Good Morning Relatives
Have you noticed that this blog doesn't have ads running when you pull it up? have you noticed that there isn't a tracker imbedded in it so that when you pull up your Facebook or next query page on your internet browser that this blog doesn't sneak itself into your visual field and try to run away with your mind and attention?
well you can come here and just hang out if you like I think the biggest day we've ever had has been 19 or so usually there are two or three who come here for a nap not too many ad companies want to hitch their wagon to this one. and thats ok with me its still content that is uncensored and nonfat based and not owned by any political parties its not bad really I am not sure why so many blogs and information pages are so crazy full of things that are linked together to the browser on google or whomever is running the search engines these days
its like all the ads from tv and radio went viral and multiplied into the inability to even pull up a medical article and read it without having to learn how to not accidentally click on a celebrity gossip or the crazy get rid of belly fat by avoiding these five food thingy
how things have changed not sure how to stop this visual and web page viral overloaded ad crazy ness maybe just wait till it crashes or find a teenager who understands how to block a web browser better than I do maybe just making sure I am not caught up in it or driven by it like the gas coupon thing at the grocery store cents off a gallon if I buy a product manufactured by a certain large company wonder if they own the gas also? its still irksome to live where the stores are small and the shelf space and ad space in coupons are driven by the large soft drink, chip and cracker and frozen food entree manufacturers there is no way to actually have a grocery store that offers regular non shelf space and paid by subsidies food that determines what I get to choose to eat is there? grocery stores are dependent on customers spending and like this blog if numbers were the game we would starve to death wouldn't we well no actually I wouldn't I won't
money really has become a god hasn't it? and if the housing market crash happened because people were willing to get something for nothing and there were people willing to sell and trade futures our futures over and over until the root traders were secure enough with their compounded moneys that they could turn around and pull the plug on those who were out there dangling on mortgages and credit cards that they couldn't hope to afford like drunk lemmings running for the cliff instead of the sea and everyone crashed except those who planned and traded on that money scam that was sold over and over and over
those who got out early got out but I doubt they are idle It was after that that the internet changed wasn't it? it was after that that viral ads went viral
someone is paying money to make produce and sell those ads someone is selling the space on your computer and the space in your face and is tracking and selling anything and everything that you browse through so that they can sell sell sell
why are people allowing so many Facebook and twitter and pintrest and ad linking viruses to attach themselves to their blogs or articles or what ever
so they can have exposure so they can be liked so they can get paid to rent space on their dime hoping that you will spend your dime in their store
sway out there somewhere is another deficit it has a face it has a viral infection fed by someone who wants money doesn't have to be my money or yours as long as they get it in the end '
wonder what that crash will do
did you realize that so many people are on prescription medications in this country that we who are required to have insurance are required to have and pay for a prescription medication plan even if we do not, cannot, and will not take them?
well what is the option ? well people will die won't they? if we don't pay for them then what is the cost ? the cost is not life its not that people will die if untreated its that their income generating stream will end for someone else if they die. that is why they are supported through insurance and "care" programs that reduce one cost but jack up so many others that the income streams are innumerable linked to one person who is paying paying paying and believe me when the paying is not enough to justify the out lay then you die any way
sound depressing no worse than five belly fat items whatever they are
so make a decision to feed the rats or jump the ship it will cost you your life either way it just depends on what kind of life you want in the interim doesn't it ?
its going to smell really bad when all this stuff crashes isn't it? clean water and really good septic systems are going to be really important and a really good dog
keep your money in your pocket and stop "sharing" see what happens next
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Pema and Johnny Cash and the IRS whats a name anyway
Good Morning Relatives
well I decided to do a little meditation last night before bed so I soaked in a hot bath of korean sea salt and epsom salt and rosemary and eucalyptis nice then I read a bit in Pema Chodrons book the places that scare you only reading from a held back meditative place which by that point was quite easy
it allowed me to observe and see something that I had not previously which is always interesting isn't it
Pema is big on meditation and on labeling her source of effort as bodhichitta which is a nice effort and all but there is way too much emphasis on levels and achievement if we are then we are and why not
I say go for it Pema and let yourself be an original and all encompassing source already don't hold yourself back out of some sort of respect for those who have and those who can't or won't its not worth it so forget the bodhichitta or becoming a bodhisattva be Pema she is grand don't settle for the prelim stage of enlightenment
anyhow that note aside I was enjoying the reading and not reading at the same time as the intense saltyness drew myself out of myself and allowed me to be me in a whole different way that is when something that Pema said or rather she wrote on the page that I was reading caught my ah ha moment
it is the idea that intensity let loose in side of me (usually in the dream time) triggers such deep and intense breathtaking feeling that before I know it in an attempt to get away from myself from that fire that is destroying me inside which I don't remember inviting in the door by the way I end up leaping onto a story board and running down the road riding what is often a very dead horse till the emotion or the fuel burns out of me or burns me up and hopefully in the midst of all that conflagration if I can hold on and not harm myself then I can phone a friend (though it seems no one gets up early any more do they at least not in my time zone) and if they answer and I havnt set myself or the house on fire I can ask them to help me please help me while I burn to death in my own cauldron of fear that has somehow caught on fire in the night and is out of control inside my very own self thank life for old childhood friends who do answer the phone and who know what a horrible and unremovable thing it was to have to live through my sister shooting herself and dying before I was done loving her or needing her to love me back thank life for friends who can just say I understand and I am holding you even from thousands of miles away steadfast and long enough and strong enough that I can die and be reborn again into my own reality thank life for the truly loving and selfless friend of mine
Pema said to let go of the story and have the intensity of the emotion and while having it sort of like the bath and the book and meditation all at once adding up to a fourth dimension let it flow and yet don't be consumed by it but take a look at it while I am in it that was an interesting thing that I as it so happens was doing while reading and soaking so the idea was already present (kind of like Pema being Pema without the boddi butting in)
so I thought about that
then she said that when we hold ourselves to a story or a action or non action while we are having this eruption of fuel if we are fearful which is the point of the book to learn not to be fearful then we are simply using the fuel and the fire (the story we are telling our selves) to avoid the underlying fear and so in a way we are harming ourselves which may not be overt but is definitely accumulative like steps on the treadmill or four or six too many m&m's or one more chip or one less hug eh?
so my project this week is to recognize when I am telling me a story and stop and take a face on look at the underlying fear I may not change avoiding going to the gym on sunday because the guy who mans the desk not only watches in the cameras everything I am doing but comments to me about what he thinks of me when I come by the desk which I must so what is the underlying fear? a creepy dude watching me makes me feel awful and I don't want to feel powerless and exposed so what is the story I tell me? that if I go to the gym I will be victimized brrrr ugh yuck yuck yuck since it is not socially acceptable to whack his head off either I go and ask for his schedule so that I can go when he is not there or I don't go at all and or I tell his super visor what he did and does and I recognized that I was avoiding going because I could feel myself holding myself back from going, I could feel the part of me that wants to go work out and wants to not keep eating or reading or sitting for hours on end but I would ignore it. I would push it aside. I would push me aside and not listen to me. thus the emotional cauldron fills with fire while I am looking away pretending that I am doing what I want to do when what I want to do is not what I am doing. Capisce?
