good morning Relatives
I have a Friend that i met at Lame Deer that sent me a little solar daisy. it sits on my desk and rocks its head back and forth when the sunlight comes through the window in just the right way
I think of her laughter in the morning and I think of her work and her chi that is so strong and so full of joy and I am grateful that she knew to give me a plant a flower that i don't have to care for but will in all of its mechanicalness care for me waste' my Freind, Nina waste' Wopila, pilamayaye my tiospiye
that daisy rocking back and forth reminds me of two things one that the light will come again and strike me when I need it and the dark will give me rest when I need that as long as I don't forget the light will come again and to rest when I am in the dark holding on like the yin yang the little center of light that is at the core of the dark.
I also think about the lilies in the field if i concentrate simply on being me rather than what the world can be for me or what I can be for it then I will like the daisy already have around and in and through me everything that creator knew was important that that daisy needed to sprout, grow, blossom, seed and eventually die
it is when I think that I am going to affect what is growing around me positively or negatively that I transform from that little daisy into a noxious weed. we don't have the right to decide what another chooses to do or become from that little wave of white petals and yellow center can open up in them
their need to sprout and become what they will is up to them and how they choose to apply their own birthright
I believe I am in the seeding stage of my life I always wanted to live to be 200 it seemed like a nice number so what I know is that plants can seed year after year and continue to grow and in the season of appropriate time blossom again and again until the time comes that Tacucnasncan has already set in motion on the great weavers loom when that little blossoming and growing and flowering life is time to be compost
I look forward to compost in a way it is a good time to rest I think
all daises are beautiful all give with those happy little upturned faces the reflection of what is in their heart. because they were made that way and because to the balance of the meadow and the rain and the sun and the bugs and the earth they are irreplaceable in their little place being what they are
they don't try to take over the meadow and they don't try to be red or blue that is without some well intentioned profiteering peeking duck peddling do-gooder dying them that is
but one day they die all of us will release our bodies like beautiful clay suits stepped out of with care and gratefulness and dropping them to the ground like worn out but much loved jeans and we will be free to ???
there is a difficulty in understanding doing work and letting go of the consequences not looking back
not making judgement or decision about what is done with what cannot be undone
I have wondered since i was a little girl about Lot's family. the story of Lot and the city of Sodom and Gomorrah and the women that looked back what I have wondered about in that story is what does the pillar of salt mean? why salt?
it cannot be undone when our bonds are loosened that restrained us from doing harm to others
who is to say that when a teaching or a thought that loosens us from what was keeping us stuck or held back propels us into our own sense of power, release, freedom, ego ???? perhaps it propels us into actions that the little bond that was keeping us from acting knew would take our lives or the life of another. so perhaps learning what ever it was that opened that gate is not so good after all
freedom comes with consequences and ego is at times the tightrope that promises safety or love or a better world or nicer daisies if we just don't take the plunge back in to the fearful free fall of unknowing and land back like a drowning beginner in the raging force of life
I believe that every first grade teacher or high school science teacher has wondered at some time if they face the thought of regret from having taught the ability to read or reason around nuclear molecules or negotiation in debate class. I wonder if the unibombers teachers regret encouraging his mind to open doors. or if his pastor wonders if he should have taught him such fundamentalist reactions to a diverse and beautiful meadow of our world? I wonder if they worry if they are creating monsters when they hear a particular giggle from their students. and should they continue to do so? if the teacher didn't teach would the student make a nuclear bomb?
I remember one night when I was working as an overnight emergency veterinarian so that I could afford to be a resident. a family came in with a small kitten that had suffered head trauma. the father and mother came into the exam room with a little girl she was maybe 5 or 6 years old the son waited out in the waiting area which at the time I took an nanosecond to register. The kitten was almost dead from its injuries and we took it in the back where I did a thorough but efficient examination which unfortunately brought me to the recommendation of putting it to sleep. I kept it on oxygen while I went back to the room and spoke with the parents asking what happened. the mother was uncomfortable, the father very upset not angry but like he was holding back something that he hated, he said to the little girl tell her what happened. I looked at the little girl. she looked me in the eye and with the clear unemotionally registering look of a sociopath said to me I threw it in the air and let it fall. I kept looking at her and said how many times? after describing for me with the same emotionless pleasant look on her face how she threw the kitten up in the air over and over watching it fall from different heights she finally said I just wanted to see what would happen. I looked at her for a long time or what seemed to be and finally said well I need to talk to your mom and dad for a minute can you wait with your brother? so I told her parents that the kitten needed to be put to sleep and that the best I could offer was to keep the daughter from seeing that death administered legally. that it would have to be put to sleep was not the question the question was what did I do at that point about the little girl and what were they going to do about her
most people think that animals are brought to us veterinarians so that we can fix them. the truth is that the animals bring the owners to us so that we can fix Them. I told the parents that I had never seen a human being like their daughter and that it was very important that they listen. I asked about other pets and they said that she had had other pets but that they had also died. I told them right there that I believed their daughter was not well and that they needed to take her in immediately for evaluation because I did not think that either their family or our greater family of beings would be safe from her if this could not be addressed. and I told them that on no certain circumstance should she be allowed animals or have a pet.
