Let them eat cake

Good Morning Relatives

Spring is finally here   the birds arrived yesterday and this morning at 4am when i was outside contemplating the air and the last of the night sky they were already singing   i wondered what they could see in that time of little light when the colors of spring are not yet visible

it has been a difficult balance to find my way through this surgery on my shoulder   I am wearing a sling and will for another three full weeks before any physical therapy is begun   right now I am amazed at how long and deep the pain from the repairs is in the bones and soft tissue that make up this so needed joint are and continue to be   deep and long the tender and painful places as they work their way out and let go  i have no idea if we broke more than we fixed this time  and time will surely tell no doubt

I have and do struggle with the pain medications  ice is useful for a bit but only so much after a very long winter   I'm not allowed to take nsaid's the over the counter antiinflammatories that most people take   the narcotics that i was prescribed are horrible  they work but the cost is so vast and too much for me to handle  so I am intermittent or have been in deciding to take them  bouts of pain relievers interspersed with periods of no drugs for as long as I can stand it so that I at least have a few minutes now hours of what I think of as sanity and being myself without chemical affectation
my biggest fear is not being painful but in not being myself or at least a self that I recognize and feel I can come home to  chemicals and drugs are like inviting other beings into my own opportunity and then being un-amazed as they take over my abilities and my experienced perception of life leaving me to sit back and unable to steer or apply brakes or even know for sure that it is really me until I do know that they are like life eaters combined bundles of impetus that require an animated shell a person willing to give up their own opportunity in exchange for pain relief, the fluidity of drink, the exuberance of a gaseous entity, the imagination of a short spurted prerecorded fantasy all waiting to push me aside or you or anyone they care not who or which, which is part of why their use is to me not something I recreate in  because its always one sided  there never is any thought or heart or remorse or ability to stop and choose compassion or even companionship in a chemical  its not a partnership but a dictator ship that I am well aware of not being the ceo in charge when they are on board

it horrifying to me what comes with the trade for the absence of pain
it is a deep dark well of death that I see I could easily not swim clear of if I dove into that drink
my sister who died in that well disconnected from her own breaks  reminds me that if I can see the edge that tries to tipp me over then I am not too far from dry land  and as winston Churchill said when your in hell keep on going

I felt like baking a cake today  I took that as a good sign not that I have the ability to bake it yet  but that the impetus showed up  a good sign that the me that is present is really means I am beginning to see the shore that appears from a tide that has turned at last

my left arm (the one just surgerized) is heavy today   my hand and forearm and upper arm and shoulder and back to my spine have razor-sharp nerve pain when particular motions that I can't quite tame myself to avoid pop out of my intention and seek to delegate my limb to functionality

today when i attempted to write in the morning on my next book my hand was so heavy that it felt like an impossibility to raise it even the small amount that it takes to make my fingers type across the keyboard   my right wrist is lightly balanced  anchored like a balsam glider resting on a table waiting to take off with the slightest breeze  its fingers effortless as they dance across keys to communicate with you   my left hand lays like a downed log from a tree that has soaked in too much water  it is so heavy that I wonder if there will be an indentation on the metal of the laptop once I finish and remove it
my fingers ache and jerk as they push and pull across the keyboard hoping to find their work as the other half of each word in the flesh

i haven't forgotten about you relatives  I've just been trying to find my way first to me and then from there to the familiar person who tries on life and its majesty then chews digests recombines or just stands there amazed at all there is to see feel unlearn and try again or witness and enjoy in this world of ours and then shares because its what I do like the cake I would like to make it feels just right when done

good luck to you this day in balancing left and right   I think I will take a nap now and enjoy the impetus of baking rather more today than the taste of that accomplishment would bring

mb

Post op pecking

Good morning relatives
 Spring is here snow is falling and melting on the same day. Grass is exposed turkey's are back two or three times a day. Thirteen of them!

