Good Morning Relatives
How are you this morning? its a beautiful day in wisconsin I drove over on thursday to visit with friends to help rescue two dogs and also to teach a class on the pipe
it has been an extraordinary weekend
the class had eight women in it we visited for over two hours about the lessons of the pipe how the pipe is really about the human being how it is about teaching us to hold sacred communication and care of oneself and the breath that animates our physical bodies that translates like the tobacco the intention of our thought our prayer into smoke into activity our breath animates our bodies and translates our thought into the action of our hands our legs our voice our mind between our own self and each other being
when the pipe was given it was intended that everyone would have one everyone should hold sacred what they already had the sacredness of the human being and its connection to our breath and the physical manifestation of our spirit
I had the best dream last night it was a healing dream for me
Ive been worrying myself with anxiety over decisions also over the time that it takes for things to get done it is easy enough to say don't worry be happy but until I can feel inside of me the surity it is difficult even after all that I have done and been given i need the rock inside to cling to there is a balance between letting go of controlling the future ie holding open the door of opportunity and in being steadfast in the direction I am headed once I can see the path
the spring is a time of new paths and new directions even if it is the followthrough of the previous years path it still is up in the air like a young bird first learning flight uncertainty is difficult
I have been trying to figure out about going to the grandmothers gathering at lake superior this year I did not want to go because I felt very strongly that the path that gathering is on is not about the lake or the connectivity that exists outside of its body the connectivity of the other 90% of the water of the lake that flows between all living things and is the lake accepting diversity and accepting and supporting the world as she changes form and moves amongst and through us i have long felt that the gathering could have made the choice to be loving and attentive to the spiritual connection that could feel inclusive rather than forced I felt like it was not about listening but about staging the idea of ego rather than equality forcing the lake or life or the indigenous that is within all of us to perform according to the control and one idea of accomplishment is not what a circle is about for me I was taught that the grandmothers gatherings are about the equality of the circle yet I felt like there was no circle of connection between the events or the leaders I have asked them over the years to consider having a spiritual council as part of the planning a council that is separate from the functionality leaders kind of like how our government is set up the circles of checks and balances yet there was never and has not been any response to that offering or suggestion that I am aware of
if they acted on it they never said and I saw no evidence of it
only silence
there has been alot of silence from these grandmothers
when i fell and was hurt and reached out to whose with whom I have held the pipe, spoken and held prayers with, held the fire and contributed to their efforts with all that I could bring the response from them was either non existent or it was a short note with a small check in the mail and then silence
the long winter of silence for me was difficult to endure.
people may think that all I wanted or needed was money it is certainly true that once my ability to earn money was taken away from me temporarily I did need that kind of support to endure the winter and I was grateful for it but what I needed what the lake shows us and gave me every time she brought snow, rain, dew or water from the ground to visit me there at the house was connection I reached out to the grandmothers because I had met with them, supped with them, made prayers with them prayers over water and that water was inside of me that lake was inside of me calling out for care for support
what i needed was care to know that our connection could support me when I was fragile and in pain and afraid
the care of the grandmothers hands and voices and hearts
it only costs time and paper and pen and 42cents to send a card it is barely costly to send an email it is easy to arrange a phone call when rates are low or even in the "free minutes" of the weekend
more than the money or any money I needed care I needed love I needed connection and during this long winter it did not come even if I sent emails or letters or cards the return was silence
so I didn't know what to do when the invitation came back to me about going for the gathering this summer when others are in transition and growing even as this group is it is important to show up and give of your best to help be present for that growth to help try and shape the future to give back to gently try and open up possibilities and stand with your relatives even when the majority are looking left and your are looking right without the complete vision which perhaps I am only one of a few that see the right rather than the left it is important to show up and give it as long as you can
but because of the lack that the winter of the connection from these grandmothers created in my reserves I had very little left to give back to them when it comes around in the spring to plan for the fall or late summer harvest
it makes me weep it makes me sad in a way that tears at the fabirc of my soul to think that there is nothing much left inside of me to reinvest in them I prayeed and have prayed about this delemna for years I have travelled and given and done and poured myself out on the earth and her people knwoing that it was how I was made knowing that it was good and it was right knowing that the harvest of the whole is so much more important than what mary has in her pocket or her savings it is more important to give to the whole so that the bounty can be what blesses me
but bounty can be hoarded it can be held back it can be caused to not flow from hearts and minds and hands the heart and mind that sees only what or who fits its own plan will certainly eventually become a wasteland
in the late winter the spirits told me to gather the ice that formed on the inside walls of my house, the tears that flowed when I was in pain and alone and unable to care for the house they have given so freely to the grandmothers I gathered that water and the water that came to visit so that when the time came to be at the gathering i could pour that water in the center of their circle and try and connect them to the lack that their silence created in me and around me there at the house
