When I grow up I want to be Jane Fonda

 Good morning Relatives 

how are you doing?  the fall is arriving and I was reminded of Jane Fonda the other day when she popped up on the New York Times interview post.  I love Jane Fonda  she is herself and she is our champion  like any good leader her mistakes are tempered by her willingness to admit she was wrong then get on with making strides in the corrected course.  she has a tension in her voice that radiates power, commitment, and courage.  

one of the best things that I love about her is that when I say I want to be her when I grow up, she would look me straight in the eye and say, " Snap out of it Mary! Be yourself!!! it's something I can never do."  

and of course she would be correct   I am something that no one else can do 

Snap out of it!

there is no other that can ever be 

as you as you are or as me as me 

I can wish and I can moan 

but into Jane Fonda I've never grown

her light can guide me her fight convince 

that my grass is greener on this side of the fence

I'm not your mother I'm not your friend

I'm just a light that no saber can bend

we remember each other  we try and try, again and again  and if we have the courage to learn the willingness to free-fall into an idea that is different than the one we started with then we can use our resources  instead of letting them rot in the have nots and could have bins

wake up and smell the cake burning!  the house is on fire and Jane Fonda and I are outside with our light sabers waiting to see if you will run out and join us or if you will perish in the memory of who you thought you were or aught to be or are stuck in or wannabe

yes lives matter yes human beings come in different colors yes there are those who are and have been willing to use color as a weapon but that doesn't mean we have to participate in the madness of the past Jane Fonda teaches us every single day that no one is in charge of her reality no one gets to decide that black is black and white is right no one 

NO ONE

be courageous learn the skill of not participating in acts that harm others stop accepting the premise that those who came before or are there first are in charge or have the authority of whatever course is being set deny them the right to tell you what is right

when you tear down or trash or burn or act in a hateful manner you are being exactly like the people who are willing to kill for color

don't kill for color 

who ever thought that we would have to go all the way back to the first grade when I met and got to be best friends with a girl that was so amazing that I went back to school day after day not to do my homework or to get good grades or to be a good girl, I went back to school every day so that I could see her and hold hands and listen to her voice   

she was my first friend   I never knew that I wasn't supposed to be her friend because of  my color because the color of my skin was different than hers 

and that's it really  that's the way to see things in a different light   to begin by seeing that the color of my skin is the problem 

my skin is not allowed in certain doors 

my skin couldn't spend the night at her house

my skin is not nice 

it's the mountain upside down 

it's Jane Fonda standing beside me saying that's my girl 

maybe when you see that your skin is the problem maybe you will decide that the problem is that there is a problem at all and you can dump that shit right where it belongs 

love you, 

mean it 

Ring of Fire

Good Morning Relatives

What do you think it means if you die and come back but you don't really notice 

 it's kind of like those word puzzles that we had to do in tests at school trying to recognize the key word in the scenario that unlocks the answer to the question that we cannot see but is not the obvious one

what is the question exactly  which attention paid to death gives it that magical power when overcome of elevating a previously disregarded or minimally valued life to the state of precious one?

is the value of surviving death the preciousness of an almost lost life that is suddenly recognized, or is it the need to be valued that makes the death worthwhile in the first place or, is it the opportunity to go beyond the emotions and the eventful and see into ourselves where it is exactly that we get hung up on being alive or not? it really does depend on what you notice 

what am I really after what really holds me back and brings the boogie man to my door at night? what's worth dying for and is life precious or is it something else something we get distracted by because it takes a really long time to understand that all that glitters is not gold but the thing is not to figure out what is gold but to give up being distracted by the glitter

what glitters can I see it inside of me the desire that creates glitter can I kill that can I free myself to live my life is not that kind of like dying and coming back to life all in the same moment

wouldn't having that idea or enlightenment give us the chance to really be free live to really actually exist at all or is it et al?