I had surgery to repair my left shoulder yesterday. The biceps had to be reattached, the labrum repaired and the big surprise was the need to repair my pectoralis major muscle where it attaches to the humerous  so lots of repair.  I already am non painful the pain I felt was so sharp and unrelenting now zero
Yea!

So back to pecking with one hand on the computer !  I am halfway through the first of three parts on my next book it is an observation / thought/ story guide to maybe interpretation is the right word to the yoga sutras of Patanjali. I think I am going to e-publish and print on demand. The sutras are generally published as one book with three parts to the whole. I think I will do three little books  and it will be available soon as I can figure it out  I'm enjoying writing it

Hope you have a great day

Love love love
Mb

song of the stars

Good Mroning Relatives
wow we had two inches of snow last night   it s a perfectly quiet morning

I had the best dreams last night    I have started on my next writing project   Im writing an interpretation of the Yoga sutras of Patanjali     in the dreams I found myself on a different planet  in a different time     one of the people that I know from this time and place was also there

she was suffering from the scars that her father placed in her psyche  there were others there who also were caught in the illusion of the scars and the identity that comes from misidentification of who we are as human beings
which is what the sutras are about  un attaching our identification from the wrong point and attaching it  freeing it so that it returns to it origin  thus freeing us

between my friend, and the other people who were there arose a conflict with a third group  a group of what we would call aliens simply because they are shaped differently than we are  

the conflict was going to be resolved with violence  

I stepped out to the edge between the parties and began to sing   looking up to the night sky  the star sky I began to sing   out of the song that came out of me which I had no memory of knowing  came a reorientation an adjustment between myself and the stars     it grew in strength as the song grew

inside the song inside the connection i could see, feel that the idea that was behind the need for violence was just an illusion

the song changed everything  the orientation it gave healed all the violence

what I woke knowing is that we all carry in our minds the memories  the scars of our past  the wrong identity between ourselves and ourselves  

perhaps it is writing about the Sutras that brought the dream  perhaps it was time for me to hear the song and sing it  

either way what I see is that we are trapped in an illusion that because we believe it we feel threatened we feel angst  we feel like we are what we truly are not

if your mind or your identity today gives you the impetus to be violent relatives  in any way  towards yourself or another  remember that whatever it is that you think you are you are not  whatever it is that pushes you to do something that is negative    that push is only in your mind

let it go   do not invest in what is not real

best
mary

reattachment

Good Morning Relatives

we are living on dry ice here in Pipestone   it is quite and amazing spring   the temperatures are still hovering between the minus and the positive   with a sum total that equals zero

which is where it seems support for this blog is hovering  


now that the first draft of the first book is done and I find myself in the habit of writing  Im going to begin on the next project  

the turkeys have come back here to the front of the house to bask in the heat that reflects off of the steel siding we put up   they congregate on the south side of the house and pulls snake from the small patch of open grass   they chat and visit with each other while just on the other side of the 10 inches of wall that separate us the dogs and I listen in

an update on me I fell on the ice at work and reinsured my left shoulder    now am going through the process of waiting on the workers comp to arrange the surgery to reattach my biceps tendon to its proper place on my arm    another mystery waiting to unfold in the spring

reattachment is not exactly what I have spent my spiritual life doing  reattaching  more of it has been spent in learning how to let go of attachments  

obviously like the temperature there is a balance   obviously without attachments my muscles can't move my arm or hands in the usual way or without pain  

which do you think is more important in this case?

enjoy your day relatives  

best
mary

hey buddy, can you spare some change

Dearest Relatives 

it is a perfect spring day in Pipestone    the snow is melting  the wind howling and the sun is brilliant 

it is spring  a time of change   

todays blog is written by someone else   I am adding a pre and post script  

as many of you know if you have followed this blog from its inception or read back in its accounts that this note and notes originate at a house that the Spirits placed in my hands two years ago   this house is being established as a teaching center and refuge and ceremony place for Grandmothers it is ultimately for the children of the future     shortly after acquiring it a call went out to ask for resources to help with its establishment   it needed much renovation  not five months into its living transition I fell over the stairs and was crushed   it was an event that changed the core of how this place and my life is cared for financially    I never intended to have help or depend on others for money to establish and maintain either my life or this place    however my plan wasn't the same one that the Spirits had in mind.  

