Good Morning Relatives
well its a nice fall rainy day and the fire is going and I am doing my best to choke down my protein shake uggh lol no matter how much I make them with fresh fresh fresh they are nasty
but got to get vitamins somehow and I just don't live close enough to a good market to get fresh food that is great and full of vitamins!!! anyhow thats probably tmi
this weekend was spent at the women in spirituality conference in Mankato it was as always an interesting place and time and a bit deeper for me this year than last which is also interesting
so I tried a Facebook experience for a bit this summer and early fall what I found was that the more time I spent on that site the less I spent here
also I found that people on average rarely ever wrote anything they like things they repeated what others had like or sent on and there was very little that seemed to me that was original or personal
most of the people that I was "friends" with never email me or call with the exception of two people who responded immediately with notes and well wishes and then donations none of the "friends" responded at all to a go fund me campaign that I posted about multiple times a day to help a dog that needs cataract surgery to restore her vision it was amusing to me or perhaps disheartening they sort of feel the same to find out that if I was willing to post cutesy pictures or anecdotes or what have you then people glommed on to my words but when i asked for help yes for money and support everyone pretended I did not exist by the way here is the link for that campaign
gofund.me/givenewk9eyes
is that what our friendship has become? the inability to be personal original honest or thoughtful invested truly in anothers care? and I am not talking about money only I am talking about people asking hey how is that fund raising going? hey how is that dog does she run into trees? is she not as scared this week? does she play well and will you let us know how her surgery turns out? or I didn't know dogs could get cataracts or wow she is so young !
so relatives I offed myself off of Facebook
the price of these friends is too high for me because it means that in order to keep going with that media I have had to accept that my friends had lost what made me enjoy them in the first place when we met and spent time together in person and personally I would rather not reduce them or myself to that less-ness we are worth more than that or than the habits that are subtle and distracting and teach us that less is enough and casual and surface is satisfactory
take care with your faces and your hearts relatives
best
mary
Monday, October 13, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
frost on the pumpkin
good morning relatives
it was beautiful this morning when we went out there was frost everywhere and as the sun came on up and the dogs raced around Ic ould feel the heat that was melting the frost it was amazing
the ground is getting harder firmer and it is readying itself for the snow and ice that will come
it is like breathing in qigong in out strong soft up down hard soft I am now doing my qigong every morning after the dog walk before coffee when lying in bed in the early morning I practice what the tai chi masters call reverse breathing
in fully slowly pulling the stomach and diaphragm up causes the upper lobes of the lungs to inflate under the collar bones it is like tiny wings filling with air
then slowly out down diaphragm and stomach to the dantien the center that is just below the belly button
do not hold stress or intention in the heart do not hold or grasp the heart move all intention and cause and effect to the dantien
that is the navel of the earth breathing in and out as the frost covers the warm ground that is cooling as its intention changes
how is our intention today relatives
mb
it was beautiful this morning when we went out there was frost everywhere and as the sun came on up and the dogs raced around Ic ould feel the heat that was melting the frost it was amazing
the ground is getting harder firmer and it is readying itself for the snow and ice that will come
it is like breathing in qigong in out strong soft up down hard soft I am now doing my qigong every morning after the dog walk before coffee when lying in bed in the early morning I practice what the tai chi masters call reverse breathing
in fully slowly pulling the stomach and diaphragm up causes the upper lobes of the lungs to inflate under the collar bones it is like tiny wings filling with air
then slowly out down diaphragm and stomach to the dantien the center that is just below the belly button
do not hold stress or intention in the heart do not hold or grasp the heart move all intention and cause and effect to the dantien
that is the navel of the earth breathing in and out as the frost covers the warm ground that is cooling as its intention changes
how is our intention today relatives
mb
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
falling down
Good Morning Relatives
How is your fall coming down? it has been pleasant here at the center of the east and west gate the leaves are changing and falling all in the same day some days are in the 80's some in the 50's all perfect in their own way
how many of us have tried to figure out what it means to have ourselves even for one day perfectly?
I think for me it has been hardest to root out judgement and fear self judgment judgement of others fear of finding out who I am and of being different even as I enjoyed the wonder and amazement the satisfaction that that difference privately provided me
so back to the meditation on the tree
each part connected to the whole each part a cell of the heartwood, the cambium, the bark, the root, the branch, the leaf each and everyone the same in its identity as being a part of a beautiful whole yet each part each intake and exhale of lifes breath through each cell differently perceived differently used appreciated or resisted each leaf the same but so so very different
and the entire thing at peace with its difference at peace with its combination
long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept me I began to do so
long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept you I began to do so
fear abates finally
peace takes its place fills me with the simpleness of standing still
it is enough
How is your fall coming down? it has been pleasant here at the center of the east and west gate the leaves are changing and falling all in the same day some days are in the 80's some in the 50's all perfect in their own way
how many of us have tried to figure out what it means to have ourselves even for one day perfectly?