I wonder how many times the Dali Lama will have to die and come back before those of us who are around him will figure out the key in the scenario is not that he came back but that he never died in the first place can we use that understanding to move on to a different life so that he can as well do you think that what makes him precious is that he doesn't mind that we don't get it and that he does not allow immortality to rob him of the delight that comes when on occasion someone does not just understand like John Donne did that death isn't real and has no power over our lives but actually uses that understanding to develop and to grow beyond the limited beingness that we surround ourselves with 

ti's a tricky thing walking around in a world where war is meaningless but horrible all the same, where money and power are irrelevant yet so painfully present and absent at the same time where choice and action matter but not in the way of abandonment as those who are inattentive would have us believe

its's a thought 

Life is full of delicate thoughts  thoughts that can change m/y/our life in an instant if I have the courage to actually step into a different life than the one I was comfortably cradled in five minuets ago 

remember it's not the not doing that matters 

when I wake up in the middle of the night realizing that sometime in the Dreamtime I visited my past and watched myself die and come back as a very small child yet the remarkable thing to me was not that death was not real but that when the doctors told my parents they all of the sudden perceived that I had value, more or different value than before that information that idea that thought washed through them what's interesting to me was that for me in that time and space what was valuable was not the ability to come and go but my inner response to them suddenly recognizing that I was precious it presented me with the urge the need the opportunity to link my own inner self my own value to their belief and expression that I was valuable that I was precious to them 
the attachment took hold in me the need to feel to maintain that perception of preciousness was the most powerful moment of creation in the room, in my room  looking back as the person I am now I was detached enough prepared enough that I could feel its grasping desire wanting to live inside of me, wanting to trap me in the ring of fire known as love, holding onto the idea that being the valuable object of preciousness wanted to eat me alive

I feel like Sam/Frodo/Gollum on the edge of the river of fire in the heart of Mount Doom each one an example of who we become when we reach either for pure love with no attachment or, that attachment to the precious ring of power where our lives become centered around the value of maintaining our connection to our own preciousness even if it means death as the distractions in our scenario try to subdue us try to eat us alive by creating a great illusion about love and life and loss 

Johnny Cash knew exactly what I am talking about  
love is a burning thing 
and it makes a fiery ring
bound by wild desire

so desire burning desire and it burns continuously 
so why not let it burn up desire, burn up attachment to the persistent need for preciousness
trust me relatives the Lama knows that we are already precious and when we let ideas like death, or desire to be the focus of another's idea of what is valuable we have fallen into the river of fire in the heart of mount doom 
so if you're going to burn down the house relatives make sure the right ideas are inside

can you keep the love and kill the attachment 

it's a thought relatives 

you see what happens when you venture out in the morning at 3:56am to let your puppy out to pee and sit on a frosty cedar bench and drink in the air and look up at the stars while you wait for that small ball of fur to let loose 

kind of makes you think outside your box 

the world is so much bigger than our little brain can imagine thank Life for the laughing Lama and his willingness to die over and over and over again

 I have a new puppy and its a really big thing trying to guide a small unfolding mind and wriggly body that is so full of can do and want to through the ins and outs of yes and no and NEVER THAT
you know delicate things like not peeing in the house but its ok to pee outside of no you can't pull on my pants but you can pull on your toys yes you are safe and I will comfort you but I will also tell you no and mean it puppies we don't want them to grow up but we want them to have grown up thoughts 

delicate thoughts timings that lead but do not crush keeping the wonder while winnowing the mischief its a really big choice to decide to small a puppies potential down into a well trained good companion for a disabled sixty year old who's world is not as adventurous as it once was and whose landscape is regarded as an obstacle course as well as a remarkable expression of the day

it's a big thing to be a puppies person 

I imagine its a big thing for the Dali Lama to be our person too 

take care
remember to say please and thank you 
love ya
mean it 

Caught in a Storm

Good Morning relatives 

Have you seen the movie "The Martian"?  yeah I thought it would be boring too  the cover is not that remarkable  but I finally watched it and guess what it was great! 