all this from Pema imagine that anyhow I don't feel less creeped out or less vulnerable knowing what is behind the story of why I am not going and allowing myself to add one more day of blobness to my already unwelcome days of blobness due to my injuries but what I feel is that I am honest and clear and not carrying an extra layer of nasty crap just so that I don't have to think about facing the creepy dude at the gym because lets face it what girl knows how to deal with her fear of creepy dudes? I really don't understand how those girls who go about exposed do that knowing that there are creepy people out there oggling them not that I think I am ogable these days Im not but it makes it more creepy that someone would watch someone who is as out of shape as me urgh brrrr yuck anyhow I know as women we are supposed to take back the night and all of that but really it is exhausting having to deal with creepy people and in a small town there seems to be even more of them per capita than in the big city creepy! ok enough of that
so I went to bed thinking about how to use Pema's looking glass today which is now and I was happy about it a way to explore and reauthenticate my life may not change what I do but really who wants to be a self induced zombie? so i went to bed and thought about a friend of mine who is being reviewed by the IRS (by the way it seems despite the propaganda that they have cut back on staff and the audits are less than 1% that everyone is being audited except the rich and famous or the republicans or the Koch brothers) any how I was sending her a good night best of luck thought because I knew she was up late organizing old tax crap and I woke up at one in the morning with this poem :
Lay down your burden as well as your hed
Let us sleep together the sleep of the ded
For the ded think not on things that are fled
Or let things go round and round in their hed
Like poems or loves that cannot be hed
For the ded be not afraid of ser dred
Nor do they toss and take to their bed
Memories of lives that have long since fled
Narrie do Thoughts of food, wine or bed
Cross their sleep nor worried their hed
Sleep ye now with neither harm nor dred
The sweet sweet sleep that comforts the ded
ta da! nice eh so I texted it to her in the early morning
then I finally fell asleep and woke somewhere in Scotland with a bunch of old women who were trying to get their act together for a lament but none of them were quite through the barrier that was holding them back so I stood up and began to meditate out loud the song that Johnny Cash and Fiona Apple sang as a duet on one of his last albums Bridge over Troubled Water only they jumped right in on the first cue and took it off like a sunday school rhyme which was all wrong so I had to make them stop and begin again and over and over they bungled it with their fast pony sunday school mantra carry me away down the river singing
I could feel that they weren't feeling the song just singsonging it and that felt to me like so much less than what I could feel and wanted to bring to them and to the ded
I kept telling them NO NO NO it is a lament a LAMENT you feel it and that is what makes the words come out that is what makes the song only they weren't getting it that it is FEELING that brings the song and if we FEEL then the song shows up on our lips and we don't get lost down the river of denial
so Pema I feel ya
best mb
well I decided to do a little meditation last night before bed so I soaked in a hot bath of korean sea salt and epsom salt and rosemary and eucalyptis nice then I read a bit in Pema Chodrons book the places that scare you only reading from a held back meditative place which by that point was quite easy
it allowed me to observe and see something that I had not previously which is always interesting isn't it
Pema is big on meditation and on labeling her source of effort as bodhichitta which is a nice effort and all but there is way too much emphasis on levels and achievement if we are then we are and why not
I say go for it Pema and let yourself be an original and all encompassing source already don't hold yourself back out of some sort of respect for those who have and those who can't or won't its not worth it so forget the bodhichitta or becoming a bodhisattva be Pema she is grand don't settle for the prelim stage of enlightenment
anyhow that note aside I was enjoying the reading and not reading at the same time as the intense saltyness drew myself out of myself and allowed me to be me in a whole different way that is when something that Pema said or rather she wrote on the page that I was reading caught my ah ha moment
it is the idea that intensity let loose in side of me (usually in the dream time) triggers such deep and intense breathtaking feeling that before I know it in an attempt to get away from myself from that fire that is destroying me inside which I don't remember inviting in the door by the way I end up leaping onto a story board and running down the road riding what is often a very dead horse till the emotion or the fuel burns out of me or burns me up and hopefully in the midst of all that conflagration if I can hold on and not harm myself then I can phone a friend (though it seems no one gets up early any more do they at least not in my time zone) and if they answer and I havnt set myself or the house on fire I can ask them to help me please help me while I burn to death in my own cauldron of fear that has somehow caught on fire in the night and is out of control inside my very own self thank life for old childhood friends who do answer the phone and who know what a horrible and unremovable thing it was to have to live through my sister shooting herself and dying before I was done loving her or needing her to love me back thank life for friends who can just say I understand and I am holding you even from thousands of miles away steadfast and long enough and strong enough that I can die and be reborn again into my own reality thank life for the truly loving and selfless friend of mine
Pema said to let go of the story and have the intensity of the emotion and while having it sort of like the bath and the book and meditation all at once adding up to a fourth dimension let it flow and yet don't be consumed by it but take a look at it while I am in it that was an interesting thing that I as it so happens was doing while reading and soaking so the idea was already present (kind of like Pema being Pema without the boddi butting in)
so I thought about that
then she said that when we hold ourselves to a story or a action or non action while we are having this eruption of fuel if we are fearful which is the point of the book to learn not to be fearful then we are simply using the fuel and the fire (the story we are telling our selves) to avoid the underlying fear and so in a way we are harming ourselves which may not be overt but is definitely accumulative like steps on the treadmill or four or six too many m&m's or one more chip or one less hug eh?
so my project this week is to recognize when I am telling me a story and stop and take a face on look at the underlying fear I may not change avoiding going to the gym on sunday because the guy who mans the desk not only watches in the cameras everything I am doing but comments to me about what he thinks of me when I come by the desk which I must so what is the underlying fear? a creepy dude watching me makes me feel awful and I don't want to feel powerless and exposed so what is the story I tell me? that if I go to the gym I will be victimized brrrr ugh yuck yuck yuck since it is not socially acceptable to whack his head off either I go and ask for his schedule so that I can go when he is not there or I don't go at all and or I tell his super visor what he did and does and I recognized that I was avoiding going because I could feel myself holding myself back from going, I could feel the part of me that wants to go work out and wants to not keep eating or reading or sitting for hours on end but I would ignore it. I would push it aside. I would push me aside and not listen to me. thus the emotional cauldron fills with fire while I am looking away pretending that I am doing what I want to do when what I want to do is not what I am doing. Capisce?
all this from Pema imagine that anyhow I don't feel less creeped out or less vulnerable knowing what is behind the story of why I am not going and allowing myself to add one more day of blobness to my already unwelcome days of blobness due to my injuries but what I feel is that I am honest and clear and not carrying an extra layer of nasty crap just so that I don't have to think about facing the creepy dude at the gym because lets face it what girl knows how to deal with her fear of creepy dudes? I really don't understand how those girls who go about exposed do that knowing that there are creepy people out there oggling them not that I think I am ogable these days Im not but it makes it more creepy that someone would watch someone who is as out of shape as me urgh brrrr yuck anyhow I know as women we are supposed to take back the night and all of that but really it is exhausting having to deal with creepy people and in a small town there seems to be even more of them per capita than in the big city creepy! ok enough of that
so I went to bed thinking about how to use Pema's looking glass today which is now and I was happy about it a way to explore and reauthenticate my life may not change what I do but really who wants to be a self induced zombie? so i went to bed and thought about a friend of mine who is being reviewed by the IRS (by the way it seems despite the propaganda that they have cut back on staff and the audits are less than 1% that everyone is being audited except the rich and famous or the republicans or the Koch brothers) any how I was sending her a good night best of luck thought because I knew she was up late organizing old tax crap and I woke up at one in the morning with this poem :
Lay down your burden as well as your hed
Let us sleep together the sleep of the ded
For the ded think not on things that are fled
Or let things go round and round in their hed
Like poems or loves that cannot be hed
For the ded be not afraid of ser dred
Nor do they toss and take to their bed
Memories of lives that have long since fled
Narrie do Thoughts of food, wine or bed
Cross their sleep nor worried their hed
Sleep ye now with neither harm nor dred
The sweet sweet sleep that comforts the ded
ta da! nice eh so I texted it to her in the early morning
then I finally fell asleep and woke somewhere in Scotland with a bunch of old women who were trying to get their act together for a lament but none of them were quite through the barrier that was holding them back so I stood up and began to meditate out loud the song that Johnny Cash and Fiona Apple sang as a duet on one of his last albums Bridge over Troubled Water only they jumped right in on the first cue and took it off like a sunday school rhyme which was all wrong so I had to make them stop and begin again and over and over they bungled it with their fast pony sunday school mantra carry me away down the river singing
