Dear Relatives
its one month since I fell almost to the day
this morning I woke up with severe vertigo really bad pitching and violent movement from my body and perceptory system
I thought I was drunk but that wasnt possible and then I thought maybe I just needed some water but that didn't change it
I was a bit scared I was pitching sideways and up and down and nauseous I had no control over my interaction with the floor and my limbs it was like they would disappear between where I wanted to go and where they would end up
I was scared for a bit I sat down and put my head down and cried for a while not sure why it just felt like that was a good idea to let the spirits know that I was really scared and tired I've never worried about telling them when I am scared or just plain worn out I never feel relatives likethey are not right there with me. I always feel like I can completely trust them it is the only place that I really am able to relax is in thier completeness
I realized today that that vertigo was what made me fall down or over the stairs that feeling of being suddenly and violently thrown sideways and having no ability to stop it or control my body impulses is what propelled me over the side of the stairs to the ground one month ago nov 17th
I was glad to finally understand or connect my memory to something tangible no wonder I fell it was unfortunate that i was going down the stairs when it hit me I had been putting up ceiling most of the day that day and was finishing up and cleaning up and getting ready to make dinner when I started down the stairs and I pitched over I remember that weird violent throwing sideways and then in the air knowing I was in trouble knowing I was in an unrecoverable place that was going to end badly
today it was there when I woke up that odd drunkness and inability to control my legs and feet placement in relation to the floor and my trunk when i started trying to get up and get to the bathroom and get dressed and go downstairs etc I kept falling and pitching and moving without being able to stop it. it was horrible and a horrible reminder of my fall down last month
I was able to see the doctor today in pipsetone she is a good doc she looks me in the eye and listens and she thinks and is present so that is good to be present and to listen is so important for all of us don't you think?
it is good to look life in the eye no matter what it is we are looking at if we look clearly and with acceptance we will be ahead of the game
anyhow I will have a CT on thursday I have to wait a couple of months before I can have an mri on my head due to the new pins and plate in my right wrist. the magnetics would disrupt the plate so we have to wait for that
I will let you know what I find out thank you for your words of love and care I am glad to know you stick with me in this life my life is and has been interesting and yet the most thing I value is knowing you it matters so much to me that you are here along the way with me
this evening I am feeling not so scared life is so full of unknowns so full of events that we could never have predicted and with outcomes so extraordinary that even if we had been given a map we would perhaps have missed the turn
I was talking to a GMa this weekend about holding the fire we talked about how sometimes it is hard to figure out what the fire is and hard to know what our position is in relation to that fire, either of which would make it difficult to figure out how or what to hold. and in retrospective vertigo is alot like not holding the fire great uncertainty!!
we compared notes on our struggles with choice this week for her she was coming to an understanding about not smoking for me it was about not spending money on christmas lights it sounds a little funny to compare the two but they are the same the same dilemma just different carrots on the end of the stick
I asked her why she was considering not smoking and why she would stop ( and this has been a process for her as mine is for me) and she said that she would stop because some part of her one part of her wanted her to. One part of her wanted her to not smoke
how cool is that
It hit me so clearly she was listening so attently and with such respect to herself that she could hear the cells in side of her that said no please do not smoke please it is killing us and we don't want you to
now having been a smoker my self ( I was a two and half pack a day smoker when i was young I loved smoking!) I understand how hard that addiction can be to quit and especially in this environment where we are not supported in listening to that small voice in us that says no everything around us says to compromise, give in, go ahead, indulge, it doesn't matter, override caution, you can recover, it is ok indulge indulge indulge don't worry about wavering don't worry about it no one cares it is an overriding vibration in our world not to care, and that it doesn't matter and that its ok to walk away from the fire someone else will attend it. Really will they ? Im not sure the cigarette manufacturers are attending to my friends cells. I'm not sure the christmas light people are worried about the money for my heat.
My GMa friend, she listened to her cells to the ones the few or many or ?? however many in side of her that said please don't smoke
she could and can hear them and she stopped for them for herself she stopped for that one thing
how cool is that.
that doing that conversation we had that choice for the cells in her so saved me this weekend believe it or not it is has been up until this conversation, so very hard for me to be in the hardware store and to walk past the christmas lights that are on sale for half price and to keep walking.