so if you hate spoilers  stop reading and go watch the film you can probably rent it from your local library   I did  then come back  because just like the cover that kind of kept me from seeing the possibilities underneath there are some hidden things that matter things that may save your life some day  things that may save my life today if we just stop telling ourselves that what we can see is all that there is  that what we are faced with is the only possibility that can be real and that what we have done somehow determines what we do next

life is what you make it  well death can be also and while I have found that being on your path is unique and one of a kind for each of us and it can be the loneliest journey that we take  that small step that brings whats next after what was and becomes what is  it is ours to choose and belongs to no-one else   ever

don't forget it's our life yours mine to choose 
so choose as if your life depends on it
every moment it is your life, my life and that moment slips away as the next one is born  so how do I encourage you to see that idea  to incorporate it so that the joy the chi that each never before existed moment that comes into your mind, your heart, your brain, your eyes, your nose and your life is brand new  its right there in your hand  will you will I choose to live it or let it slip away unnoticed or destroy it with what was or what I wish was or had or didn't have? its my choice you know  each moment  I used to wonder what happened to my chi and I think this is it  I just stopped accepting what was offered to me freely every moment every breath

unfortunately for me it took a board to the head to bring me back to the moment   well that and my core orientation towards seeking the light   fortunately life cared enough about me to hit me in the head  and now if I can share with you if I can open up about what I see maybe you can get back to your chi too  maybe there won't be any boards to your head as you head out on your own voyage seeking where no human has gone before

well that sounds super heavy and sort of a little frightening to carry around that thought like a lens always trying to remember to see through the correct glass

good thing there is a difference in understanding something that changes your core perspective then letting it go trusting that you and it will merge and be guided rather than plodding on and on trying to juggle to be's and not to be's have and have nots should and shouldn't's  in keeping your core separate from life because you don't trust yourself as if that will save it    then yes every thing becomes a burden everything becomes a chore and life becomes heavy and seems un-winable and there you are standing on the shore realizing that what you have actually chosen to create is death rather than life and you are not sure or maybe not even aware that even in that moment when the predator that lives inside of us wants to take us from ourselves even in that moment we can slay that predator, we can take up our sword of choice throw away our shield and choose life choose each now in its individual preciousness and drink it in so that we are restored maybe for just one moment but what a full draft it is 
and look 
there again another has come into your hands 

choose from your core
choose not from your past or the idea of a future that will never exist 
choose from all the beauty that life recognized when you when I was created and is standing here right now receiving what is given

we get to choose never forget that as the martian reminds us its what we choose that determines the possibilities

libraries are great by the way   they save lives 

so back to spoiling the film 

I realized that the guy in the story Mark Whatney is pretty much just like me fucked from an accident that almost but didn't take his life  

he's stranded on an uninhabited planet 249,000,000 miles from home unable to communicate with the folks who the day before were his crew, his team, his family, his tribe, his country, his world.  he has lost all communication and the gulf between himself and anyone else is vast, unthinkably vast.  it's a bit overwhelming and I understand what that feels like 

isolation surrounded by immersed in perpetually in every way imaginable in every sense surface and option confronted with a hostile foreign environment that is not going any where that is until he figures out the next right step 

until he figures it out   

he is a lot like me abruptly isolated unable to communicate effectively his aliveness his willingness to come home to live to be restored he is surrounded by silence and nothingness and 249 million miles of impenetrable uncrossable space

I on the other hand found myself abruptly stranded on a planet of 7.8 billion people all of whom are creating sound that traumatizes me (remember that 20 decibel sound trauma threshold that got smacked into my head last summer?) every moment of my life   surrounded by an unavoidable hostile environment that is going nowhere and in fact follows me every where I go every minute of every day and into the night

I can't avoid sound altogether (although I try) and the people whom I share my malady with really do forget how to have a conversation with me about a half a nano second after I ask, then tell, then demand that they PLEASE SPEAK SOFTER

they forget that for me the noise coming out of their mouth or off of their corduroy trousers or from the papers they are flicking, the gum they are chewing, or the whatever they are doing is killing me loudly, very very persistently sound is hitting me just like the debris that is flying around the astronauts in the movie when they get caught outside in a storm  it's loud it's unrelenting and it's life threatening at least my brain believes it is which as it turns out my brain is kind of in charge of me 

crazy huh very loud very very never ending

it's really unexpected to be stranded on an uninhabitable planet surrounded by so many people 