I could feel that they weren't feeling the song just singsonging it and that felt to me like so much less than what I could feel and wanted to bring to them and to the ded
I kept telling them NO NO NO it is a lament a LAMENT you feel it and that is what makes the words come out that is what makes the song only they weren't getting it that it is FEELING that brings the song and if we FEEL then the song shows up on our lips and we don't get lost down the river of denial
so Pema I feel ya
best mb
Sunday, January 25, 2015
fortune cookie
Good Morning Relatives
I've been working on the kung fu panda handbook it is coming along I also am trying to reconnect, to remake and perhaps rewire my brain as I go when I fell back in 2012 I really smacked my brain and it had to take a break. then, just when I thought I was breaking out of that healing cusp I fell again in feb last year and reinsured my shoulder and I am sure smacked my brain again though not quite as hard, and have had some setbacks due to that fall on the ice last year
now every dark has its light if we can find the matches or where we put our glasses to find those matches and then locate the candle to find our way back into normal life Im still working on finding my glasses for those of you who are interested
I have chronic pain in my left brachial plexus by chronic I mean it is ever-present in varying stages of attention controlling awareness which is exhausting actually who would have thought my days would become exhausting? the brachial plexus which you can look up if you are curious and my shoulder were something that I really took for granted most of my life, as to what that plexus affects the effect it has on me is that I get tired, I have very little ability to function for very long at all during the day and if I work on writing it can be the end of me for the remainder of the day because of the nerve and muscle pain it triggers or exacerbates in my left neck, shoulder, arm, hand
to top that all off I have been working on my brain trying to restore and recapture what I think of as myself in that capacity I cannot tell you how horrible it was to find that parts of it were inaccessible to me after the traumas I had not good bad in fact so I have been trying to fix that and it causes me to have headaches odd dry pain that is not quite finger point able but present very not good but I trust the process actually and understand that with nerve injuries going back through the pain to find the way back to no pain but functional is the way it works or is supposed to work
I am someone who gains comfort and peace and extreme well being from snow from the silence and the cold and the beauty of its perfection and its smell and texture on and on everything about snow makes me happy so my brain decided to interpret my wanting to have my brain back as me going skiing in new snow in an amazing place with amazing drops and twists and turns what is funny is that there was the old me skiing with me and the new me following that is until I got to the place where the old way led into a deep well worn actually scorched (imagine scorched snow) very deep track that looked way over skied so I made the decision to hop up on my skis and take myself down a different track leaving my old self to find its way in its past on its own
thus the headaches eh? so new snow new tracks new schussing kind of scary eh? no not for me who knows what I will find the the vast reservoirs of my giant snow brain as I make my way across its landscape at least I am home at last
anyhow I got stuck while working on the panda and had to wait a bit while the pieces found their way to the top and I could put them together. I realize that not all of what is put together for me is immediately recognizable for you but that is the nice thing about having your own blog it is yours as is mine so it makes sense to me which if you read it and you are welcome to it it may or may not make sense to you se-la-ve
anyhow I was thinking about how like my shoulder before it made itself so ever presently present to me through loss, I was thinking about how Po's skill as a kung fu master is over looked. Not recognized until he becomes recognizable by learning the standardized forms what is it that Master OOgway sees when he sees Po? what is it that Po is before he is trained? what is it that makes him Him? Him of course like my shoulder. it is the unseen the behind the camera that makes the film it is the life that is brought to the action that makes the action valuable not the action itself so I thought I would share a little of what I wrote this morning
good luck star troopers, have fun with your life
How do we teach that kung fu is everything, everywhere, all the time? That we are its’ essence. We are kung fu always even as we are always language, emotion, give and take, curiosity, and that which must attempt. We are always all of these things. Even if we have not mastered our Effort so that like a horse charging under fire we are able to hold our purpose, our intent and our motion channelled through a form that is particular in its path. WE are that.
Why do I understand this? Because it is everywhere, every moment that I am. Because I am it, and if I am here it is here. If I am moving it is moving. I am the ball of clay it makes itself from. Therefore in me is all that it is or can be. As I make my way through my life, through the things that I choose to use to shape me or that my own push pull with life molds me into or out of, it still remains that all that is possible, came from me. How cool is that.
How do we teach ourselves to return to the understanding that we are masters? That we are born fully capable of all that we want to be. It is an simple matter of believing we already are extraordinary rather than thinking that we have to achieve something or the other in order to be extraordinary. The only permission we need is our own.
We are all already all that we can be. Without me there is no kung fu, I am kung fu, I just may not be disciplined yet, or fully trained. But I am what creates kung fu. Without me kung fu is nothing. I am the everything that kung fu needs so that it can exist. Kung fu comes to my table to eat not, the other way around. It is very important that we take this tiger by the right tale so that it doesn't eat us alive.
How do we reverse the mirror in which our lives are viewed so that the vast hidden reservoir of our ability is not misfiled in our psyche and shelved as insignificant the moment we walk out of the door of our yoga class, our tai-chi practice, our church study group, or our compassion as a second language study group?
When we push who we are to the back of our minds and forget that we are who we are all the time we become as dry and dusty as a discarded book lost on a forgotten library shelf. When I look back at my life, or at the system of lives around me I see that we are and have been living our lives as if we need some sort of special permission, degree or certificate of competency in order to own them. In order to simply enjoy them. I see so much loss through the loss of all our magnificence because we have come to believe that without what is without whatever that is or may be we are nothing. Worse than nothing, most of us believe we are less than. Brrrr-ugh, yuck yuck yuck.
When Mr Ping teaches Po that in order to make something special you just have to believe that it is special, he is also saying the opposite. That in order to make something insignificant you just have to believe that it is not special. Our lives, our system of enslavement which is bowing down the heads of our society almost to the breaking point was not created by picking the right or wrong system with which to align ourselves. It was created by thinking that we needed a system at all in order for us to have value, to have purpose, to blossom or make the most of ourselves, or to come to the conclusion that life after going to so much trouble and particular magnificence in creating us would discard us as if we did not matter after all.
Life is not impersonal. It is not meaningless. It is amazingly, extraordinarily, extravagantly magnificent. And each of us. Each living thing has it wholly in our own hands from the moment we are born until the moment we lay down our little clay suits and move on to the next glorious adventure. We have forgotten that without the magnificent gerbil, the wheel is irrelevant. When we become salves to the wheel that cannot because of its very nature encompass all of the extraordinary ordinariness of our own simple selves we have lost sight of the original gift of the wheel.
How do we teach ourselves and thus each other that we already own and in fact embody a tremendous vast incalculable opportunity and competency that is so singularly amazing that there is only one of each of us ever created? How is it that the tools that were created to sharpen our wit, dulled our sense of awareness? Why is it that when I was sent to school and driven to church that the very essence of my own value, my own extraordinary capability was denied, discounted, eliminated from the equation of a successful me as if it was never a divine gift of life fully delivered the moment I was born?
Rather than receive me as the overflowing well that I am, I was taught, brainwashed into thinking that without the permission of that which is without I was less than the meanest thing, even to the point of non existence. I am not the only one who was taught and has used the mirror to destroy myself before it ever occurred to me to see in that mirror looking back at me the infinite capacity that I AM. When education, or persuasion of any kind depends on the premise that without its’ approval, without its’ mastery I am less it is a false teacher.
Any skill, any discipline, any idea pursued to its infinite application is in fact itself dependent on the presence of the student. Without the student there is no discipline. The student brings to the practice the infinite possibility of learning, adaptation, assimilation, incredulity, curiosity, resilience, application, repetition, opposition, and eventually the ability to discard and move beyond the static realm of the classroom. Between the small number of practical and personal extraordinary gifts that each student brings to any class, practice, or study of any form of applied learning are the infinite nuances that each student carries within him or herself. Each of us has the seed of infinite possibility bursting open deep inside of us, and reaching and growing towards the light of our own experience in a way that no master will ever experience or have the pleasure of its extraordinary essence of life.
How do I teach myself? How do I teach all of us to turn the mirror around and instead of seeing what is lacking through some small thimble of controlled negative dialogue, teach myself and others to see what it is, who it is that I bring to the equation just be being present. Just by showing up. Hmm? How do we accomplish this extraordinary reversal of fortune and restore ourselves to our own lives?
