Good evening Relatives
How are you? We are so far apart like a cosmic event whose impetus we are barely able to discern is blowing us out to sea so far from each other so far from what we once were so strong and yet so subtle that the change in our heading is often not recognized until the shore upon which we land becomes the ocean that separates us one from the other
I watched two movies today the first was a spoof on spy/bond movies called the kingsmen starring colin firth I like him it was ok actually funny and original almost elegant in an odd way that lured me in maybe because I am part Scottish and there was a lot of plaid and great accents anyhow in the film a black man causes/directs/purposefully coordinates the murder of fifty or more white people in a church in Kentucky I understand intellectually that it is a film a spoof not real but it immediately and irrevocably brought to my mind the memory of the very real event of a white man murdering multiple black people in a church in south carolina / charleston and once I was deposited on that shore wondering about the exact mirror of murder between "reality" and "the movies" I got stuck
I got stuck because I couldn't figure out which came first the movie or the murder? I didn't like it and because of the deaths in charleston I couldn't go back to being "lost" in the movie. maybe that is a good thing, maybe it means that film has outgrown its ability to give us a place to go where we can escape who we are and who we live with and are surrounded by maybe that is a good thing because it removes one more buffer
but it also made me feel like I live on a different continent than perhaps lots of other people do and that made me wonder how should I feel about that? and I haven't decided yet to settle on one feeling more than another.
I feel as if I am standing on that shore watching people die over and over and cannot escape the loss of humanity that translates in to action into psychotic disregard for life into the over and over and over and over insatiable impulse towards violence violence that leaves an impact a scar that cannot be moderated and I wondered if that man in south carolina who killed those people in that church had watched the same movie
a horrific scene both in Charleston and in the movie, senseless in so many ways and on so many levels and so unexpected and yet part of me was not surprised but sad and it felt to me like my world, my shore drifted a little further away from the shore that everyone else lives on and even though it was a little sad and silent i was ok with the idea that I don't live on that shore and I wondered at where or what shore did the librarian who recommended that movie to me today was standing on when she talked about the hilarity of the film and how funny it was as if the link to the dead in the church never happened
I see myself standing on a different shore perhaps in the same world perhaps not I am not sure and I am no longer sure that it matters really not because I am deluding myself into thinking a blind eye will make the dead not visible but because I know that in my place, in me, in my world I see something that I choose to reject and attentively down to the minutia of activation out of my life and world and that something is violence violence gets no oxygen in my life on my planet
when I fell in 2012 my brain got disconnected there were other physical and mental injuries I had to address and have been and have been working towards recovering the use of my physical self but my brain my memory my ability to retrieve, assess, collate, finesse and weave into reality the vast array of what it is that was available in the world around me in my world in my life got disrupted severely it got crushed so badly so disconnected that I was afraid that I would never know myself again
that I would never be able to recognize me or avail myself of the me that I knew like an old friend the oldest friend in my life I knew right away i would never be able to be a doctor practicing again because the blanks in my cognition were so vast and so complete to me that I knew at least that I could remember that I could not remember what it was and would be necessary to take care of a patient and I still remember that the first part of my oath was to first do no harm
its not disappointing to not be a doctor practicing again, I was a good doctor, I remember that, it already happened, I'm not addicted to what I was what is disappointing is that I have yet to find someone who understands that its not important to me to be a doctor any more, I am proud of me for being able to be enough of a doctor to say no to practicing, and to have the courage to walk away from what was into a life I have no idea about, and that I recognize that the most important thing is, that I be important to me, that I value me really, truly, perfectly. the most Important thing is not that what they project on me is mourned or strived for its disappointing that they don't seem to hear me or value me now and the shores on which we stand again drift further apart
but I am arriving at a functional brain again I am healing and it is a relief to me I have lost somethings that I will never recover and I will not begrudge me this even as I find the limits sometimes through exhaustion sometimes through physical reaction ( I am getting ready to move and when one of my friends told me she would even though she hated the thought of it, would bring her horse trailer out to pipestone and help me move and she wanted to know how much stuff I had to move I found that inside of me there no longer existed that person who could have that conversation with a friend, and i got scared, and I got hot and I said to her that I didn't have the ability any longer to discuss that with her or anyone else and that the thought of that discussion, trying to defend what I had or coordinate with someone about why was I moving this or that and why was I making my choices and timing I no longer could do that and inside of me I got scared and got angry because it felt like a wall that I could never possibly climb or even imagine a door in let along figure out how to open and go through it, so i preferred to move by myself with no help because I didn't want to feel that sense of fear and inability so irrevocably in myself so I just told her and that was that and in a little bit the fear went away and I didn't have to be the person who overcame her lack of skill because I quite frankly just never would again be able to do it so it was ok to simply say I can't go there any longer and find a different place to go find a place that I could go and go there instead) and today when i was bringing things down the stairs carefully and slowly after about three things, three times down the stairs I found that I was hyperventilating and scared and dizzy so I stopped and I said to me good job and good for you that you stopped tomorrow you can try again
so what I wonder is do you think I have to or will have to have a whole new set of friends that don't know me since the me I am today doesn't really too much resemble the me I was yesterday? and do you think that whole new set of friends will be because I can't relate any longer or because my old friends were so invested in who I was that they can't reconcile even if I can that I am no longer on that shore of familiarity
is that what love is ? having the impetus to love yourself to recognize that I am so amazing and so able even when I no longer am very much at all what I was or who I was? do you think there will be people in my life who care for my essence and understand that the expression of me as myself is still a universe that is unfolding and do you think they will celebrate me or abandon ship cut the ties between the interests, the hearts that watch across the void that allows me to unfold without fear without design and allows me to see them as they are and enjoy that they are so not me ?
the second film I watched was Still Alice I had read the book I was a little afraid of the movie but it worked out I took a chance on Julianne Moore and she delivered its a good movie no one wants to face the reality that their reality is so vastly different from everyone else or that there is no way that they can reverse the propulsion that is carrying them away from what was into what is and what will be
it's ok perhaps I could have more I am not sure really but what Ic an tell all you other space and time travelers is that I have me and I know me and I am peacefully pleased to know me still, after all these years
sleep tight
mb
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