 I can drink the water I can breath the air so unlike the guy stuck on Mars I have an advantage but his biggest advantage over me is that his trauma/trial/ life destroying threatening moment/time of isolation has an end date  whereas mine does not

oh and the other thing that Mars guy and I have in common, we don't want our travail to be over by death that sort of seems like cheating doesn't it?

while the astronauts ability to communicate with the outside/home world improves over the course of the movie mine is deteriorating with every passing day 

depressing huh?  maybe probably perhaps but maybe not

that guy on Mars  he has something that I also have something that makes all the difference in the end he has humor, he has a positivity that is endlessly renewable, he has imagination, he has willingness, he has a giant brain, he has what we Texans call True Grit  

and so do I  all of the above and more, and I have you relatives 
I have you

when we are stripped down to our core  when we have to begin again at the beginning and take the next step solve the next problem even when it was the same problem we solved yesterday we have to stop being attached to what was
we have to let go of anxiety, of anger, of fear, of the thought that we have the right (somehow the progression of school, of success, of learning to walk teaches us this false premise that we will have ever advancing changing new challenges new problems to solve) to advance that life is climbing a mountain, crossing a bridge, fording a stream, graduating; when in reality all life is    is 

being all I am 

in each moment

every moment 

as we come together 

in the moment 

without trying to make myself or the moment or anyone else who happens to be in my moment or me in theirs someone or something that is convenient for me or my imagination or my capabilities or my comfort or what ever 

success isn't being challenged by difference even if it is difference that shows up to be the challenge 

success isn't lack of redundancy even if redundancy is all there is (if living meant every moment was the same like a time loop of solving the same problem over and over) could you can I get rid of the concept of over and over so that it whatever it is simply becomes what is   what is for me to do right now as if it not only has never existed before but that I have never before considered the next step and how to take it as if my life depends on it using all I have been or tried before without being bound by the before as if after or next is and isn't itself and neither am I 

you see that is what he had even when he lost it and got scared or angry or frustrated or simply exhausted and overwhelmed by the moment that arrived on a song that destroyed all his work, all his hope, all his past thought of possibility or a wind that culminated his efforts into a magical never before imagined or accomplished achievement he 
that guy on Mars had inside of him had as his fallback had as his Beingness joy, kindness, imagination, willingness, and a letting go that enabled him to find his way back to the company of those who had been left behind 

but at the end 
at the end when he is safe on the bench with his coffee and his feet on a planet where he can drink the water and breathe the air  

he knows  deep inside  that he is and always will be alone 

the only one who ever will know what he knows be who he has been he is and always will be a world apart from those 7.9 billion people just outside his door 

and it seems he is ok with it  he still sees the magic in the seed sprouting in the leaf reaching 

the magic of life   of a life lived   of a life not yet lived 
of life right now 

so he doesn't quit  he doesn't become something he is not a living growing thing that pushes its way through the dirt that surrounds it so foreign so isolated 

can he teach what he knows   who can say  can a student listen   time will tell 

because the storm doesn't change how we perceive it does and all of that perception depends on who we are in our hearts  who we are when we reach out to the next moment that is our life 

love ya 
mean it 

Minding the Mandala

Good Morning Relatives

how is your dreamtime?  when I got hit in the head last summer it seemed that my molecules got disarranged kind of like if a sand mandala gets shaken the molecules are still perfectly individual colors but they are no longer arranged in the pattern they were prior to being struck

for someone like me this can be a problem when I first got hit it was like the world around me became permeable like everything was visible through scattered light prisms   in the Dreamtime I had/have really bad nightmares which I never have before  sometimes it was like different realities were all mixed up together     slowly they are finding their way back into patterns that are not threatening or horribly destructive but that path includes terrifying flashbacks, confusing messages from Those Lightening Strike Beings, warnings that I can't understand, maps to my way back to me that I can't remember when I wake up, and a few other things that made me very aware that the shock to my brain and body when i got hit scattered my psychical transportation system my mandala but not to the wind thank Life  not to the wind   all the little colored sand molecules are still in their container its just going to take some time to put them back in order.