Personally for me it is all right here in the Kung Fu Panda. Thank you very much DreamWorks Animation. I just have to believe that I already have the eyes to see it, that I already have the ability to be whatever it is that I see or understand. Then I simply have to get up and get on with it. With me. No need to be God, or have a degree, or be able to write a masterpiece, do 183 asanas perfectly, or even go on a successful blind date. I just have to get up and be me. Every moment of every day trusting that I am already capable of finding my Way, enjoying what I choose to take on as a discipline or discard as not my cup of tea; as long as I do not leave me behind as I make my way through my own day, my own present presence I will be more than ok. I will be more than enough. I will be, I am my own dragon warrior.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
I'd rather eat bean buns
Good morning Relatives
its super cold today yet the sky is so present in the crispness I was able to see the evening and the morning star both in the past twelve hours so clear and present
I'm working on the writing of the Kung Fu panda interpretation? the teachings that I see in it and in doing so of course I am getting a great education
its funny how once we clean our glasses the world does have a different focus doesn't it? and it is also funny how what we are working on in ourselves is so immediately relevant to what is next
I received an email from a good acquaintance and it had a link in it to a pod cast by two well respected folks that was titled "The Inner Life of Rebellion"
you know how it is that in the first five minutes that you spend with someone you find out not only how they treat themselves but how as a result of how violent or not they are willing to be to themselves reflexively how violent they are willing to be with you or you can replace violence with any other adjective or verb as you like but the first five minutes like a title to a talk are very telling
out of respect for the elder that sent me the link I am looking at this talk
so before I even listened to the pod cast I reflected on the title
which may seem abrupt to some but the title of something is in fact a big summary of the core of the media
so I hope you enjoy
its super cold today yet the sky is so present in the crispness I was able to see the evening and the morning star both in the past twelve hours so clear and present
I'm working on the writing of the Kung Fu panda interpretation? the teachings that I see in it and in doing so of course I am getting a great education
its funny how once we clean our glasses the world does have a different focus doesn't it? and it is also funny how what we are working on in ourselves is so immediately relevant to what is next
I received an email from a good acquaintance and it had a link in it to a pod cast by two well respected folks that was titled "The Inner Life of Rebellion"
you know how it is that in the first five minutes that you spend with someone you find out not only how they treat themselves but how as a result of how violent or not they are willing to be to themselves reflexively how violent they are willing to be with you or you can replace violence with any other adjective or verb as you like but the first five minutes like a title to a talk are very telling
out of respect for the elder that sent me the link I am looking at this talk
so before I even listened to the pod cast I reflected on the title
which may seem abrupt to some but the title of something is in fact a big summary of the core of the media
so I hope you enjoy
First reflection I am not rebelling I am restoring myself to my inner focus while staying fully engaged and present in my life
the wheel that turns me is not outside but within and it turns on this planet and through me and the water that passes through me with each breath and each word and each thought there is no violence in me nor will I allow the movement of violence to go through me as if I am here to be its filter
rather I begin and end with neither the idea of a closed system or the thought that it has to have a ruling party
when we step into the arena of either- or, we have already lost and become prey to the illusion of control
the use of the word rebelling is to assume an antagonistic stance or demeanor a power play it assumes that I must either attack or defend something that at best can hold my attention only long enough for me to be destroyed by it
remember the panda does not chew on the fist of his foe
remember the only foe the panda faces is the one inside of himself himself
rebelling means that there is acquiescence to the idea, the concept that there is a power source outside of me that has right to lay claim to me
which is false
chewing on that fist will only distract and deplete me and put my foe in charge of my Effort
if I take the idea that I must be or am rebellion into my mouth and chew on it, then I have already conceded that I am not available to me. This is chewing on the fist of the illusion of control and giving my center over to that which is not real
I would rather eat bean buns
thank you for the conversation
best
mary
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Winter wonder land
Good morning Relatives
Its windy here in Pipestone the wind is literally howling down the chimney its quite something to stand out on the snow while the dogs have their morning constitutional and have the wind clean off every wisp of the past
of course its quite cold out but somehow it feels really refreshing first thing in the morning I always think of Ben Franklin and his daily air baths today the moon is still up not full any longer already waning as the world comes between herself and her light so where does that light shine when it is not shining on us ?
I'm waiting on the tea to brew to take the dogs back out in the morning just for a bit they are really good dogs especially this time of year when we have runs of days when it is too cold to be out more than one or two minutes and inside they spend only a small portion of the day off and on playing then its in their crates to meditate while I am either at the doctor, the library or resting they are learning to be still when they are not in their crates which is nice
there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about in the winter there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about at all.
one thing that my injuries brought into my life is the experience of being connected in a way that I was not previously previously I think my heart and my mind and my body and my effort were all disconnected like worker bees that belonged to the same colony then my Dantian woke up and took over which is amazing and wonderful but very different it means that the parts of me that worked so diligently separately now tax one another leaving me as a whole rather depleted I am only just learning not to deplete my self nor to channel or flush all that I have into one effort as if the balance in my life did not matter or was infinitely recoverable perhaps it is but when one thing drains me to the point of circling the drain there is something I am not paying attention to about why I am allowing that or seeking it? perhaps
I do know that I have no more tolerance for trauma and what is funny is that i have discovered that I actually have no responsibility to tolerate trauma another thing from my primary education discarded yea maybe I can take that vacation now and actually go and enjoy the beach
winter sounds are different than summer sounds especially winter sounds in town
here the snow plows begin their work at 4am so if there are going to be owls visiting and I have any chance of hearing them in the night it has to be before the plows begin
I prefer the sounds of the woods of the water running of the leaves on the trees or the mammals moving about or the wind like today the wind is flexing its muscles against any and all that stand in its way
the other night I went out to get wood from the lean-to and discovered that the pheasant that I had watched walk around the yard while I was writing that day had decided to roost in the rafters of the shed the explosion of pheasant and dog that was my companion in that tiny space in the dark was so amazing so much surprise and fear and force coming from the pheasant so much alert protectiveness from the dog and me standing still listening holding the wood simply making sure I didn't do anything that would cause me to fall
thats it isn't it what the winter can be about learning to stand still and not fall learning not to leap out in fear, or protectiveness, or service, or what ever learning to not take hold of the fist of the illusion of control learning to stop seeking for some kind of input that will entertain me or distract me but rather to find the part in me like when the wind meets my skin in the morning that part of me that perceives it as excellent to be able to find that part in me no matter what is happening with the wind or the moon or the body I wear
I have reached the end of something inside of me this year the end of debating how to or why or what or which
my writing will change because of it but the thing is that I think Ive had enough of those kinds of conversations I would like to go forward to just playing I think to enjoying what I have learned and fought hard with myself and others to become I think its enough struggling for me
I've never been much of one for drivel or talking about stuff that is simply the repeat of someone else trauma or disappointment or listening to someone trash their family their boss or their whoever it is just a waste of now to dredge up and vomit all over me and then I have to go and clean off and start over
what good is it to think or perpetrate that that kind of standing around and letting oneself be assaulted by someone else's displeasure at their own life or their frustration built on a high emotion rather than a frustration at actually really trying to work something out and not yet making the corner so they keep slamming into the wall of their own blind spot
we all have blind spots and we ram into them or use them to run someone else over
until the day comes where we think oh you know Im tired of that and we stop and we stand still until we understand what to do next which sometimes takes a very long winter to find
now i think its time for me to learn how to have the moment as it self without dragging conversation about the past into it or allowing someone to fill my moment with their waste products I think its time to actually learn what is worth having a conversation about and may be if there is nothing to chat about to be perfectly ok with no sound no harmony no music blaring all the time no tv no story running no plans about the future or assessment of whatever
maybe the sound between myself and others can be discovered and enjoyed without what I used to fill it with I don't know Ill have to find someone who can understand that without me teaching it to them and then they will have to choose it like I did. they will have to choose it because of them and what comes from it not because of me
have a good day relatives tomorrow it won't exist
mb
Its windy here in Pipestone the wind is literally howling down the chimney its quite something to stand out on the snow while the dogs have their morning constitutional and have the wind clean off every wisp of the past
of course its quite cold out but somehow it feels really refreshing first thing in the morning I always think of Ben Franklin and his daily air baths today the moon is still up not full any longer already waning as the world comes between herself and her light so where does that light shine when it is not shining on us ?