  as hard as it was to ask for support for the house and for my life when I was unable to work  i and some friends managed to do that and help came  the help given to my life and to the house was always kept confidential and anonymous as was the request of those who gave  it was and is my pleasure to know some of these men and women but it was my duty to keep their identities private  if they wanted to let others know of what they gave it was their choice not mine.  I can tell you that as a person who has worked since she was 17 and supported herself in this world it has been quite humbling, frustrating and instructive to be persistently on the end of needing financial assistance   some people have been concerned with my physical well being and the journey of healing my body  but what has been much harder was the long climb up the well of emotional trauma that the profound destruction and reconstruction of my life became after I fell   it was singularly unreservedly the second hardest spiritual mental and emotional thing that I have ever had to endure  like a class for extreme internal kung fu     one of the things that helped me through this last 15 months was having not the internet per se   but the monthly unswerving care and commitment that vote of confidence not only in me but in the world I give my life to create that came in the form of that payment every month without fail     it is an extraordinary thing to be cared for with no conditions and no hesitation in this day and age  

there have been three households who have stood by me thick and thin and this house and the gifts that came from it every month, every day for this time.  

one of those persons who gave without fail without reservation and with a deep belief in a world that can be created daily is the grandmother who gave the internet connection to me and the blog for 15 months    now her circumstances are changed as can happen in a life that is dedicated to the narrow path that finds its way to a new world  

she has asked me to ask you if someone or a group of someones would commit to taking over her monthly gift of internet for a committed length of time     i asked her to write a note about who it felt for her to have done what she did   how she saw her gift to all of you and also to herself   

so below you will find her note:    

------

In the Fall of 2012 when Grandmother Mary Brown took her fall in the Grandmothers’ Home she was renovating and living in in Minnesota, it felt to me like all of us GMa’s were being given a wake-up call.  I only saw a bit of what that meant at the time, but over these past months I’ve been given larger glimpses of how this event is an ongoing invitation to all of us.

What I mean is that it seems to me that by having Mary taken “out of the action’ for most of the following year, as she dealt with her extensive injuries from that fall, we were being asked whether we really wanted to come together as a community of caring, or not  -- were our words about being a community just words, or were we actually willing to take the actions necessary to back those words up and make them real in the world?

So when Mary put out the call to us GMa’s asking for help with some things, I responded by offering to pay for her internet service because I felt that her blog and emails were an important lifeline connection for her, and also the best way for us as a community to keep in touch with her.  I’ve been deeply grateful to have been able make those payments over the past 15 months, and I’m writing now to share with you why.

First, it’s been nearly effortless, as the amounts have been predictable, consistent and automatically charged to my credit card each month.  So as long as I didn’t go overboard with my charges (not a good thing to do in any case), I could pay them as another “fixed expense” in my budget.  Beyond that was knowing that with so little effort on my part, I was making a big difference in Mary’s life, giving her this way of staying connected with those who care about her without having to keep asking for help, which none of us likes to do.  And I could, in reading her blog, very easily learn much of what was unfolding in her life day-to-day with her recovery and healing.

So many times over these past 15 months I’ve asked myself why this happened to Mary, but it’s only recently that any of this has made sense to me.  And these insights have come thru my recent readings of the work of Charles Eisenstein, who speaks and writes about our deep longings as humans to do work that truly has worth, and for our connections with each other as family and community.  These personal connections are the pillars of true happiness, and our Western culture has largely eliminated them by making paid services out of what have traditionally been what folks in families and communities naturally offered to each other as gifts.  Every traditional culture was based on these pillars of inter-relationship, and the structures we replaced them with, such as our systems of government, money and medicine are now crumbling because their foundations are not rooted in the trusted connections between people.