I imagine a great pipe organ with all the pipes out of order and the vibrations that pass through create a dysphonia wind rather than a song of solomon I don't think I've ever considered that the sound that is created by the wind in trees that are in a peaceful forest or grove is radically different than that of trees that have been traumatized by a tornado or even the sound of the trees that are left scorched and bleeding in Australia after the bush fires

my brain got whacked and it scrambled my molecules  Do you remember the movie "What The Bleep Do We Know" that came out in 2004?  see if you can find it and watch it one of the things that physics has illuminated (I don't think science discovers things because just like columbus discovering america and The Human Beings that lived here they existed as does all things before some banana head was made aware or illuminated to their presence that does not make them a discovery rather an awakening don't you think?) is the understanding that we consist of a collection of matter in which our consciousness resides believed to be our identity in the present idea of reality   we exist in cohesive units of molecules shaped by a ? soul? character? mandala?

and each of those cohesive units each mandala which have a unique configuration (like snow flakes or chemical structures) which exists as three sets of these individually uniquely configured molecules that are in constant motion  because each set rotates in and out of what we perceive as the visible manifestation of zillions of other mandalas who are "rotated in and embodied" all around is as this time and space reality as we know it or as we think we know it since its alway moving changing and each and every nano second is unique unto itself we can be attached to it we can exist consciously with in it and participate in the constant forming and reforming of It's mandala which is what I have an idea the miracle of life really is but we can never "know" it because it is unknowable.

So, attached to each of our particular unique mandala of molecules is our awareness our "Nowness" sometimes I think that the citta (consciousness) vritti (whirlpool or waves) of our each own particular mandala which in the yoga sutras are alluded to as having five different types of motion is like a complex living system which most of us are stuck in very beginning illusion and we don't really even look for the instructions let alone begin to explore our own individual mandala universe but, that's a different blog altogether sort of. anyway what I was trying to get to was that the consciousness our individual consciousness actually doesn't move about our universe it only hops from one set to the next that appears in this time and space so that we can maintain our story, our illusion of what where when and how and who we are. when we can be so much more if like Patanjali alludes to in the yoga sutras we can learn to be still and use motion rather than letting motion run through our static illusion of who and what we are.

I copied something from a yogpedia website (I tend to glean grains from different fields like a knowledge thief but that does not translate into supporting or condoning their premise or runaway thoughts and ideas just so you know but it makes really interesting bread/food for thought) :

In "The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali," yoga citta vritti nirodhah is the second sutra. It roughly translates to “yoga stops, or stills, the mind's fluctuations.”{(For example here I disagree with the above conclusion about what yogapedia says that particular sutra means and just like aiming a pistol the shorter the barrel the more drastic the aim can be off if you point it in the wrong direction i.e... you will completely miss your target or your path or your destination  words like commas matter and save lives) it's off topic but what I believe that sutra (Now Consciousness Waves Inhibited)  is, Yoga which teaches Now can be used to inhibit our consciousness's attachment to movement which in turn frees us from the illusion that we are stuck in our own perception of reality.  Those fluctuations, or citta vritti, are limiting, habituated thought patterns – misconceptions that prevent one from seeing the truth about the world and the Self.

According to Patanjali, there are five types of vritti:

• Pramana (correct knowledge right knowledge) (FYI Krishnamurti teaches that the word or idea Know is a static word that is immediately an indication of false thought or understanding when applied to any living thing because there is very little in our "world" that is static and thus we cannot "know" anything)
• Viparyaya (misconception false knowledge)
• Vikalpa (conceptualization Imagination)
• Nidra (sleep)
• Smriti (memory)

The vritti can be painful (klishta) or non-painful (aklishta), but they always affect one's ability to find truth. Joyful thoughts can prevent the individual from reaching a true sense of self just as much as fearful thoughts can.

