cracking the defense of the offensive self

Good Morning Relatives

how are you?

Well all I can say is Eureka!  Eureka !  
for those of you whom have never come here in the body and seen the old nasty wood floors in the downstairs you will need to know that they at one time had some kind of ancient shag carpet that was orange and black and the carpet pad was black. I can tell because when I pulled up the quarter round from the baseboard remnants were underneath and there are chunks of the back pad stuck to the floor  anyhow in part areas downstairs it appears that corners of the dining room were used for urinals at one point   whether by human or animal is unknown to me  having been a veterinarian and smelled my share of animal urine it was not my first thought that this was due to an animals waste  anyhow long has the urine and the bacteria been chemically mixing and creating a noxious subtle persistent odor that is one of the most challenging things to remove from a porous surface and substrate. the wood floors

there is, like any penetrating thing that becomes imbedded in an organic body, more than one element to the tenacity of its hold on its host.

take the reaction of gut clinching fear that comes in response to various stimuli. one first has to find offensive the reactionary loud voice, harsh words, physical abruptness, violence, or energetic force that erupts out of the fearful when the stimuli occur.  one has to first see these emanating organic learned and practiced if not refined to a t behaviors as not wanted   not okay   not appropriate  damaging  debilitating  self destroying ; one must find one's self offensive, and not the self  itself, but the behaviors emanating  in order to find one's way to a non noxious life

do you want a non noxious life?  is it ok to live in a house that is permeated with old piss? HMMMMM

first one must find the odor of the behavior offensive   so offensive that it creates a persistent unshakable undeniable unalterable willing dedicated committed uswervejable course of pursuit of oneself within the self towards the end goal of the total elimination of said odor in ones life, aura, presence, environment, tool kit, bag of tricks, repertoire, leave taking, wake, waking, or eventual wake.

like the floors here at the house  the odor for me was undeniably present  there was no masking it  no wishing it away no moving the house away from it

I dont know about those of you who have no parts inside that make their way outside when you thought those parts were gone, removed, covered over, forgiven, therapized, yoga-ed, intellectualized, silenced, or simply moved away from or divorced from your organic neurons and cellular response team  but I have those parts

I have them and all my life for as long as I can remember from at least junior high when I finally cracked and acted out in a rage I have had inside of me a urine stain, an organically embedded stain that was not inactive in my life, nor was it cleaned up by those who pissed all over me long ago emotionally, physically, sexually, vibrationally, verbally, and energetically pissed all over me  and into the corners of my heart and mind and body and my own little trusting absorbent organic self

one thing that I have discovered in my life in my attempts to remove urine stains  or at least to inactivate their odor producing life force is that if they are old or not cleaned up immediately and eliminated early  they actually grow in potency and in entrenchment  and they eventually affect the whole house
I have also learned that they are complex  they are relationship be tween different parts
parts that are bound together

and like any other problem or puzzle  or knotted ball of thread sometimes it takes time to get to the core to see all the cogs and find out what put them awry  sometimes it is just one thing out of place  but sometimes it is more than one thing and the nature of that thing being activated in a relationship or way that it will rather than produce life or breathable air produces death and ammonia gas  the parts are the parts they are just stuck in the wrong place

like you and me  and roger rabbits girl,  she wasn't bad, just drawn that way.  so can she be re-drawn?  can we get down to our parts and stop the reactions that are inappropriate and re-appropriate them?  do you want to?  do you care?  do you like living in a house that has old urine in the corners?

so years of trying to figure out about the damn urine in the wood  it finally occurred to me that it was a sum of parts and I had to address the parts that meant that it would take more than one ingredient more than one skill more than one process to get the results I so desperately want
if you look on the internet and research urine stain and odor it is amazing what you will find   like the plethora of self help gurus   in that sea of information I found someone willing to share clearly what worked for her to eliminate urine from her life   ha !  cool

it began with acceptance of what was what it was

organics bind to organics  
sometimes appropriately like water in an apple  sometimes inappropriately like piss on wood

think about it  our bodies know that urine needs to be eliminated so that we can live in balance   in organ-ic harmony   that means that in living, ingesting, drinking our lives up and doing we produce waste  living produces waste  filters out what is not in balance    when we remove and recycle that waste appropriately then we don't end up with piss in the corner  

