now and then

good morning Relatives

I'm waiting on the grass to dry        the mowing is a must   and with all the rain we have its a bit dodgy to time the mowing between wet from above and wet from below    

the dogs are so happy   we go in the morning on a walkabout  the grasses are almost to my chest and they love love love running and sniffing and poking about in the mornings and evenings    its a delight to be part of their pack   we walk down to the bluffs that overlook the back of the Three Maidens and the little lake behind them    we were down there the other day and Goose jumped off the bluff to follow Marshall and Jingle and she hit the grass and rolled head over heels  she was so cute  and so funny  they have such a good time  
watching her fall and roll into the unexpected  and watching to make sure she was ok and seeing her disorientation for a bit then reorientation and rejoining of the group reminded me of us and how we learn

what a treat to have love and interest and companions  

I've been learning things     Im interested in what you have been learning also   hows it going?

the two apple trees that were put in  seem to be doing well  there are little tiny apples on one of them  growing  expanding every day     its really something to see fruit in process


so what did I learn   well  I learned from a friend  a movie and a book and from keeping on walking on and on down the road  

its very useful to think of life as a road  its more pleasant a reminder that you've actually been somewhere, come from somewhere and that there are places to go ahead of you   also that there are travelers on that road  in front behind and sometimes alongside for a bit    like Goose and her companions

so I learned a little bit about differences    whenever I have a conundrum  a puzzle a thought that needs fleshing out or trimming and shaping  one of the things that coincides with that for me is that I also saw all the negative space that surrounds it     by negative space i mean the harm that was being done usually by myself  sometimes others  in that negative space  by misshapen ideas, expectations, habits, undeveloped thought processes, poor communication skills etc....     so i would dive into whatever it was and work to get to the end the core the nidus the bottom of it and suss it out change it and recreate myself so that the negative space would be a shadow that served to reflect the positivity rather than be a shadow that was hiding the harm in the light  

it requires   required  and came from inside of me the impetus that the harm I was doing by not redoing and learning to do differently was more painful to me than any of the discomfort that came from working through what might be difficult or painful to see to own or to change  

its not comfortable to be in the now when the now is painful  I sought to change that pain not by laying it aside or covering it up or walking running in the opposite direction  not even by standing still in it  but by going through it    because once it was present for me it was fully present and no amount of fleeing would make it less so  

now is all I have  and it is inescapable   so if it was not healthy I wanted it to change  I wanted it to be different because what is also in the now is the connection we all have  all at once as one thing  so how can I be now and be not harmful to you if my now is not well?  how can I be in the now of you if what is between us is painful or harmful ?

there is some trickiness in this   there are rules about connection  rules about self and others  it is tricky isn't it relatives to learn how to be connected all the time and yet do no harm and also come to no harm   in my life I have heard people say things like don't take it personal and don't be hard on yourself and no ones perfect    but I rarely hear how to to be in the now and yet be active  be alive and yet do no harm and stay connected but be respectful of private space and boundaries    its been a puzzle let me tell you

life is a dance isn't it   and skills mean freedom   I learned that long ago  skills mean I can have the freedom that comes with better communication  less fear   less judgement more freedom

standing still was not my forte    I am a traveler  a doer   a body in motion   so standing still wasn't less harmful to me  it was deadly  like trying to not exist    so my impetus has been to move into better  to move beyond and away from worse    the learning the task the practicing the skill the attentiveness to change was fueled and is fueled by a mixture of love and fear    and an acceptance that i wasn't born knowing how to do many things   like tie my shoe  or drive a car  or write a book or comb my hair  or cook an egg
all those things and more i had to learn and to teach myself and practice  so it is not so far of a reach to also know or think that I didn't know very well how to be here  how to do what we do together well

one of the movies I watched  Looper  it was unfortunately violent  but what struck me was that while I hate violence and am not one to pick watching it on tv or in movies  and it is dreadful in the flesh    that violence and the greed and the pursuit of happiness that was the impetus for the violence was actually when I thought about it the same violence that I experience when I act from selfish greed or laziness in my skills or hardness in my heart or denial towards an effect on myself or others   that violence is the same when I don't take the time make the effort and do the work to find something that works just as well or better but doesn't harm  

like when a dog jumps up on me  do I yell? do I curse? do i hit them? do I kick them? do I stop having anything at all to do with them?  is that not more violence?   or do I learn better skills with my words of care, softness, direction, my body language teaching and resisting and deflecting rather than punishing? do I be attentive and create rewards of hugs and touch which is what they are after in the first place and guide and train both of us into a path of a different kind of interaction and skill?  which do i do?  they are learning  I am learning  which dog do I feed the violent one? or the one that creates calmness unity and joy peacefulness    if we are going to walk through the fields together and enjoy each others company and facilitate each others existence then do I want to put the effort into learning better skills so that we enjoy each other  be who we are I don't get jumped on or knocked down they get their hugs and we as a pack have the amazement of the fruit of our beingness together.  its up to me  and to them   they are willing to learn   am I?

so back to the movie  in the movie one character made the statement that most people avoid the now    they avoid the now because it is so painful

i thought about that avoiding of now   about how we try to fill now with things that are not painful  to replace what is with what could be (projection, fantasy, expectation) what was (memories) or something that consumes our senses and is a through and good distraction (chocolate, alcohol, food, pleasure, pain, rage, fighting, work)  anything but now

so I spent a day in now   making now small and present and still and watching what showed up in my now and rather than jumping up to decide about it and struggle with it or chewing on its fist I just watched it and let it come and go  and I finally realized that it was my own filter that colored now and made it up down good bad right wrong or what ever    that when i saw now and moved in it towards what I want that was when the resistance of my own filters about now changed how I felt about myself and my surroundings     if there is dirt on the floor it is just dirt on the floor  if i want a floor without dirt I have to sweep it up and move it somewhere else    I don't have to criticize the floor, the dirt or my own timing on when and how I sweep it up  any and all of that is just violence   if it takes only violence to motivate me then i am being controlled by pain and fear   rather than simple choice and cause and effect that in and of themselves do not have those emotions or judgements or any characteristics at all
I am simply coloring now with my own judgments and being violent towards myself   that sucks
if I am willing to be violent towards myself then i can guarantee you that I am willing to be violent towards you    

that really sucks


that idea of now and avoiding it not wanting to have it or be in it  hit me really deeply because just that morning I had talked to a friend who said that she could only look at things a small piece at a time   otherwise it was too overwhelming for her   only one small bit at a time  

