the past and its ever marching into the present and bringing with it an outside love that I thought would never be part of my life a distant love that is untouchable and unreachable like the princess who lives in a tower surrounded by poisonous thorns this child that I never thought I would in this life ever be concerned with showed up in my life's awareness and she is in a desperate lonely terrifying place a place where the prison she is soon to be incarcerated by will be a haven compared to the home from which she came a home that was part of the home I left long ago
a disastrous home that is deadly and has been for generations to a line a long line of women who have been infected with a malevolent negativity that destroyed them and their families generation after generation
and this child came from that long family line that female line of negativity that like a genetic virus decimated those who were born with its mark upon their heart? their soul? their mentation.
this female child was marked and raised in this deadly way and when she went out into the world she immediately fell prey to the consequences of the actions that her sickness drove her to persue in the the common world.
what I saw when her circumstance was made known to me was a child who was all these negative things but also a child who is also lonely, terrified, and ignorant of love of true love of life that is kind or even or plain
what I found was that inside of me was a love for her that disrupted the cage I placed love into long ago not out of care for its preciousness but out of fear for myself did I close away that which felt love and moved me to act on it and to let it change and grow and crumble and diversify
all out of fear for self
something inside of me refused to not stand for this child even though it will never be that I will or would want to be a part of her life nor do I desire to fix change or ameliorate her circumstance because that would only put me between her and herself her own realization or opportunity to find her way
inside of me I found that I had the courage the ability to go back to the time when our family was broken by this virus this entity that brought with it such negativity and in going back to that time and place I put back the line that was disrupted by this thing and then took hold of it as it returned or arrived for the first time to embody the generations of women who would be susceptible to its attachment
taking hold of it at first I wanted to destroy it but it was indestructible as all things are actually yet as long as I held it it could not infect others or harm them so I sought within me the why of my own desire to harm it and found that what I wanted was simply that it not harm us
I simply wanted it to not harm us so instead of achieving that through death I chose to achieve it by standing freely as a no by choosing for the generations of my female relatives a no to its attachment
yet also at the same time giving it the right to go to its own home
because all things come from somewhere
all things are home in the place where they belong
and I believe our universe, our A-U-M option is so much more than what I can or will ever perceive and if in this place I am then there is a place where it also is
and so I sent it to go home
because what I found was that it was as caught in its attachment as we were and that attachment created pain, fear, negativity that was deadly to us
and so it came to me that this thing was as trapped as we had been by something that it got caught in and in releasing it and in setting a boundary for us and for it it was freed to find its way safely forward even as we can
it may take an instant or eons for it to find its way home but I know that it can
it may take years or only one timely encounter for my niece to find her way in this world of consequence that has arisen out of her circumstance but what I believe is that she can choose freely now
and for that ability to choose freely I stand for her with love in my heart, mind and soul
for that I am able to love her as she is or chooses to be without it having any attachment or condition or breakableness inside of or outside of me
I realize I have been seeking a way to love without harm either to myself or to others in my life
perhaps I have found it It seems to me so that whatever love was to me as a child or young adult or grown up it has finally made its way out of the mud of ignorance and is now able to blossom into the light
it feels finally to me like something that is beyond a powerful thing, idea, concept or perspective. it is something that can simply be all that I am
its nice
thank you relatives for helping me
take good care
mb
No comments:
Post a Comment