I'm waiting on the tea to brew to take the dogs back out in the morning just for a bit they are really good dogs especially this time of year when we have runs of days when it is too cold to be out more than one or two minutes and inside they spend only a small portion of the day off and on playing then its in their crates to meditate while I am either at the doctor, the library or resting they are learning to be still when they are not in their crates which is nice
there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about in the winter there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about at all.
one thing that my injuries brought into my life is the experience of being connected in a way that I was not previously previously I think my heart and my mind and my body and my effort were all disconnected like worker bees that belonged to the same colony then my Dantian woke up and took over which is amazing and wonderful but very different it means that the parts of me that worked so diligently separately now tax one another leaving me as a whole rather depleted I am only just learning not to deplete my self nor to channel or flush all that I have into one effort as if the balance in my life did not matter or was infinitely recoverable perhaps it is but when one thing drains me to the point of circling the drain there is something I am not paying attention to about why I am allowing that or seeking it? perhaps
I do know that I have no more tolerance for trauma and what is funny is that i have discovered that I actually have no responsibility to tolerate trauma another thing from my primary education discarded yea maybe I can take that vacation now and actually go and enjoy the beach
winter sounds are different than summer sounds especially winter sounds in town
here the snow plows begin their work at 4am so if there are going to be owls visiting and I have any chance of hearing them in the night it has to be before the plows begin
I prefer the sounds of the woods of the water running of the leaves on the trees or the mammals moving about or the wind like today the wind is flexing its muscles against any and all that stand in its way
the other night I went out to get wood from the lean-to and discovered that the pheasant that I had watched walk around the yard while I was writing that day had decided to roost in the rafters of the shed the explosion of pheasant and dog that was my companion in that tiny space in the dark was so amazing so much surprise and fear and force coming from the pheasant so much alert protectiveness from the dog and me standing still listening holding the wood simply making sure I didn't do anything that would cause me to fall
thats it isn't it what the winter can be about learning to stand still and not fall learning not to leap out in fear, or protectiveness, or service, or what ever learning to not take hold of the fist of the illusion of control learning to stop seeking for some kind of input that will entertain me or distract me but rather to find the part in me like when the wind meets my skin in the morning that part of me that perceives it as excellent to be able to find that part in me no matter what is happening with the wind or the moon or the body I wear
I have reached the end of something inside of me this year the end of debating how to or why or what or which
my writing will change because of it but the thing is that I think Ive had enough of those kinds of conversations I would like to go forward to just playing I think to enjoying what I have learned and fought hard with myself and others to become I think its enough struggling for me
I've never been much of one for drivel or talking about stuff that is simply the repeat of someone else trauma or disappointment or listening to someone trash their family their boss or their whoever it is just a waste of now to dredge up and vomit all over me and then I have to go and clean off and start over
what good is it to think or perpetrate that that kind of standing around and letting oneself be assaulted by someone else's displeasure at their own life or their frustration built on a high emotion rather than a frustration at actually really trying to work something out and not yet making the corner so they keep slamming into the wall of their own blind spot
we all have blind spots and we ram into them or use them to run someone else over
until the day comes where we think oh you know Im tired of that and we stop and we stand still until we understand what to do next which sometimes takes a very long winter to find
now i think its time for me to learn how to have the moment as it self without dragging conversation about the past into it or allowing someone to fill my moment with their waste products I think its time to actually learn what is worth having a conversation about and may be if there is nothing to chat about to be perfectly ok with no sound no harmony no music blaring all the time no tv no story running no plans about the future or assessment of whatever
maybe the sound between myself and others can be discovered and enjoyed without what I used to fill it with I don't know Ill have to find someone who can understand that without me teaching it to them and then they will have to choose it like I did. they will have to choose it because of them and what comes from it not because of me
have a good day relatives tomorrow it won't exist
mb
Monday, December 8, 2014
Don't Go Wasting Your Emoticons; Save All Your Love for Wee
Good Morning Relatives
there is an ABBA song from Mamma Mia running through my head
what an exciting year this has been it is full of Wee moments that open and blossom like a sea of Lotus
yesterday I was finding my way through the idea of violence and how it is that I am so very amazingly discovering who I AM by finding in me the ME that I don't want to be and then remembering the me that is not her and being that me its like imprinting it is like weaving back and forth through a mirror without looking back
In relationship in communion and intimacy with another I am finding that my first relationship is with The Beloved who at first was presented as someone outside of me i.e. they were supposed to be my Beloved, and me their Beloved as someone outside of them
but I think that is not so not at first I think that at first I must find the Beloved in me My Beloved The One who will not be moved away from me by the reality of me no matter who that me is
and lets face it not all of us want to live where it can be -30 with a strong North wind and some of us no matter how good we get along with each other just have a path that takes us along a different route
but today we are in the same coffee shop reflecting on this wee moment and sharing our journey thus far
so Back to the wee moment of realizing who in fact My Beloved is
I have never left me, I have avoided me like the plague at times, and hated me, and despised me, and fooled me, and pretended like I didn't exist, or that I wasn't actually out with me when cooler folks showed up, and I have done all kinds of unimaginable and imaginable good and bad things to me, but I have never left me relatives. that mirror of me looking at me is as close as it always was the moment I came into this reality... My Beloved, is that not ME/THEE with Thy/Myself ? Is not my first relationship with myself truly?
and when I have fear in relationship and act to avoid what ever that fear conjures up like a djinni out of the bottle of imaginary hurts and losses, am I not being, by my act of changing me to suit the djinni, violent with me? And if I am willing to be violent with me relatives then am I not willing to be violent with you? So you see, in the wee moment, I must turn to me and see me, and make the choice not to be violent, but to be The Beloved, to see myself as The Beloved that I AM.
I am discovering relatives despite all the self help books that I have not read so far and a few that I have, that I have been violent with me about you. why because I am discovering that I have been violent with me. who would have thought .
In the wee moments of freindship, of encounter with another human being; there is a difference in the conscious act of holding back that which is not said, that which is private but true and stays true and private; and in the decision and action of holding back that which is true so that I can present that which is not true or that which is false, and thus, in doing so "try" for a more favorable outcome in the encounter for me. that is me manipulating me and thinking less of you that is self violence and probably a thousand other things that Froid or Young or Madame Cure you and me would be able to identify.
that means that in that moment I have chained me up somewhere inside of me and presented to you and the world around me a me that is not me, and when I make me show up as not me out under the threat of whatever it is, when i agree to do that, it is me being violent with me. and if i am willing to be violent with me relatives, you can be sure that I am willing to be violent with you.
a simpler way to say that is to say that some things are private and some things are timely and somethings are deceptions and we /I always know the difference . don't we? and when we step out thinking that we will not be transparent only until we feel safe we have already shown up as someone who is not ourselves and in her presence we will never be safe because she is not based on trust, on love, on confidence, on acceptance, on steady feet filled with the strength of our own true Beloved self.
Are we not first and foremost violent with ourselves long before we are to another who is outside of me/us? yes I think we are because I think that some of us are raging inside and rather than come face to face with whatever it is or was that we wanted that we did not get and let that go, we want to make the world around us pay for that loss and we are willing to do anything to make that happen even change, crush, destroy ourselves to get that bottomless cup filled.
that is one of the millions of scars, of wounds, that lie behind that faux face we choose to put on. That scar never fades, that wound,never heals, as long as we continue to hold it dear and chain ourselves up to its memory and force the world around us to dance to its toon
Thus in looking at this we find one of the keys to inner peace, to becoming, and deciding to consciously live, with The Beloved. We find the willingness to look into our own eyes and see what pains us without letting it rule us, without letting it hurt us, without letting it change our world into something that is inauthentic and begun on the premise of the self violent act of not accepting ourself as we are and of being afraid to ask our world to accept us as we are, afraid enough to take our own life and diminish or eradicate it rather than risk exposing our fear for the djinni smoke that it is.