I have known this friend for many many years and had the privilege to witness her work in her life with her life   she works at her life   she does not shirk her work   she is different than i am  and yet we have remained friends  even with the tension that difference sometimes creates we remain close and steady  yet it occurred to me when I heard the man in the movie say that about now  about now being too painful

it occurred to me that my friend and I come to now from different sides of the pain mirror   we have different abilities and skills and habits with which we handle the pain of our own now  i know from being her friend for so long that she doesn't shirk her work and she sees and feels her pain and made the choice years ago to not run from it  but i saw that she is different than me  her process is different  she can and does live with her process    she LIVES   and so do I    but i also saw that my own habits with now had been causing me still even after all this doing and searching to try and live in the space of others    to make their now and their process comfortable to me  for me  for my own self I have wanted their now to match mine     hmmm  thats not ok

then I understood something else   that her now is hers to have as she chooses   mine is mine  our difference does not have to be the same for us to be at peace with each other  and each others process or with our friendship   that was nice  it made now seem bigger and less threatening   and it made for me a peace between us  and  alot of other things

so once again i worked through my now  and once again I am writing it up to give away  but it feels different   I feel safer whether or not you do anything with this blog and its work or not   I feel my own value and am at peace with my now and my work and in a better place to enjoy you as yourself enjoying and having your own nowness as you wish

cool huh

rather than hurry and write it all up for the blog I have walked around in it for a few days  

so happy now ness relatives
love love love
mary

Rumor has it

Dearest Relatives

greetings on this day of June   I sit down to write and am exhausted but full of joy at this weeks work  again the student/teacher/friend came to Pipestone to help with the house and with both of our growth as circle beings  again we would like to share with you the abundance that flowed from hands and heart here at the Center of the East and West Gate  I also keep hearing Adele's song in my head rumor has it  rumor has it she's the one you're leaving me for  rumor has it he's the one Im leaving you for.  I am laughing because when i hear that I think of the old me   the me that has her braids tied to the ground and I remember that it is me that I leave for me   so if you hear the rumor that I am less than I was good for you  it means that I am become more of me for you

one of the questions given was what does the name of this house mean?
the East and West gates     so I will attempt to write part of the thought parameters that come from those words

the Center   is where we are  where we stand  we are the eternal fire of the center  we are always creating and destroying with our actions and our words
the center was here before my body was created and the everlasting part of that center that is the nuance known as me entered it like the breath that enters and exists every time that I have been made as a body spirit entity in this time and place that center was never left and it will continue beyond this clay suits longevity  inside of my clay suit is the center of what I AM  it is within and thus without that makes the whole me within the whole which is also you
it is what we do  we create and we destroy in the everpresence that we are  we are constantly creating and destroying   there is no moment that has existed before this time  
even if all time is held and lived no moment will be the same and it is this infiniteness in which we are present and have the choice to accept and hold )not grasp( our centeredness

we create trust and destroy fear   we destroy ignorance and create freedom  in the centers which are everywhere in every living being around us like sparks we all together create the center fire of the universe    where without all that is around us as direction does not exist

with no directions
there is no center

with no center there is no direction
without east west north south up down northwest forward or back there is no center without the center there is no east west north south up down northwest forward of back.
it is our awareness of the orientation that creates the dynamic ever-shifting but ever present between around all living things is it not that when you hold the center or hold a direction for a different center that you manifest the fabric of all things? is it not in accepting that orientation that you find your balance your moment your presence and its relativity to all that lives and breathes? is it not better to be a cell that is aware of its life within the body than a cell that perceives it self as different than or foreign to the whole?

so because of the center there is east west north south up down across and through and through  it is through those gates that here the pipestone carries the prayer the house holds the whole the abundance goes forth  it is between the past of the east and the future of the west that the center is held constant and yet always never grasping the entirety of the universal weave it is the center of the east and west gate where all that was comes to be released into the present and all that will be is ever present and yet not yet moved into

because it us standing and looking praying being moving thinking and engaging it is us that creates the directions and it is us that thus put ourselves at the center  

this center is not an ego center but simply an acceptance of our wholeness and our connection to the whole   under my hands is the center of the keyboard to it I am skyward but my knees are earthward to its keys 

sitting here at the desk to the tree out in the lawn I am northeast and horizontal to the center of its trunk   earthward also to its leaves but skyward to its roots   

it is to me a center and i am the direction that shifts around it   to it I am a moving center that gives it the ability to change its own direction even though it appears to be rooted in one place  

when we dance together always in each others presence we effect and affect each other
we give our lives a different richer and deeper meaning
we support each other in our individualness and in our circle presence

when we begin to see that we indeed have the presence in the present  we have indeed the presence of ourselves in our lives   we begin to feel the fabric of the universe  we begin to understand and stand in and enjoy the freedom of everpresence   many are taught as was i to see or create in between spaces  spaces between right and wrong  church and school  prayer and talking  this action and that    it was in this disconnect that I learned or thought and created in my life the option of denial about my own effect and affect in not only my own life but in those around me     it was in the disconnect of the thinking that between spaces exist that I allowed through the ignorant and at times intentional denial or back turned to myself and my actions where I would lose my way  and by losing my way I mean losing my sense of joy  my sense of value my sense of action reaction in my life   it was here that I shifted back and forth between care and disuse of my opportunity

in that way I created in my life and in therefore in all life pain, suffering, fear, loss.....  finding the way back to my way has taken time and effort   one of the reasons that I write this blog and one of the reasons that I visit with the teachers/students that come here is because when we voice our connection and reweave our worlds into the everpresent of the present in each other then it strengthens it over all    i hope that in writing it is given away as freely and thoughtfully as the earth and all the relatives live it constantly around us never ever laying it down

it is this constancy that when I allow it to flow through me that give me the peace of the joy and the connection that I was born with but did not find around me when I became flesh  it is that shift into this everpresence that I want to hold out for the world to have and to accept

we are not ever not in the circle  

we are not ever cut off from the affect and effect of our words hands and intentionality
we just think we are at times and thus like the little child who puts on a blindfold and then thinks that no one sees them naked in the grass  we believe that we do not stand in the center in the life that flows around and through us and thus sometimes we hide our actions because we do not want to have shame? or we do not want to let go of what appears to be easier the blindness of denial  and yet even like the blindfolded child we are not ever not in the presence of the the present

I encourage myself yourself to drop the blindfold  to stand in the presence of the present  and to be

 to accept if your way is mixed yet  to accept if your intention is not always one that in fact would be understood if examined, yet like the turtle in the road and man who ran over her is part of the giveaway of the whole story.