I think for me it has been hardest to root out judgement and fear self judgment judgement of others fear of finding out who I am and of being different even as I enjoyed the wonder and amazement the satisfaction that that difference privately provided me
so back to the meditation on the tree
each part connected to the whole each part a cell of the heartwood, the cambium, the bark, the root, the branch, the leaf each and everyone the same in its identity as being a part of a beautiful whole yet each part each intake and exhale of lifes breath through each cell differently perceived differently used appreciated or resisted each leaf the same but so so very different
and the entire thing at peace with its difference at peace with its combination
long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept me I began to do so
long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept you I began to do so
fear abates finally
peace takes its place fills me with the simpleness of standing still
it is enough
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Love Needs a Footprint
Good Morning Relatives
I thought about the events that took place on 9-11-01 truly a day of lunacy and since that day we have been at war for over 5110 days we as a nation acted as if we could eliminate the vulgar the horrific the violent from our world body if we went to war and did our best to kill what brought us so much pain and loss then somehow that would make it all go away make it better make us normal again but how can we ever be normal if normal means that which never felt loss or pain or put upon by those who cannot think beyond death why have we put our lives in the hands of those who such a small and tight and painful grip on the soul of the world why do we not see that they are the small thorn that reminds us why we take a break and laugh, or play, or be gentle and generous
the war that followed 9-11 was not just about vengeance, it was about profit and dominance of one right over another using might using death, starvation, threat of violence, economic infiltration and dominance
instead of our government helping us heal from that tragic day they have made the scar bigger and deeper
it just seems to not make very much sense does it?
what happened to making the peaceful bigger what happened to our global footprint?
for two years I have been dealing with the pain and loss, the fear and change in my psyche that falling and being crushed did to me. I thought last winter that I had it made I was in the clear and on the road to freedom when I slipped on the ice at the little job I had taken on and fell again, only this time even though the fall was not as horrific the injuries to my shoulder were more severe and have more devastating effect.
why does this matter? how does it relate to 9-11 ?
falling down changed my self perspective the pain and persistent losses attract my focus like flies to butter or dogs to a bone the efforts to heal, rehabilitate and restore my upper left quadrant to its former or I would even settle for a new glory keep that focus squarely on the damage and pain meter that became the only mirror in which I gazed striving to see a me that did not have pain and loss or that memory of such an horrific event in my mind, in my day, in my life
I think many of us want the horror and the pain in our lives to be gone like magic to be eliminated like the Taliban from the face of our earth
but its not going to happen we can't erase events and if we did it would surely erase those who died while on their innocent road those who were bringing beauty to their lives and the lives of those who they knew erasing would erase them as well
but if you are or were anything like me after I was injured all I can think about is I don't want this pain I don't want to feel this way I don't remember what I used to do only what I can't do now and my day is measured in pain and loss and unbeknownst to me my upper left quadrant became my identity and the more I pushed and struggled against it the less of me as a happy person or a peaceful person existed
then the rehab people put me in the pool and what a difference all of the sudden what I could feel was that there was more of me that was happy, whole and healthy than the 1/4 of me that was not and even in that 1/4 there were parts that were not all bad it was a new day and I had happy back in my life
then I went to the lymphologist and she worked on my left quadrant to move the stagnant lymph out of its entrenchment and all of that toxicity hitting my system made me sick and it brought all that pain right back but this time because I had been in the pool and found happy in me real as all get out that pain persona had a hole in its argument that it owned me that it defined me and that it was all that I should focus on
there is a difference when we are called to fight or to respond in kind to violence when we do not let that violence take hold of our identity, there is a difference in us and created in our world when we, rather than fighting, call to mind that which is not violent that which is not in pain and instead lift up hold and consider truly all the kindness and goodness and peace that also exists
I am typing here one hand quiet and peaceful one hand in terrific pain, tight, reactive. both are me one the quiet one feels like love to me the other feels like war ready to leap off the cliff and take me with it to a bitter end
before the pool I forgot about how most of me is love most of me is quiet and steady I only thought about the war that I was raging against events that changed me events that I cannot erase from my cellular memory I thought I was doing the right thing going to war against me
but now I am not so sure
I think the pain will recede, I think the tissues mend, I think it will take time, perhaps the rest of my life to heal and to rebuild and I may never live another day without that footprint of horror in my body but what I find is that I have two feet two hands two shoulders two rib cages and one is quiet both are me as a whole being I find that the pain is not so overwhelming when I look at the sum total of who I am and I find that just admitting the presence of love, of peace in myself makes the pain more bearable it doesn't magically change me into a functional perfect being but it changes my self identification and it changes my sense of worth it give me grace it reminds me of the life that was before and the life that is still a good life it keeps me from warring with me and I have an idea that without that war I would and will eventually have more peace in my body than pain
love has to have a footprint in our life
we can choose to strengthen that which makes war or strengthen that which makes peace peace dose not come by killing that part of us that feels pain or has suffered loss we cannot conquer death but we can live life can't we?
