thank you for existing thank you for showing up
I want to begin by making a clear and heartfelt thank you to those who have made a contribution to the Project here at the Grandmothers house.
Thank you Those donations are already in the account that the building project funds are drawn from.
Thank you for working for a day for us
Thank you for selling your used books and not buying a coffee
Thank you for giving part of your savings and your retirement
thank you for actually mailing them and following through
May all you give give to you many times over in joy, and excess, and beauty in your heart and your life, and in your family.
Thank you for your generosity and your support
Thank you
We have now officially reached 11% of the goal to pay for the siding on the house. That is wonderful. Once it is done we will continue efforts to raise the funds to pay for the heating system. it is really something to receive a letter in the mail with a few dollars tucked in it, perhaps wrapped with an article on the beauty of the hummingbird, in which I can feel the hand that mailed it and the intention in the donation wrapped and sent with care. Thank you GMa's Thank you. Everyone.
Once I find my pots and pans somewhere in the garage I can cook on the stove. but right now it makes great hot water for tea!
We had a nice day of rain this week. I worked on the foam insulation, covering the inside walls of the kitchen with steel, and sweeping up dust and picking up trash and debris. The guys worked on the siding. They are so very careful and precise with everything. Each piece measured and fitted and cut then applied. It is slow work. Tremendous physical labor. They are cheerful and easy with each other. it is a nice blanket they are wrapping the house in.
Over the last several days when I get to the end of the day I find that I am weeping deeply crying when i make my evening prayers. I have been as one GMa tells me, " wrestling with shadows". I wondered why is that? why are there shadows? So I sat and held the fire as best I could. Watching calling up that fire in Lame Deer to study again and again the movement of the flame, the embers, the pace of the eating of the wood. I let the fear and monkey mind surge up and through even in the middle of the night. Let it come, let it go through watch it like seeing a leaf hurry down a stream. Watch it whip like the snow in a blizzard, threatening cold and the potential for a deep drifting of sorrow or panic. So monkey so mindless so persistent.
So I laid in bed and looked at my assets. Out in public rather than looking at other people and watching them watch others, reading the expressions on thier faces, absorbing stories about thier thoughts and energy exchanges, I looked at the blank wall. That wall was still, it was white, unmarked, blank. It was a peaceful wall willing to reflect back to me peace. so that was an asset. I knew the wind was here. The prairie, the Quarry, The stone. All these things were not like that gnawing. None of them were that and all of them were much stronger and older, and much more powerful than any conjured gruesomeness in my psyche. I knew that what ever was trying to eat me was also trying to eat everyone else. Im not the only person who feels this. Maybe I was feeling part of what others were feeling. Perhaps in Praying for the Cheyenne I had learned that I cannot separate myself from them, I am them they are me, and if I was letting this gnawing in to my night and day, then I was letting it into theirs and that was not acceptable to me. I had to face it and find it and cut off its head.
it took me about three days to try and work out all the fence lines. somehow if I could find the edges of where that feelings didn't exist, then i could begin to get to the core and rip out the weed. One of the things I thought was that perhaps our prayer at night is dislodging negative energy and that like snow it can blow around until it melts or evaporates.
Like a true fear, I couldn't grasp my thoughts and tame them. I couldn't solve all the worries here at the Project nor could I get up in the night and fix everything or work without break until it was done. I knew that was part of what the monkey was trying to tell me I had to do. Be perfect, use my rest time to solve it all, run through conversations I had had with others to try and improve my ???? What?? what what can one change about the water that has already entered the sea? again grasping at the impossible was keeping me from having any sense of the present in my hand. No rest for the wicked!! LOL
so again I laid there and accepted that I did know that gripping in my gut my liver my stomach accepting it took away some of its force. I realized then that I wasn't breathing very deeply. My lack of a deep clear breath meant I was building up a reserve of waste air in my tissues, which meant I was not oxygenating my brain. Well, that was easy to fix. Wonder what kind of thoughts an oxygenated brain thinks? I was cold also, so I got another blanket out, which led to thinking about more deep breaths, and how nice the flannel sheets felt.