we are vulnerable   we are fragile   we are in pain  we are fearful that our lives will not come to the end or the present that we want unless we pick them up and shift them this way or that  
between us is the everburning everpresent fire of creation and destruction  between you and I is this center  into it across the sphere of the circle is the gift of my life to the whole of all life   into the fire I put what I have  not with perfection but with an open heart and a heart that chooses to be awake to and present in my presence  in your presence  to you I may be northeast or south or southwest or even in this time rather than the one that was or will be   it is all here now and
in all that nowness I AM  YOU ARE WE BECOME and have done and will do no matter what becomes of the atoms that make up the suits that we wear  it is in the center fire of this holding that I put my trust in the atoms that move within the clay of my day  in the center that is between the east and west gate

yet the whole of which we are is still as I look out the window and see that the earth is still steady  the grass still growing  the clouds shaping, moving, traveling and visiting, the birds still working  we are still in the net balance in a good way  we are still here and it is still good

so when i consider myself and my actions  rather than hide myself from the whole I relax into its arms accepting that it already holds me as I am  and perhaps today I can share my vulnerabilities with that whole and take comfort and trust in the knowledge that it hold me as preciously as I can choose to hold my own day and thus I know that I am also holding your day in that preciousness

it is this idea of center and direction that is a gentle way of life

often the shift into and out of the everpresence is like a great slamming  a great ah-ha moment whether up or down   there are those who are addicted to the slam   who consider the shift to be the indication that the everness exists and that we have entered it    do not be addicted to the feeling  do not look for the great up as what it may be a signal of is that you were in a great down    is it not better to stand in the flow of the joy of life and to have it carry away the negativity like debris down the river or dissonant notes as the orchestra tunes up and the practiced begin to play?  is it not more quickening to your lungs to have the oxygen flow in and out without your hands or efforts withholding then releasing its gift?  would you not rather be able to breath with full gentleness and awareness and the simplicity of life flow through your cells so that you can engage with what that oxygen brings to you?

last week we talked about having the moment of the moment and how when we learn to taste anew each swallow of coffee, or water, or food in its self  in its individualness  how when we see each other as fresh moments never before being born   when we strengthen this practice in ourselves then the need  the addiction to the ah-ha or the better than good or the worse than before is lessened and we become filled with the joy that the cells of my lungs have everytime my breath enters my body   everytime my heart pumps that oxygen on hemoglobin forward through my veins I am reborn again and again and again into the everpresent

so rumor has it that I am leaving who I was who began writing this blog this morning and I am here to confirm that by the time you read it the rumor will be true  i will not only have left her but again and again over and over I will leave to have what I AM  in all as I am still being washed clean by the river of life  still building skills that will help me not only climb the steps to jade mountain but also run down them

start a rumor today be the center be the east  be the west north or south your the best

love love love
mary

Itsy Bitsy Spider

good morning relatives

its a rainy day again here in Pipestone     it was a productive weekend spiritually and physically for the house and all in attendance   yea!

the sink in the bathroom is working well and is a blessing  
we also put in a little vegetable and herb garden   and moved the stone that was originally the foundation of the house ( the part that was rebuilt) out of its pile into a nice border

the morning glories are planted as well as the purple pea vine  the old bear is also out finally and watching over the garden

this am I found a spider web on the garden fence   it was full of dew  I remember when I was a little girl finding the great garden spiders in my great grandmothers yard early in the morning   the webs were as large as me and the spiders very large they were so beautiful and amazing

spider brought language and writing to the people   she also teaches us to remember that our actions and thoughts affect the entire web of life   she also reminds us that occasionally we get caught in the sticky leads that are put out by those who consider us prey and we can be snaks if not mindful

it has been an amazing year here and everywhere is the evidence of what was woven long before humans showed up  and also what has been woven by our hands and hearts

fragile as a thought may seem it is the leading strand of the work that follows    

I am off to see the orthopedic surgeon this am for a consult about the nerves in my neck and shoulder   in June  the 17th i will see the neuro surgeon for a consult also   I belive that we will be able to make a good plan for the eventual diagnosis and treatment options for my continued journey of healing

it was wonderful to have someone here at the house and to have help  and visiting  it wore me out though !  yesterday had to be a day of rest  and the chiropractor had much to do!

I hope that you are well and enjoying this fine May day

 blessings to all of you in the great web of our life

mb

Pop goes the Weasel Right goes the life Left goes the story Out goes the strife

good morning relatives

it is fully spring here at the Center of the East and West Gate     the small things are budding the rabbits are abounding the weasels are killing rabbits and sucking their blood then eating their flesh to their delight and the trees let go of their leaf casts and burst forth into the air like kids leaping off a dock into the lake  

the lilacs are blooming  and the trash is receding   the dogs are shedding much to the young birds nest makers delight

it has been an extraordinary weekend  which is to say that it has been and is everyday itself

this weekend the first student has finally come to the center  and together we have visited and explored the opportunity of the days as they unfolded

we have built a bathroom cabinet and installed the sink in the downstairs bathroom which is really nice and will help with the functionality of the house   it was for me a really nice experience to work side by side with a person who is easy with self respect  with exchanging the ideas of examining and following through on the mechanics of planning and assembling the cabinet and installation of the sink    I was able to be myself and take care of my part in the process within the limits I have. it was a joy to be equal and witness the skill and active gift of an others hands and heart. to have no worry about needing to watch over the work of another and thus was able to enjoy both of us  as we are  in this weekend I have been blessed with the opportunity to enjoy the new Mary that sprung forth from the garden and compost of her past. what a blessing to have grown up a little more through falling down the stairs of my life, as Po did over and over.

I want to thank each and everyone who has been in my life and brought to it the seeds and lessons that are blossoming even when we thought we had failed in our attempts in the garden  I want you to know that we did not fail  and I love you the more for knowing you

At the end of the day when I'd reached the end of what I could do the partner of the day, I was so wonderfully surprised to find out and get to experience the fruit of, had the understanding and followthrough to clean up both the house, the tools, the kitchen and the remains of our tea.  what a gift to find this morning when I awoke, it was like christmas.  not because I had expected it or not expected it  but simply in the nothingness of neither thing being written beforehand

finding the gift of it having been given without preamble and without the discounting shadow of expectation.   how cool that my coworker/student/teacher had acted on the habit of cleaning up restoring the tools and the house to the beginners mind and place of opportunity in the simple and clean transition of closing one day and letting it rest so that the next it was ready to begin again not from the place of needing to clear up or clean up or reset before things could have a fresh start but from the place of original opportunity. there already clean organized put away ready to come out if called into the process was today  
it gave me the opportunity  the choice of using the first of my morning to make a gift of tea to be warm and ready when they came down from the evening respite