that means inexperience and learning curves will produce mistakes? practice makes perfect but also produces compost  and it matters that we learn early on and understand about ourselves and each other that we will produce debris, detritus, lactic acid, urine, steam, thoughtlessness, sometimes until we can learn to do differently like tripping on laces till we learn to tie them well, or cutting our finger when chopping and peeling, or eating too much, or taking the wrong turn on our first journey to grandmothers house in the woods.  we will produce urine  

and if we do not learn early on where and how to properly safely thoughtfully direct that stream into the toilet bowl and not on the rim or into the corner or down our leg or someone else's  then it is inevitable that there will be urine somewhere in the house in a place where it will stink up our lives and the lives of any and all who venture into our living space

urine binds to wood and bacteria is present in and on all organic things and the bacteria stimulated by the ph and the sugars and the food of the urine, wood, bacteria become a cycle that perpetually produces an odor  unmistakable in its origin  unshakable in its process

the easy way to end this cycle is to cut out the wood  the plaster the subfloor the joists that all this leaked on over time and got into in its persistent force of natural progression, to cut it out and burn it  to eliminate it totally from the structure  

and I have done so many times in me  in my habits, responses, beliefs, social skills, private thoughts, word strings, hand gestures etc  simply cut out the urine and its stain in my life   and burned it

but like this old house  which has been stripped of all that could be done so and still have it standing  that has had its guts ripped out and scraped off and cut away like a surgeon debriding a gangrenous wound this old house  like myself and my own heart and my own mind and my own organic skeleton eventually came down to the bone  down to the unmovable unremovable un-replaceable place where the gross removal of the structure was not possible and still be able to live  to still have a life  a full life
a life that is clear in its forward ness

I dont want to put the new floor and the overlaid heat system over active odor emanating urine stains.  why build on death, why build over organic compost as if it is not there

I am sure that many of us have tried and still live as someone said "on the river de-nile"  If I smoked cigarettes non stop in the house I might not be able to smell or have the capacity to smell the urine, if I was somehow wasted and or absent from the house I would not need to acknowledge its persistent presence  if I had some sort of life killing denial and ignored my own knowledge I could block out that stain with pure self will and going ahead as if it did not exist pretending if I threw this house away and kept running or bought a new one and covered it with plastic or had no living thing in it that might make a urine mistake ever

pretending that it was not there   pretending that I was not living in constant response to its presence and thus never ever ever not stained myself by that ugly odiferous life altering stain  if I lived that way myself  and if I set the foundation of the floors of the house and its heat system over that rotting buried cesspool it would kill this house and the life that I am and the work and the joy and the beauty that comes from a clear and unbridled heart

whether that heart be the organic heart of a house or the one that beats in my chest
it would kill it

so I paid attention to the inappropriate action and reactions in my life and skill set and pursued the triggers that set them off,  sound, energy, desire from others felt most often even more strongly than mine own, training towards perfectionism, training towards responsibility and religion, training training training

I watched and I endured  and I cut off and burned when I could and separated myself to a singular being whose life became so small and so cellular that when eventually ( and it will come like the odor from the urine and the wood and the bacteria, a batch that cooks and finally wafts into the present) the organic present of that ugly life killing combination of the urine I absorbed unknowingly, unwittingly, innocently as a child or young adult, and the wood with which I build my life, and the motion of my own emotion driven by stain-covering forces born of years of the unseen combination of the forces that were put in me by my makers both eternal and temporal and my own chi my own willpower, fear of failure, dedication to please others, fear of pain, quick as a bunny get it over and move on control the situation lightning grasp on all concerned and shake them with voice or hands or sound to restore the set point, exhaustion, frustration, fear of loss of love

I held myself in the midst of that odiferous morass and watched looking for the tie that binds  looking for in me the nidus of the fear  so that by voicing it  by calling its name and bringing it to the air and choosing clearly at its core to stop its action and reaction in my life   by admitting by exposing by adding air by adding oxygen by doing the work I stopped it  I changed it I had already decided what to replace it with and practiced painstakingly something else  

I told my organics that I was no longer available for dependance,  for loss, for lovelessness, for pleasing others at the cost of my own conscious knowing of right and wrong, that physical pain is not as bad as the loss of self integrity, that failure happens, dogs jump up, bowls drop from hands and break, decisions are made badly, skills are imperfect until perfected, paw prints will be muddy, and dishes pile up in the sink.  why?