In relationship the fear of sharing of communing of being transparent is it not rooted in something that I am myself afraid of losing or encountering if I am honest first with me and then outloud with you?
when we experience the threat of loss and try to deflect it by withholding or withdrawing, we are using the manipulation of our own authenticity to present a faux face of cooperation so that we may increase our chances of favorable participation in a relationship with someone or something, it is a primal act of violence towards ourselves. we have threatened our own self with our own fear, or greed, or illusion whatever it may be. and that threat no matter how subtle ends our transparency and our opportunity for success and freedom
a threat is a threat is a threat and violence always begins with stepping into a supposition and then escalating it into reality
so when I am afraid of expressing me to me or to anyone outside of me at the root of that avoidance, is my own violence my own threat of loss my own threat of causing pain or experiencing pain as a result of........ at my own hand
and so I train myself or did to avoid what is true or transparent about me thinking that if I avoid that threatened thing then I am avoiding / saving myself from something I have imagined and decided about you or the world around me
so the first step is to acknowledge that the only way that I would know that I am lying to you by not being me is that I already know that I know me already and I can't bear the thought of sharing me with you.
I cannot escape my Beloved, I can turn my back on her, I can ignore her but I cannot eradicate her.
She is Me
Because of her I cannot but be transparent with me My Beloved
I can pretend that I am NOT ME,
but the only way that I can avoid being me with you is if I already know who I am and I have decided to act on that fear of letting you know the real me therefore: it is impossible to not be transparent with me. so you see the hard part is over before we begin.
it is to see that I exist even when I don't want to and to also see that that part of me that is ineradicable is the part of me that loves me evermore that part of me is my Beloved
the next step is to admit that the only way to be safe in the inner or outer world is to exist as my transparent authentic Beloved Self, as me in the presence of my Beloved ,I am never alone or unloved in any world, and if those whom I am around are truly NOT safe for me then pretending anything other than that the smart thing to do is to get away from them is also me being violent with me staying with violence out of fear of violence is self violence.
which means that if I am not brave enough to be my transparent self transparently with you, then either I am trying to manipulate you, or my environment (which tells you something about me), or I am operating on the assumption, the judgement, that you will judge me, or perhaps the already knowledge (which is different than judgement) that you are indeed dangerous to me [( which simply may mean that you prefer that I not show up as me) that is the second most dangerous relationship, the first being if I am that way to me]. It means that I am behaving in your and my relating as if you have an agenda towards me and that that agenda is what fuels our interaction and without that agenda being met or satisfied then the relating between us would end, change, cease and desist, or something
and that would be perceived as a loss, or pain full for me
why
why a loss if the parties I am partying with require me / if I am to be part of their party/ to be something other than what I am ? if that is so, then they do not want me there in the first place. If that is so, and what they want is what they want and they are seeing if I am ready willing and able to fit the bill, then what am I doing?
Lucky for me I was never a Bill I was always a Mary
so when I look at you and see in me the need, the desire, the want, the impetus from me to harm me so that I can or might be in your good graces, or conversely out from under what I already know to be your evil eye, I am being violent with me and in doing so I am giving you and the rest of the world permission to also be violent with me because I have already begun any interaction with me at the core of me with the violent act of threatening myself that the world will be less; my world will be less, my world will be painful or awful or unbearable if I am in it.
How crazy is that ? somewhere inside of me in the past and on less and less occasion in the present, I threaten me with pain, dismemberment, horrible difficulties; it's like a nightmare house of horrors that are self inflicted if I don't behave according to what I think is outside of me according to what my fears are deciding for me
[All the while my Beloved Self is jumping up and down singing, "Take a Chance on Me! Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Chance, Chance!"]
so what is worse actually losing a relationship that is not interested in me/you to begin with? I know I know everyone wants to be wanted me also and many of us have invested years, decades really in this faux connection [don't you think we have lived in the djinni bottle long enough?] and at heart we are so used to letting our own fear chase us through and out of our own house
but I assure you I guarantee that if you stand for you and don't sell yourself for less if you find you and not be all inner child huggie and loveydovey but rather say Hey I know you and I like you and you are me and hey after all this time you are still here. Huh whats that? You promise to bear whatever pain comes through the illusion of consequence and dispel it with a wave of the wand of The Beloved well who could not go for that and what as a consequence those who are also of the Beloved of Themselves will also be brave and transparent with me and we will actually have created and live in a world that is made of authenticity and trust
its a simple thing really to find ourselves we simply have to look don't be afraid there is no one there who doesn't already love you totally and know you totally in all your old style fit the Bill-ness there is no judgement and no dues to pay and no going back
just the gentle standing with you/me as wee are and saying ok yeah I can see why you might think that but lets try our life without that lets try our life as us as something that is not fearful or bent on revenge or holding on to whatever or needing recompense or blah blah blah
lets just everytime we feel that threat of needing to be non transparent, call a spade a spade and dig into our own supposition and get to the root of it, not in a messy past life way, but simply,
I am afraid I am going to lose our friendship if I show up as me and in saying that simple thing I admit that I think less of you and I am sorry for that and I was for a wee moment willing, thinking about, considering not showing up as the real me
so
think wee can do that relatives I think so no need to be whoo-hooey or rash or bold just take a wee moment and look that emoticon in the face and see its heart and Take a Chance
accept that you/I am a being that needs a Beloved and then ta-da be The Beloved you always wanted
love ya
mean it
mb
there is an ABBA song from Mamma Mia running through my head
what an exciting year this has been it is full of Wee moments that open and blossom like a sea of Lotus
yesterday I was finding my way through the idea of violence and how it is that I am so very amazingly discovering who I AM by finding in me the ME that I don't want to be and then remembering the me that is not her and being that me its like imprinting it is like weaving back and forth through a mirror without looking back
In relationship in communion and intimacy with another I am finding that my first relationship is with The Beloved who at first was presented as someone outside of me i.e. they were supposed to be my Beloved, and me their Beloved as someone outside of them
but I think that is not so not at first I think that at first I must find the Beloved in me My Beloved The One who will not be moved away from me by the reality of me no matter who that me is
and lets face it not all of us want to live where it can be -30 with a strong North wind and some of us no matter how good we get along with each other just have a path that takes us along a different route
but today we are in the same coffee shop reflecting on this wee moment and sharing our journey thus far
so Back to the wee moment of realizing who in fact My Beloved is
I have never left me, I have avoided me like the plague at times, and hated me, and despised me, and fooled me, and pretended like I didn't exist, or that I wasn't actually out with me when cooler folks showed up, and I have done all kinds of unimaginable and imaginable good and bad things to me, but I have never left me relatives. that mirror of me looking at me is as close as it always was the moment I came into this reality... My Beloved, is that not ME/THEE with Thy/Myself ? Is not my first relationship with myself truly?
and when I have fear in relationship and act to avoid what ever that fear conjures up like a djinni out of the bottle of imaginary hurts and losses, am I not being, by my act of changing me to suit the djinni, violent with me? And if I am willing to be violent with me relatives then am I not willing to be violent with you? So you see, in the wee moment, I must turn to me and see me, and make the choice not to be violent, but to be The Beloved, to see myself as The Beloved that I AM.
I am discovering relatives despite all the self help books that I have not read so far and a few that I have, that I have been violent with me about you. why because I am discovering that I have been violent with me. who would have thought .
