Let them eat cake

Good Morning Relatives

Spring is finally here   the birds arrived yesterday and this morning at 4am when i was outside contemplating the air and the last of the night sky they were already singing   i wondered what they could see in that time of little light when the colors of spring are not yet visible

it has been a difficult balance to find my way through this surgery on my shoulder   I am wearing a sling and will for another three full weeks before any physical therapy is begun   right now I am amazed at how long and deep the pain from the repairs is in the bones and soft tissue that make up this so needed joint are and continue to be   deep and long the tender and painful places as they work their way out and let go  i have no idea if we broke more than we fixed this time  and time will surely tell no doubt

I have and do struggle with the pain medications  ice is useful for a bit but only so much after a very long winter   I'm not allowed to take nsaid's the over the counter antiinflammatories that most people take   the narcotics that i was prescribed are horrible  they work but the cost is so vast and too much for me to handle  so I am intermittent or have been in deciding to take them  bouts of pain relievers interspersed with periods of no drugs for as long as I can stand it so that I at least have a few minutes now hours of what I think of as sanity and being myself without chemical affectation
my biggest fear is not being painful but in not being myself or at least a self that I recognize and feel I can come home to  chemicals and drugs are like inviting other beings into my own opportunity and then being un-amazed as they take over my abilities and my experienced perception of life leaving me to sit back and unable to steer or apply brakes or even know for sure that it is really me until I do know that they are like life eaters combined bundles of impetus that require an animated shell a person willing to give up their own opportunity in exchange for pain relief, the fluidity of drink, the exuberance of a gaseous entity, the imagination of a short spurted prerecorded fantasy all waiting to push me aside or you or anyone they care not who or which, which is part of why their use is to me not something I recreate in  because its always one sided  there never is any thought or heart or remorse or ability to stop and choose compassion or even companionship in a chemical  its not a partnership but a dictator ship that I am well aware of not being the ceo in charge when they are on board

it horrifying to me what comes with the trade for the absence of pain
it is a deep dark well of death that I see I could easily not swim clear of if I dove into that drink
my sister who died in that well disconnected from her own breaks  reminds me that if I can see the edge that tries to tipp me over then I am not too far from dry land  and as winston Churchill said when your in hell keep on going

I felt like baking a cake today  I took that as a good sign not that I have the ability to bake it yet  but that the impetus showed up  a good sign that the me that is present is really means I am beginning to see the shore that appears from a tide that has turned at last

my left arm (the one just surgerized) is heavy today   my hand and forearm and upper arm and shoulder and back to my spine have razor-sharp nerve pain when particular motions that I can't quite tame myself to avoid pop out of my intention and seek to delegate my limb to functionality

today when i attempted to write in the morning on my next book my hand was so heavy that it felt like an impossibility to raise it even the small amount that it takes to make my fingers type across the keyboard   my right wrist is lightly balanced  anchored like a balsam glider resting on a table waiting to take off with the slightest breeze  its fingers effortless as they dance across keys to communicate with you   my left hand lays like a downed log from a tree that has soaked in too much water  it is so heavy that I wonder if there will be an indentation on the metal of the laptop once I finish and remove it
my fingers ache and jerk as they push and pull across the keyboard hoping to find their work as the other half of each word in the flesh

i haven't forgotten about you relatives  I've just been trying to find my way first to me and then from there to the familiar person who tries on life and its majesty then chews digests recombines or just stands there amazed at all there is to see feel unlearn and try again or witness and enjoy in this world of ours and then shares because its what I do like the cake I would like to make it feels just right when done

good luck to you this day in balancing left and right   I think I will take a nap now and enjoy the impetus of baking rather more today than the taste of that accomplishment would bring

mb