why because life happens. because life is organic because we do not grow up amongst people who do not ad or inadvertently piss on us when we are children or naive youngsters, or newly weds, or new doctors, or coworkers  

and when that happens the piss seeps into our organic cracks and mixes with the bacteria  and the sugar of life and begins to stink  and we begin to stink  and then we find out who and how we truly are after all

we find out if we are pissers, moaners, deniers, com posters, sulkers, blamers, gamers, wannabes, abusers, explorers, discoverers, pragmatists, doers, changers, shakers and movers, or remodelers.

we begin the life long pursuit of choosing how we are going to clean up the mess or not   who are we  who do you want to be?

that is the thing I came down to   I found out that things trigger me  buttons therapists call it  I think of it  or them as my guard dogs   sharp sounds, sudden emotion changes when others around me are pushing, or desiring, or venting or vomiting or pissing LOL.  fear that creeps up like a rising tide, gut clenching, accidents, choices that seem to bear the weight of the world, responsibility and what it really means
all these who used to be the wolves that hunted me haunted me  are now the guards at my gate of opportunity  guards that alert me that a choice in me is present and depending on what wagon I hitch my horse to will make all the difference as to whether the barn will catch fire or not

I cannot tell you what or who your wolves are relatives   nor can i give you a magic wand to tame them
but  I can tell you that it can be done    just like the woman who posted how she got rid of urine stain and smell   just like others who have tried and won in the rearrangement of their own molecules so that their relationships with themselves and others are not toxic  it can be done

it can be done

so why does it matter to find this   and why spend so much pencil and paper writing it out and why put it on a public space  because it already is public my dears  if it is in my life it is in yours  if I pissing the corner of my house i have pissed in yours and if I try to live with it covered over it will permeate other corner and free air space that we live in and a house is supposed to be a home isn't it?  it is supposed to be safe and come with good skills and kindness and roofs that shelter and the clink of dishes that served nutritiousness and the laughter and joy and soft voices that acknowledge there are monsters under the bed but that also persevere in the skill of the enduring heart and mind that lives not to profit or retribute but to love  

the heart and hands and breath that is willing to do the work

it matters that we do it openly and in full knowledge of each other  is that not what the light is?

I used to think this old house would not be very useful until it was done  until it was ready  until it was perfect or at least sans urine stains and smell   now I understand that like me, the house and I are useful to ourselves and each other and perhaps to you also relatives both as we are and as we change   as we suss out our damage and repair and restore ourselves to a good living space  is that not what it will take to make this world different?  does it not simply mean after all figuring out truly how to stop pissing in inappropriate places and concurrently learn how to clean up the mess that we were born into, inherited, or unwittingly purchased?  isn't that better than losing my life or the life of this house all together

which would you rather?  the great flood or fire? the cleansing sweep that resets everything back to zero?  or the work that finally will bring about a clean opportunity for that old wood in the corner ?

it took many experiments  and much perseverance and finding the right teachers  and it was nasty relatives  trust me really really nasty work  but I got it  finally    we got it   I think if I had more money I would not have had the patience to work it out    there is nothing like poverty and the persistent soul to produce results  ask JK Rowling, she gave us Harry Potter, a true treasure born out if poverty and persistence. not only her willingness to follow her nose, but to keep it to the grindstone and follow through until Harry and his friends were safe and the evil pissing eliminated from the foreseeable future for themselves and their children's children.  quite the doing

so hydrogen peroxide 3%, mixed with dawn dish soap ( a good squirt ) poured over the area after sifting baking soda (thoroughly covering the affected area with baking soda like powdered sugar on french toast) thickly on the wood,  then scrubbing it with a brush so that it mixes and bubbles really well, then letting that sit and boil and bubble till it stops bubbling perhaps an hour or so , then wiping it up , wiping and picking it up (nasty trust me)  then repeat the process,  then the third time just the hydrogen peroxide and dawn  and let it sit and then wipe it all up  

nasty nasty nasty stuff  

but   !
Eureka !!  viola!  miracle!    no more odor     ha!!!!

reclamation!!  

so its doable    to save the house  

shall we relatives?

love love love
mary