Anyway, what I’m realizing is that Mary’s fall has been a “wake-up” call for any of us who are willing to be awakened from our dream of “independence” to recognize that none of us really can go it alone (and this includes couples, too), but that when we join together, we can accomplish just about anything.

So I see Mary’s “accident” as asking us GMa’s to step up to the plate, if we choose, and form a real community with and for each other to offer something of our selves when there is a call for that.

I understand you may feel that helping out would be just a burden and, right now, nothing that you “need,” but in my small experience of this over these past months, I can say that the rewards of being a part of this, of being able to offer some real help to someone I care about, are so rewarding and so satisfying that there’s no way to put a “price” on them.  I have truly received way more than I have given in doing this.

And I’m putting this out to you all now because it is time for me to end my piece of this due to changes in my own financial circumstances, and also, to open this opportunity up for someone else to join and share in this process.  So if you have a space in your life now that would like to be filled with the deep satisfaction of making a profound difference in someone’s life and helping build a caring community, please let Mary know.

What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? 

George Eliot

 ------

so Relatives  what I want you to see today  is that for  the past 15 months she has been giving to you   to any and all who have read this blog  it has been because of her belief in the circle and the willingness to act on that belief that   I have also been able to forward that gift  back to her and others in the form of continuing the work at the house,  writing the blog, and have been working on the first draft of the book "Holding The Fire At Lame Deer"  which I am happy to say has been finished and is in the hands of the first of a series of editors who will help me polish and finish the book so that it can be published    without the internet connection the blog would not have happened and the struggle I had with isolation while I dealt with the transition of my life with my injuries would have been much harder   without her gift many emails writings and connections would not have happened  

so often we wait to commit to something until it is finished and perfect  but one thing that this unfinished imperfect project of a house and my life has taught me is that today is the perfect day to commit   today will have an amazing finish to it if I engage and step into the project and do not wait to see what profit for me will return     the house has taught me that already it was changing lives  making a difference and it was already in your hands even as the Spirits placed it then took it out of mine 

so if you can do nothing other than thank her for her gift please do so   if you can help take up the gift and help it continue then I hope that you can see that it is and has not been a gift for mary brown  but a gift for her and for yourselves  a gift to the world that she, I believe in.  sometimes when we want to make change we are at a loss as to how to do it,  where to make a difference that makes a difference,  this is one small consistent way that a difference can confidently be made.  you may email me at: Thatwoman09@me.com if you wish to be a part of the future maintenance of the internet  

thank you as always for your kind attention and thoughtfulness in changing our world by not just theorizing about it  but by applying that theory to your life 

if we are spare with our change  then the wold will creep to an end short of the change we seek in our lifetime   do not leave the future unsecured by not investing everything you have in its creation today

love love love 

mary

Tighten Up America

Good Morning Relatives

its Super Bowl sunday   I have to work today   I currently work at a gas station/convenience store  I call it the stop and rob     I will let you cogitate on who stops and who gets robbed and in what way

I have to get ready for it   un like the guys who are putting on pads and helmets  I will only have a counter and a smock to keep me safe from the violence that will come at me on the field today
like those guys who work through a season of violence and train I am training  I am preparing for the field of battle the best way I know how

being a person who notices patterns there is a pattern that has come up at the s&r   because I am also a person who bangs against patterns like a bull in a china shop  this pattern has left scars on me that when I get home from work I have to remove   although I have many tattoos which of course are indelible scars  they are scars of my own choosing which is what makes them different than the scars of life which mark us as we make our way  when I look in the mirror I want to see my life, see it as successful, see it as something that grows my life,

I don't want to see the scars that others inflict on me because they have lost respect if they ever had it for me as a human being because I am a cashier at a gas station

we have talked before about how our intention moves our hands, infuses our breath then comes out of our mouth through words and is magnified creating the world that we live in

but are we creating a world that we can live in?  are you creating a world that i can live in?
did you forget when you came in the store that you create the world as you move through it?  I think that some of us have forgotten or never been taught that we do  or that we only have to be attentive at work, or in church, or at the doctor     but that is not true is it?