In the above sort of commentated on excerpt from the yogapedia website the only type of vritti that is not of this place and time what we think of as reality is Nidra or sleep this is the place I think of as Dreamtime when I visit it by simultaneously holding on to the Now of a particular set of molecules as they travel and my citta my consciousness my self awareness 

my self awareness does not have to be attached to this place I believe that is one of the things that Patanjali was trying to communicate with the sutras our citta if our consciousness is not attached to the whirlpool that is moving around us then we are able to not only be still but we are able to move when our molecules blink in and out of time and space 

if we (whoever we are) inhabit embody a mandala that has three exact sets of molecules who as a body travel in and out of this recognized or aware time and spaceness and due to our attachment to the illusion we "live " in our citta jumps in and out of each mandala set as it changes places with its cohort     ....    where do the other two sets of molecules go? 

and if we (whoever we are) travelled with that set as it went wherever it was going would not we "wake up" in whatever time and place our molecules travelled to? until that set came back to now where our embodied set of molecules was sleeping Nidra. 

well thats my experience anyway 

so back to the island  I did tell you I was thinking about islands in the middle of the night didn't I? well I was and in that Harrison Ford movie about the girl who goes to the island to get engaged to someone she doesn't love I remember Harrison Ford tells her "Lady, It's an island. If you didn't bring it with you you're not going to find it here." I always thought of that as one of the great truths, movies are full of them by the way. 

so if you go to an island in the Dreamtime whatever you bring with you or not is what you have so why do we care if our mandalas are beautiful, complex, flexible, strong, aware, centered, grounded in integrity and exposure to ideas, concepts, principles, colors and their shades, different skills and the list goes on and on and on  (didn't you ever really look at what those monks were trying to communicate?) imagine having all that all that is available incorporated indoor mandala and whoosh! when you were transported to another time and space situation all that library of ability (physical, mental, conceptual, spiritual, linguistic, etc...)  was at your fingertips, why because A. you might need it. B. your life or someone else's might depend on it. C. it might be central to your mission  i.e... your on an island and if you didn't bring it with you whoops you don't have it at your disposal 

which kind of creates the inkling of an idea that what This Time and Space is for is for us to add to our library within our mandalas i.e... to activate what we already have and thus sort of like a super power we can carry with us when we travel with our molecules to somewhere/when else and carry out our missions  cool huh?

I've been avoiding working out  lots of noise in a gym, lots of noise when I use the water rower, lots of snow and ice outside so the bike is a bit precarious etc... the excuses go on and on while I accumulate a subconscious fear of blobness and my physical strength goes down the winter tube like a bobsled it accumulates speed exponentially as is drops 

so in the Dreamtime Those Old Spirits who are always trying to communicate with me in their language (they never can seem to remember that I am really bad at languages definitely not my super power) put me in a place where I was / became the target of a serial rapist killer person /guy  AND guess what I didn't take with me ?..... speed physical strength and my old apparently slipped away like a banana on ice tai chi abilities so THAT was a wake up call 

so mind your mandalas relatives  it matters when you figure out (ps don't try this unsupervised or at home) how to travel with your molecules 

I'm off to go for a walk with my dogs and then come back in and do fifteen minutes on the water rower followed by level one tai chi qigong

love ya 

mean it 

mbdvm

Am I who I Am or Am I who was whammed

Good Morning Relatives

Wow, I was looking back at some of my old posts, actually I was so far only able to look through one, Walking on Water, and while it was really great to be able to see all that stuff that happened and read through the never ending story that life really is, what my brain my mind was really looking at while I was reviewing the past was not the story, it was the writing. Examining old blogs made me acutely aware not only of what kind of mind my brain used to be but also what kind of story I used to be able to tell more importantly, what I am not able to tell now/yet.