we cannot win a war ever there is no erasing or eliminating pain or death with more pain and death and with cutting off our hateful parts from that which is greater that which is peaceful
we are all of it and until we stop raging against ourselves we will never rest
find the love in you find the peace give it a foot print lay down your arms against yourself
I have
mb
I thought about the events that took place on 9-11-01 truly a day of lunacy and since that day we have been at war for over 5110 days we as a nation acted as if we could eliminate the vulgar the horrific the violent from our world body if we went to war and did our best to kill what brought us so much pain and loss then somehow that would make it all go away make it better make us normal again but how can we ever be normal if normal means that which never felt loss or pain or put upon by those who cannot think beyond death why have we put our lives in the hands of those who such a small and tight and painful grip on the soul of the world why do we not see that they are the small thorn that reminds us why we take a break and laugh, or play, or be gentle and generous
the war that followed 9-11 was not just about vengeance, it was about profit and dominance of one right over another using might using death, starvation, threat of violence, economic infiltration and dominance
instead of our government helping us heal from that tragic day they have made the scar bigger and deeper
it just seems to not make very much sense does it?
what happened to making the peaceful bigger what happened to our global footprint?
for two years I have been dealing with the pain and loss, the fear and change in my psyche that falling and being crushed did to me. I thought last winter that I had it made I was in the clear and on the road to freedom when I slipped on the ice at the little job I had taken on and fell again, only this time even though the fall was not as horrific the injuries to my shoulder were more severe and have more devastating effect.
why does this matter? how does it relate to 9-11 ?
falling down changed my self perspective the pain and persistent losses attract my focus like flies to butter or dogs to a bone the efforts to heal, rehabilitate and restore my upper left quadrant to its former or I would even settle for a new glory keep that focus squarely on the damage and pain meter that became the only mirror in which I gazed striving to see a me that did not have pain and loss or that memory of such an horrific event in my mind, in my day, in my life
I think many of us want the horror and the pain in our lives to be gone like magic to be eliminated like the Taliban from the face of our earth
but its not going to happen we can't erase events and if we did it would surely erase those who died while on their innocent road those who were bringing beauty to their lives and the lives of those who they knew erasing would erase them as well
but if you are or were anything like me after I was injured all I can think about is I don't want this pain I don't want to feel this way I don't remember what I used to do only what I can't do now and my day is measured in pain and loss and unbeknownst to me my upper left quadrant became my identity and the more I pushed and struggled against it the less of me as a happy person or a peaceful person existed
then the rehab people put me in the pool and what a difference all of the sudden what I could feel was that there was more of me that was happy, whole and healthy than the 1/4 of me that was not and even in that 1/4 there were parts that were not all bad it was a new day and I had happy back in my life
then I went to the lymphologist and she worked on my left quadrant to move the stagnant lymph out of its entrenchment and all of that toxicity hitting my system made me sick and it brought all that pain right back but this time because I had been in the pool and found happy in me real as all get out that pain persona had a hole in its argument that it owned me that it defined me and that it was all that I should focus on
there is a difference when we are called to fight or to respond in kind to violence when we do not let that violence take hold of our identity, there is a difference in us and created in our world when we, rather than fighting, call to mind that which is not violent that which is not in pain and instead lift up hold and consider truly all the kindness and goodness and peace that also exists
I am typing here one hand quiet and peaceful one hand in terrific pain, tight, reactive. both are me one the quiet one feels like love to me the other feels like war ready to leap off the cliff and take me with it to a bitter end
before the pool I forgot about how most of me is love most of me is quiet and steady I only thought about the war that I was raging against events that changed me events that I cannot erase from my cellular memory I thought I was doing the right thing going to war against me
but now I am not so sure
I think the pain will recede, I think the tissues mend, I think it will take time, perhaps the rest of my life to heal and to rebuild and I may never live another day without that footprint of horror in my body but what I find is that I have two feet two hands two shoulders two rib cages and one is quiet both are me as a whole being I find that the pain is not so overwhelming when I look at the sum total of who I am and I find that just admitting the presence of love, of peace in myself makes the pain more bearable it doesn't magically change me into a functional perfect being but it changes my self identification and it changes my sense of worth it give me grace it reminds me of the life that was before and the life that is still a good life it keeps me from warring with me and I have an idea that without that war I would and will eventually have more peace in my body than pain
love has to have a footprint in our life
we can choose to strengthen that which makes war or strengthen that which makes peace peace dose not come by killing that part of us that feels pain or has suffered loss we cannot conquer death but we can live life can't we?