how lovely the rhythm of care as expressed by the life of an awake adult who seeks to not return to the irresponsibility of the child's status but seeks the freedom of the skilled and gentle wherewithal of the spiritually mature adult.   it is a wonder to see this house begin its life this spring  not according the the script I wanted but according to its own story  its own giveaway and beauty which is beyond this authors ability to compose   I am grateful to this house and the Spirits that own and run it  Grateful for their love   Wopila Taku-cnas-cnan  Wopila Thunder Beings  Wopila Ancestors Wopila Three Maidens Wopila Unci Maka  Wopila Tunkcashila Wopila Pilamayaye Waste' Nina Waste' for this person who journeyed to be in your care, for this house that is here to receive and welcome , to the existence and perseverance of this body that you loaned me and the heart and mind that strive to be in your grace

we also this weekend of course watched the Kung Fu Panda  and together we explored the mysteries of the allegory  the mysteries of the teachings that help us resolve what troubles us that help us reawaken our own sense of who we are and choose to be

one of the things that we have discussed which is a teaching that I would like to gift to you relatives from the work and play that we have shared this weekend is that of the storyteller

being a Storyteller is an amazing gift  Salman Rushdie is one of my favorite storytellers  his books about Horoun and the Sea of Stories, Luka and the Fire of Life are wonderful  they are about boys whose life unfolds in the embrace of their fathers life as a great Storyteller  

so what is it that makes a storyteller great?    what is it that can change a storyteller into a dictator or a propagandist?  it is a good question relatives   what is it that takes us from the opportunity of love into the bigamy of betrayal? what is it that carries us from the shore of inordinate wonder in an introduction into someones life into the choppy and storm ridden seas of fear and the course that leads to an island of abuse where a stalker of the heart and their victim are marooned? hmmm  what is it that changes the heart from one of exploration amazement and perhaps adoration into the bitter desert of regret?

it is whether or not we can learn to be great Storytellers or whether we develop into an egocentric egomaniacal script writer   it is on the one hand where we choose to crush the grapes of our life out of our own and others fruit, fermenting it into the whine that we sip
or we develop the garden and let it grow in observance, taste the fruit and make the sweet wine of work and patience to share over a table of gratitude it is the difference between a crushing grip of control or the open palm that is held steadfast and gentle enough that the wild at heart can find a place to land without fear

this is the difference in the Storyteller and the Scriptwriter   oh and relatives there is a big difference.

remember the words you read and hear may be strong, they may sound harsh and over done but it is murder when you chop the head off a lettuce even as if it were a lamb  it is murder nonetheless and thus as humble students at the gate of the teachers in this world we accept the brutality and the simplicity of the lesson even as our feet are bathed in the blood of our past

even as we murder so that we may consume and live, the difference in the life-giving essence of the breath of a Storyteller, and the fog of confusion that belays the life of another at the end of the short tether of a life-takeing noose of the script writer. the difference is whether or not when we arise at the beginning of the day our life is uncarved as is that of those around us or if it is already destined to be a sculpture of our own egos.  we are the artists relatives  it is in our hands  how the world turns

we eat the crop of the harvest of our own hands and when it is found to be bitter and not life giving do we make the choice to return again dedicated to slogging through the lessons of learning to become Master gardeners or do we continue to toil and seed and sow a harvest of loss?  it is up to us whether or not as rabbits we grow into the little vessels of blood and flesh that feed the weasel and her family so that balance is kept  do we give our lives as they are into the continuation of the great cycle of life or do we cower in our warren of tightly controlled opportunity seeking to not risk being eaten by something more powerful than we imagine  something more beautiful in the give and take of life and death  do we limit our tale? or do we go out and blossom into the great Story of this time? hmmm ?

how is it that we fall in love and then once it has, as we so often erroneously think, ended its foray into our camp how is it that we do not pine over our loss?  how is it that we free ourselves and those upon whom we placed so much dependance on our wellbeing how is it that we rest at night relatives? how is it that we do not assign the as of yet unwritten pages of our own story to the overshadow of our past?  how is it that we do not erase, shut out , and cut off from our selves those with whom we have shared the beauty of love, the exploration of friendship, the intimacy of a shared project, when at what has appeared to be its deviation from our own scripted expectation left us in the lurch of our own making. how is it that we do not make our lives smaller and smaller by design?
is it by chance stumbling on the next person whom can wipe away our memories? is it by jumping the pages of our own miserable story into that of one greater that can hide from us our previous pain and regret?  do we pull the rug of indifference over the knots of our past conundrums? do we look out on the billions of people around us and think that perhaps because in the short time of our life we will not outlive the vast opportunity that exists and in so doing think that we can afford to lose our connections?

 I will tell you that there are not enough books of fiction in the library let alone the world to erase the memory of one poorly held script. there are not enough characters in what is written to afford the loss of a single relative. would you choose if I must carve away someone that I shared care with for me to carve you away from my beingness relatives?  would you think that it is something that I can afford?

I think not   I think that each life is so beautiful each life so unique that its loss is only to be grieved and honored not pursued and discarded like property that has outlived its usefulness.

and that is it isn't it  we are not each others property are we?

the Storyteller recognizes that each day  each moment each life and encounter is and must be held in its own uniqueness. No matter where a journeyman/woman takes the thread of the life that is being witnessed into the dark and out again to receive the birth of a new day. A new life, born of the dawn of realization that organizes itself in our night. The Storyteller recognizes that each one, each being, will create a more unique telling of the tale of life than could be scripted. Why is that the scriptwriter cannot see, that no matter how the director looks at a life, it is and always will be limited by the lens that is held to the minds eye.  The lens of the scriptwriter is so very different than the glasses of the Storyteller.

when I met you  when I engaged with you, if I told myself a story about who you are and were and would be, as long as you remained within the confines of the pages of my fairytale, I could arrive at my happy ending.
It was when you wandered off the page  things began to go awry.  it is here that we have the first Ink-ling that we are writing a script rather than recording a tale. At first I revised my script taking into account magnanimously your essence which still intrigued me not for the sake of you as a beauty way of creation but as only held through the lens of my own self aggrandizing storyline. I chose to persist in the story of my life as I wanted it written. and you were but a character to enhance the design of my own morality play.

when you ripped yourself from the grasp of the pages of my past I could never release you from the blank shadow of my unwritten days and nights.  why is that relatives?  why is  it that I could not have peace in this one thing?

it is because that in the everyday things  in the mundane  in the brushing of my teeth or hair. in the greeting of my coworkers and in the movie like projection of the mindlessness of the everyday story of my life I am practicing, strengthening, the habit of writing scripts about everything that I encounter.