Wow so different today it's a small peek into the effect that the brain injury had/has had on me so far I say so far because like the word yet so far doesn't fence me in, so far allows me to recreate me it is the path forward far has a nice intonation doesn't it so that some day I can meet myself again coming down the road.

Yesterday I was visiting with my good friend and sometimes therapist Dr Judy C after she had visited with Dr Rachel the audiologist who recently diagnosed me with three separate "injuries?", conditions? that are a result of the brain injury I had this summer they are Hyperacusis, Misophonia, and Tinnitus and my friend who has and is and will be a great support for me was pretty taken aback about how horrific my life/sound world became and remained so every minute every second of every day since 6-6-2019  she understood how horrific my mental life has become and she was pretty amazed that I was handling it all as well as I am/was.

I'm not so sure I am handling it that well. I seem to have put so much focus into trying to ignore/manage/shut out the ever-present sound pathology that clings to my head like an invisible sound amplification film that was sprayed inside my brain and is completely totally impervious to any attempt at volume adjustment that modern medicine or even medical imagination has come up with that I have been unable to have any except the smallest most fleeting relief from these three brain invaders let alone enjoy or easily participate in the common shared experience that we live in or even begin to be understood or supported by the rigid unyielding parameters of the workers comp insurance that is supposed to insure that I am able to return to a non affected state that I have disconnected with the consciousness stream that was/is my wonder woman blogging self. yeah I had trouble finding my way through and out of that labyrinthian thought also but, I think it is accurate.

so why am I disconnected from me? why does it appear to be so? Am I disconnected? or am I so completely focused on managing the three space invaders inside of my brain that are trying to consume me and my life that I am barely able to function let alone let flow onto the page the integrative imaginative and deeply clear rich mental complexity that was my bloggness self before I got hit in the head last summer.

Misophonia: she is like the Gorgon of the brain stalking about like a fire spewing dragon headed Being that never sleeps.  She hates and I mean HATES particular sounds and when they occur she raises the fear level inside of me way beyond red alert more like a blazing cosmic exploding purply orange lightening strike white consuming tidal wave of anxiety and nightmare.....
why is that so? because its not just that I pick these sounds up, thanx to having concurrent Hyperacusis (the brain damage from the work injury this summer changed something in my central cochlear and brain auditory complex so that it amplifies sound reception in my head way WAY, WAAAAY LOUDER than it really is. Technically any sound above 20 decibels that's essentially a very soft whisper to me sounds like I'm sitting with my head inside a rock concert speaker)
so misophonic sounds channeled through the hyperacusis amplifier turn into something other than what you hear for example; try escaping the sound of rain on the roof that sounds like millions of ball bearings falling right over your head while trying to sleep or trying to focus on washing and rinsing when the water in the shower  hitting/hating your skin sounds like its going to take your head off, or the sound of people including yourself talking or eating in a restaurant making your head hurt so bad that you have to excuse yourself to go vomit in the bathroom every five to ten minutes, or the sound of this blasted keyboard  a zipper or velcro on a winter jacket the cars on the highway a quarter mile away the dinging of the car when started random conversation screaming kids the list goes on and on. I wonder if Apple makes a hyperacusis sensitive keyboard or if there are any doctors at all left whose hands are not attacking a keyboard the entire time they are "examining" me in a medical or therapeutic visit? when was the last time your doctor actually touched you or looked at you with your clothes off? Misophonia has a very long list of unacceptable phonic intruders and thanx to the hyperacusis she has every right to believe that those sounds are a major threat.

Misophonia HATES a multitude of sounds that I am totally unable to prevent from reaching her inside my brain and that is where she lives this sound hating gorgon headed amazonian woman that is trying to protect my brain from re-injury. I am quite sure that that is what she is up to. The reaction that courses through me when misophonic sounds strike the wings of her helmet and reverberate off of her shield is wearing thin my ability to prevent her from laying waste to the land and my life. I recognize that any inappropriate negative response directed outside of me would not be good but I have to say if I want to be completely honest that my patience is wearing thin my constant vigilance is tired of being constant and while Misophonia appears to be a super hero with an honest mission, I am not sure my counteractive wonder woman skills are as developed as hers are. although, in my gut when reviewing that previous statement I can tell that I am more endless than she is. hmm maybe a little more compassion for her rather than each of us trying to hack each others head off.

