falling down

Good Morning Relatives

How is your fall coming down?   it has been pleasant here at the center of the east and west gate    the leaves are changing and falling all in the same day   some days are in the 80's  some in the 50's   all perfect in their own way

how many of us have tried to figure out what it means to have ourselves even for one day perfectly?

I think for me it has been hardest to root out judgement and fear  self judgment  judgement of others  fear of finding out who I am and of being different even as I enjoyed the wonder and amazement the satisfaction that that difference privately provided me

so back to the meditation on the tree

each part connected to the whole  each part a cell of the heartwood, the cambium, the bark, the root, the branch, the leaf   each and everyone the same in its identity as being a part of a beautiful whole  yet each part each intake and exhale of lifes breath through each cell differently perceived  differently used appreciated or resisted   each leaf the same but so so very different

and the entire thing at peace with its difference  at peace with its combination

long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept me I  began to do so

long after I thought I had discovered what it meant to accept you  I began to do so

fear abates finally

peace takes its place  fills me with the simpleness of standing still

it is enough

Love Needs a Footprint

Good Morning Relatives

I thought about the events that took place on 9-11-01  truly a day of lunacy    and since that day we have been at war for over 5110 days   we as a nation acted as if we could eliminate the vulgar the horrific the violent from our world body  if we went to war and did our best to kill what brought us so much pain and loss then somehow that would make it all go away make it better  make us normal again   but how can we ever be normal if normal means that which never felt loss or pain or put upon by those who cannot think beyond death   why have we put our lives in the hands of those who such a small and tight and painful grip on the soul of the world   why do we not see that they are the small thorn that reminds us why we take a break and laugh, or play, or be gentle and generous

 the war that followed 9-11 was not just about vengeance, it was about profit and dominance of one right over another using might  using death, starvation, threat of violence, economic infiltration and dominance

instead of our government helping us heal from that tragic day they have made the scar bigger and deeper

it just seems to not make very much sense does it?

what happened to making the peaceful bigger  what happened to our global footprint?

for two years I have been dealing with the pain and loss, the fear and change in my psyche that falling and being crushed did to me.  I thought last winter that I had it made  I was in the clear and on the road to freedom when I slipped on the ice at the little job I had taken on and fell again, only this time even though the fall was not as horrific the injuries to my shoulder were more severe and have more devastating effect.

why does this matter?  how does it relate to 9-11 ?

falling down changed my self perspective   the pain and persistent losses attract my focus like flies to butter or dogs to a bone     the efforts to heal, rehabilitate and restore my upper left quadrant to its former or I would even settle for a new glory keep that focus squarely on the damage and pain meter that became the only mirror in which I gazed striving to see a me that did not have pain and loss or that memory of such an horrific event in my mind, in my day, in my life

I think many of us want the horror and the pain in our lives to be gone  like magic  to be eliminated like the Taliban from the face of our earth  

but its not going to happen  we can't erase events and if we did it would surely erase those who died while on their innocent road  those who were bringing beauty to their lives and the lives of those who they knew  erasing would erase them as well

but if you are or were anything like me after I was injured all I can think about is I don't want this pain I don't want to feel this way  I don't remember what I used to do only what I can't do now and my day is measured in pain and loss  and unbeknownst to me my upper left quadrant became my identity and the more I pushed and struggled against it the less of me as a happy person or a peaceful person existed

then the rehab people put me in the pool   and what a difference   all of the sudden what I could feel was that there was more of me that was happy, whole and healthy than the 1/4 of me that was not  and even in that 1/4 there were parts that were not all bad   it was a new day and I had happy back in my life  

then I went to the lymphologist and she worked on my left quadrant to move the stagnant lymph out of its entrenchment  and all of that toxicity hitting my system made me sick  and it brought all that pain right back  but this time because I had been in the pool and found happy in me real as all get out that pain persona had a hole in its argument that it owned me  that it defined me and that it was all that I should focus on

there is a difference when we are called to fight or to respond in kind to violence when we do not let that violence take hold of our identity,  there is a difference in us and created in our world when we, rather than fighting, call to mind that which is not violent  that which is not in pain and instead lift up hold and consider truly all the kindness and goodness and peace that also exists

I am typing here one hand quiet and peaceful  one hand in terrific pain, tight, reactive.  both are me  one the quiet one feels like love to me  the other feels like war  ready to leap off the cliff and take me with it to a bitter end

before the pool I forgot about how most of me is love  most of me is quiet and steady  I only thought about the war that I was raging against events that changed me  events that I cannot erase from my cellular memory   I thought I was doing the right thing going to war against me

but now I am not so sure

I think the pain will recede, I think the tissues mend, I think it will take time, perhaps the rest of my life to heal and to rebuild and I may never live another day without that footprint of horror in my body  but what I find is that I have two feet  two hands  two shoulders two rib cages and one is quiet both are me  as a whole being I find that the pain is not so overwhelming when I look at the sum total of who I am  and I find that just admitting the presence of love, of peace in myself makes the pain more bearable   it doesn't magically change me into a functional perfect being but it changes my self identification and it changes my sense of worth  it give me grace   it reminds me of the life that was before and the life that is still  a good life  it keeps me from warring with me and I have an idea that without that war I would and will eventually have more peace in my body than pain

love has to have a footprint in our life

we can choose to strengthen that which makes war  or strengthen that which makes peace   peace dose not come by killing that part of us that feels pain or has suffered loss we cannot conquer death  but we can live life can't we?

we cannot win a war ever  there is no erasing or eliminating pain or death with more pain and death and with cutting off our hateful parts from that which is greater  that which is peaceful

we are all of it and until we stop raging against ourselves we will never rest

find the love in you  find the peace   give it a foot print  lay down your arms against yourself

I have

mb