living in the vacuum

Good Morning Relatives

its a sunny but very cold day here in Pipestone    the dogs are playing after their breakfast    the cat is napping in the sun   the turkeys are finding the warmest places to hang out and I am having coffee

there is so much going on   Im learning about balance  and about remembering that my life at home  my time that is not at my job is as valuable as my time spent for work is     when I was a student as a child school had set hours    when I was in school as an adult  classes had set hours   when I worked 9-5 jobs there were set hours    then when i began working in the ambiguous world of doctor on call the set ness of hours went away    and then when i owned my own practice I was rarely not at work  

somehow the profession warranted all that value  all that focus and energy and give away of my life to it and frankly it almost killed me  

while I was working diligently I thought that the system  the government  the retirement investments etc… was doing their part  to take care of me  of us  like in school    we go to school and our parents  for the majority of us were working and covering all the other ends  and the administration the outside authoritative world was built and operated in such a way that it took care of us while we were doing other things    it was a barter system  built to help to maintain balance to make the gathering the town the city more sustainable in a larger system  a system that was I suppose intended to make things available for barter that we otherwise could not make ourselves or obtain like tea from china cinnamon from ceylon or fresh vegetables from california cheese from wisconsin and plays from new york

we made trades  and got things and enjoyed meals  time reading or taking in or exercising or relaxing or watching sports or listening to an ensemble    

and that I think is and was cool   a good trade     but somewhere along the way it seems there was a shift towards giving too much of our free time  our personal lives for money  for professional goals or fantasies on and on   the time constraints of things became unconstrained  kind of like the cell phone went from a safety conveinece to the ultimate robber baron of personal private space

so who stems the flow ?

I watch us myself my coworkers ( of which I am the oldest by at least 30 years) and others pouring our lives into the outside the other than the home and personal world  

how did I notice this  ?

how is it that a person who was a doctor now stop and rob cashier recognized an unhealthy insidious pattern in herself that she was taught trained and spent years participating in?

its easy  sort of   could've been easy

I kept waking up with a numb hand, arm, shoulder and pain in my thoracocervical junction area    and I was way too tired to do very much at home other than write occasionally and read and do laundry (work clothes of course, and animal and heat chores)  


yep I woke up unable to feel my arm       or was way too cranky at work   or was way too involved in the trauma drama that people brought to work and tried to leave with me    ugggggh

so rather than just get stuck in a  rut of complaint I thought I would see where I was allowing this to happen to me   and I looked back over my work schedule and found the lure of money  the lure of companionship?  social time,  pleasing others,  pleasing authority,  and a willingness to not value what I was doing at my home  

you see I want to be a writer, well I am a writer but I want to be a published writer one who makes it in that world  (what ever that means LOL)  so I spend my time when I am not doing other things or avoiding the fear of success etc  or working at the stop and rob or being afraid of getting to the end of the book and no one will want it    on and on the predators come from within to keep me from this personal goal    

so when I thought about it honestly and without avoidance,  I was subtly but clearly giving away my energy and time to too many things and it was leading me to the numb arm and hand

the lifeless life

well been there done that relatives  and got the t-shirt  twice  lol

the lifeless life  my arm was reminding me about it  

so I looked at my long standing old fear which translated into avoidance of telling someone in authority over me what it is that I want  what it is that I am willing to accept   I realize by now that making my "Wishes" known to management in a positive and friendly manner lasts only until the next staffing crisis and they come back to me and say Mary can you come in two hours early?  Mary you have two days off in a row here and can you work just a four hour shift  its not all day  or the next thing I know I am working six days in a row because when one schedule week ends and the other starts on a different piece of paper graph it appears there is a break when there is not   so the trying to be helpful or pleasant and not make waves or take on the weight of resisting refusing not fixing or helping with what they are wanting from me

whomever they are      

becomes for me very very difficult  

in thinking about this  in reviewing it in my life here on paper I see  get an inkling  of the fear the underlying motivations of not wanting to not fit in  not wanting to be seen as "negative" what eve that means for each person, or wanting approval, wanting to matter  in a good way