you can ask any child of a parent who is an elder at a church about how that elder is at home  you can ask any wife of a city council star or political hopeful if they are kind and thoughtful at the end of the day behind closed doors when they think no one is watching, or you can ask your local s&r cashier

when I was little i wanted to make a difference   so I became a doctor   and I made a difference  but like John Lennon who said that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans life happened to me and now I am a cashier  because I fell and crushed my ability to work as a doctor but that fall relatives did not crush my sense of humanity or self respect

it made it raw  it made it even more necessary for me to maintain that respect on the field of humanity when I leave my house every day

after the week I have had at the store, and given todays big day, I have two choices: to show up and play to win or to quit the team    well relatives like those boys who are suiting up today I didn't get this far just to stumble on the goal line

no one wants to go to work and get hacked up, or have their sense of public respect carved away, no one wants to come home and try to stitch themselves back together after some person who hates their life has just taken that hate out on them because they thought that it didn't matter because it is just a gas station and whoever it was that they just mowed over and left like a pile of disregarded Mac Donalds wrappers without a second thought is just a cashier at a gas station

 I know me and I know that I don't quit, the other thing that I know about me is that it is important to me to seek compassion for the knife wielding patrons of our humanity who whether intentionally or unintentionally go through life slashing others with their own angst  why not because I am noble, but because it is my life too and I want my life   and unlike those boys on the field today I get to ask the folks in the stands to participate in the game  because after all its their lives hanging in the balance

so my Super Bowl is this  it is this letter to you and to humanity and like those defensive line men who are going to do everything they can to keep the opposing team from scoring I am going to try today to win one for the Gipper  to win for my team

those guys on the field today have studied tapes of their opponents they know the patterns of loss as well as they know the patterns of success  and at the gas station relatives there is a pattern of defeat as well as a pattern of success  our job is not about whether or not we can get those who come in to actually pay for what they take it is deeper it is much more simple  it is about holding the line so that the pattern of respect with which we create our world wins the day

if you want to create a world where when you get home you are greeted by self respect, love, thoughtfulness towards our environment, spiritual equanimity, world peace, and kindness, fairness; I suggest relatives that you study the lives of those who are cashiers at your local s&r rather than continuing to seek out the Dali Lama or the local pastor, or the next sacred text

because the real world isn't "out there", its on the front line of the life of a cashier. it is here at your local s&r where we are losing our battle for world peace.  we are losing because there is a relentless wearing down of self respect within the minds and hearts of these people who give their lives every day so that they can live. It is in that store where you can kick the field goal that will win the game.  how do I know that? because I have watched the game of creation lose ground inch by precious inch over the past few months. How we treat others and ourselves eventually is how they will treat themselves and you.

what I have noticed is that the longer people work at the s&r the less they are likely to ask customers to abide by the rules of common human respect the less likely they will respect each other or the rules of life's engagement. why? because like those football players whose lives are spent like nickels for gum as they take hit after hit after hit for our enjoyment, those cashiers sense of right and wrong, self respect, and integrity take hits all day long while they try to hold the line of honesty and common decency.
and all day long interspersed between the clean play are the dirty bastards who can't see the trophy for the goal line.  they think that they can come in the store and for one moment or ten minutes suspend the rules of the game, and tear the place apart.  Im not talking about the guys who come in with uzis and masks and destroy it  I'm talking about what is much worse than that.  Im talking about the wearing away by the little worms who eat through the wood of our day leaving behind their piles of poop and a hole through their own self respect.
how do they do it? by eating doughnuts right out of the case, by telling inappropriate sexual jokes to the cashier while they are ringing up a coke and smoke, by spreading gossip like acid, by lashing out at a cashier who reminds them to use the tongs or a paper to get doughnuts rather than over and over licked fingers, by slipping something into a pocket when you think no one is looking, or by violently throwing a tantrum in the face of a cashier who doesn't happen to give a quarter rather than pennies nickels and dimes just because you wanted it that way