Misophonia is a hatred and I mean HATRED IN THE EXTREME of certain sounds which means that I have an intense negative emotional response to particular random sounds which results in my brain releasing the limbic kraken who in turn pours fear into my central nervous system via my limbic system (feel free relatives to look up any of these medical terms) resulting in extreme physioemotional reactions like anger, fear lots of fear, confusion, vomiting, severe fight or flight which rapidly turns into "Attack ATTack ATTACK!!!" and I have to stop all of this every time it happens before I set my own house on fire.

all of which is going on inside of me while everyone else around me is pretending that nothing is wrong yep that's what I just said everyone else is pretending nothing is wrong because I no less than a half a nano-second earlier just explained to them how I perceive the world around me and already they have moved on to what ever screensaver their attention span is focused on now. do you think that peoples addiction to transportable technology has stopped their ability to brain dive?

I understand that Misophonia operates with the soul/sole intent of saving me from further trauma to the head, but until I can convince her that I am no longer working at the sawmill, that all the random sounds I encounter are not indicative of eminent danger; I have to grab ahold of me and Her inside of me and keep me in a neutral place and position so that I don't end up annihilating my remaining chance of being an acceptable and well adjusted common person among the masses so much so and so constantly that I end up with e x t r e m e l y s l o o o o w s p e e c h pa t terns and so rt o f a f r e e z e frame body and mind that makes me appear to be .... Brain damaged? well I am brain damaged but not in the way science has imagined.

My damaged brain has become my own personal dysfunctional super hero and my outward appearance of being damaged is more to do a loss of my multitasking ability combined with having to be otherwise engaged inside my own head and body while everyone around me pushes me to be better, to get well, to be normal.

when Relatives was I ever normal? I'm not sure how it's going to work out in the long run I think taking the time to outline what is going on inside of me will give me a clue.

Actually given the circumstances thank life that I am functioning so well as I appear to be

something is niggling at the edge of my consciousness there is something here among the active rubble that is trying to fall into place and help me see in my own particular way how to work with Misophonia how to communicate with the outside world and make my own decisions as to how I can get well and how I can find my way. maybe if I can find a quiet place I can think about it.

thanx for listening I think this is enough for today  I'll look at hyperacusis next time.

take care relatives sometimes it takes time to realize that if all I am doing is reacting to my environment (while I can be glad for who my baseline is) I am determined to work my way back to sitting back and seeing, hearing, understanding, observing and choosing who and how I want to be in the world around me isn't that what life is? really

Later tater
love ya
mean it

Dude Where's My Brain?

Good Morning Relatives

It's been a while.  

Monday I got reconnected to the internet here at home. It's a little scary. Anxiety about change maybe? Anxiety about being public, I'm not sure but it has taken me till Wednesday to sit down and refigure out how to log in and write a new blog post and I am here, HERE, heRe.  LOL heRe I like that 

It reminds me of a T-shirt a friend of mine (Deb) has it says: 

Let's Eat Grandma
Let's Eat, Grandma

Commas save lives

LOL isn't  that funny!  Deb is funny I miss her face and all the individuality that runs across it, her kindness, her intensity, her integrity, her humor and her steadfastness.I miss her sharing with me/others how she sees the world.  I miss Karleena also she has gone on to the Spirit world leaving behind a gap where her passion and majestic humor used to be. Karleena we enjoyed your beingness 

it might take me a few tries to get my brain up and running again in MLB blogstyle
I got hit in the head last summer and it caused a TBI with multiple changes in how my brain perceives and interacts with the world around me and the within me world as well  so heRe we are I are I am working my way back to IAM

I think it's a good idea 

All in good time

Greetings Relatives

its fall here in Wisconsin   the leaves are changing  the nights cooling down

there is much going on  much transition and learning   hope you all are well

love love love mb