we cannot win a war ever there is no erasing or eliminating pain or death with more pain and death and with cutting off our hateful parts from that which is greater that which is peaceful
we are all of it and until we stop raging against ourselves we will never rest
find the love in you find the peace give it a foot print lay down your arms against yourself
I have
mb
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
its all going to the dogs, thank god for that
good Morning Relatives
we are sliding into fall without really ever stopping at summer here in Pipestone or so it seems
its a cool rainy day today
I watched an excellent movie last night by the way its great to check movies out from the library it must be a small town thing but our library has access to so much and it is free or rather tax dollars doing excellent work the movie was "Barney's Version" with Sam Giamatti and Rosamund Pike excellent film
much better resource management than buying for me and then having
I finally had a garage sale and got rid of much then donated much to the local thrift store and am still selling things I don't need any longer its funny how my mind has evolved and the need to have or own lessened I see that as a sign of progress rather than what it could possibly be which is a sign of declining but ok with it income and less energy than previously
either way I am good with it
I got to spend a goodly part of last weekend with some aussie folks not folks from down under but people who dedicate a significant part of their income lives and interests and emotional investment in to Austrailian shepherd dogs training dogs for agility, herding, conformation and obedience they had a trails and I watched dogs and owners attempt and succeed at herding ducks, sheep and cows it was something, then I watched these working dogs show in conformation and obedience which was an amazing thing to see how full of trust dogs are I watched dogs look at their person and their people and even rent a holder people like me with loyalty and affection that could not be swayed
it had been ages since if ever I have been amongst a group of beings that had so much trust and affection so evident between them and such willingness to please not out of fear, or greed, or manipulation or thought of gain just simply out of because it makes me happy to make you happy
it was an excellent trade between hearts and minds
I have owned an austrailian shepherd dog one or two and now three since my first year in veterinary school I have had the privilege of being a companion of dogs visited with them cared for them made mistakes with them and eventually now that I am older and capable of a different deeper perspective understood them in a new way over and over again since I was a little girl
as a veterinarian I had the privilege of meeting, working on and enjoying many many dogs but I have to say I am an aussie girl all the way they are extraordinary these dogs
they are kind unfailingly they are loyal to the death and beyond they are soft and in need of gentle guidance yet they are tough as nails and withstand horrific abuse either at the hands of an ignorant owner/trainer or idiots who are evil, or trauma of surprises accidents or unexpected standing in the way of harm for their person or people and they will come back willing to try again my dogs have never been crabby with me even though there have been days when i have been crabby with them and with life in general it's amazing really to think that love and relationship really can survive life and what we don't know yet and may never understand or fail to translate well if at all
my heart has stayed in the game relatives because of these dogs last week I saw a second neurologist in physical medicine and rehab about my left shoulder and after reviewing from the beginning all the trauma I have been through in the past two years he had a shocked look on his face as he said to me Dr Brown, this is like watching a horror movie and you are starring in it. he could not believe that I survived and am still pleasant and trying my best to go at life one more time he was amazed I got off the floor when I fell and was crushed or that I did not descend into drug addled pain free life when my immune system finally said "enough!" and had a systemic reaction to more trauma and set off a persistent neuritis in my left upper quadrant
why did I get up? because of my dogs why do I return again and again to love, and kindness and humor and joy because of my dogs because one look at that trusting happy face (s) looking back at me and I know that I am not alone, I am simply and unreservedly loved deeply and with every fiber of their four-legged bodies not bad eh relatives not bad at all
now before you go off and get an aussie from your local ad or breeder or rescue know that they are dogs that demand excellence from their owners they demand that you have discernment that you be an alpha person and that you be firm without being cruel or heavy handed friendly without being crazy dangerous and fair always they work cattle by the simple idea of "ok, did that now what's next?" which is a good way to handle correction, adversity, windfalls, mistakes, and the now moment hmm perhaps buddhists come back as aussies? for me being an aussie owner is like being a normal person who is willing to pay attention, learn from my mistakes, seek out and enjoy life with a companion and get up when i fall down and a hand reaching out to steady or reorient comfort or partner up to see what can be accomplished together yet be totally thrilled with individual majesty kind of like I thought humans were supposed to be about each other
they are also not dogs to just have and put on a shelf they are working dogs that are quite satisfied to have that work mean they pick up and hand you your jeans and t-shirt off the floor every morning like my dog marshall does for me they just want to be an active part of their persons life and they are worth it they are amazing whole enchilada companions
so I've decided to let my life go to the dogs why because I know that they will solidly and without any accruing debt on my part karmic or otherwise love me through my own learning curve in what remains of my amazing life
my therapist asked me when was the last time I felt emotional attachment to a human being and immediately tears came to my eyes as I recalled my sister dying and my dad driving me away from the family for the last time before they succeeded in killing me and landing themselves in jail its been a long long time since I trusted people with my heart way long since I had a girlfriend and my doc says I am primarily task oriented but we think I am beginning to have the impetus to learn to balance that tasking with emotion which means healing and watching these dogs and their companions I see a balance between work and love
I think my dogs will help me learn to rebalance and heal that part of me and someday I will find that I am willing to risk emotional loss for gain with a person that would be nice
best to you this fine rainy day relatives
mary
we are sliding into fall without really ever stopping at summer here in Pipestone or so it seems
its a cool rainy day today
I watched an excellent movie last night by the way its great to check movies out from the library it must be a small town thing but our library has access to so much and it is free or rather tax dollars doing excellent work the movie was "Barney's Version" with Sam Giamatti and Rosamund Pike excellent film
much better resource management than buying for me and then having