needless to say I have never had that conversation since or before. and it took all I had in that 5 minute window to listen to and trust my guts the father immediately was relieved and said to his wife I knew that we needed to do something about her the mother was in full protective of her little cub mode. it was straight out of a horror movie where the mother is the protector sent to protect the creepy demon child. we spoke for what seemed quite a while and I finished the case and they left
I dont know what happened to that family or that little girl the kitten's sacrifice I have never forgotten
I made sure that on the records not my name or any of my coworkers were listed I did not charge them any money for the visit so there was no bill or information that they took home about us
after they left I wiped the air and my self from being accessed by that girl
I did not want her to remember my name so I eliminated hers from me
I think it is the only time in my life that I was in a room where the parents were terrified of a child.
I have thought about the ego of compassion for some time now it took a while to find its name I have seen it show up around me multiple times and gone over and over what is my role in creating it and what is my role in not creating it I don't think I am that powerful is the first layer of ego shedding the second of course is that we cannot change anyone but ourselves, the third is that when we do good it is ok and when we do bad it is not and that we can tell the difference, the forth is that doing anything for someone else can be worth it, the fifth is that I can give it over to god whoever god is and thus wash my hands of my action or attitude or effect on my world. ego can change shape like a chameleon on crack.
as much as I have studied and tried to eliminate ego, like water or gas in a vacuum ego still was filling the space that I made for it somehow in my world. for a while now I have known that I had to locate the door or crack that it was getting into that I was allowing and close that door forever its has been a long trail with way too many casualties ego is crafty
the latest breakthrough was about compassion helping someone help themselves
should I ? then what? what if I make the wrong move? what if I create or unleash a monster? what will they do now that they are free? by hearing in my head just those questions alone told me that ego was already in the room maybe not in charge but ready to take it. then I looked back at the source of my motivation the taiji
and I found compassion I found ego hiding behind compassion like a little lost old friend
Krisnamurti said to do our work and not look back like Lot and his wife and I remembered the salt
don't look back no salt look back salt
finding out about not looking back had to begin again with looking at why do the work at all why do the work why be what I am
if IAM then that is Wuxi everything and nothing
if I begin the intention of any thing that is taiji the beginning thought/ inertia/ movement that disrupts wuxi
what initiates taiji relatives?
nature
the force of the shoot pushing the mud aside to get to the light?