a great Storyteller knows that what moves a tale forward through the uncharted sea of possibility without marooning it on the desolate shores of a desert island is the details, the small turns of a phrase, the tiny adjectives and verbs that propel the nouns into depth of character and keep the plot original and the reader engaged    it is in the details of my life that I am entrapping my entire world and each occupant like slaves chained to the galley of a great ship at sea.
so it is that my love was chained inside the habit of scripting my own life
so it is that my own soul was enslaved to regret that the poem was wrecked on the cliffs of originality which you climbed to get away from my dictating unconscious way of life.   so it was that even though you save yourself I kept you pinned and lifeless even as I drain away my own opportunity to enjoy the nuance of what we unfolded together as well as apart.

it was in the details of my day    in my habit of scripting  

the students here this weekend  we thought this through and opened up the opportunity to reexamine our choice to be writers or Writers    and we thought we would share with you the giveaway that we found.

practice not writing the script of how water tastes as you swallow it  
drink it in its original nuance and let it flow into you as it is as new life with every sip
practice not predetermining how a potato feels, smells, tastes and moves through your mouth as you eat it
taste it  feel it  celebrate its life even as you consume its originality  for each bite is like none other
practice letting each moment be original in itself  
have it as it is  do not grasp and mold it
forget about the predetermined goal that we cram our life into everyday only thinking that if we arrive at the scripted destination that we have indeed arrived
be in the gift of each moment  accept the present of something that never has existed until it happened

the journey is the destination
it is the thing to behold over and over again in the original moment in which we can rediscover our own original selves that of the potato of the water
change the predetermined thought into the opportunity of an original idea and let it flow in the minutia of the fabric of your every day life

if my friends you can do this one small thing   then you have become a Storyteller of your own life
you will find that you have freed your love from their chains  you have indeed kept the world intact in all of its ugliness and glory and you will find that it will amaze you moment by original moment as it unfolds into the great Story.
do not regret the preamble  do not see the development of your character as a loss  it is but the steps that brought us to today  keep writing  keep an eye out for the narrow lens and begin again and again the new chapter

if you have the chance to release with tobacco and love at last those whom have been locked away in the cellar of your regrets animosities longings fantasies or past glories then relatives you will have freed also your own character from its prelude to life

I wish for you the understanding that comes from these words and i wish for all of us to enjoy and hold without grasping the wild at heart so that she can fly not only so that we can witness her beauty but the beauty of our open hand
 I am grateful for having the opportunity to be able to see for a moment of her time the beauty of her flight and the steadiness of my uncharted love

blessings to you my friends
love love love
mb

Mr Lincoln How did things play out?

good morning Relatives

I hope this note finds you well  we had a nice lightening storm last night  it was very bright and crackly which means the ground is charged with nitrogen today and more oxygen has also gone into the mix!  it is also nice because the rain waters the plants and trees so much deeper and more thoroughly than I can with my hose

the dogs are well  and the scruffy old cat  we go for walks down to the Three Maidens as the sun sets  arriving in the natural bowl the cliffs make by the quarry lake at dusk   we play and romp and then make our way back up the hill and across the prairie to home  every step I am grateful for this place and for this home

yesterday was a big ah-ha moment day for me  it started with Molly Lewis serenading Stephen Fry  and progressed from there through events  written about in the book about Lame Deer and how this house came into our possession and then on to Kung Fu Panda 2  which originally was named The Kaboom of Doom   a title i rather like

in between i wrote an email to someone who is at the beginning of learning to create life rather than destroy it within their self at their own hand  it was an email i took several weeks to compose   it involved waiting to see what that person would do

waiting is a funny thing  it involves many choices the one I accepted was choosing to see in me what I wanted for the future and it also involved assessing and putting into action some new things that I like the bare root trees planted here have grown into despite my best inadequate efforts at resisting LOL

it was a different stronger or deeper way of compassion  which I was delighted to find I was capable of. Compassion requires an inside understanding of one's own strength as well as an understanding of frailty
it is frailty and memory or samscara which the yoga sutras call it  scars that keep us from being strong and flexible
after watching Kung Fu Panda 2 for two or three years now over and over it finally opened up for me like a magic book of teaching  perhaps what opened up was me eh? relatives  anyhow I was delighted to see unfolding with every scene the teachings that are buried in the movie  

yesterday i finally after years of trying and praying and looking at and willing myself to try and feel  to know in my soul so to speak that all of you are my relatives  that we are all indeed connected  even with all that I have seen done and had visions about it was yet to be held like a foundation in my core yesterday something inside me came together like a great puzzle piece being laid in the middle connecting the surrounding pieces to make the picture a bit more whole

compassion allowed me to stand firm in what I needed to hold sacred and maintain as a boundary here at the gate and yet to also hold the door open  which is an extraordinary thing

it meant that I had to accept me  to accept that i had the ability to discern and to stand in the midst of what was untenable to me and hold a space that has the right to exist equally in the dark as the light

when i look at the yen yang black and white symbol i don't see static right or wrong or immovable black or white  yet in my life I have wanted to stand only in the light  only in the safety of positivity  i have tried so hard to keep negativity or what some would call darkness behind me away from me distant so that I could have peace   yet the teachings of the Kung Fu Panda movies always urge me to not depend on the exterior world or the circumstance to make peace or to keep me safe
Kung Fu Panda 2 is about inner peace  the peace that passes all understanding  which doesnt mean drive by LOL

what is safety?  without the knowledge that the rock of safety sets in the foundation of my spiritual self,  I could not hold when up against that which I knew to be negative , my skin is too sensitive and it is in the raw ness that I falter  in the closeness of the breath of death that I trembled and ran too many times.

but I have been thinking about the White Buffalo Calf Woman and how when the man who was selfish embraced her she held   she did not run away to push or resist or give in     being a pipecarrier I have studied her and the story over and over like the Kung Fu Panda  over and over seeking the teaching   and i see her stand and like a great compassionate wall against the force of the crashing sea she holds  she simply holds and lets him self destruct  which is the medicine of protection that was given me years ago   the mirror that reflects back immediately to anyone exactly what it is that they extend to me   as my own mirror reflects equally and immediately back to me what I extend to the world

it is this selfishness in me that I have been looking at over the winter  the selfish desire to be safe to have no more pain and to not lose anymore family or friends or acquaintances of love  I also did not want to endure the pain of judgement or discrimination or nawiziness   I have been really really selfish and it kept me from being compassionate and it immediately mirrored back to me and returned to me lack   loss    separateness   isolation   despair  

yesterday  thanx to life  that mirror within me broke and with tears of gratefulness at last I was able to grow a little

there is negativity from ignorance  and from willful selfishness  it is hard to determine the difference sometimes  and it is hard when faced with the determined choice of someone who wishes to seek or have and hold for personal power which by the way is an illusion spiritually  it exists but it is not what these seekers think it is.   how is it that i can encourage others who have the same samscaras that I do or even worse to let go of power for strength or personal gain?  how do we be compassionate and still be strong and steady  how can I stay connected and hold the world  as it is and not run from fear slamming the gate shut?