it matters if you care about someone to tell them it matters if you support them not financially but with your heart and your words and your strength not because they are who you want to be but simply because they exist they love you and they need your love and care
this winter the spirits wanted me to tell the women at the lake that in their focus on the body of water that is big and beautiful and so large as it cannot be ignored that she would rather they pay more and better attention to the lake that exists in each living thing outside of her body. she is 10% of the world's fresh water we carry within us and around us the other 90% if we cannot care for and support and actively see the connection the flow of the lake amongst us then we are not caring for her
people often hold back and give to an event or a cause something that is large visible and has good press LOL but it is the giving of the kind word the supportive hand and the embrace which connects the heart in need to the heart of strength that is what is true and lasting and enduring care
the lake moves amongst us with care with support with no judgement or greed or exclusion she invests in us with no reserve
she wanted me to tell the grandmothers to stop worshiping her and to start honoring each other each of us and her within us
it is the small act that added together makes the large accomplishment it is the drops of water that make the lake so big but she is much bigger outside of those landed boundaries
I was going to send in my registration money yesterday and over and over my going has been blocked it was in the dreamtime and it was in the faces and hearts of the women that I met in the class thursday in which I found the answer to my dilemma about going
I have very little financial resource and so must be very careful as to where to put it the seeds for the harvest are precious and must be put on fertile ground
the women here in wisconsin who helped along with others who contributed made this trip financially feasible we saved the lives of two wonderful dogs this weekend facilitating finding them homes and good families, we taught eight women a little more about the connection inside their hearts and between themselves and all others how to see that connection in the use and care of the pipe just as they need to see it in the use and care of their own hearts and bodies and breath I was welcome here not as someone special but as a woman as a friend and a person that was welcome and who as an individual part of the whole needed
honestly from the grandmothers who run and facilitate the gathering at the lake I don't feel welcome I don't feel warmth or inclusiveness or care it is a hard thing to say and to endure because that is not how I felt about them when i travelled there to give all I had to their efforts
in the dream I had last night I drove a big rv out to Vancouver and parked in a lot at a national monument i had two dogs with me I found myself finally feeling peaceful about my body and my well being I knew that I was whole and that I was going to find love first in me and thus it would bring love because it was first in me
I got out and was setting up chairs and tables and in the kitchen I was cleaning out what was a tank off of the back of an old toilet scrubbing it out so that it could hold ice for everyones drinks at the gathering as odd as it may seem to some people the Spirits never lie about how they want me to see things or how they want us to reorient our vision about changing our world
we use what we have delegated in the past to one thing we must learn to reorient our minds and our hearts and our actions and our ways to repurpose our own lives if we want to achieve what is true change
so as I was cleaning and prepping the toilet tank my mom came in she was so old her hair was white, her dress pink and simple and her skull shining through her thinning hair and rather than being a mother that used me for her own convenience rather than being a mother who was critical hateful narcissistic and so hard in her heart so bitter she was finally soft she was at peace and was working with no thought to what it would do for her she was helping me as if she could see side by side with me the task that lay ahead to accomplish the great gathering that was coming
we were setting up chairs and glasses and ice water for drinking and i asked her " Mom are we the only ones helping set up for this?" and she said "Yes we are the only ones right now who are here to set up for this "
and we kept working
and I stepped outside to help set up tables to go and check on my dogs and the rv and as I walked down what was now an aisle between tables where women were gathering and sitting and laying out who they are what they have to give to the great gathering they finally felt like in the usa they had a safe and welcoming place to show up to share and display who they were and are and it was peaceful as I made my way along they aisles the women called out my name mary brown we are glad to see you mary brown we were hoping to see you mary brown thank you for making this place for us
when I got to the last aisle and tables there was two women sisters at a table which in fact had been the first table I set up and the sisters had laid out their beadwork the woman closest to me was handicapped she was in a magnificent chair that helped her function in the world and get around
she was native american and she reached out her hand to me and held my hand and looked into my eyes she said mary brown I am so glad you are here thank you for making this space for us as we were talking and I was holding her hand i woke up from the dream
so here is what I see
im not going to the lake gathering Im going to go to where I am welcome grandmother margaret wants to have a womens gathering at Lame deer this summer the women here in wisconsin want me to come and be apart of the circle a part of the learning and classes that will change their lives that will help shape a world where diveristy is welcome where difference and handicapable and safety and wholeness not ego is big enough that they feel they can lay out in public what is their own soul thier own sweetness
I got comfort from my mom that yes even though we are the only ones working for the great gatehring that is to come we are doing it
we are laying the foundation for the future and it will be a future that is safe and welcoming where no matter what race what ethinicity what tradition or health capability or color or religion or what ever women will feel they can exist in public gathered for one purpose and the lake will be ready to help with our drinks in it s old toilet tank that is now an ice chest
happy mothers day
thanx mom
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