All my life! it has been so very hard to not spend the money that I am trying to be so careful with on christmas lights its easy to forget that i am cold when I am in the warm store, it is so cheerful to have christmas lights, and what a great price!! I know though inside of me that I have been entrusted with holding the fire that is set with the intention of the money and resources for the GMa house and not delude myself with distracting thoughts of satisfying some memory or fabricated idea of pleasure. I have to not dilute the essence of the care that was given to me to entrust as my GMa friend did not dilute the care of the essence of the cells she was entrusted to care for in her own body and neither did she delude her self with a story about one more cigarette and its satisfaction
she listened to the small clear request and held it I listened to the small clear intention of the support given here and held it together we held it and in doing so we strengthened the vibration of holding the fire holding the intention holding the in the vibration in the ether for both of us for each other and for all
now when I stand and look at the lights I know that my friend is there with me and I know that when I don't buy them to satisfy that momentary gotta have this and it will give me that sensation I am having a merry christmas and we all know how important that is and I don't want to be left out of that feeling and I don't want to not have cheer, and on and on so fast that distraction can go looking for any and every reason it can find to draw me away from the fire, from tending the fire I was set to hold. and that delusion doesn't care what the cost is it doesn't care that drawing me away from the fire, miss-spending that trust money or my friend smoking a cigarette will destroy unrecoverable cells, unrecoverable resources, and so even though it will cost us an irreplaceable resource it tugs at me, at her, all all of us standing there wherever we are and we wonder why there is such vertigo in the world around us? such heartless ness in all the choices I have wondered this for years and struggled with this for years and yet just this time have I seen that it is simply things trying to distract me from tending the fire. I was never taught to tend my own fire relatives
I was never taught to listen to my cells and that it is not about right or wrong and it is not about good or bad its about the fire, my fire about what mary is and who she wants to be and how she lays her fire everyday and then keeps it and everything else is just not part of that fire tending
my friend and life the stairs the vertigo this house the donations the christmas lights all of it being at lame deer all of it all of everything has been teaching me to teach you that you are the fire
we are the fire each of us a fire
and we simply choose to tend it or not to hold it or not
and we get to choose how to set it how to build it and once we choose then we either keep it or not
and if I do this then it will matter to your fire to hers to the family at lame deer it will matter so much more than any lights or any cigarette
and now I know that I am also standing for her for her cells and her not smoking we are standing together creating a bond of trust and listening and love and endurance across the night sky through the motion of the day
we stand together at the fire undiluted and un-deluded in the simplicity of knowing what position we choose to take.
so relatives this season, my conversation with my friend, the care you have sent, the trust I an to oversee, the challenges of temporal and physical disruption, the pain and confusion of healing, the violent and uncontrollable perceptional relations with my external environment, the illusive idea of winter and comfort and joy, the battle with memory and pleasure and cellular respect, the steadfast love of the spirits, and of going forward forward to learn and become and give back so that you can not only go forward but far exceed anything I ever could understand or do. that is what is moving here at the end of the year that is what the winter season is for to listen to wait or choose our position figure out what is the fire and what is your choice my choice our choice about relating to it and stand simply take a stand and hold it
when our mind or our memories or our ego or our fear of feeling what we think is coming or our need for feeling again something that we had once and want over and over again pulls us and pushes us away from our own simple commitment to our own health or well being
it can be tough
especially if we think we are alone,
especially if we feel that at that moment we are alone
we lose sight of what we value as fire,
we lose sight of our own value to the fire itself.
I think we perhaps have never known that we are the fire and as such we are worth keeping
we can be distracted and change our focus, and once we change our focus we lose sight of what we came to do we begin to see that our choices can have us rolling across the water of life like a pitching deck of a ship from one illusion of satisfaction to another all the while our center is asking us to stop relying on the external input that is so violently at odds with that steady quiet place of holding the fire
Grandmothers
Relatives
Freinds
you are a good fire
you are worth keeping
I am a good fire
I am worth keeping
keep your fire
hold your choice
endure
we are standign together
we are standing together at the fire
I love you so very very much
every day
and every night
thank you to the deck of the pitching ship of life for throwing me to this shore
mary
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