the road to damascus

good morning relatives

its new years eve    the last day of the calendar year 2013    it is my dads birth day and my day of origination  as I like to think of it  

I had the best dream last night   one about the spirits who began the beginning here long ago   it was of course told in kung fu drama story genre   it is one of my favorite story themes  we used to go on Friday nights to a little neighborhood theater once a month they had kung fu movie night and we watched jet li and jackie chan when they were still in china and very young   the stories and movies were great!  of course now we have the kung fu panda

anyhow in the dream I was looking over the masters shoulder as he worked with the four direction spirits and because I kept getting under foot themaster picked me up and set me off to the side and said sit here and wait until i come and get you  so i watched for a bit then got intrigued with what I was thinking and decided to begin writing my own story book   which of course then turned into a reality and world of its own and I had to knock a bad guy on the chin because he was hurting my mom and in doing so I spilled the soup and couldn't remember how the table setting went for the special in color drawing for that page in the book and was trying to remember how to set it up and couldn't just as I remembered I was supposed to be sitting waiting and also that no one can recreate what was we can only do what is now as it is and as we have changed it because we weren't sitting still watching and waiting were we ?  it was  good dream about beginnings  anyhow

the epilogue or final or third lesson from holding the fire between myself and others all things which is harder to do than one would think  have any of you tried it?  it is hard because it must be originally gently firmly but freely held each time and felt not copied or mimicked but each time itself between myself and all else   it is a practice that is worth practicing    I am also working on practicing the skill of not absorbing internal shock  which I learned about in the movie the legend of the shadowless sword   and I know ya'll thought I was just a kung fu panda girl  but no I watch many different masters and see what can be learned  anyhow the thing about internal shock  it can kill you  it can build inside or hurt organs  or cause inappropriate growth and I am not just talking about bitter or negative ideas here relatives    I'm talking about the samscaras  the seeds we sow inside that come on the air or are deposited in us when we ingest someone else's poop who like birds are pooping out the seeds from what they themselves ingested and if we are not careful then when we are talking with them and trying to impress ourselves or them or do our jobs or be polite or whatever we are swallowing what is happening when we should be standing still watching waiting holding the fire and definitely keeping our mouths shut

yesterday for example a customer at the stop and rob wanted to rag on obama about something and I cut him off at the knees and then he went on somehow to guns and deadly force and that he was coast guard reserve (definitely reserve cause he was old enough to be beyond vintage if you know what I mean) anyhow I reminded him that if he was coast guard he was trained in the use of deadly force and if so he knew that one does not threaten others with deadly force  one uses it or one does not use it
period

and that got his attention

and he said yes  one either killed with deadly force or one did not pick it up   and it is the training about what is when and why about the use of deadly force is so so far beyond whether or not one can shoot straight   it is about having the skill of knowing when in one billion instances or perhaps one tragillion thrillion godzillajillion one would pick up and use deadly force       he knew that thought but hadn't quite brought it into his daily world had he   no he hadn't he said with his eyes looking into mine there at the counter of the stop and rob     hmm   something to think about

this means that guns are for death only     and like the shadowless sword movie one must either choose to use that death for protecting what is precious or for killing  and believe me relatives there is a big difference and it has to do with that internal shock absorption thing and holding the fire and being clear in every moment and every breath that you are being you as a light of life original and unmoved by others agendas ( which is trickier to learn than you think)  and one never ever picks up a gun to threaten

what I am not sure this man knows yet is that we are ourselves with our words our thoughts our gossips our actions and inactions and our un weeded gardens of emotion or gossipy or spiteful or negative cesspooling selves  not only weapons of mass destruction we are instruments of deadly force

yep thats right relatives  you and I are instruments of deadly force

we are guns

and when we pick ourselves up  and we act and we say or not say and we think and allow to brood simmer stew or spew we are either  protecting what is precious ( which I can tell you from being at the fire at Lame Deer involves a lot of not acting or saying anything until it is clear how to diffuse or create clear freedom with no blood loss or bones broken or death in our wake)  or we are going to kill  something someone

an interesting thought isn't it ?

