Good Morning Relatives
Wow, I was looking back at some of my old posts, actually I was so far only able to look through one, Walking on Water, and while it was really great to be able to see all that stuff that happened and read through the never ending story that life really is, what my brain my mind was really looking at while I was reviewing the past was not the story, it was the writing. Examining old blogs made me acutely aware not only of what kind of mind my brain used to be but also what kind of story I used to be able to tell more importantly, what I am not able to tell now/yet.
Wow so different today it's a small peek into the effect that the brain injury had/has had on me so far I say so far because like the word yet so far doesn't fence me in, so far allows me to recreate me it is the path forward far has a nice intonation doesn't it so that some day I can meet myself again coming down the road.
Yesterday I was visiting with my good friend and sometimes therapist Dr Judy C after she had visited with Dr Rachel the audiologist who recently diagnosed me with three separate "injuries?", conditions? that are a result of the brain injury I had this summer they are Hyperacusis, Misophonia, and Tinnitus and my friend who has and is and will be a great support for me was pretty taken aback about how horrific my life/sound world became and remained so every minute every second of every day since 6-6-2019 she understood how horrific my mental life has become and she was pretty amazed that I was handling it all as well as I am/was.
I'm not so sure I am handling it that well. I seem to have put so much focus into trying to ignore/manage/shut out the ever-present sound pathology that clings to my head like an invisible sound amplification film that was sprayed inside my brain and is completely totally impervious to any attempt at volume adjustment that modern medicine or even medical imagination has come up with that I have been unable to have any except the smallest most fleeting relief from these three brain invaders let alone enjoy or easily participate in the common shared experience that we live in or even begin to be understood or supported by the rigid unyielding parameters of the workers comp insurance that is supposed to insure that I am able to return to a non affected state that I have disconnected with the consciousness stream that was/is my wonder woman blogging self. yeah I had trouble finding my way through and out of that labyrinthian thought also but, I think it is accurate.
so why am I disconnected from me? why does it appear to be so? Am I disconnected? or am I so completely focused on managing the three space invaders inside of my brain that are trying to consume me and my life that I am barely able to function let alone let flow onto the page the integrative imaginative and deeply clear rich mental complexity that was my bloggness self before I got hit in the head last summer.
Misophonia: she is like the Gorgon of the brain stalking about like a fire spewing dragon headed Being that never sleeps. She hates and I mean HATES particular sounds and when they occur she raises the fear level inside of me way beyond red alert more like a blazing cosmic exploding purply orange lightening strike white consuming tidal wave of anxiety and nightmare.....
why is that so? because its not just that I pick these sounds up, thanx to having concurrent Hyperacusis (the brain damage from the work injury this summer changed something in my central cochlear and brain auditory complex so that it amplifies sound reception in my head way WAY, WAAAAY LOUDER than it really is. Technically any sound above 20 decibels that's essentially a very soft whisper to me sounds like I'm sitting with my head inside a rock concert speaker)
so misophonic sounds channeled through the hyperacusis amplifier turn into something other than what you hear for example; try escaping the sound of rain on the roof that sounds like millions of ball bearings falling right over your head while trying to sleep or trying to focus on washing and rinsing when the water in the shower hitting/hating your skin sounds like its going to take your head off, or the sound of people including yourself talking or eating in a restaurant making your head hurt so bad that you have to excuse yourself to go vomit in the bathroom every five to ten minutes, or the sound of this blasted keyboard a zipper or velcro on a winter jacket the cars on the highway a quarter mile away the dinging of the car when started random conversation screaming kids the list goes on and on. I wonder if Apple makes a hyperacusis sensitive keyboard or if there are any doctors at all left whose hands are not attacking a keyboard the entire time they are "examining" me in a medical or therapeutic visit? when was the last time your doctor actually touched you or looked at you with your clothes off? Misophonia has a very long list of unacceptable phonic intruders and thanx to the hyperacusis she has every right to believe that those sounds are a major threat.
Misophonia HATES a multitude of sounds that I am totally unable to prevent from reaching her inside my brain and that is where she lives this sound hating gorgon headed amazonian woman that is trying to protect my brain from re-injury. I am quite sure that that is what she is up to. The reaction that courses through me when misophonic sounds strike the wings of her helmet and reverberate off of her shield is wearing thin my ability to prevent her from laying waste to the land and my life. I recognize that any inappropriate negative response directed outside of me would not be good but I have to say if I want to be completely honest that my patience is wearing thin my constant vigilance is tired of being constant and while Misophonia appears to be a super hero with an honest mission, I am not sure my counteractive wonder woman skills are as developed as hers are. although, in my gut when reviewing that previous statement I can tell that I am more endless than she is. hmm maybe a little more compassion for her rather than each of us trying to hack each others head off.
Misophonia is a hatred and I mean HATRED IN THE EXTREME of certain sounds which means that I have an intense negative emotional response to particular random sounds which results in my brain releasing the limbic kraken who in turn pours fear into my central nervous system via my limbic system (feel free relatives to look up any of these medical terms) resulting in extreme physioemotional reactions like anger, fear lots of fear, confusion, vomiting, severe fight or flight which rapidly turns into "Attack ATTack ATTACK!!!" and I have to stop all of this every time it happens before I set my own house on fire.
all of which is going on inside of me while everyone else around me is pretending that nothing is wrong yep that's what I just said everyone else is pretending nothing is wrong because I no less than a half a nano-second earlier just explained to them how I perceive the world around me and already they have moved on to what ever screensaver their attention span is focused on now. do you think that peoples addiction to transportable technology has stopped their ability to brain dive?
I understand that Misophonia operates with the soul/sole intent of saving me from further trauma to the head, but until I can convince her that I am no longer working at the sawmill, that all the random sounds I encounter are not indicative of eminent danger; I have to grab ahold of me and Her inside of me and keep me in a neutral place and position so that I don't end up annihilating my remaining chance of being an acceptable and well adjusted common person among the masses so much so and so constantly that I end up with e x t r e m e l y s l o o o o w s p e e c h pa t terns and so rt o f a f r e e z e frame body and mind that makes me appear to be .... Brain damaged? well I am brain damaged but not in the way science has imagined.
My damaged brain has become my own personal dysfunctional super hero and my outward appearance of being damaged is more to do a loss of my multitasking ability combined with having to be otherwise engaged inside my own head and body while everyone around me pushes me to be better, to get well, to be normal.
when Relatives was I ever normal? I'm not sure how it's going to work out in the long run I think taking the time to outline what is going on inside of me will give me a clue.
Actually given the circumstances thank life that I am functioning so well as I appear to be
something is niggling at the edge of my consciousness there is something here among the active rubble that is trying to fall into place and help me see in my own particular way how to work with Misophonia how to communicate with the outside world and make my own decisions as to how I can get well and how I can find my way. maybe if I can find a quiet place I can think about it.
thanx for listening I think this is enough for today I'll look at hyperacusis next time.
take care relatives sometimes it takes time to realize that if all I am doing is reacting to my environment (while I can be glad for who my baseline is) I am determined to work my way back to sitting back and seeing, hearing, understanding, observing and choosing who and how I want to be in the world around me isn't that what life is? really
Later tater
love ya
mean it
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