In the wee moments of freindship, of encounter with another human being; there is a difference in the conscious act of holding back that which is not said, that which is private but true and stays true and private; and in the decision and action of holding back that which is true so that I can present that which is not true or that which is false, and thus, in doing so "try" for a more favorable outcome in the encounter for me. that is me manipulating me and thinking less of you that is self violence and probably a thousand other things that Froid or Young or Madame Cure you and me would be able to identify.
that means that in that moment I have chained me up somewhere inside of me and presented to you and the world around me a me that is not me, and when I make me show up as not me out under the threat of whatever it is, when i agree to do that, it is me being violent with me. and if i am willing to be violent with me relatives, you can be sure that I am willing to be violent with you.
a simpler way to say that is to say that some things are private and some things are timely and somethings are deceptions and we /I always know the difference . don't we? and when we step out thinking that we will not be transparent only until we feel safe we have already shown up as someone who is not ourselves and in her presence we will never be safe because she is not based on trust, on love, on confidence, on acceptance, on steady feet filled with the strength of our own true Beloved self.
Are we not first and foremost violent with ourselves long before we are to another who is outside of me/us? yes I think we are because I think that some of us are raging inside and rather than come face to face with whatever it is or was that we wanted that we did not get and let that go, we want to make the world around us pay for that loss and we are willing to do anything to make that happen even change, crush, destroy ourselves to get that bottomless cup filled.
that is one of the millions of scars, of wounds, that lie behind that faux face we choose to put on. That scar never fades, that wound,never heals, as long as we continue to hold it dear and chain ourselves up to its memory and force the world around us to dance to its toon
Thus in looking at this we find one of the keys to inner peace, to becoming, and deciding to consciously live, with The Beloved. We find the willingness to look into our own eyes and see what pains us without letting it rule us, without letting it hurt us, without letting it change our world into something that is inauthentic and begun on the premise of the self violent act of not accepting ourself as we are and of being afraid to ask our world to accept us as we are, afraid enough to take our own life and diminish or eradicate it rather than risk exposing our fear for the djinni smoke that it is.
In relationship the fear of sharing of communing of being transparent is it not rooted in something that I am myself afraid of losing or encountering if I am honest first with me and then outloud with you?
when we experience the threat of loss and try to deflect it by withholding or withdrawing, we are using the manipulation of our own authenticity to present a faux face of cooperation so that we may increase our chances of favorable participation in a relationship with someone or something, it is a primal act of violence towards ourselves. we have threatened our own self with our own fear, or greed, or illusion whatever it may be. and that threat no matter how subtle ends our transparency and our opportunity for success and freedom
a threat is a threat is a threat and violence always begins with stepping into a supposition and then escalating it into reality
so when I am afraid of expressing me to me or to anyone outside of me at the root of that avoidance, is my own violence my own threat of loss my own threat of causing pain or experiencing pain as a result of........ at my own hand
and so I train myself or did to avoid what is true or transparent about me thinking that if I avoid that threatened thing then I am avoiding / saving myself from something I have imagined and decided about you or the world around me
so the first step is to acknowledge that the only way that I would know that I am lying to you by not being me is that I already know that I know me already and I can't bear the thought of sharing me with you.
I cannot escape my Beloved, I can turn my back on her, I can ignore her but I cannot eradicate her.
She is Me
Because of her I cannot but be transparent with me My Beloved
I can pretend that I am NOT ME,
but the only way that I can avoid being me with you is if I already know who I am and I have decided to act on that fear of letting you know the real me therefore: it is impossible to not be transparent with me. so you see the hard part is over before we begin.
it is to see that I exist even when I don't want to and to also see that that part of me that is ineradicable is the part of me that loves me evermore that part of me is my Beloved
the next step is to admit that the only way to be safe in the inner or outer world is to exist as my transparent authentic Beloved Self, as me in the presence of my Beloved ,I am never alone or unloved in any world, and if those whom I am around are truly NOT safe for me then pretending anything other than that the smart thing to do is to get away from them is also me being violent with me staying with violence out of fear of violence is self violence.
which means that if I am not brave enough to be my transparent self transparently with you, then either I am trying to manipulate you, or my environment (which tells you something about me), or I am operating on the assumption, the judgement, that you will judge me, or perhaps the already knowledge (which is different than judgement) that you are indeed dangerous to me [( which simply may mean that you prefer that I not show up as me) that is the second most dangerous relationship, the first being if I am that way to me]. It means that I am behaving in your and my relating as if you have an agenda towards me and that that agenda is what fuels our interaction and without that agenda being met or satisfied then the relating between us would end, change, cease and desist, or something
and that would be perceived as a loss, or pain full for me
why
why a loss if the parties I am partying with require me / if I am to be part of their party/ to be something other than what I am ? if that is so, then they do not want me there in the first place. If that is so, and what they want is what they want and they are seeing if I am ready willing and able to fit the bill, then what am I doing?
Lucky for me I was never a Bill I was always a Mary
so when I look at you and see in me the need, the desire, the want, the impetus from me to harm me so that I can or might be in your good graces, or conversely out from under what I already know to be your evil eye, I am being violent with me and in doing so I am giving you and the rest of the world permission to also be violent with me because I have already begun any interaction with me at the core of me with the violent act of threatening myself that the world will be less; my world will be less, my world will be painful or awful or unbearable if I am in it.
How crazy is that ? somewhere inside of me in the past and on less and less occasion in the present, I threaten me with pain, dismemberment, horrible difficulties; it's like a nightmare house of horrors that are self inflicted if I don't behave according to what I think is outside of me according to what my fears are deciding for me
[All the while my Beloved Self is jumping up and down singing, "Take a Chance on Me! Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Take a Chance, Chance, Chance!"]
so what is worse actually losing a relationship that is not interested in me/you to begin with? I know I know everyone wants to be wanted me also and many of us have invested years, decades really in this faux connection [don't you think we have lived in the djinni bottle long enough?] and at heart we are so used to letting our own fear chase us through and out of our own house
but I assure you I guarantee that if you stand for you and don't sell yourself for less if you find you and not be all inner child huggie and loveydovey but rather say Hey I know you and I like you and you are me and hey after all this time you are still here. Huh whats that? You promise to bear whatever pain comes through the illusion of consequence and dispel it with a wave of the wand of The Beloved well who could not go for that and what as a consequence those who are also of the Beloved of Themselves will also be brave and transparent with me and we will actually have created and live in a world that is made of authenticity and trust
its a simple thing really to find ourselves we simply have to look don't be afraid there is no one there who doesn't already love you totally and know you totally in all your old style fit the Bill-ness there is no judgement and no dues to pay and no going back
just the gentle standing with you/me as wee are and saying ok yeah I can see why you might think that but lets try our life without that lets try our life as us as something that is not fearful or bent on revenge or holding on to whatever or needing recompense or blah blah blah
lets just everytime we feel that threat of needing to be non transparent, call a spade a spade and dig into our own supposition and get to the root of it, not in a messy past life way, but simply,
I am afraid I am going to lose our friendship if I show up as me and in saying that simple thing I admit that I think less of you and I am sorry for that and I was for a wee moment willing, thinking about, considering not showing up as the real me
so
think wee can do that relatives I think so no need to be whoo-hooey or rash or bold just take a wee moment and look that emoticon in the face and see its heart and Take a Chance
accept that you/I am a being that needs a Beloved and then ta-da be The Beloved you always wanted
love ya
mean it
mb
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Comfort and Joy
Good Morning Relatives
it's a weird thing isn't it needing to actually discover and learn and then practice new skills if we are going to actually have, allow, and enjoy a world that is different than the one we have walked away from
but there is no other choice is there? I suppose that there is the choice of not doing it but then what would become of all that newborn creativity if we use it to simply recreate what killed us in the first place?