I finally had a garage sale and got rid of much then donated much to the local thrift store and am still selling things I don't need any longer its funny how my mind has evolved and the need to have or own lessened I see that as a sign of progress rather than what it could possibly be which is a sign of declining but ok with it income and less energy than previously
either way I am good with it
I got to spend a goodly part of last weekend with some aussie folks not folks from down under but people who dedicate a significant part of their income lives and interests and emotional investment in to Austrailian shepherd dogs training dogs for agility, herding, conformation and obedience they had a trails and I watched dogs and owners attempt and succeed at herding ducks, sheep and cows it was something, then I watched these working dogs show in conformation and obedience which was an amazing thing to see how full of trust dogs are I watched dogs look at their person and their people and even rent a holder people like me with loyalty and affection that could not be swayed
it had been ages since if ever I have been amongst a group of beings that had so much trust and affection so evident between them and such willingness to please not out of fear, or greed, or manipulation or thought of gain just simply out of because it makes me happy to make you happy
it was an excellent trade between hearts and minds
 |
| Wicket |
I have owned an austrailian shepherd dog one or two and now three since my first year in veterinary school I have had the privilege of being a companion of dogs visited with them cared for them made mistakes with them and eventually now that I am older and capable of a different deeper perspective understood them in a new way over and over again since I was a little girl
as a veterinarian I had the privilege of meeting, working on and enjoying many many dogs but I have to say I am an aussie girl all the way they are extraordinary these dogs
they are kind unfailingly they are loyal to the death and beyond they are soft and in need of gentle guidance yet they are tough as nails and withstand horrific abuse either at the hands of an ignorant owner/trainer or idiots who are evil, or trauma of surprises accidents or unexpected standing in the way of harm for their person or people and they will come back willing to try again my dogs have never been crabby with me even though there have been days when i have been crabby with them and with life in general it's amazing really to think that love and relationship really can survive life and what we don't know yet and may never understand or fail to translate well if at all
my heart has stayed in the game relatives because of these dogs last week I saw a second neurologist in physical medicine and rehab about my left shoulder and after reviewing from the beginning all the trauma I have been through in the past two years he had a shocked look on his face as he said to me Dr Brown, this is like watching a horror movie and you are starring in it. he could not believe that I survived and am still pleasant and trying my best to go at life one more time he was amazed I got off the floor when I fell and was crushed or that I did not descend into drug addled pain free life when my immune system finally said "enough!" and had a systemic reaction to more trauma and set off a persistent neuritis in my left upper quadrant
why did I get up? because of my dogs why do I return again and again to love, and kindness and humor and joy because of my dogs because one look at that trusting happy face (s) looking back at me and I know that I am not alone, I am simply and unreservedly loved deeply and with every fiber of their four-legged bodies not bad eh relatives not bad at all
now before you go off and get an aussie from your local ad or breeder or rescue know that they are dogs that demand excellence from their owners they demand that you have discernment that you be an alpha person and that you be firm without being cruel or heavy handed friendly without being crazy dangerous and fair always they work cattle by the simple idea of "ok, did that now what's next?" which is a good way to handle correction, adversity, windfalls, mistakes, and the now moment hmm perhaps buddhists come back as aussies? for me being an aussie owner is like being a normal person who is willing to pay attention, learn from my mistakes, seek out and enjoy life with a companion and get up when i fall down and a hand reaching out to steady or reorient comfort or partner up to see what can be accomplished together yet be totally thrilled with individual majesty kind of like I thought humans were supposed to be about each other
they are also not dogs to just have and put on a shelf they are working dogs that are quite satisfied to have that work mean they pick up and hand you your jeans and t-shirt off the floor every morning like my dog marshall does for me they just want to be an active part of their persons life and they are worth it they are amazing whole enchilada companions
 |
| Marshall ready to hand over pants and T |
so I've decided to let my life go to the dogs why because I know that they will solidly and without any accruing debt on my part karmic or otherwise love me through my own learning curve in what remains of my amazing life
my therapist asked me when was the last time I felt emotional attachment to a human being and immediately tears came to my eyes as I recalled my sister dying and my dad driving me away from the family for the last time before they succeeded in killing me and landing themselves in jail its been a long long time since I trusted people with my heart way long since I had a girlfriend and my doc says I am primarily task oriented but we think I am beginning to have the impetus to learn to balance that tasking with emotion which means healing and watching these dogs and their companions I see a balance between work and love
I think my dogs will help me learn to rebalance and heal that part of me and someday I will find that I am willing to risk emotional loss for gain with a person that would be nice
best to you this fine rainy day relatives
mary
 |
| Diamondaire Dragon Warrior "PO" my boy |
Friday, July 18, 2014
yoga with mommy
Good Morning Relatives
How are you today Ive been thinking about kindness at first I thought it was compassion i was thinking about but I don't think it is there is something that sets a person apart when compassion is the action perhaps it is solicitude? or maybe what is known as fellow feeling
being able to perceive and register the emotions of another without taking them on sharing them (as in shouldering their load) perceiving the suffering that that person is feeling the impact on their psyche their life because of events, turns of events, or disillusionment
disillusionment is not a bad thing it is simply the crash and burn of ones expectations and fantasies when we meet life as it is rather than as we imagined hoped or planned on it being
so wham when that happens a person may be crestfallen disappointed devastated or actually relieved encouraged and or simply glad that that which is false is no longer plaguing their mind
it all depends on the fantasy and the reality and how they come together and what the heart and mind of the reoriented person was set on before things changed
so what happens when we witness someone come face to face with their circumstance and realize that their hearts their imaginings their what they thought they were getting into are not at all what they ended up in ?