so back to the fire and holding it between myself and well myself  as it turns out that is what I got from practicing it consciously over and over is that holding the fire gave me a sense of my own preciousness my own value and my own being ness   so the power of three  you the fire and me  how cool is that

so now I see in the light of the fire, that I am precious  and that relatives will make all the difference in the world   and that gun I was talking about  well now it can protect me as well  which when i think about it is protecting you  and although it may not make sense to you that all this time  all my life I can have been dedicated to protecting you to giving and doing for you for all and left me out of it but I know because I have been inside of me that that is so  I did leave me out of it except as an instrument so to speak  kind of like being on the creators or life's surgical tray  and no wonder something was missing anyhow very cool   what is funny is that in the dream time the spirits showed me that I was too energetic too young long ago and when they sat me off to the side to wait and be patient I got distracted and missed something  which by the way in the dream they showed me was a little half purple and half yellow thingy like a flat minion and so like the prodigal child I went off on my own and almost blew my inheritance  almost  but not quite  as with most good stories  my learning and timing different from yours perhaps relatives and different from those spirits who knew and were ready to hold the four corners of our time and space different but perfect as the master knew when it set me off to the side and essentially put me in motion

lol
cool
my matter matters

and in feeling my own value for a couple of day s  or more  I forget how much time has gone by but I do notice the days are already longer  the afternoon sun is not as quick to leave the sky  
in feeling my own value  I felt an unlocking or melting within me  some small thin barrier opened between me and me   between my intrinsic value center in my brain core and my heart the thin but completely impervious barrier that separated my heart from my own life disappeared

and it was quiet   this change   no big fireworks or ah-ha moments  no surges of endorphin laced adrenaline mountains crossed or slid down  no dolphins swimming with me wearing crowns of glowing luminescent ancient atlantic jewels   nope  the thin and I know it was thin relatives because I have learned over the years the the difference between killing and protecting, between life and death, between held and not is nano-razor thin   infinitesimally unmeasurably thin onion skin like curtain shell wall steel trap went down   and it was so slow so close the two differences that still I can stand in the one and look back at touch feel the other   and for her I am grateful for getting me here for standing and showing me all along who I didn't want to be for not abandoning me to my own impetuous ignorance or do gooder self or to the past or to a fantastical future but for standing with me in now and holding me and the fire until i could see one more thing and take down one more barrier

that difference between I was and I AM is so so thin  as to be the most silent deadly killer in our own race in our own time lifetime and temporal historical difference of time  and I think relatives that you know what I mean    in honor of my fathers birthday I will reference paul the apostle and his historic come to jesus moment on the road to damascus    remember that bible story   well he was one thing one moment and the next someone completely different   like helen keller when it finally percolated through the known into the unknown that communication in a pattern and with meaning was possible   yep old saul became paul and you and I relatives perhaps due to our sunday school teachers inability to think for themselves beyond the pale missed out on the real lesson of that story which was not what came after but what happened in that moment  when the trans parent impenetrable mind and heart became one with a new idea  an ah-ha moment

and it radicalized old paul and our biblical history was rewritten


so my newest thing for the year to come and I think will change all else after is that I too have had a on the road to damascus change in me relatives

i care about me

lol

finally   and not from a oh yeah like didn't you have that figured out before thing  and not like a oh no! does that mean she won't care about us now! thing and not like something that will not affect me or effect you because if you have paid attention relatives as I have to me then one thing about me as with PO is that there is no going back  there is no undoing the doing and yet going forward is with all together as one as we are so far

so i am excited about the new year  about what is to come  about this new found self value and self enjoyment and self interest  it is amazing    I have decide to learn sanskrit which should be amazing

oh and to love my dogs with no apologies which may not mean anything to you relatives but does to me  and the sticky wicket says about time mom

now isn't that just the face of enlightenment?

best to you relatives   good luck   I'm having a great day

love love love
mary