these emotions   flashes of people and their thoughts fears and "weaknesses"?   not sure it is a weakness  or if it is just as of yet an untrained muscular area in our personal functional psychic physique    

its an area in ourselves in myself that is not yet trained   sort of like not being potty trained I think   when we are not yet potty trained we tend to shit on ourselves, and in places that are socially and hygienically unacceptable and it leaves us vulnerable to ridicule, punishment, self abasement, and ultimately shame poor self image and on and on   when it is just shit it smells too much for people to use it for much or profit from it being deposited in an "inappropriate" manner place or time so most of society tends to really push for us to become mature, adult, grown up in our shit depositing habits until it is almost an involuntary thing for us to control our bowels and elemenations and we actually even outgrow the wonder, enjoyment and praise seeking behavior of the two, three, or however old child who says look! I made a deposit and my pants are clean!  

so we go on from this into our teens or youngling stage and we have been trained to seek approval, good toilet behavior progresses into good job with school way to go for cleaning your room or doing your chores or helping grandma or your dad change the tire (do dads do that any more?)  to seeking approval from the peers at school, or the teachers, or the coach, or the crowd at the basketball game and we grow into children, young, adults that seek approval   and also get hooked on the rewards that are handed out when we perform perfectly for our audience, our teachers, our parents, our pastors, our coaches, our trainers, our masters

and thus we do not become masters of our selves   of our own destinies    yes we are in charge of it no doubt  but we are not Masters  

and it is important you say to teach our children not to shit on themselves and to make good grades and clean up their room and to be thoughtful  yes it is
 but it is also important to teach them  i.e. me teach me  you teach you now that we are beyond parents
it is important to teach ourselves that our life energy  our time our focus our doing is valuable   it is valuable when no one is looking or handing out money or scoobie snax or praise or reward  
we are valuable on our own
and our little decisions about what to do with our time and energy pile up like tiny flakes of snow into a drift that eventually buries our lives in nothingness if we do not pay attention to what we are choosing and why  
why do you go in the toilet?
why do you sit and read or help carry in food from the car?
why cut the grass?  why wear clean clothes and how much energy and time do you spend cleaning them ?   why hang out with people who you seek praise from?  are they fun? really  is it fun to be so dependent on others opinions?
do I go to work because I am avoiding my home life?
what ever the reason that I don't stand up for my own free time and choice of energy balance social interaction money and sense of contribution  what ever the reason that I make the choice that I do if I have been trained to react rather than make a choice and if I persist in reacting rather than making a choice about my life and my time then I am most likely going to be sucked dry of my life into the profit that collects in someone else's pocket
and then eventually I will be a discarded shell of a person that even I don't want to live inside any longer
and either I will sink into the wall of the consuming world and become part of its structure  or I might in a burst of accumulated rage against myself and the life sucking world around me strike out at that world

and it would be with no clear plan or a ability to follow through to a different end and like a fire cracker  my energy would expend itself and then be lost  and I would be left with the clean up

because I didn't realize there are alpha dogs out there,  there are queen bees,  there are ants in charge,  there are human beings who are trained and or born to be predatory and who do and will suck the life right out of me as fast as I serve it up to them on my want to please platter

and because I didn't really realize  

until i was older LOL  like really older

that I had to watch out for myself  

that I had to take good care of me     really take good care of me and I mean way beyond how to wipe my ass so that I don't end up with stinky shorts  

way beyond eat your vegetables and comb your hair

I have to take care of me and value me  and see the joy in my day    and create joy for me in my day  

there is no trade for joy  

there is no buying it

or earning points for it   that someone will rebate you and handful of joy for

it truly comes from working your own life  my own life  my own self respect and gardening in my own little plot with my own little hands  

it truly comes from that

so why all these long complex deep thoughts and conjectures  relatives

because finding the nidus of what makes me tick and reprogramming the part of me that translates into who and how I am when I am the farthest away from my center in my day gives me confidence in my performance  it gives me confidence and comfort in the knowledge that I am not screwing my self out of my own life LOL