this all came about because I had a dream about my parents on occasion they show up with something they either want me to witness or something they are still intent on teaching me in this dream part of what I witnessed was my mother as a young woman alone coming face to face with the reality that she was not Cinderella, and her marriage to the prince was not going to go like she thought
I am not sure (not being my mother) what she wanted exactly or what she saw that was so different but what I am sure of was that I was watching her come apart melt as surely as the wicked witch of the west did when Dorothy's innocence threw water on her because she was just trying to help put her fire out
I watched my mother as a young woman melt and crush inside
I could feel her pain not like it was mine but I could feel that she felt it it was coursing through her and in that moment she was in agony
in that moment in the dream I realized that my mother was at one time a young woman who had to endure the experience of realization that so many of us have also gone through somehow after years of being exposed to my mother something inside of me decided she wasn't human and thus that had for who knows how long made it ok for me to not care about her and to have the opinion that she had no life no existence beyond my opinion of her
that is not only wrong relatives it is amazingly horrible to recognize that was what I thought about her without knowing it consciously obviously it was a defensive and very practical position for me to hold given that my mother made it very clear the last time we spoke that she would kill me if she could and had planned to do so on more than one occasion anyhow this blog is not about that past but about me ending up standing unconsciously in such a blatant generality of non existence towards this human being
so it was a surprise to see her in my dream as a young woman who I could tell was not forged into the horror I knew when she was fifty years or more beyond that day in my dream she was not yet what she became it was kind of a wake up call to me to think to recognize that at one time she was young and coming face to face with her own choices and circumstance
she was definitely in pain and in that moment I felt kindness? compassion? empathy for her? something
and that morning I woke up with the question of what does it mean to feel these types of feelings for a person who as it turned out as she made her way through the forest and over the hill of life to be
a person who chose not to be kind herself it was as if she that day long ago when she was a person whose reality was adjusted whose fantasies were crushed she planted the seed of bitterness and revenge
so what was it like for me (someone who lived with this bitter, narcissistic, vengeful person as a child growing up myself and later as a child that she tried to murder because I was resistant to her and her ways ) what was it like for me to feel a non negative feeling towards her? maybe not even a negative feeling but any feeling at all? what was it like it was odd it was weird. it was a new idea
it made me question the application of kindness and compassion it made me question whether or not I was conditional and because being conditional in my mind is not right it made me question me which in turn made me want to learn a deeper more valuable skill something that takes into consideration the past humanness the past negativity and the present choice of no connection how do I think of or consider this person in her complexity?
it was a good question
right away I want to say that it is not my job, my wish or my anything what so ever to change her or to be connected to her. what I saw in all of this was a clearer picture of me and so I got to take a look at me with the idea of using that dream and the experience of experiencing witnessing her in her moment ( a moment) of pain and having feelings about it sort of a retro ah-ha moment. no need to rethink me and her, no need to criticize the solid decisions I have made about the facts of my life, but an opportunity to give myself a better future because of an encounter with her past
that's kind of cool
so for me it comes down to learning to be at ease with life's flexibility with the stages we all go through with the freedom we have to be one person one minute and another the next I am not dependent on my mother being one way or another, negative or positive according to how she affects me i.e. my perception of her to herself she may be always positive
and I may in an overall general sense wish her well but that doesn't mean I want to rely on her or experience her in my personal time and space continuum I'd rather not
however it was good to be reminded that she is a human being and for that human being who lost her dreams on the face of reality I can feel something
for the person who took that experience and made herself into something that is bitter and destructive not so much
why does this matter? because we are not all lump sum we are not generalized beings I would rather be a being that can feel even if I cannot identify those feelings and even if those feelings do not change my activities I can feel them and just that change in me that nuance of positivity I do know will is some form of love that the person that she was at that time and space where she stood where all of us have stood at one time or another, and in that time and space having that love extended to her even minutely even from now back to then and when even in that small way that change in me that openness to her will make a difference it felt like a gift to her unconditional love from me to her spontaneous no strings no future fantasies nothing but that instant of love released from me extended to her
who would have thought I had it in me ?