I definitely don't think Im better than those little green shoots I have a nature and I do follow it but I also have added discernment at least I hope I have and I do trust after many long years my heart
if I do taiji then I have changed everything and nothing because I have put it into motion
if I proceed to yin yang then I have moved that inertia into solid form in this world action and inaction up down right wrong black white it is inescapable
it is the yin yang that solidly cooks the goose of the one who ganders in good or bad action either one
so a taiji master never goes to yin yang although I have heard they really like to duck peeking
moving into yin yang is looking back its peeking
Lots wife looked back
it is compassion I believe that caused Lots wife to look back
I dont think, like I was taught in bible sunday school, that she was looking back because she wanted the greed or degradation she was leaving behind
you see it was too soon after she left that she would have turned her head because she was missing things that she and her husband and family already knew were pleasures but not worth selling out for not worth dying for they had already demonstrated their faith with the angels while they were in town surrounded by all that stuff so I never believed she was looking back because she didn't want to leave it behind
I think the preachers got it wrong I think they used that story as an opportunity to further their agenda about evil and good and their ability to direct us in its recognition and if we pay them to think for us and pay them to save us from it they will guarantee our salvation if we put them in charge of our lives sounds like the pleasure of S&G doesn't it all over selling your soul or your integrity for the temporal pleasure of not having to be responsible for an eternal answer. I think they have used Lots wife like a whore for a really long time those preachers
I think they missed the point of this woman
I think she looked back because she had compassion for those whom she knew to be human beings that were being burned alive
those who she laughed with in the market those who's children she had helped teach and watch grow her friends her neighbors
for all the crud that Sodom and Gomorrah had in it and the story tells us that it had a critical mass of it, inside of it still ,like yin yang in all that black there was a core of white
I think the compassion for the loss of them to their choices for what ever reason they made them: children who had no idea what was going on wives who would not leave their families husbands who were afraid animals that were innocents young people who were in love all the ones who either did not know about the choice, or had not studied choice, really studied the consequences fully of their actions I think that of some of those people Lots wife knew and loved them and the compassion in her heart made her turn back and look to see if they were following her example
and she died
she turned into a pillar of salt
something that can be of use as a seasoning or healing or something that can also dehydrate or desiccate a living cell lots wife became the salt of the earth
and what do you think that means? think Ill think on that for the next year or two
but mostly she got stuck she was a pillar an unmovable thing caught between following her heart out of what she knew was coming and looking back with great compassion one last time at friends that she would never see again looking back at their pain and the consequences of their actions after they had been enlightened of a new choice that up until then had never existed in the reality of their minds
In my life of limited lately but pretty thorough early exposure to those who tell the story of Lot and his wife and after all it is a moral story I have never heard anyone talk about the heart of a woman
how it is the compassion of a woman's heart and hands that makes her act time and again in a situation that may eventually breed a death row killer or even someone who just simply wants it all their way for once in the smallest ego squish of someone else's right to be, it is that heart in her that makes her turn back to see if her action is being followed the way she hoped it would
they do say to abandon hope
I wonder if they were thinking of lots wife
you see maybe she thought that one person someone she really loved with whom she had shared her convictions and visions and light to light the way so that they could be free maybe she looked back to see if that enlightenment that she so willing gave because that was who she was caused them at the last minute to leave also maybe she was looking back to see the results of her actions that were directed by love and compassion
or perhaps she was looking back because in her minds eye she was grieving the loss of all her hand work all the effort she put into making her house a home all the evidence of love that she was leaving behind
it is easy to stand in the pulpit or on the street and judge her for being materialistic but I don't think it was the materials she was looking back to see but the love and the compassion all the love she invested in her life there
all of that love was going up in flames
compassion is the taiji that takes wuxi from itself into yin yang
because if we have compassion then we usually act I believe it is an active word? com - passion means literally to "suffer with" isn't that active and isn't action movement and doesn't something in motion stay in motion ? it is th e-motion of com-passion that pushes us along with lots wife into yin yang
in yin yang the product of that motion cannot be controlled if what comes from the manifestation of taiji is black or white good or bad it truly cannot be controlled
so when one has compassion should one never move?
does a teacher or a guide never light the way or go on ahead to prepare for those who are coming? do we not become the daisy that we are ?
do we sit like seeds in the ground and rot ?
this is where what I call the ego of compassion takes us away ultimately from tai ji and wuxi
into yin yang
because stopping is also movement it is also doing
and doing remember makes things concrete makes them manifest in this world
that is when ego tries to take over
thinking I can control the outcome
thinking it needs to be controlled
needing to look back to see what became of my work
thinking that it is mine
thinking that it should "work"
thinking that if we do or do not that we are doing or not doing so that we affect someone else
I told you ego was tough and why does it matter? all this kung fu
because of ego and the cost it takes out of us and our world it burns down our house and turns us to salt
I think the temptation to look back is much more complex than the easy explanation of a whore or a materialistic centered woman sorry preachers
much more complex
and much harder to come to understand in a heart of compassion is how to keep the taiji but let go of the yin yang and go back to wuxi without turning into salt.
so don't look back relatives
why
because it will put you out of balance and move you from love and compassion and exploration and the tiny little giveaway that simply is part of the daisy growing up;
into the yin yang of ego
and that little peeking duck my friends will kill you and perhaps even those you thought you helped
thank you to the big K wherever he is for teaching me not to look back I finally got it
love ya
mean it
mb
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