yesterday inexplicably came the ability rather than the idea   and I put it into motion it felt different  in a good way  kind of like growing up
late in the day when reviewing the changes in motion I realized and said outloud to a friend that if I shut the door on those who are different those who seek not for what is whole but for what is singular then I have shut the door on humanity and shut the door on wholeness and I myself have killed the world
which I do not want to do

I watched the movie Lincoln in which was represented the part of his last days when he pushed to have the 13th amendment passed in congress  it was an very interesting movie  it portrayed Lincoln as a man who had a very complex mind but also a man who chose to not only accept his power as the president but also to use it in what he determined to be a timely and effective manner  he held to his goal his gut feeling in the face of opposition, doubt, fear, good rhetoric, habit, greed, and lack of skill amongst both the bills supporters and its opponents . he kept saying that rather than make the bill about everything that was of course the natural outcome of the change he proposed i.e... blacks owning property, blacks voting, women owning property, women voting, gays owning property, gays voting, gays with marriage and tax and inheritance rights, native people being accepted as human beings with rights and choices  preferences about life, the ability therefore to say no to the greedy etc... on and on
you see they all already knew how far the wave of that amendment would take its inertia  yet they were reluctant to set it in motion  they were reluctant to change the world as quickly as it could have done to go to where they already knew it would and should head once that amendment was set in motion
Lincoln asked them to consider only what was now  only what was one step at a time and he acknowledged that yes there would be difficulties in figuring out the details that new and unknown territories would be opened up from this one thing   and he encouraged them to go ahead and open the door anyway  to not be fearful  to remember the self evident truths that he was holding the fire for
he encouraged them to not have the course of this country dictated by fear or selfishness
he gave the responsibility of the play back to us

he as asking those in power to give up the stranglehold on humanity that greed attempts to keep in place to enslave all of us for profit   do we not want relatives to change this stranglehold in our own world? in our own lives  i do

it is the same with me and my reactionary old protective habit of closing the door on spiritual wrongness   i had to change that in me if things were going to go forward

it is exhausting to stand in the energy to deal with spiritual selfishness and deviousness it is exhausting to extend love and care over and over only to find that the person drawing me out wants me to be ensconced in negativity it is exhausting to lose friends and relationships when there has been laughter and struggle and joy  it is like having the rug pulled out from under me over and over when I get to the realization that we are in fact different and i don't want to participate any longer in feeding someone who is just feeding themselves on the energy that is manifested and flows from spiritual work
it never occurred to me to ask the spirits to put a filter in place between me and that negativity  and yet as I look back I see that they already did years ago put it in place they even told me about it and I did not understand
like the Kung Fu Panda movie it took a long time to see what it meant
and now I do and I can with great relief open the door   keep my sword sharp for cutting off my head when it needs it and to with the delicate hand of the surgeon that I was trained to be have the courage to stand and cut away the disease that plagues our people

yea!!  i wish i could tell you all the pieces that i see in my mind that brought me here  i am glad to see that the world today will go forward on her rotation with me in better sync  yesterday I went out and looked at the little leaves sprouting from the sticks of the bare root bushes i planted a few weeks ago  and i thought that finally the bare root of my love for humanity has finally with the support and encouragement and nourishment of the sun the water the earth and it's bugs and worms finally sprouting new leaves


I have some questions for you relatives  and if I may be so bold as to put these questions in my blog please feel free to send along an answer or thoughts if you would be so kind

is it important to you that I show up amongst those who are enmass selfish and stand with better compassion and less swordness LOL is it important to you that I go not only where I am welcome but also where I am perhaps equally and opposite not ?  does it matter to you that that door be open in that place?

the second is about my personal health  it seems that afterall I did break my neck when I fell  like the layers of the Kung Fu Panda and the onion uncoving the baseline damage to my body has taken time  it took repairing and healing the layers of fractures and softtissue damage and smashed teeth and bone bruises that finally have uncovered that I have severe and unrelenting damage in the vertebrae in my neck as well as damage and scarring in my left brachial plexus which together add up to an unrelenting pain in my neck and down my left arm to my elbow and hand
what it means is that the more I do physically the more I have issues with my nerves and the pain increases as well as the neuro inflammation

the chiropractor has recommended as has my general doctor for me to see a neuro surgeon  I am also scheduled to see an orthopedic about this issue   it is an issue that is a neuro problem contributed to by damage to the bones  so it will be good to have both thoughts  both men are excellent in their field and I am grateful for the access I have to them

it may be that I will have to have surgery to deal with this it is most likely more than unlikely

I have two major concerns about the surgery
one is that I really do need to get the house further along in its reconstruction   I will need help with this physical help   i am asking you if it is possible for you to talk amongst yoruselves and find that help and put together a plan about it?

also if I have surgery I will need help here at the house with recovery  my dogs will need to be fed and my sheets washed LOL  I did not want to have the shoulder surgery to repair my shoulder because it meant having to be in a rigid brace for six weeks and I cant bear the thought of six weeks with no clean sheets

so if I have to have surgery  is there someone who can come and help me  ? or is there a team that can be coordinated to help cover it?   please let me know

people have wanted to come here and learn from the land and myself and I have wanted them to wait until the house was better  but as the young person who was afraid to begin the journey of the pipe until they were more perfect  LOL whatever that means  I recognize that the house is ready even if it is not perfect to have guests accept it as it is where it is which is where and how we must accept each other and go forward
eh?

i would ask that those who are of strong true clear heart and focus and able to hold the fire in a good way please try and help me with this and please stand for me in this time  often too often it has been those who are spiritually greedy who have come here and it is exhausting to try and heal while holding them and their greed at bay  

one thing that the compassion changed in me is it changed the inability to ask for help and it changed the fear factor of being accepted as I am and as the house is  now   to like Lincoln accept that making a step and facing the uncertainty facing the answers what ever they are is part of creating the future making the change that is necessary for freedom

thank you relatives for the great adventure   in the past I would have been grateful for your patience but somehow saying that today would only keep me locked in the idea of needing to be perfect in order to be your friend

I love you   I finally love me as well   praise be to life for this joy

thank you relatives for your compassion and your care

love love love mary

Molly and Stephen hope for tomorrow posted today

good morning relatives

hope your day is going well   yesterday i was able to get some things done here at the house that I've been wanting to for a bit  one thing on a long list of many things and winter is already closer today than it was yesterday!