there is violence that comes in the door of the s&r and it is not always in the form of a mask and gun   in fact more commonly it is in the form of a violent disregard of respect towards the man or woman who is or has been placed in charge of the store, its contents, the rules of etiquette in that store, its cleanliness, and of course the accurate exchange and guardianship of the money that comes in stays and then goes out

yes it is violence and it impacts all of us just as hard as a lineman crushing a quarterback

how do I know this?  because I have seen people come in and eat doughnuts right out of the case without paying for them, I have listened to people rail at the cook for not having the right type of pizza hot and ready when they want it, I have witnessed someone telling violent sexual jokes in front of their 4 year old who is standing there with them at the counter while the cashier is trapped in the sudden appearance of sexual abuse rearing its ugly head at the counter in the middle of giving change, I have seen someone come unglued and throw all their cash and coin at me when I didn't give them the change in the form they wanted,  I have seen kids of all ages come in and be allowed by their parents to grab, touch, tear up or take any and everything they can get their hands on  all the while the parent is acting like the store is some sort of dog park they can let their kids loose in while they take a break, i have seen teenagers whine about needing an id to by smoke, I have seen those same teenagers steal gas, steal food and rub it in the face of whoever challenged them  as if that dog park they got to rumpus around in when they were four is still a place that they can come in and shit on what ever they feel like just because it makes them feel like they like, I have had elder straight white christians on sunday tell me to shut up when i asked them to use the tongs to get doughnuts rather than their nasty, just licked, unwashed hands to fondle and select what they want from the trays of sugar they are waiting to fall into because their lives suck,

yes I know their lives suck because it is written all over them and what they are not realizing is that their lives are going to suck even more when they eat those doughnuts that have just been slathered in the violent verbal and physical disregard of the humanity that they just spread all over them

need a bath yet relatives?

and we  the people who work at these s&r's we are supposed to be polite, professional, presentable, and indestructibly resilient as we clean up after the last, and stock for the next, wave of patrons who might come in and trash not only the store but our sense of decency our sense of hope our sense of social safety or,  they might not  

those who come in next might also realize that they are guardians of life

we can't always tell you see unlike those teams on the controlled field of play today at the Super Bowl the people who come in the store don't wear the colors that publicly signify to the rest of the world what they are capable of or which team they are playing for or what goal they are willing to mow down the rest of us to get to

so those lowly, insignificant, no nothing cashiers of the s&r where you will today all across the world go to grab ice, beer, pizza, advil, chips, cigarettes, milk or what ever it is that you need to make it through the next four hours, are the guardians, caretakers, at some times janitors, some times chefs, some times accountants, some times drawers of maps, or hotel or tow truck finders, some times a bartender listening to your moment while you are on your way somewhere else, we are the team that today of all days and every day are going to help you relatives create the world in which you will wake tomorrow    

what we are not

is abused wives or husbands,   we are not trash cans for you to dump your shitty day into and then kick when we ask you not to,  we are not your children's baby sitters while you let them run amok, we are not the golden opportunity for you to publicly act out without consequence or recompense,  we are not uneducated, we are not people without feelings, we are not your servants or your whipping posts,  we are not people who need to have a degree and display it in an effort to get you to behave or have respect for our lives or your own

we are your life and believe it or not we don't want you to trash it

so today relatives once again all across America the cashiers and cooks at the myriads of s&r's will do our best to keep you, to remind you, to encourage you and to win one for the Gipper of respect.  to celebrate the victory when you are attentive to the common decency that will help you sleep well tonight and make our baths when we are done a pleasure rather than a painful reminder that we came home sliced up by someone else's negativity and selfishness

I have a degree  more than one actually  and yet it amazes me to find out that there is such a difference between how I was treated as a doctor and how I am treated as a cashier at a s&r  

as a doc I wore a white coat  as a cashier I wear black   what difference does the color make?