and perhaps that person that she is then obviously somewhere still going through that pain maybe she will in the time and space that the dream was connected to maybe she will shift even a little not towards hate and bitterness and revenge but towards care
who knows
what I do know is that inside of me I was glad to find that I cared that I was capable of opening myself up to a deeper perhaps more skilled response I think that is important I think it is worthwhile I don't want to be dependent or rigid or emotionless and I don't want to crash or hang out over some edge of fantasy or despair or disillusionment or separation that means that I have got to have better skills
the other thing that this little exercise has given me is joy in me joy in seeing who I choose to be and whether it changes something somewhere or nothing what I know is that because I felt it, delved into it, sussed out a skill from it and now will practice until competent I like me more today I also like the world a little more because I feel I can move about in it with more confidence
so good luck there star troopers going where no human has gone before or so it feels on a daily basis
best mb
How are you today Ive been thinking about kindness at first I thought it was compassion i was thinking about but I don't think it is there is something that sets a person apart when compassion is the action perhaps it is solicitude? or maybe what is known as fellow feeling
being able to perceive and register the emotions of another without taking them on sharing them (as in shouldering their load) perceiving the suffering that that person is feeling the impact on their psyche their life because of events, turns of events, or disillusionment
disillusionment is not a bad thing it is simply the crash and burn of ones expectations and fantasies when we meet life as it is rather than as we imagined hoped or planned on it being
so wham when that happens a person may be crestfallen disappointed devastated or actually relieved encouraged and or simply glad that that which is false is no longer plaguing their mind
it all depends on the fantasy and the reality and how they come together and what the heart and mind of the reoriented person was set on before things changed
so what happens when we witness someone come face to face with their circumstance and realize that their hearts their imaginings their what they thought they were getting into are not at all what they ended up in ?
this all came about because I had a dream about my parents on occasion they show up with something they either want me to witness or something they are still intent on teaching me in this dream part of what I witnessed was my mother as a young woman alone coming face to face with the reality that she was not Cinderella, and her marriage to the prince was not going to go like she thought
I am not sure (not being my mother) what she wanted exactly or what she saw that was so different but what I am sure of was that I was watching her come apart melt as surely as the wicked witch of the west did when Dorothy's innocence threw water on her because she was just trying to help put her fire out
I watched my mother as a young woman melt and crush inside
I could feel her pain not like it was mine but I could feel that she felt it it was coursing through her and in that moment she was in agony
in that moment in the dream I realized that my mother was at one time a young woman who had to endure the experience of realization that so many of us have also gone through somehow after years of being exposed to my mother something inside of me decided she wasn't human and thus that had for who knows how long made it ok for me to not care about her and to have the opinion that she had no life no existence beyond my opinion of her
that is not only wrong relatives it is amazingly horrible to recognize that was what I thought about her without knowing it consciously obviously it was a defensive and very practical position for me to hold given that my mother made it very clear the last time we spoke that she would kill me if she could and had planned to do so on more than one occasion anyhow this blog is not about that past but about me ending up standing unconsciously in such a blatant generality of non existence towards this human being
so it was a surprise to see her in my dream as a young woman who I could tell was not forged into the horror I knew when she was fifty years or more beyond that day in my dream she was not yet what she became it was kind of a wake up call to me to think to recognize that at one time she was young and coming face to face with her own choices and circumstance
she was definitely in pain and in that moment I felt kindness? compassion? empathy for her? something
and that morning I woke up with the question of what does it mean to feel these types of feelings for a person who as it turned out as she made her way through the forest and over the hill of life to be
a person who chose not to be kind herself it was as if she that day long ago when she was a person whose reality was adjusted whose fantasies were crushed she planted the seed of bitterness and revenge
so what was it like for me (someone who lived with this bitter, narcissistic, vengeful person as a child growing up myself and later as a child that she tried to murder because I was resistant to her and her ways ) what was it like for me to feel a non negative feeling towards her? maybe not even a negative feeling but any feeling at all? what was it like it was odd it was weird. it was a new idea
it made me question the application of kindness and compassion it made me question whether or not I was conditional and because being conditional in my mind is not right it made me question me which in turn made me want to learn a deeper more valuable skill something that takes into consideration the past humanness the past negativity and the present choice of no connection how do I think of or consider this person in her complexity?
it was a good question
right away I want to say that it is not my job, my wish or my anything what so ever to change her or to be connected to her. what I saw in all of this was a clearer picture of me and so I got to take a look at me with the idea of using that dream and the experience of experiencing witnessing her in her moment ( a moment) of pain and having feelings about it sort of a retro ah-ha moment. no need to rethink me and her, no need to criticize the solid decisions I have made about the facts of my life, but an opportunity to give myself a better future because of an encounter with her past
that's kind of cool
so for me it comes down to learning to be at ease with life's flexibility with the stages we all go through with the freedom we have to be one person one minute and another the next I am not dependent on my mother being one way or another, negative or positive according to how she affects me i.e. my perception of her to herself she may be always positive
and I may in an overall general sense wish her well but that doesn't mean I want to rely on her or experience her in my personal time and space continuum I'd rather not
however it was good to be reminded that she is a human being and for that human being who lost her dreams on the face of reality I can feel something
for the person who took that experience and made herself into something that is bitter and destructive not so much
why does this matter? because we are not all lump sum we are not generalized beings I would rather be a being that can feel even if I cannot identify those feelings and even if those feelings do not change my activities I can feel them and just that change in me that nuance of positivity I do know will is some form of love that the person that she was at that time and space where she stood where all of us have stood at one time or another, and in that time and space having that love extended to her even minutely even from now back to then and when even in that small way that change in me that openness to her will make a difference it felt like a gift to her unconditional love from me to her spontaneous no strings no future fantasies nothing but that instant of love released from me extended to her
who would have thought I had it in me ?