yesterday in the afternoon the clouds came in and the soft air was filled with the scent of rain   it was a long time coming and it gave the air such a sweetness then the rain itself was gentle and stayed for most of the night

it was lovely   such a reminder of what gentleness can be used in our actions and in our care with each other

the trees that were purchased last fall from the county extension which I got put out bit by bit are doing well   the rain gave them a long deep soaking and they are already responding with little shoots of green at their tips which is encouraging for bare root planting !   I put a row of nanking cherries all along the front walk on one side (the side opposite the snow removal side) and they will eventually make a nice hedge and have fruit for the birds as well as cover for them   then along the outside of the cherries and across the yard I put out purple lilacs  which will also grow to give beauty and shade and a nice barrier to the street   along the street between the house and the grainery which is across from us I put a row of evergreens to make a wind and noise and privacy break  they are only about a foot and a half tall now but will grow and age as the house does as well

it is odd somehow to think of time and trees growing  to think that I might bee here for years is an odd thought  this winter after my fall down the stairs my life became one of day to day   doing what I could day to day without any thought about tomorrow   I know that I have lived for a few years now and can recall my past if I focus on it but it has drifted away like the cottowood seeds in the wind  leaving me only with what is in front of me for this day

looking at mortality and immortality has become for me a waste of time!  I have no idea what all the fuss was about as I was growing up  it seems that we - I got so focused on what was coming that I made too many missteps in the days I had   now I sit and enjoy the rain when it comes for i know that it does not come to everyone   the lake visits when she can and so I sit with her and have tea and listen to what she has to say  

I am on the emailing list for a ukelele sight and every week i get the posts for the current uke songs that people make up and sing and record to share   I enjoy this as i dont have a radio or tv and so am probably much out of tune with the current world sound stage LOL

I've been writing on the book about Lame Deer, I got to go and help with rescuing two dogs last weekend and in that journey got to meet with women who are working in their own lives to find their way   I want to encourage women to find their way  to find their voice and connection with the sacredness that lives within each of us   it really does live and breath with in you  and me  and the rain and the grass   it is here now

I hope to encourage people to think on their own  to discuss and try life on  to push a little bit at the boundaries of their own thoughts so that they can expand if it feels correct into a more loving more connected way of living in their day with themselves   I believe that if we do that then we will be that way with each other by proxy   it is important to remember that we need each others kindness  we need each others care  we don't need leaders to tell us who to be we must figure that out for ourselves  but we need those who have gone ahead or have a little more experience to say so that those of us who have not yet learned to consider the true impact of our words, our thoughts, our kindness on our own bodies our own lives and thus on each others  so that we know that we can try and it can be done

the link to the uke song for today was funny  it was also encouraging to me to hear a girl singing to a gay man that she would want him to be part of her future  part of her children's gene pool   it was and is for me a wondrous example of the flexibility and changes that kindness can offer and can be so much more valuable to us as a species than discrimination or hate
way to go uke girl

I hope that you enjoy it as I did even if you do not see within it as I do hope for humanity in her humor, in her kindness to a man who through humor intellegence and willingness to be public in his exploration of life to pave the way for a kinder gentler America 

bless you this day relatives  for your hands  for your hearts for your kindness in action first for you and then for the rest of us 

love love love 

mary

moms toilet tank

Good Morning Relatives

How are you this morning?  its a beautiful day in wisconsin   I drove over on thursday to visit with friends to help rescue two dogs and also to teach a class on the pipe  
it has been an extraordinary weekend  

the class had eight women in it  we visited for over two hours about the lessons of the pipe  how the pipe is really about the human being  how it is about teaching us to hold sacred communication and care of oneself and the breath that animates our physical bodies  that translates like the tobacco the intention of our thought our prayer into smoke  into activity  our breath animates our bodies and translates our thought into the action of our hands our legs our voice our mind  between our own self and each other being
when the pipe was given it was intended that everyone would  have one  everyone should hold sacred what they already had  the sacredness of the human being and its connection to our breath and the physical manifestation of our spirit

I had the best dream last night  it was a healing dream for me

Ive been worrying myself with anxiety over decisions   also over the time that it takes for things to get done  it is easy enough to say don't worry be happy but until I can feel inside of me the surity it is difficult  even after all that I have done and been given i need the rock inside to cling to   there is a balance between letting go of controlling the future  ie holding open the door of opportunity and in being steadfast in the direction I am headed once I can see the path  

the spring is a time of new paths and new directions  even if it is the followthrough of the previous years path it still is up in the air like a young bird first learning flight  uncertainty is difficult

I have been trying to figure out about going to the grandmothers gathering at lake superior this year  I did not want to go because I felt very strongly that the path that gathering is on is not about the lake or the connectivity that exists outside of its body  the connectivity of the other 90% of the water of the lake that flows between all living things and is the lake accepting diversity and accepting and supporting the world as she changes form and moves amongst and through us  i have long felt that the gathering could have made the choice to be loving and attentive to the spiritual connection that could feel inclusive rather than forced  I felt like it was not about listening but about staging the idea of ego rather than equality  forcing the lake or life or the indigenous that is within all of us to perform according to the control and one idea of accomplishment is not what a circle is about for me   I was taught that the grandmothers gatherings are about the equality of the circle yet I felt like there was no circle of connection between the events or the leaders   I have asked them over the years to consider having a spiritual council as part of the planning  a council that is separate from the functionality leaders kind of like how our government is set up  the circles of checks and balances   yet there was never and has not been any response to that offering or suggestion that I am aware of
if they acted on it they never said and I saw no evidence of it

only silence

there has been alot of silence from these grandmothers
when i fell and was hurt and reached out to whose with whom I have held the pipe, spoken and held prayers with, held the fire and contributed to their efforts with all that I could bring  the response from them was either non existent or it was a short note with a small check in the mail and then silence
  the long winter of silence for me was difficult to endure.