I have a friend who plays classical guitar  and not just at home but in a guitar orchestra    she does this because it pleases her     it pleases her to make this guitar sing  and to combine it with others  she revels in the joy of music and voice and she practices  hours and hours of practice every day  she does small things at the core of a music piece over and over until her hands have the memory of the movement and her ears and her breath and her body are all trained and practiced and combined into this wondrous organism of guitar music   she does it because it pleases her

she likes to be a part of the great guitar orchestra and to be there as an voluntary presence with trained involuntary contribution to this great effort of musical expertise and joy

and thats what I m talking about relatives

you see I thought growing up that I was going to become a part of the great joy of life and all of us working together to this great amazing harvest of the garden

and I believe that we are and we can be and it is worth it

and I believe that what makes me a valuable cashier at the stop and rob is because I understand that at my core I am more valuable if I give to me as much as to them  if I value my own time and work nd play and effort and if I do not trade my life for tomorrow or for a paycheck or an ira account or for pleasing the alpha dog    I am more valuable if I am in balance   and value me  as much as I value making correct change or mopping the floor or being kind to the customers etc…..

so I have to find the sustainable me  

I have to think it through because I am an adult  Im past the mindless training stage of my life   undoing takes effort and work but gives me joy because I already know that when i learn this thing that is at thend of these long complex traverses into thought and resultant human action  when like my friend I spend the time unthinking and undoing and redoing then I find the music that I can play without thinking  without worrying that at the end of the day my arm is going to be numb and my mind dissatisfied and lost or lonely    

we are complex  we are beautiful we are amazing and we sell ourselves short by trading mindless work for mindless praise  

dont do it

but don't undo it by being violent with yourself or others        remember kindness matters  and all the time that is not spent cleaning up a violent outburst or recovering from the damage to you and those around you  can be spent just enjoying and holding onto that person who cares for you the most

yourself    

myself

I will be kind when i tell my boss no more working more than four shifts in a row     and when someone anyone asks me or calls me to see if I can come in early  rather than focusing on pleasing them or the money I will take a few minutes to think it through and see if it pleases me and my work in my own life

because if my life does not please me  then I won't sustain it and ultimately they will lose a really good employees and I will lose a really good chance to exist

I have heard my friend play her guitar and she is great at it  not the best or the worst  not the key pin in the world of guitars  but she is beautiful because she is present  she shows up for and as herself  and I know that the ultimate sound of that orchestra would be less if she was not there  I can tell this because she is so amazing on her own

and that's it  I am amazing on my own and when i showed up at work or in the company of others that amazing ness made a contribution that all my life made those who could seek my contribution again and again  but what took me so long to learn is that when i am not amazing for me at home in my own personal privateness    then I run out of amazing out there in the world

and like others have before me I began to flail about because my joy was overextended and my arms were numb and my mind exhausted and my skills resorted to violence which really sucks  but is not so surprising when we look at our lives our culture and what we witness and see very day that when we are overwhelmed at the end  of our rope we become violent

so what do I hold onto   to keep me from being violent  to hold me to kindness until i can get my home practice up to speed?  because unlike my friend in the volunteer guitar orchestra and like most adults or human beings over the age of two I am unable to take a break from the great on stage ness of our lives and go to the betty ford center for sacred centered ness and be reintroduced into my regular world life through a series of really excellent 1/8th, 1/4, 3/8ths, 1/2 way houses so that I can learn to interact with the world and maintain my practice   and truly i have no desire to live in a monastery

how do I hold onto this nidus of kindness when I go back into the world today, tomorrow?  until I get it until I am practiced against all forces in the presence of all the alpha dogs and dog trainers in the tide of discontent in the real world  how do I do it?

I think I'll start by going and vacuuming,

let me know what you think Relatives

what you think

enjoy your joy in your day  
best
mary