I want to talk about motion
I want to think about motion and how it distracts us from seeing ourselves as we are how it gives us the false promise of security how it holds violence as a sacred core inside of our hearts
Think of throwing a rock into a pool more often than not I watch the ripples rather than the rock
I focus on the waters motion rather than the idea of the rock sinking to the bottom immediately lost from thought or awareness
because of the motion of the water my attention has already moved on from the rock and its silent sinking presence forever changing the landscape of the bottom of the lake displacing water from its resting place over time hardening into a stone mountain buried beneath the water that distracts from the leviathan growing beneath the eye catching surface
today I want to think about the rock
and the arm that threw it
I want to think about why and what I am that I would cast a stone
I dreamed last night that I was out amongst a crowd of people whom I did not know and they took my shirt off and were looking at my tattoos and writing on my skin and pushing me with their curiosity and when I was conscious enough to wake within that onslaught my response was to threaten them, to threaten them with extreme violence to make them stop and in the face of their disbelief I was resolute and along came one who did know me and reassured the others that I would indeed harm them in the extreme if they continued violating me yet when I tried to act on my violent intention it was as it has always been in the dreamtime completely ineffectual.
which left all of us in sort of an interesting conundrum.
dreams are funny that way very valuable very honest sometimes too honest eh?
so I thought back to Lame Deer, and the fire, and the man who tried to kill me there and I thought about how it was that I responded with no resistance to him and how he finally came face to face with himself and left me out of the equation
somewhere in my own equation I have not left out violence
and that for me is unacceptable
so
get out the thinking cap, the coffee, take the dogs on a walk first thing and find a robins egg broken open on this beautiful spring day
its time to break open me and look inside at what it is that I have given birth to and what kind of birth I want to give tomorrow
and so I came in the house and looked at the eye of the fifth wind and saw what I could see
part of what I woke up thinking is that when someone pushes and the one they push against does not push back but moves where ever the pusher pushes them, then the position of the first changes. the pusher moves. their position progresses because there is resistance. the feeling of power of control is conceived to originate outside of themselves between or about themselves and that upon which they are pushing. there is resistance because there is motion there is movement between the two which leads to judgment or evaluation by the pusher who then may change the pushing according to the desire that originated the push, the results of which may or may not satisfy and therefore the motion of the resistance that gives way to the push, which is usually seen as non-violent is in fact an action or response that can only serve to escalate the desire of the original push and thus is also a contributor to violence.
then I was thinking about how standing without pushing back and without being moved not even in the mind or breath is not resistance it is nothing ness that is not solid but not moveable it is standing, sitting, existing with no engagement or transfer or interaction in any way with the push or the pusher
think of the water not reacting to the stone thrown into its midst
over and over, stone, water, nothing
stone, water, nothing
stone, water, nothing
stone, water
stone, water
stone
I was thinking how when someone pushes at that type of person then what they end up seeing eventually, because there is no movement other than the pusher themselves, is themselves
the stone
the arm that wants to throw it
the want behind the toss
the desire attached to the ripple effect
and that is it isn't it?
the desire attached to the ripple effect
and thus the mountain of stones at the bottom of the water of our clarity
waiting for us to retrieve them and look into the hardness that they lend to our hearts and our lives
hardness that protects only as long as it creates usefully distractive motion in and amongst all that is around us
the ripple effect that focuses the eye away from the stone
the nidus of that which is rock hard at the bottom of a push
and when I see my own hardness in the light of no resistance, I am not sure what to do with it
yet
when i looked last night into the water of my own clarity I saw that I was willing to be violent to protect myself, specifically to keep strangers from touching me without my permission
where did that come from?
why do I feel the need to use violence to ensure that I am not harmed, not touched without permission?
why do I think that strangers want to touch me?
why do I associate touch with fear?
why does curiosity give permission to act without permission?
why are we all responsible for each others conundrums?
curiosity is something that I reserve for anything that does not pertain to another human being
for this I have been accused of being uncaring when in fact it is simply an adaptation designed to ensure survival and also to somehow restore all the respect that I have witnessed loss of
how can I go about being out and about and not be assaulted by the touch of the curious
if the water of my life is still while rocks are cast over and over into its unmoving surface, am I risking isolation or mirroring respect
still my thoughts are not still
I have to return to the rock the nidus the samscara to the motion to the bottom of the well
what I found at the bottom of my well is fear
and that fear does not want me to let go of its hardness even though I can mentally understand that it is a shell that is already broken
and I do not want to let it go because I do not know what to put in its place
how is it that water has a memory?
how is it that our connections carry such traumas
who did I believe when I learned that violence is successful?
there is no violence in the dreamtime that is successful and yet I see that I have clung to it as if it was a life raft in a drowning sea
I must have grown up in a sea that was awash with fear
fear that swamped the boat over and over drowning all of us in violence
who will do the work? climb the mountain and learn to stop casting stones to stop pushing each other to end violence and no longer be caught in the casting grip of fear?
I will because I am worth it I always was
and without a seamless sea I cannot hope to be a safe shore for you or any other
and that is the thing that I was born knowing
that we are all worth it
and fear is not necessary
but it scared everyone, my fearlessness, my joy, and then because they were scared, they became violent and scared me, and in turn I believed that fear was important, that violence was the cure, and somehow inside of me was the disease
interesting isn't it?
I have brought that fear back to the shore, releasing it from its hardness, myself from its familiarity, its false promise laid it to rest
the view is worth it
love
mb
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