people may think that all I wanted or needed was money it is certainly true that once my ability to earn money was taken away from me temporarily I did need that kind of support to endure the winter  and I was grateful for it  but what I needed what the lake shows us and gave me every time she brought snow, rain, dew or water from the ground to visit me there at the house was connection  I reached out to the grandmothers because I had met with them, supped with them, made prayers with them   prayers over water   and that water was inside of me  that lake was inside of me calling out for care for support

what i needed was care     to know that our connection could support me when I was fragile and in pain and afraid

the care of the grandmothers hands and voices and hearts  
it only costs time and paper and pen and 42cents to send a card  it is barely costly to send an email  it is easy to arrange a phone call when rates are low or even in the "free minutes" of the weekend  
more than the money or any money I needed care  I needed love  I needed connection  and during this long winter it did not come   even if I sent emails or letters or cards  the return was silence

so I didn't know what to do when the invitation came back to me about going for the gathering this summer   when others are in transition and growing even as this group is  it is important to show up and give of your best to help be present for that growth  to help try and shape the future to give back to gently try and open up possibilities and stand with your relatives even when the majority are looking left and your are looking right  without the complete vision which perhaps I am only one of a few that see the right rather than the left it is important to show up and give it as long as you can

but because of the lack that the winter of the connection from these grandmothers created in my reserves I had very little left to give back to them when it comes around in the spring to plan for the fall or late summer harvest

it makes me weep  it makes me sad in a way that tears at the fabirc of my soul to think that there is nothing much left inside of me to reinvest in them   I prayeed and have prayed about this delemna   for years I have travelled and given and done and poured myself out on the earth and her people knwoing that it was how I was made  knowing that it was good and it was right knowing that the harvest of the whole is so much more important than what mary has in her pocket or her savings  it is more important to give to the whole so that the bounty can be what blesses me  

but bounty can be hoarded  it can be held back  it can be caused to not flow from hearts and minds and hands    the heart and mind that sees only what or who fits its own plan will certainly eventually become a wasteland

in the late winter the spirits told me to gather the ice that formed on the inside walls of my house, the tears that flowed when I was in pain and alone and unable to care for the house they have given so freely to the grandmothers  I gathered that water and the water that came to visit so that when the time came to be at the gathering i could pour that water in the center of their circle and try and connect them to the lack that their silence created in me and around me there at the house

it matters if you care about someone to tell them  it matters if you support them not financially but with your heart and your words and your strength  not because they are who you want to be but simply because they exist they love you and they need your love and care

this winter the spirits wanted me to tell the women at the lake that in their focus on the body of water that is big and beautiful and so large as it cannot be ignored  that she would rather they pay more and better attention to the lake that exists in each living thing outside of her body.  she is 10% of the world's fresh water  we carry within us and around us the other 90%  if we cannot care for and support and actively see the connection the flow of the lake amongst us then we are not caring for her  

people often hold back and give to an event or a cause something that is large visible and has good press LOL but it is the giving of the kind word  the supportive hand and the embrace which connects the heart in need to the heart of strength  that is what is true and lasting and enduring care

the lake moves amongst us with care  with support with no judgement or greed or exclusion  she invests in us with no reserve  

she wanted me to tell the grandmothers to stop worshiping her and to start honoring each other  each of us and her within us  

it is the small act that added together makes the large accomplishment   it is the drops of water that make the lake so big   but she is much bigger outside of those landed boundaries

I was going to send in my registration money yesterday  and over and over my going has been blocked it was in the dreamtime and it was in the faces and hearts of the women that I met in the class thursday in which I found the answer to my dilemma about going

I have very little financial resource and so must be very careful as to where to put it   the seeds for the harvest are precious and must be put on fertile ground

the women here in wisconsin who helped along with others who contributed made this trip financially feasible   we saved the lives of two wonderful dogs this weekend  facilitating finding them homes and good families,  we taught eight women a little more about the connection inside their hearts and between themselves and all others  how to see that connection in the use and care of the pipe just as they need to see it in the use and care of their own hearts and bodies and breath   I was welcome here not as someone special but as a woman as a friend and a person that was welcome and who as an individual part of the whole needed  
honestly from the grandmothers who run and facilitate the gathering at the lake I don't feel welcome  I don't feel warmth or inclusiveness or care  it is a hard thing to say and to endure  because that is not how I felt about them when i travelled there to give all I had to their efforts  

in the dream I had last night I drove a big rv out to Vancouver   and parked in a lot at a national monument  i had two dogs with me    I found myself finally feeling peaceful about my body and my well being  I knew that I was whole and that I was going to find love first in me  and thus it would bring love because it was first in me  

I got out and was setting up chairs and tables and in the kitchen I was cleaning out what was a tank off of the back of an old toilet  scrubbing it out so that it could hold ice for everyones drinks at the gathering  as odd as it may seem to some people the Spirits never lie about how they want me to see things or how they want us to reorient our vision about changing our world

we use what we have delegated in the past to one thing   we must learn to reorient our minds and our hearts and our actions and our ways to repurpose our own lives if we want to achieve what is true change

so as I was cleaning and prepping the toilet tank  my mom came in    she was so old   her hair was white, her dress pink and simple and her skull shining through her thinning hair  and rather than being a mother that used me for her own convenience  rather than being a mother who was critical hateful  narcissistic and so hard in her heart  so bitter    she was finally soft   she was at peace and was working with no thought to what it would do for her   she was helping me as if she could see side by side with me the task that lay ahead to accomplish the great gathering that was coming  

we were setting up chairs and glasses and ice  water for drinking and i asked her  " Mom are we the only ones helping set up for this?"  and she said "Yes  we are the only ones right now who are here to set up for this "

and we kept working

and I stepped outside to help set up tables to go and check on my dogs and the rv  and as I walked down what was now an aisle between tables where women were gathering and sitting and laying out who they are  what they have to give to the great gathering  they finally felt like in the usa they had a safe and welcoming place to show up  to share and display who they were and are  and it was peaceful as I made my way along they aisles the women called out my name  mary brown we are glad to see you  mary brown we were hoping to see you  mary brown thank you for making this place for us
when I got to the last aisle and tables there was two women  sisters at a table which in fact had been the first table I set up   and the sisters had laid out their beadwork  the woman closest to me was handicapped  she was in a magnificent chair that helped her function in the world and get around
she was native american and she reached out her hand to me and held my hand and looked into my eyes  she said mary brown  I am so glad you are here  thank you for making this space for us  as we were talking and I was holding her hand i woke up from the dream

so here is what I see  
im not going to the lake gathering  Im going to go to where I am welcome   grandmother margaret wants to have a womens gathering at Lame deer this summer    the women here in wisconsin want me to come and be apart of the circle a part of the learning and classes that will change their lives  that will help shape a world where diveristy is welcome  where difference and handicapable and safety and wholeness not ego is big enough that they feel they can lay out in public what is their own soul  thier own sweetness

I got comfort from my mom that yes even though we are the only ones working for the great gatehring that is to come  we are doing it

we are laying the foundation for the future  and it will be a future that is safe and welcoming where no matter what race what ethinicity what tradition or health capability or color or religion or what ever women will feel they can exist in public  gathered for one purpose  and the lake will be ready to help with our drinks  in it s old toilet tank that is now an ice chest

happy mothers day

thanx mom