its just a gas station  

its just a gas station

its just a gas station

not to me its not     its my life   it may not be work that is noble   it may not be work that fixes the economy   it may not be work that saves souls or bodies   but it is work that saves my life  and I believe saves yours

so Tighten Up America

the camera is rolling the whistle is blown and you are in charge of which team wins

mb

the archeology of love crossing the boundary of a nuance

Good Morning Relatives

its another perfect day here at the Center of the East and West Gate    the ground is covered in fresh snow  the dogs and I have been out looking a the land behind the house  once again asking where the inipi lodge is to go     this spring I think I will put the lodge up and begin to pray

Lily Tomlin used to say I am real person like yourself     I thought of her while I was standing out in the snow thinking of you relatives    I am a real person like yourself

everyday on this journey of the heart we get to decide who we will be     who are we  who am I ?

some of you may know that I am working on a book about the events that happened at Lame Deer   it is not an easy book to write   its like blogging only it is guided by historical events   going back into that time and the time before that time that led to those times is teaching me changing me bringing me back to the reflection in the fire to see what can be seen before the memories turn to ash on the page

last week I spent a long time on the phone with Grandmother Margaret.  we had a good long visit and she picked my giant brain as she calls it    this brain that has helped me unravel the road to myself

Margaret is one of the only people that I know who in my life has accepted me for who I am  fully  with no caveats attached to that acceptance  she sees value in me as me  as do I her  we are peaceful in each others presence    I ask her questions and she answers and she asks me for my thoughts as well and I answer her    we unlock each others brains  we unlock the doors of each others perspective and then step aside and let each other pass through those doors with no expectation of sharing the profit or doom that lies ahead on the path awaiting the one who crosses the threshold.  

after our phone call I sat for a bit realizing that she cared for me  I could feel it lingering in the air around me after our voices had faded away    Margaret is my family  distant yes, estranged yes, complicated by US and Tribal rules that do not apply to the reality of the body and blood unless we hold to them     unless we take them to heart and use them for a purpose  but to her which is the part that is of value to me  I am family  and after I got off of the phone I realized that I could feel it  I felt different  something about her way and my way combined like DNA strands had expressed into something new in me

we had been talking about gratitude  and also about holding our ground   we had been talking about accepting ourselves as we are  even when it means that our family, our friends, our peers, our coworkers, walk away from us or do not understand, yet our unwillingness to bend or shape or reconfigure ourselves for the ease of passage through this tumultuous world.  

I am not the only one who as come along this path of no path  I am not the only one who as fallen down the stairs and had to make the decision to get up and begin again  I am a real person like yourself but I am my person I am the only one inside of me deciding whether or not to get up and what I will do or become when i do get up  

it has always and only been me inside of me as it is the same with you relatives  for most of my life the environment the perspective the mentation of the world around me the story that it wanted me to swallow and I did even when over and over it made me sick was that because I was me and only me I was lonely if I could only find my group or my missing piece (remember that book) or the right perspective to wear like a shiny acceptable outfit for the public I would find peace

but long and hard as I have looked outside of me that outfit never fit

many people have asked me why I fell down, why I do fall down, what is the point ? is it spiritual karma? or just slippery slopes?  but they are too focused on the event rather than the person  it is not the events of our lives that make us or break us   it is us    we ourselves by ourselves

since I was born I have been a puzzle or pattern master  it is a truth that comes from my origin and which I remember and have witnessed over and over again be it jigsaw puzzles when I was 2 years old, beadwork designs, dream interpretation, surgical approaches, recipes for cookies or pasta sauces, or seeing into an unlocked person when they open their own book and let me read it.   yet the completion of the puzzle of me has eluded me most of my life as I travelled the road of Mary collecting the scattered pieces and working to recognize and place them in the continuity from which will flow the overall pattern that will give me at last a sense of accomplishment, of beauty, of finality.
last October I attended a conference on women and spirituality where I attended a class taught by a Hindu professor.  during the course of the class in a question and answer session she called me a scholar.  I have not forgotten her use of that word in describing me.  I have toyed with that piece of my puzzle wondering whether or not to lay it down and connect it to myself or to discard it as not real.

