Good Morning Relatives
its another perfect day here at the Center of the East and West Gate the ground is covered in fresh snow the dogs and I have been out looking a the land behind the house once again asking where the inipi lodge is to go this spring I think I will put the lodge up and begin to pray
Lily Tomlin used to say I am real person like yourself I thought of her while I was standing out in the snow thinking of you relatives I am a real person like yourself
everyday on this journey of the heart we get to decide who we will be who are we who am I ?
some of you may know that I am working on a book about the events that happened at Lame Deer it is not an easy book to write its like blogging only it is guided by historical events going back into that time and the time before that time that led to those times is teaching me changing me bringing me back to the reflection in the fire to see what can be seen before the memories turn to ash on the page
last week I spent a long time on the phone with Grandmother Margaret. we had a good long visit and she picked my giant brain as she calls it this brain that has helped me unravel the road to myself
Margaret is one of the only people that I know who in my life has accepted me for who I am fully with no caveats attached to that acceptance she sees value in me as me as do I her we are peaceful in each others presence I ask her questions and she answers and she asks me for my thoughts as well and I answer her we unlock each others brains we unlock the doors of each others perspective and then step aside and let each other pass through those doors with no expectation of sharing the profit or doom that lies ahead on the path awaiting the one who crosses the threshold.
after our phone call I sat for a bit realizing that she cared for me I could feel it lingering in the air around me after our voices had faded away Margaret is my family distant yes, estranged yes, complicated by US and Tribal rules that do not apply to the reality of the body and blood unless we hold to them unless we take them to heart and use them for a purpose but to her which is the part that is of value to me I am family and after I got off of the phone I realized that I could feel it I felt different something about her way and my way combined like DNA strands had expressed into something new in me
we had been talking about gratitude and also about holding our ground we had been talking about accepting ourselves as we are even when it means that our family, our friends, our peers, our coworkers, walk away from us or do not understand, yet our unwillingness to bend or shape or reconfigure ourselves for the ease of passage through this tumultuous world.
I am not the only one who as come along this path of no path I am not the only one who as fallen down the stairs and had to make the decision to get up and begin again I am a real person like yourself but I am my person I am the only one inside of me deciding whether or not to get up and what I will do or become when i do get up
it has always and only been me inside of me as it is the same with you relatives for most of my life the environment the perspective the mentation of the world around me the story that it wanted me to swallow and I did even when over and over it made me sick was that because I was me and only me I was lonely if I could only find my group or my missing piece (remember that book) or the right perspective to wear like a shiny acceptable outfit for the public I would find peace
but long and hard as I have looked outside of me that outfit never fit
many people have asked me why I fell down, why I do fall down, what is the point ? is it spiritual karma? or just slippery slopes? but they are too focused on the event rather than the person it is not the events of our lives that make us or break us it is us we ourselves by ourselves
since I was born I have been a puzzle or pattern master it is a truth that comes from my origin and which I remember and have witnessed over and over again be it jigsaw puzzles when I was 2 years old, beadwork designs, dream interpretation, surgical approaches, recipes for cookies or pasta sauces, or seeing into an unlocked person when they open their own book and let me read it. yet the completion of the puzzle of me has eluded me most of my life as I travelled the road of Mary collecting the scattered pieces and working to recognize and place them in the continuity from which will flow the overall pattern that will give me at last a sense of accomplishment, of beauty, of finality.
last October I attended a conference on women and spirituality where I attended a class taught by a Hindu professor. during the course of the class in a question and answer session she called me a scholar. I have not forgotten her use of that word in describing me. I have toyed with that piece of my puzzle wondering whether or not to lay it down and connect it to myself or to discard it as not real.
holding that piece up to the my mirror I looked into it steady and then even more steady I looked into me into that piece of me handed to me by a stranger as casually as a kleenex for a runny nose. looking into that piece and into me holding its prism so that I could reflect on my self i saw there at the core of me down through the ages of my own little rock that I was a scholar that I was after all was said and done me I was me I finally could see through that little lens me for my self
like the key master whom I have met in the dreamtime who unlocked the door of my room of medicine for me when i needed to know that it was safe while the world around me fell down and was destroyed he was there with that key and it opened the door to me to my core
and when we opened that door and unlocked a truth One Truth about me that resonated through me like the clear tone of a crystal bell I knew me in that instant I knew me a me that I loved a me that I had enjoyed all my life the knowing me the knowing me met me face to face and in that moment I knew me and I also knew that I loved me I loved me and had never left me ever
that scholar that i was born to be had never left me not even once was someone that I knew someone that I valued and someone who I had, for various reasons applied early on and occasionally over and over like layers of paint that cover up the beautiful nature of wood, not accepted into my heart. I was someone whom I myself had not yet accepted as myself for who I am
{some of you may be shaking your heads by now thinking that how could i have been me if I did not accept me, but I tell you that acceptance reveals it self in layers, the closer the layer is to the truth the more it looks like what was just removed moments prior to that revelation, it matters to get to the heart of me, the nuance that prevents stark white from becoming stark black is subtle but impregnable until you or I dig deeper and peel it back}
perhaps this is what is meant by taking god into your heart I can still see the doors that the key master holds the keys for doors that have a multitude of keyholes all manner of shapes and sizes leading to multitudes of universes moments in time along the continuum of eternity my limited conscious time with the key master has shown me that what lies beyond the doors is not static nor yet is it lost with time we only have to open the door to access it
having self awareness I used to think was some religious thing a spiritual thing something to attain something that would perhaps make me a super hero not because I want to be a super hero but because that is what i thought it would take for me to achieve the me I wanted to be the me I knew I was the me I am when I was a child but I realize that I don't have to be a super hero I also realize that I have been and always will be me as I am and I am lucky enough to in this life have gotten to express that me through many things enough that I can look back on my life and see the trail of sparkling me like a cloak of stars through my life no one extraordinary to me because to me I am ordinary but someone who was not by me accepted because I was ordinary to me it never occurred to me that I needed to stand look me in the eye see me fully and then say "Yes" and all this time I have been waiting actively and patiently out side the door of me to me
this is the best way I know to share this door opening key with you relatives I can tell you that it is nice to visit with Margaret and to have her mirror to reflect in we do that for each other what we encounter who we encounter and how we are with each other changes us we I cannot depend only on the outside for the view of ourselves but neither can we depend on the inside view singularly we are not cyclops we are women and men of perspective
in balancing our view we review ourselves and each other learning to attend to our intention learning to set aside the weed of self destruction learning to turn in the light like a prism splitting our own hairs to find our way back to the crystal itself that lies in side of ourselves.
I don't remember what I said to Margaret but she understood that I understood at last that I simply saw me and in seeing loved me
Margaret said something to me that her Teacher had taught her, then she said something else that made me laugh and made me realize that she came from a different home a different life than i and she had ideas ways of living that for her were non negotiable and one of those ideas is love
so the next time I talk to her we will talk about love because she lets me ask questions so that we can pick each others brains like little locks that fall open and change our world
love to you this day relatives
good luck with your locks and good luck with your mirrors
Mary
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