it's a weird thing isn't it needing to actually discover and learn and then practice new skills if we are going to actually have, allow, and enjoy a world that is different than the one we have walked away from
but there is no other choice is there? I suppose that there is the choice of not doing it but then what would become of all that newborn creativity if we use it to simply recreate what killed us in the first place?
I had a crazy horrible dream about the bank failing and by that I mean THE BANK you know what we all believe in well in my dream it failed kaput bankrupt insolvent
so for me that meant panic not sure about what it would do to you but to me panic then mad really mad sort of in a horrible told you so way awful feeling horrible
and then completely unnerved I was caught in a night mare caught in the past by looking back, my feet no longer flowing in my present which was caught by my eyes and senses and the essence of me that I let turn back. I felt like Lot's wife slowly turning to salt by looking back and admiring the horror of what was foretold actually blossoming and coming true right before my eyes and the backs of those who were fleeing and NOT looking back I didn't want to be salt to be consumed by tears which is how I felt that I was dissolving into tears it was comforting in a horrid crazy death calling way comforting but not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be
what happens when we leave the present for the past ? what happens when we use the past to define our present? a past that we have put to death, that we have sent on its way to it's inevitable demise. we who are used to being steady in now that we believed in to be true and viable. what happens what happens when we try to be in the present when all we can FEEL is the pain of the past ? how do we unfreeze ourselves ?
so what do we use to save kung fu from what defeats kung fu?
we use kung fu
I know that is a little bit mysterious and kungfuy but its way more concise than what is to follow
being caught in the fear and pain and rawness and tears of the past/present I got out of bed
I wanted to be held to be comforted but something in me finally realized that one of the reason I have not been in the position of actually having comfort; hugs, thoughtful hands, chests to hug that are solid and warm and gentle, laughter that gently put you/me back on your/my feet, then teases that help you/me regain your/my steadiness and then trust and love that allows you/me to go on and forward and leave behind what ever it was that was back there
the reason I had not been allowed or to have that was that I did not yet have the skills to make it something that was not the past that was not diseased or insolvent. Life knows that I am not interested in what destroys and I am aware that the subtle start of a downhill path often looks so exactly like the stairs that lead up to heaven, I should have known that opportunity when proffered me was opportunity to change the world, my world, because changing my world, my path, my skill, my actions and application of theory will change my world and changing my world, changing me will most directly and solidly change all of you THAT is kung fu that is NOW a NEW NOW
and up until then when I reached for comfort I didn't really know how to have it in a non dependent creepy biohazard biofeedback horrible way. but what do we know when we look in a mirror we know that the opposite of where we find ourselves exists and because we know that it exists i.e. the opposite of a lie is truth, the opposite of not now is now the opposite of me who is not educated, skilled, confident and joyful, is me that is the me who can receive comfort and give it without myself or the other person being trapped in it or covered in sticky nasty crap meant I had to be different I had to discover and become new skills, but I also had to be engaged with a person or persons who are different as well
no wonder its been a bit bollocksed till now I wasn't at the root of the weed yet hmm one more root rooted out
that revelation did not scare me rather it helped me to see finally the light of the door that I didn't know I needed to open
the whole thing is about learning to have NOW to be now
its back to the exercise of inner peace in kung fu panda 2 letting the past go even if I have just woken up from it s night mare
but not in a oh you didn't happen way Nope that's not it living on the river DeNile is not a good idea either
present in the present with the past as the past but not denied learn new skills
the only thing that would bring me back to NOW was NOW
the only way to have a now that is not the past is to leave the past out of it
the only thing that can save kung fu from what defeats kung fu is kung fu
so getting dressed, letting the dogs out, the cat in, scooping the poop, making coffee, slicing bread for french toast, feeding the dogs, eye meds for stinky, pouring coffee, make the fire all at the same time breathing and feeling my Dantian rather than cutting off my gut and walling off what I came out of (and trust me it was the scariest tunnel of love that Ive ever been in) whew
and now NOW I am I find I am ok wow interesting cool
and exhausting all this doing is so traumatizing I suppose it is better than starting over isn't it?
I can do this I can discover you in the moment without knowing all about your past and you can discover me in the moment without knowing all about my past
we may not have a big moment or know at first go how to have all that it is but I have an idea that will grow and change as our skill develops but first we have to decide to have that skill
first we have to believe
thanx for that
love
mary
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