good morning Relatives
I hope this note finds you well we had a nice lightening storm last night it was very bright and crackly which means the ground is charged with nitrogen today and more oxygen has also gone into the mix! it is also nice because the rain waters the plants and trees so much deeper and more thoroughly than I can with my hose
the dogs are well and the scruffy old cat we go for walks down to the Three Maidens as the sun sets arriving in the natural bowl the cliffs make by the quarry lake at dusk we play and romp and then make our way back up the hill and across the prairie to home every step I am grateful for this place and for this home
yesterday was a big ah-ha moment day for me it started with Molly Lewis serenading Stephen Fry and progressed from there through events written about in the book about Lame Deer and how this house came into our possession and then on to Kung Fu Panda 2 which originally was named The Kaboom of Doom a title i rather like
in between i wrote an email to someone who is at the beginning of learning to create life rather than destroy it within their self at their own hand it was an email i took several weeks to compose it involved waiting to see what that person would do
waiting is a funny thing it involves many choices the one I accepted was choosing to see in me what I wanted for the future and it also involved assessing and putting into action some new things that I like the bare root trees planted here have grown into despite my best inadequate efforts at resisting LOL
it was a different stronger or deeper way of compassion which I was delighted to find I was capable of. Compassion requires an inside understanding of one's own strength as well as an understanding of frailty
it is frailty and memory or samscara which the yoga sutras call it scars that keep us from being strong and flexible
after watching Kung Fu Panda 2 for two or three years now over and over it finally opened up for me like a magic book of teaching perhaps what opened up was me eh? relatives anyhow I was delighted to see unfolding with every scene the teachings that are buried in the movie
yesterday i finally after years of trying and praying and looking at and willing myself to try and feel to know in my soul so to speak that all of you are my relatives that we are all indeed connected even with all that I have seen done and had visions about it was yet to be held like a foundation in my core yesterday something inside me came together like a great puzzle piece being laid in the middle connecting the surrounding pieces to make the picture a bit more whole
compassion allowed me to stand firm in what I needed to hold sacred and maintain as a boundary here at the gate and yet to also hold the door open which is an extraordinary thing
it meant that I had to accept me to accept that i had the ability to discern and to stand in the midst of what was untenable to me and hold a space that has the right to exist equally in the dark as the light
when i look at the yen yang black and white symbol i don't see static right or wrong or immovable black or white yet in my life I have wanted to stand only in the light only in the safety of positivity i have tried so hard to keep negativity or what some would call darkness behind me away from me distant so that I could have peace yet the teachings of the Kung Fu Panda movies always urge me to not depend on the exterior world or the circumstance to make peace or to keep me safe
Kung Fu Panda 2 is about inner peace the peace that passes all understanding which doesnt mean drive by LOL
what is safety? without the knowledge that the rock of safety sets in the foundation of my spiritual self, I could not hold when up against that which I knew to be negative , my skin is too sensitive and it is in the raw ness that I falter in the closeness of the breath of death that I trembled and ran too many times.
but I have been thinking about the White Buffalo Calf Woman and how when the man who was selfish embraced her she held she did not run away to push or resist or give in being a pipecarrier I have studied her and the story over and over like the Kung Fu Panda over and over seeking the teaching and i see her stand and like a great compassionate wall against the force of the crashing sea she holds she simply holds and lets him self destruct which is the medicine of protection that was given me years ago the mirror that reflects back immediately to anyone exactly what it is that they extend to me as my own mirror reflects equally and immediately back to me what I extend to the world
it is this selfishness in me that I have been looking at over the winter the selfish desire to be safe to have no more pain and to not lose anymore family or friends or acquaintances of love I also did not want to endure the pain of judgement or discrimination or nawiziness I have been really really selfish and it kept me from being compassionate and it immediately mirrored back to me and returned to me lack loss separateness isolation despair
yesterday thanx to life that mirror within me broke and with tears of gratefulness at last I was able to grow a little
there is negativity from ignorance and from willful selfishness it is hard to determine the difference sometimes and it is hard when faced with the determined choice of someone who wishes to seek or have and hold for personal power which by the way is an illusion spiritually it exists but it is not what these seekers think it is. how is it that i can encourage others who have the same samscaras that I do or even worse to let go of power for strength or personal gain? how do we be compassionate and still be strong and steady how can I stay connected and hold the world as it is and not run from fear slamming the gate shut?