Hmm I had just had two minutes of no monkey. bingo!! I told my mind to stop grasping at thoughts just don't grab them. Direct them, don't grab them. If I can direct the energy of a prayer, or hold the energy of a fire, then I can direct my thought. So I dived off into why was this coming up not as a victim, or helpless being, but as an investigator, fully capable of looking without engaging. AWESOME!!!
During the day I must have planted the seeds of those thoughts in my mind. I must have grabbed them, feed them watered them and planted them somewhere in me as they came up during the day. I planted the thought garden that day or last week or when ever that was sprouting in my head last night, once I stopped to rest. LOL that meant that I could change it. and if I could change it then it was not in charge of me rather the opposite. LIke the bankers with my old house I could simply devalue it or them and say sorry bad investment no longer interested, acceptable learning curve going on here, we're starting fresh, and today, what was then tomorrow, we are not going to plant those seeds. No room at the inn
so I laid in bed last night 2:35AM and let it go all of it I just breathed in clear crisp cool air, no judgement, no thought allowed to ride along on that breath, and then out again In and out. A breath that took in the vast sky what a big breath
try it tonight try and breath in every star and every soft breeze,
and then that breathe went out to the trees, the Cheyenne, the water,
In, a breath that came from the stillness and vastness of the universe, big still calm breath, all twinkly and huge, and back out out to that same big universe with me as very much a part of it all, but so tiny, Im so very tiney in all of all, that all those monkey thoughts all those "worries" seemed so very very small LOL so small that they were and became so insignificant that they vanished. Within I don't know three breaths, I was asleep.
because the next thing I knew it was morning and the cat was hungry!
So as a friend of mine said to me yesterday, " Don't Natter on about things. Just do your work." It was so clear so simple. Just Don't natter on. Just be who you are, do your work, let go of all the rest.
Im lucky Relatives, I know my work. This house, this project, The care of the pipes I have relations with, study and writing, and deepening for the prayer for the actualization of the prayer for the Cheyenne. Today that meant being joyful. Calmly building the next needed thing for the house. Enjoying that accomplishment and sharing the energy of that joy with all of you and all of everything else out in the world. Directly clearly simply just creating it, and giving it away. How cool is that. Pretty awesome!! I'm pretty lucky. I may not have heat yet but I am so very very lucky I have a tub to take a bath in, a nice warm bed, and now ...... clean clothes!!
During the day I was lucky enough to see that a dragon fly had flown into the room ( the kitchen) where I was working, it kept trying to continue on its flight through the clear glass window. It did not have the perspective that I did that there was a physical barrier between it and its precious outdoors. it kept trying and finally gave up trying to get through the window. I could've left it there to either exhaust itself until it died, to try and wander around the house looking for an out, or I could maybe just maybe help it get to where it was going, It knew where it wanted to go, It just couldn't in that moment get there on its own. It had done all the work of hatching, creating, eating, flying and following its path to my window, and now it just needed a little encouragement, and a little assistance. I began speaking to it with my heart, my words, my voice, my movements, my intention, my focus, gentle, steady, unwavering, set, and encompassing, but not grasping. Very important when assisting another being to its freedom to not grasp it or clutch it or force it. I tried with my hand to get it to trust but it could not. so I covered my hand with my shirt sleeve navy blue and deepened my intention and eased up on my force and it got up on my hand and then never taking my eyes off of it or wavering in my intention or careful protection of its freedom around it I took it the 10 feet back to the open door it had flown in. then when we got outside I said there you go and it Took OFF! what a joy what a wonder of trust and love between two beings
as I said I am grateful to you all of you and to the Spirits tonight I pray that the negativity that we dislodge is transformed and loosened into the vastness of creation to resolve itself against that balance of love that we all and I mean ALL beings all together all at once create, hold in our hearts and hold close in our breath in our ease, in our thoughts for our day. For each of us. May we dislodge the shadow, the fear, the worrie, the pain and may it soar out like the dragon fly and become part of the breath and part of the healing and ease that will bring another day.
you have my back Relatives
and I have yours
sweet dreams
Mary
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