good morning Relatives
I'm waiting on the grass to dry the mowing is a must and with all the rain we have its a bit dodgy to time the mowing between wet from above and wet from below
the dogs are so happy we go in the morning on a walkabout the grasses are almost to my chest and they love love love running and sniffing and poking about in the mornings and evenings its a delight to be part of their pack we walk down to the bluffs that overlook the back of the Three Maidens and the little lake behind them we were down there the other day and Goose jumped off the bluff to follow Marshall and Jingle and she hit the grass and rolled head over heels she was so cute and so funny they have such a good time
watching her fall and roll into the unexpected and watching to make sure she was ok and seeing her disorientation for a bit then reorientation and rejoining of the group reminded me of us and how we learn
what a treat to have love and interest and companions
I've been learning things Im interested in what you have been learning also hows it going?
the two apple trees that were put in seem to be doing well there are little tiny apples on one of them growing expanding every day its really something to see fruit in process
so what did I learn well I learned from a friend a movie and a book and from keeping on walking on and on down the road
its very useful to think of life as a road its more pleasant a reminder that you've actually been somewhere, come from somewhere and that there are places to go ahead of you also that there are travelers on that road in front behind and sometimes alongside for a bit like Goose and her companions
so I learned a little bit about differences whenever I have a conundrum a puzzle a thought that needs fleshing out or trimming and shaping one of the things that coincides with that for me is that I also saw all the negative space that surrounds it by negative space i mean the harm that was being done usually by myself sometimes others in that negative space by misshapen ideas, expectations, habits, undeveloped thought processes, poor communication skills etc.... so i would dive into whatever it was and work to get to the end the core the nidus the bottom of it and suss it out change it and recreate myself so that the negative space would be a shadow that served to reflect the positivity rather than be a shadow that was hiding the harm in the light
it requires required and came from inside of me the impetus that the harm I was doing by not redoing and learning to do differently was more painful to me than any of the discomfort that came from working through what might be difficult or painful to see to own or to change
its not comfortable to be in the now when the now is painful I sought to change that pain not by laying it aside or covering it up or walking running in the opposite direction not even by standing still in it but by going through it because once it was present for me it was fully present and no amount of fleeing would make it less so
now is all I have and it is inescapable so if it was not healthy I wanted it to change I wanted it to be different because what is also in the now is the connection we all have all at once as one thing so how can I be now and be not harmful to you if my now is not well? how can I be in the now of you if what is between us is painful or harmful ?
there is some trickiness in this there are rules about connection rules about self and others it is tricky isn't it relatives to learn how to be connected all the time and yet do no harm and also come to no harm in my life I have heard people say things like don't take it personal and don't be hard on yourself and no ones perfect but I rarely hear how to to be in the now and yet be active be alive and yet do no harm and stay connected but be respectful of private space and boundaries its been a puzzle let me tell you
life is a dance isn't it and skills mean freedom I learned that long ago skills mean I can have the freedom that comes with better communication less fear less judgement more freedom
standing still was not my forte I am a traveler a doer a body in motion so standing still wasn't less harmful to me it was deadly like trying to not exist so my impetus has been to move into better to move beyond and away from worse the learning the task the practicing the skill the attentiveness to change was fueled and is fueled by a mixture of love and fear and an acceptance that i wasn't born knowing how to do many things like tie my shoe or drive a car or write a book or comb my hair or cook an egg
all those things and more i had to learn and to teach myself and practice so it is not so far of a reach to also know or think that I didn't know very well how to be here how to do what we do together well
one of the movies I watched Looper it was unfortunately violent but what struck me was that while I hate violence and am not one to pick watching it on tv or in movies and it is dreadful in the flesh that violence and the greed and the pursuit of happiness that was the impetus for the violence was actually when I thought about it the same violence that I experience when I act from selfish greed or laziness in my skills or hardness in my heart or denial towards an effect on myself or others that violence is the same when I don't take the time make the effort and do the work to find something that works just as well or better but doesn't harm
like when a dog jumps up on me do I yell? do I curse? do i hit them? do I kick them? do I stop having anything at all to do with them? is that not more violence? or do I learn better skills with my words of care, softness, direction, my body language teaching and resisting and deflecting rather than punishing? do I be attentive and create rewards of hugs and touch which is what they are after in the first place and guide and train both of us into a path of a different kind of interaction and skill? which do i do? they are learning I am learning which dog do I feed the violent one? or the one that creates calmness unity and joy peacefulness if we are going to walk through the fields together and enjoy each others company and facilitate each others existence then do I want to put the effort into learning better skills so that we enjoy each other be who we are I don't get jumped on or knocked down they get their hugs and we as a pack have the amazement of the fruit of our beingness together. its up to me and to them they are willing to learn am I?
so back to the movie in the movie one character made the statement that most people avoid the now they avoid the now because it is so painful
i thought about that avoiding of now about how we try to fill now with things that are not painful to replace what is with what could be (projection, fantasy, expectation) what was (memories) or something that consumes our senses and is a through and good distraction (chocolate, alcohol, food, pleasure, pain, rage, fighting, work) anything but now
so I spent a day in now making now small and present and still and watching what showed up in my now and rather than jumping up to decide about it and struggle with it or chewing on its fist I just watched it and let it come and go and I finally realized that it was my own filter that colored now and made it up down good bad right wrong or what ever that when i saw now and moved in it towards what I want that was when the resistance of my own filters about now changed how I felt about myself and my surroundings if there is dirt on the floor it is just dirt on the floor if i want a floor without dirt I have to sweep it up and move it somewhere else I don't have to criticize the floor, the dirt or my own timing on when and how I sweep it up any and all of that is just violence if it takes only violence to motivate me then i am being controlled by pain and fear rather than simple choice and cause and effect that in and of themselves do not have those emotions or judgements or any characteristics at all
I am simply coloring now with my own judgments and being violent towards myself that sucks
if I am willing to be violent towards myself then i can guarantee you that I am willing to be violent towards you
that really sucks
that idea of now and avoiding it not wanting to have it or be in it hit me really deeply because just that morning I had talked to a friend who said that she could only look at things a small piece at a time otherwise it was too overwhelming for her only one small bit at a time
I have known this friend for many many years and had the privilege to witness her work in her life with her life she works at her life she does not shirk her work she is different than i am and yet we have remained friends even with the tension that difference sometimes creates we remain close and steady yet it occurred to me when I heard the man in the movie say that about now about now being too painful
it occurred to me that my friend and I come to now from different sides of the pain mirror we have different abilities and skills and habits with which we handle the pain of our own now i know from being her friend for so long that she doesn't shirk her work and she sees and feels her pain and made the choice years ago to not run from it but i saw that she is different than me her process is different she can and does live with her process she LIVES and so do I but i also saw that my own habits with now had been causing me still even after all this doing and searching to try and live in the space of others to make their now and their process comfortable to me for me for my own self I have wanted their now to match mine hmmm thats not ok
then I understood something else that her now is hers to have as she chooses mine is mine our difference does not have to be the same for us to be at peace with each other and each others process or with our friendship that was nice it made now seem bigger and less threatening and it made for me a peace between us and alot of other things
so once again i worked through my now and once again I am writing it up to give away but it feels different I feel safer whether or not you do anything with this blog and its work or not I feel my own value and am at peace with my now and my work and in a better place to enjoy you as yourself enjoying and having your own nowness as you wish
cool huh
rather than hurry and write it all up for the blog I have walked around in it for a few days
so happy now ness relatives
love love love
mary
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