and perhaps that person that she is then obviously somewhere still going through that pain maybe she will in the time and space that the dream was connected to maybe she will shift even a little not towards hate and bitterness and revenge but towards care
who knows
what I do know is that inside of me I was glad to find that I cared that I was capable of opening myself up to a deeper perhaps more skilled response I think that is important I think it is worthwhile I don't want to be dependent or rigid or emotionless and I don't want to crash or hang out over some edge of fantasy or despair or disillusionment or separation that means that I have got to have better skills
the other thing that this little exercise has given me is joy in me joy in seeing who I choose to be and whether it changes something somewhere or nothing what I know is that because I felt it, delved into it, sussed out a skill from it and now will practice until competent I like me more today I also like the world a little more because I feel I can move about in it with more confidence
so good luck there star troopers going where no human has gone before or so it feels on a daily basis
best mb
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
whats it all about Alfie?
Dear Relatives
good morning
why does it matter who is in the white house? because they elect supreme court justices
as I hope you know a landmark really a landslide ruling that put us way way back into the dark ages was handed down by the us court it was an all male cast that gave the majority and the women strongly dissented as they should
it gave an employer the right to hold back insurance coverage due to religious convictions
this is not separation of church and state this is discrimination big time
fortunately for us we are not ruled by those justices and we can make our own decisions
like boycotting hobby lobby and I am not just talking about not shopping there I am talking about other employers stepping up and giving hobby lobby employees better jobs at their place of business
we can help these employees find jobs that are not controlled by a religious right
right?
remember that if our fellow employees are discriminated against on the basis of religious choice and personal preference or reproductive freedoms
if healthcare benefits
or personal rights
or personal right to worship who we want or not which is the core of religious freedom
become the levers with which employers try and control employees then it is time we stood up and did what is necessary to shut those businesses down
so if you know someone who works at this kind of business help find them a different job
as for the supreme court lets over turn their decision
if our government chooses to support those who support discrimination then it is time for a new and different government
if we allow this then next will be you relatives
next will be exactly what happened to my grandmothers mothers sister which was she was not allowed to marry a white person because she was not considered a human being this was in the late 1800s in Indian Territory she was not considered a human being because she was a First Nation born human being and the ruling class the great straight white american law ruled she was not a person and thus had no right to marry the person she loved even though it was a man
sound familiar
its time to replace the justices that think they can rule over women's bodies
its time to stop letting our government control our laws our freedoms our right to healthcare and preventative medicine because we actually choose to use our freedoms
are we a democracy ? are we a nation that puts up with this? when is enough enough?
find out what you can do and do it
best mb
good morning
why does it matter who is in the white house? because they elect supreme court justices
as I hope you know a landmark really a landslide ruling that put us way way back into the dark ages was handed down by the us court it was an all male cast that gave the majority and the women strongly dissented as they should
it gave an employer the right to hold back insurance coverage due to religious convictions
this is not separation of church and state this is discrimination big time
fortunately for us we are not ruled by those justices and we can make our own decisions
like boycotting hobby lobby and I am not just talking about not shopping there I am talking about other employers stepping up and giving hobby lobby employees better jobs at their place of business
we can help these employees find jobs that are not controlled by a religious right
right?
remember that if our fellow employees are discriminated against on the basis of religious choice and personal preference or reproductive freedoms
if healthcare benefits
or personal rights
or personal right to worship who we want or not which is the core of religious freedom
become the levers with which employers try and control employees then it is time we stood up and did what is necessary to shut those businesses down
so if you know someone who works at this kind of business help find them a different job
as for the supreme court lets over turn their decision
if our government chooses to support those who support discrimination then it is time for a new and different government
if we allow this then next will be you relatives
next will be exactly what happened to my grandmothers mothers sister which was she was not allowed to marry a white person because she was not considered a human being this was in the late 1800s in Indian Territory she was not considered a human being because she was a First Nation born human being and the ruling class the great straight white american law ruled she was not a person and thus had no right to marry the person she loved even though it was a man
sound familiar
its time to replace the justices that think they can rule over women's bodies
its time to stop letting our government control our laws our freedoms our right to healthcare and preventative medicine because we actually choose to use our freedoms
are we a democracy ? are we a nation that puts up with this? when is enough enough?
find out what you can do and do it
best mb
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