Winter wonder land

Good morning Relatives

Its windy here in Pipestone   the wind is literally howling down the chimney  its quite something to stand out on the snow while the dogs have their morning constitutional and have the wind clean off every wisp of the past  

of course its quite cold out  but somehow it feels really refreshing first thing in the morning    I always think of Ben Franklin and his daily air baths   today the moon is still up  not full any longer already waning as the world comes between herself and her light  so where does that light shine when it is not shining on us ?

I'm waiting on the tea to brew   to take the dogs back out in the morning just for a bit   they are really good dogs  especially this time of year when we have runs of days when it is too cold to be out more than one or two minutes   and inside they spend only a small portion of the day off and on playing then its in their crates to meditate while I am either at the doctor, the library or resting   they are learning to be still when they are not in their crates  which is nice

there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about in the winter  there are some things that go on in my life that I never write about at all.

one thing that my injuries brought into my life is the experience of being connected in a way that I was not previously   previously I think my heart and my mind and my body and my effort were all disconnected  like worker bees that belonged to the same colony  then my Dantian woke up and took over which is amazing and wonderful but very different   it means that the parts of me that worked so diligently separately now tax one another leaving me as a whole rather depleted  I am only just learning not to deplete my self  nor to channel or flush all that I have into one effort as if the balance in my life did not matter or was infinitely recoverable  perhaps it is but when one thing drains me to the point of circling the drain there is something I am not paying attention to about why I am allowing that or seeking it? perhaps

I do know that I have no more tolerance for trauma  and what is funny is that i have discovered that I actually have no responsibility to tolerate trauma   another thing from my primary education discarded   yea  maybe I can take that vacation now and actually go and enjoy the beach

winter sounds are different than summer sounds  especially winter sounds in town  

here the snow plows begin their work at 4am  so if there are going to be owls visiting and I have any chance of hearing them in the night it has to be before the plows begin

I prefer the sounds of the woods  of the water running of the leaves on the trees or the mammals moving about   or the wind  like today   the wind is flexing its muscles against any and all that stand in its way

the other night I went out to get wood from the lean-to and discovered that the pheasant that I had watched walk around the yard while I was writing that day had decided to roost in the rafters of the shed  the explosion of pheasant and dog that was my companion in that tiny space in the dark was so amazing  so much surprise and fear and force coming from the pheasant   so much alert protectiveness from the dog  and me standing still listening holding the wood simply making sure I didn't do anything that would cause me to fall

thats it isn't it  what the winter can be about  learning to stand still and not fall  learning not to leap out in fear, or protectiveness, or service, or what ever    learning to not take hold of the fist of the illusion of control  learning to stop seeking for some kind of input that will entertain me or distract me but rather to find the part in me like when the wind meets my skin in the morning that part of me that perceives it as excellent to be able to find that part in me no matter what is happening with the wind or the moon or the body I wear

I have reached the end of something inside of me this year     the end of debating how to or why or what or which

my writing will change because of it    but the thing is that I think Ive had enough of those kinds of conversations  I would like to go forward to just playing I think   to enjoying what I have learned and fought hard with myself and others to become  I think its enough struggling for me

I've never been much of one for drivel  or talking about stuff that is simply the repeat of someone else trauma or disappointment  or listening to someone trash their family their boss or their whoever  it is just a waste of now to dredge up and vomit all over me and then I have to go and clean off  and start over  

what good is it to think or perpetrate that that kind of standing around and letting oneself be assaulted by someone else's displeasure at their own life or their frustration built on a high emotion rather than a frustration at actually really trying to work something out and not yet making the corner so they keep slamming into the wall of their own blind spot  

we all have blind spots   and we ram into them or use them to run someone else over

until the day comes where we think oh  you know Im tired of that   and we stop   and we stand still until we understand what to do next which sometimes takes a very long winter to find

now i think its time for me to learn how to have the moment as it self  without dragging conversation about the past into it  or allowing someone to fill my moment with their waste products   I think its time to actually learn what is worth having a conversation about  and may be if there is nothing to chat about to be perfectly ok with no sound  no harmony no music blaring all the time  no tv no story running  no plans about the future or assessment of whatever

maybe the sound between myself and others can be discovered and enjoyed without what I used to fill it with  I don't know Ill have to find someone who can understand that without me teaching it to them and then they will have to choose it like I did. they will have to choose it because of them and what comes from it not because of me

have a good day relatives tomorrow it won't exist
mb