I had a crazy horrible dream about the bank failing and by that I mean THE BANK you know what we all believe in well in my dream it failed kaput bankrupt insolvent
so for me that meant panic not sure about what it would do to you but to me panic then mad really mad sort of in a horrible told you so way awful feeling horrible
and then completely unnerved I was caught in a night mare caught in the past by looking back, my feet no longer flowing in my present which was caught by my eyes and senses and the essence of me that I let turn back. I felt like Lot's wife slowly turning to salt by looking back and admiring the horror of what was foretold actually blossoming and coming true right before my eyes and the backs of those who were fleeing and NOT looking back I didn't want to be salt to be consumed by tears which is how I felt that I was dissolving into tears it was comforting in a horrid crazy death calling way comforting but not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be
what happens when we leave the present for the past ? what happens when we use the past to define our present? a past that we have put to death, that we have sent on its way to it's inevitable demise. we who are used to being steady in now that we believed in to be true and viable. what happens what happens when we try to be in the present when all we can FEEL is the pain of the past ? how do we unfreeze ourselves ?
so what do we use to save kung fu from what defeats kung fu?
we use kung fu
I know that is a little bit mysterious and kungfuy but its way more concise than what is to follow
being caught in the fear and pain and rawness and tears of the past/present I got out of bed
I wanted to be held to be comforted but something in me finally realized that one of the reason I have not been in the position of actually having comfort; hugs, thoughtful hands, chests to hug that are solid and warm and gentle, laughter that gently put you/me back on your/my feet, then teases that help you/me regain your/my steadiness and then trust and love that allows you/me to go on and forward and leave behind what ever it was that was back there
the reason I had not been allowed or to have that was that I did not yet have the skills to make it something that was not the past that was not diseased or insolvent. Life knows that I am not interested in what destroys and I am aware that the subtle start of a downhill path often looks so exactly like the stairs that lead up to heaven, I should have known that opportunity when proffered me was opportunity to change the world, my world, because changing my world, my path, my skill, my actions and application of theory will change my world and changing my world, changing me will most directly and solidly change all of you THAT is kung fu that is NOW a NEW NOW
and up until then when I reached for comfort I didn't really know how to have it in a non dependent creepy biohazard biofeedback horrible way. but what do we know when we look in a mirror we know that the opposite of where we find ourselves exists and because we know that it exists i.e. the opposite of a lie is truth, the opposite of not now is now the opposite of me who is not educated, skilled, confident and joyful, is me that is the me who can receive comfort and give it without myself or the other person being trapped in it or covered in sticky nasty crap meant I had to be different I had to discover and become new skills, but I also had to be engaged with a person or persons who are different as well
no wonder its been a bit bollocksed till now I wasn't at the root of the weed yet hmm one more root rooted out
that revelation did not scare me rather it helped me to see finally the light of the door that I didn't know I needed to open
so now
the whole thing is about learning to have NOW to be now
its back to the exercise of inner peace in kung fu panda 2 letting the past go even if I have just woken up from it s night mare
but not in a oh you didn't happen way Nope that's not it living on the river DeNile is not a good idea either
present in the present with the past as the past but not denied learn new skills
the only thing that would bring me back to NOW was NOW
the only way to have a now that is not the past is to leave the past out of it
the only thing that can save kung fu from what defeats kung fu is kung fu
so getting dressed, letting the dogs out, the cat in, scooping the poop, making coffee, slicing bread for french toast, feeding the dogs, eye meds for stinky, pouring coffee, make the fire all at the same time breathing and feeling my Dantian rather than cutting off my gut and walling off what I came out of (and trust me it was the scariest tunnel of love that Ive ever been in) whew
and now NOW I am I find I am ok wow interesting cool
and exhausting all this doing is so traumatizing I suppose it is better than starting over isn't it?
I can do this I can discover you in the moment without knowing all about your past and you can discover me in the moment without knowing all about my past
we may not have a big moment or know at first go how to have all that it is but I have an idea that will grow and change as our skill develops but first we have to decide to have that skill
first we have to believe
thanx for that
love
mary
it's a weird thing isn't it needing to actually discover and learn and then practice new skills if we are going to actually have, allow, and enjoy a world that is different than the one we have walked away from
but there is no other choice is there? I suppose that there is the choice of not doing it but then what would become of all that newborn creativity if we use it to simply recreate what killed us in the first place?
I had a crazy horrible dream about the bank failing and by that I mean THE BANK you know what we all believe in well in my dream it failed kaput bankrupt insolvent
so for me that meant panic not sure about what it would do to you but to me panic then mad really mad sort of in a horrible told you so way awful feeling horrible
and then completely unnerved I was caught in a night mare caught in the past by looking back, my feet no longer flowing in my present which was caught by my eyes and senses and the essence of me that I let turn back. I felt like Lot's wife slowly turning to salt by looking back and admiring the horror of what was foretold actually blossoming and coming true right before my eyes and the backs of those who were fleeing and NOT looking back I didn't want to be salt to be consumed by tears which is how I felt that I was dissolving into tears it was comforting in a horrid crazy death calling way comforting but not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be
what happens when we leave the present for the past ? what happens when we use the past to define our present? a past that we have put to death, that we have sent on its way to it's inevitable demise. we who are used to being steady in now that we believed in to be true and viable. what happens what happens when we try to be in the present when all we can FEEL is the pain of the past ? how do we unfreeze ourselves ?
so what do we use to save kung fu from what defeats kung fu?
we use kung fu
I know that is a little bit mysterious and kungfuy but its way more concise than what is to follow
being caught in the fear and pain and rawness and tears of the past/present I got out of bed
I wanted to be held to be comforted but something in me finally realized that one of the reason I have not been in the position of actually having comfort; hugs, thoughtful hands, chests to hug that are solid and warm and gentle, laughter that gently put you/me back on your/my feet, then teases that help you/me regain your/my steadiness and then trust and love that allows you/me to go on and forward and leave behind what ever it was that was back there
the reason I had not been allowed or to have that was that I did not yet have the skills to make it something that was not the past that was not diseased or insolvent. Life knows that I am not interested in what destroys and I am aware that the subtle start of a downhill path often looks so exactly like the stairs that lead up to heaven, I should have known that opportunity when proffered me was opportunity to change the world, my world, because changing my world, my path, my skill, my actions and application of theory will change my world and changing my world, changing me will most directly and solidly change all of you THAT is kung fu that is NOW a NEW NOW
and up until then when I reached for comfort I didn't really know how to have it in a non dependent creepy biohazard biofeedback horrible way. but what do we know when we look in a mirror we know that the opposite of where we find ourselves exists and because we know that it exists i.e. the opposite of a lie is truth, the opposite of not now is now the opposite of me who is not educated, skilled, confident and joyful, is me that is the me who can receive comfort and give it without myself or the other person being trapped in it or covered in sticky nasty crap meant I had to be different I had to discover and become new skills, but I also had to be engaged with a person or persons who are different as well
no wonder its been a bit bollocksed till now I wasn't at the root of the weed yet hmm one more root rooted out
that revelation did not scare me rather it helped me to see finally the light of the door that I didn't know I needed to open
the whole thing is about learning to have NOW to be now
its back to the exercise of inner peace in kung fu panda 2 letting the past go even if I have just woken up from it s night mare
but not in a oh you didn't happen way Nope that's not it living on the river DeNile is not a good idea either
present in the present with the past as the past but not denied learn new skills
the only thing that would bring me back to NOW was NOW
the only way to have a now that is not the past is to leave the past out of it
the only thing that can save kung fu from what defeats kung fu is kung fu
so getting dressed, letting the dogs out, the cat in, scooping the poop, making coffee, slicing bread for french toast, feeding the dogs, eye meds for stinky, pouring coffee, make the fire all at the same time breathing and feeling my Dantian rather than cutting off my gut and walling off what I came out of (and trust me it was the scariest tunnel of love that Ive ever been in) whew
and now NOW I am I find I am ok wow interesting cool
and exhausting all this doing is so traumatizing I suppose it is better than starting over isn't it?
I can do this I can discover you in the moment without knowing all about your past and you can discover me in the moment without knowing all about my past
we may not have a big moment or know at first go how to have all that it is but I have an idea that will grow and change as our skill develops but first we have to decide to have that skill
first we have to believe
thanx for that
love
mary
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