yesterday inexplicably came the ability rather than the idea and I put it into motion it felt different in a good way kind of like growing up
late in the day when reviewing the changes in motion I realized and said outloud to a friend that if I shut the door on those who are different those who seek not for what is whole but for what is singular then I have shut the door on humanity and shut the door on wholeness and I myself have killed the world
which I do not want to do
I watched the movie Lincoln in which was represented the part of his last days when he pushed to have the 13th amendment passed in congress it was an very interesting movie it portrayed Lincoln as a man who had a very complex mind but also a man who chose to not only accept his power as the president but also to use it in what he determined to be a timely and effective manner he held to his goal his gut feeling in the face of opposition, doubt, fear, good rhetoric, habit, greed, and lack of skill amongst both the bills supporters and its opponents . he kept saying that rather than make the bill about everything that was of course the natural outcome of the change he proposed i.e... blacks owning property, blacks voting, women owning property, women voting, gays owning property, gays voting, gays with marriage and tax and inheritance rights, native people being accepted as human beings with rights and choices preferences about life, the ability therefore to say no to the greedy etc... on and on
you see they all already knew how far the wave of that amendment would take its inertia yet they were reluctant to set it in motion they were reluctant to change the world as quickly as it could have done to go to where they already knew it would and should head once that amendment was set in motion
Lincoln asked them to consider only what was now only what was one step at a time and he acknowledged that yes there would be difficulties in figuring out the details that new and unknown territories would be opened up from this one thing and he encouraged them to go ahead and open the door anyway to not be fearful to remember the self evident truths that he was holding the fire for
he encouraged them to not have the course of this country dictated by fear or selfishness
he gave the responsibility of the play back to us
he as asking those in power to give up the stranglehold on humanity that greed attempts to keep in place to enslave all of us for profit do we not want relatives to change this stranglehold in our own world? in our own lives i do
it is the same with me and my reactionary old protective habit of closing the door on spiritual wrongness i had to change that in me if things were going to go forward
it is exhausting to stand in the energy to deal with spiritual selfishness and deviousness it is exhausting to extend love and care over and over only to find that the person drawing me out wants me to be ensconced in negativity it is exhausting to lose friends and relationships when there has been laughter and struggle and joy it is like having the rug pulled out from under me over and over when I get to the realization that we are in fact different and i don't want to participate any longer in feeding someone who is just feeding themselves on the energy that is manifested and flows from spiritual work
it never occurred to me to ask the spirits to put a filter in place between me and that negativity and yet as I look back I see that they already did years ago put it in place they even told me about it and I did not understand
like the Kung Fu Panda movie it took a long time to see what it meant
and now I do and I can with great relief open the door keep my sword sharp for cutting off my head when it needs it and to with the delicate hand of the surgeon that I was trained to be have the courage to stand and cut away the disease that plagues our people
yea!! i wish i could tell you all the pieces that i see in my mind that brought me here i am glad to see that the world today will go forward on her rotation with me in better sync yesterday I went out and looked at the little leaves sprouting from the sticks of the bare root bushes i planted a few weeks ago and i thought that finally the bare root of my love for humanity has finally with the support and encouragement and nourishment of the sun the water the earth and it's bugs and worms finally sprouting new leaves
I have some questions for you relatives and if I may be so bold as to put these questions in my blog please feel free to send along an answer or thoughts if you would be so kind
is it important to you that I show up amongst those who are enmass selfish and stand with better compassion and less swordness LOL is it important to you that I go not only where I am welcome but also where I am perhaps equally and opposite not ? does it matter to you that that door be open in that place?
the second is about my personal health it seems that afterall I did break my neck when I fell like the layers of the Kung Fu Panda and the onion uncoving the baseline damage to my body has taken time it took repairing and healing the layers of fractures and softtissue damage and smashed teeth and bone bruises that finally have uncovered that I have severe and unrelenting damage in the vertebrae in my neck as well as damage and scarring in my left brachial plexus which together add up to an unrelenting pain in my neck and down my left arm to my elbow and hand
what it means is that the more I do physically the more I have issues with my nerves and the pain increases as well as the neuro inflammation
the chiropractor has recommended as has my general doctor for me to see a neuro surgeon I am also scheduled to see an orthopedic about this issue it is an issue that is a neuro problem contributed to by damage to the bones so it will be good to have both thoughts both men are excellent in their field and I am grateful for the access I have to them
it may be that I will have to have surgery to deal with this it is most likely more than unlikely
I have two major concerns about the surgery
one is that I really do need to get the house further along in its reconstruction I will need help with this physical help i am asking you if it is possible for you to talk amongst yoruselves and find that help and put together a plan about it?
also if I have surgery I will need help here at the house with recovery my dogs will need to be fed and my sheets washed LOL I did not want to have the shoulder surgery to repair my shoulder because it meant having to be in a rigid brace for six weeks and I cant bear the thought of six weeks with no clean sheets
so if I have to have surgery is there someone who can come and help me ? or is there a team that can be coordinated to help cover it? please let me know
people have wanted to come here and learn from the land and myself and I have wanted them to wait until the house was better but as the young person who was afraid to begin the journey of the pipe until they were more perfect LOL whatever that means I recognize that the house is ready even if it is not perfect to have guests accept it as it is where it is which is where and how we must accept each other and go forward
eh?
i would ask that those who are of strong true clear heart and focus and able to hold the fire in a good way please try and help me with this and please stand for me in this time often too often it has been those who are spiritually greedy who have come here and it is exhausting to try and heal while holding them and their greed at bay
one thing that the compassion changed in me is it changed the inability to ask for help and it changed the fear factor of being accepted as I am and as the house is now to like Lincoln accept that making a step and facing the uncertainty facing the answers what ever they are is part of creating the future making the change that is necessary for freedom
thank you relatives for the great adventure in the past I would have been grateful for your patience but somehow saying that today would only keep me locked in the idea of needing to be perfect in order to be your friend
I love you I finally love me as well praise be to life for this joy
thank you relatives for your compassion and your care
love love love mary
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