holding that piece up to the my mirror I looked into it  steady and then even more steady I looked into me  into that piece of me handed to me by a stranger as casually as a kleenex for a runny nose.  looking into that piece and into me  holding its prism so that I could reflect on my self i saw there at the core of me down through the ages of my own little rock that I was a scholar  that I was after all was said and done me  I was me  I finally could see through that little lens me  for my self

like the key master whom I have met in the dreamtime who unlocked the door of my room of medicine for me when i needed to know that it was safe while the world around me fell down and was destroyed  he was there with that key and it opened the door to me  to my core
and when we opened that door and unlocked a truth  One Truth about me that resonated through me like the clear tone of a crystal bell  I knew me  in that instant I knew me    a me that I loved   a me that I had enjoyed all my life  the knowing me  the knowing me met me face to face and in that moment I knew me and I also knew that I loved me  I loved me and had never left me  ever

that scholar that i was born to be had never left me not even once  was someone that I knew  someone that I valued and someone who I had, for various reasons applied early on and occasionally over and over like layers of paint that cover up the beautiful nature of wood, not accepted into my heart.  I was someone whom I  myself had not yet accepted as myself for who I am

{some of you may be shaking your heads by now thinking that how could i have been me if I did not accept me, but I tell you that acceptance reveals it self in layers, the closer the layer is to the truth the more it looks like what was just removed moments prior to that revelation, it matters to get to the heart of me, the nuance that prevents stark white from becoming stark black is subtle but impregnable until you or I dig deeper and peel it back}

perhaps this is what is meant by taking god into your heart   I can still see the doors that the key master holds the keys for  doors that have a multitude of keyholes  all manner of shapes and sizes  leading to multitudes of universes moments in time along the continuum of eternity  my limited conscious time with the key master has shown me that what lies beyond the doors is not static nor yet is it lost with time   we only have to open the door to access it    

having self awareness I used to think was some religious thing  a spiritual thing  something to attain something that would perhaps make me a super hero not because I want to be a super hero but because that is what i  thought it would take for me to achieve the me I wanted to be the me I knew I was the me I am when I was a child   but I realize that I don't have to be a super hero  I also realize that I have been and always will be me as I am  and I am lucky enough to in this life have gotten to express that me  through many things   enough that I can look back on my life and see the trail of sparkling me like a cloak of stars through my life   no one extraordinary to me because to me I am ordinary  but someone who was not by me accepted because I was ordinary to me it never occurred to me that I needed to stand look me in the eye see me fully and then say "Yes"  and all this time I have been waiting actively and patiently out side the door of me to me  

this is the best way I know to share this door opening key with you relatives  I can tell you that it is nice to visit with Margaret and to have her mirror to reflect in   we do that for each other  what we encounter who we encounter and how we are with each other changes us  we I cannot depend only on the outside for the view of ourselves but neither can we depend on the inside view singularly   we are not cyclops  we are women and men of perspective  

in balancing our view we review ourselves and each other learning to attend to our intention learning to set aside the weed of self destruction learning to turn in the light like a prism splitting our own hairs to find our way back to the crystal itself that lies in side of ourselves.  

I don't remember what I said to Margaret but she understood that I understood at last that I simply saw me  and in seeing loved me

Margaret said something to me that her Teacher had taught her, then she said something else that made me laugh and made me realize that she came from a different home a different life than i and she had ideas ways of living that for her were non negotiable and one of those ideas is love

so the next time I talk to her we will talk about love  because she lets me ask questions so that we can pick each others brains like little locks that fall open and change our world

love to you this day relatives
good luck with your locks and good luck with your mirrors
Mary